Return of Steve Roggenbuck's Chap Book

Hey ya'll remember when I decided to help Steve Roggenbuck distribute his poetry? Well, as thanks he decided to send me a few print copies of his chapbook all the way from Chicago and I was quite excited. Now I could distribute all the poems quite conveniently for him! And of course, I had an idea before the letter had even arrived in the mail. Here it is:

Here it is, the chapbook looking snazzy in it's simple  square format.

Here I am wrapping it up in Christmas wrapping.

Here is a letter addressed to a cleaner, any cleaner really...

Here is the inside of the card. 

And here is it, being left on a table at the food court in Whitfords City, just next to the escalator up to the cinemas. You see when you stop eating a cleaner will wipe your table and remove whatever junk you forgot about/were too lazy to remove and I decided that, hey... they're cleaners. It's important but they work when you've left so they hardly get any thanks right? So... what better gift than a vegan poet they've never heard of from the internet?

I have four other chapbooks in my possession. I'm sure to think of other interesting ways to give them to people/strangers.

For those who want to know what lies within the pages of said chapbook, here it is in full.

Fun Night of First Times

Ever had one of those nights where like "well this is the first time I've done that..."

I had one of those on Tuesday. You ready for it? You sitting down? Good. It went a little something like this...

Lorna decided to throw a fund raising event at a pub in the city for her final year screening (for those films that her fellow film students made) so for the first time I went out to the city to a pub (I don't go out much ok?) The fund raiser was somewhat disappointing as not many people showed up... and I knew that would happen. That's OK, I found 3 people to come with me. The first one I ran into when he just managed to get into the train door just as it was closing on him. Surprise surprise it's my friend from high school, Matt, who has come back to Perth for a little while to drink with his friends who I also knew from high school. I convinced them that if they wanted to drink they should come to where I was going as otherwise we're really going to fail at this fund raising idea...

So we're at the pub and there's a local musician playing. There's people I haven't seen in ages and those I haven't seen... ever... but only one of them really matters to the story. Any way, one of the musicians was a girl with an acoustic guitar just on stage singing by herself to a crowd of 4 people (I know. Attendance was quite poor. There were more, but not all were watching) and and some point the girl next to me says something when a song finishes that the musicians responds to. Can't remember how it went or why it somehow then involved the musician inviting me on stage to play her instrument (I mentioned I played guitar).

First time I've "gate crashed" someone's live performance, taken their instrument and started playing random chords. Now I should point out that the three friends I had convinced to come along were called Matt, Lewis and Kennard. Lewis was blonde, Kennard isn't.

Well, I'm on stage with a guitar and a microphone. I start off with something nice and mellow, a little arpeggiated Am chord with a little hammer off bit on the e string (e-g) added in. (Sounds cool, do it now guitar peeps) I lean closer to the mike and go "This one goes out to Lewis.... you're so much prettier than Kennard." Then I started improvising, tried to get the musician to improvise some lyrics as Lewis and Kennard watched with unimpressed looks on their faces.

So that was the first time I then started serenading a guy on stage with a guitar.

When I got off stage to let the musician continue her set Lewis came up to me and was like "I am not wooed."

Awww...

Well the night continued, and as a joke to do with the empty stage I mentioned poetry readings and stand up. I was encouraged to do that, but didn't. Some middle aged guy from Manchestor who I thought was joking about it too decided that yeah, it's a great idea!

He took the mike and started reciting poems. Poems that he had written. Because he is a poet. At that point in time I turned to the film students and went "....who is this guy again?" and received a few shrugs. OK, random poet just... very enthusiastically and loudly reciting poems about who knows what. I couldn't really follow. I stood there occasionally commenting on it to the guy next to me. "It doesn't rhyme..." "He's using repetition... which is a convention of some poetry for emphasis." You know, the kind of remarks you make during an unexpected poetry reading a pub and you want to make it obvious that you're not really a literary analyst.

Then, mid-sentence, the poet starts yelling at me. "WILL YOU SHUT THE F*** UP!? I'M TRYING TO READ A POEM HERE AND THERE YOU ARE IN YOUR SHORTS AND YOUR CONVERSE ALL TALKING AWAY! THAT'S RUDE, I MEAN I'M FROM MANCHESTER BUT SERIOUSLY!" And then he continued talking.

So that was the first time that a poet had decided to yell at me during a poem. Afterwards he apologised and said it was all in good fun, he hugged me instead of hitting me. I pointed out that my shoes weren't actually converse...

But his poetry did actually keep going on and on... at one point he was talking about oil, slicking back your greasy hair, yeah you something something... and waving his arm in my direction and I was like "...is this poem about me? My hair is actually quite clean...."

The next one was dedicated to the sound guy, who probably hadn't had a night like this... ever...

The poet said he'd introduce me and get me on stage to do some poems/stand up (remember earlier when I was joking about all that?) and I was thinking to myself "I can't follow this... he's just so enthusiastic." The guy next to me goes "Yes, but anything you say would be better" (oh burn) But he decided "Nah, I like talking too much" and so decided not to give me any more stage time, just keep pacing back and forth saying poems. Oh well. I'd been on stage once that night.

There was a raffle at the end. There were about 6 or so prizes and quite a few people had left (including the people I had came with) so it was like "Nah, can't be bothered giving it to people who aren't here..." So they'd draw a ticket, no one had it... they'd draw another... same thing... draw another, someone would win. It was kinda bad for the people who didn't win anything seeing as their odds were really good considering the small amount of competition and the amount of redraws... but nope. I won some wine and someone else won a pizza voucher so we swapped.

I really wasn't ready for walking through Northbridge with a 1.5L bottle of wine in my hand, waiting at a train station for half an hour and then coming home on the train at nearly midnight. You just don't do that. So that wasn't a first time for me thank fully... I don't want to get arrested/beaten up/forced to drink socially with people I've never met who just so happened to have cups on their person and went "WAHEY! GUY WITH BOOZE LET'S GET HIM TO GIVE A ROUND AND TOAST TO SOMETHING YEAAAHHH!!" (It could happen, don't tell me it can't!)

And then that was also the first night I had gone out late, had a drink, yelled over the loud music until my throat was a bit sore, then come home and had less than 5 hours of sleep before my first day at a job where my job description was to talk to strangers on phones. More on that later.

TSA Stupidity/A little bit of irony

Hey kids! Ever been molested while boarding a plane? I thankfully haven't. But then again I don't a) live in America b) fly in planes (I fly through super powers...) Well that's not actually what I wanted to talk to you about (though is it quite disgraceful to treat a three year old like a terrorist) as awful as that is.

Let's talk about somebody else who ran into trouble with the TSA: Soldiers returning from Afghanistan. (Here is a story about it which you must read before reading the rest of this!)

For those too lazy to read that amusing and factual article I will sum it up for you: A bunch of US soldiers returning from war (WHILE HOLDING THEIR WEAPONS) are asked to be screened again after all the trouble of having to get back into the country again and one of them empties their pockets only to reveal that this man, this US Soldier holding an assault rifle and a pistol, is in the possession of a nail clipper. Then he gets it taken off him because "it could be used as a weapon".

Let's just break this down.

These soldiers are returning from war, they're the kind of guys who fight against the nasty people who take over planes (and the very reason why TSA is now so strict you can't have a nail clippers hence the irony of the situation) and do bad things. They've just risked their lives for their country... and they're worried that (while holding a gun - even though it has no bullets in it it is still somewhat heavy/intimidating/capable of being used as a blunt weapon to beat people up) this US Soldier is going to try and take over a plane taking them home while over 200 other US Soldiers are on board... with a pair of nail clippers...

OK. Now ignoring the fact that there are plenty of other soldiers capable of defusing the situation and saving the day, let's say there is one bad guy who decides "Yeah! I'M GOING TO CLIP SOME S*** YEAH! PILOT GIVE ME THE PLANE OR I CLIP YOU! I CLIP YOU GOOD!"

But then! THEN! The pilot gets an adrenaline rush, he envisions his wife and kids (I'm not sexist, it's just that in this story the pilot just so happens to be a man.) back home and that gives him the courage to stand up against this evil nail clipper wielding maniac of doom and prevent the next 9/11 from ever happening! The pilot with almost superhuman reflexes slaps the soldiers hands, knocking the nail clippers to the floor. With rapier wit and a proud smugness to this brave pilot's face, he says "No. Bad soldier. No."

...Then get's pummelled repeatedly by the soldier who has biceps the size of his head because quite frankly...

...HE'S. A. US SOLDIER.

Surely part of his training involves hand to hand combat. Even if the pilot had a gun I don't think that it would really stop the soldier with or without a pair of nail clippers. It's not like he'd announce it "Hey Pilot, I'm about to sneak up behind you and break your neck. Please don't shoot me?"

So remember people, next time you're returning from war after bravely risking your life... don't let them take away your nail clippers. They are yours. They are yours and screw TSA if they want to take them away from you!

(Though it's best not to mention to them that you could kill the pilot with your bare hands if you wanted to because the scared TSA guy will call security on you)

This just in! (I'm not making a whole new post) Someone was forced to stand soaked in their own urine without an apology because of TSA completely ignoring them tell them about their medical condition. Link. It's just ridiculous. Don't they get told to like... use ears? Or even eyes? ARE TSA HEARTLESS ROBOTS!? The answer: probably. The robot uprising starts with TSA.

Steve Roggenbuck's Chap Book

Have you heard of I am like October when I am dead? Well if you haven't, kindly click on the link provided so you may read the cool works of one Steve Roggenbuck.

He writes short poems (well most of them are quite short) that aren't incredibly verbose in conceits and elaborate metaphors and images but instead are simple and very fun to read. I love them. They are shiny.

What's that? You don't like poems? Well I have one thing to say to you!

i dont care about reading a poem

who do you think i am, robert frost?

i have never been in the woods and i hate walking

- Steve Roggenbuck

Here is another one of his poems:

god help me im throwing my neighbor off a building

That's it. I find them amusing, which is why I'm helping with his distribution! He wants them to be distributed freely wherever, and I decided well I'll help. Now he can say that his poems can be found in physical form on the continent of Australia! As demonstrated by this photographic evidence I took at Murdoch University (where I am a student at):

Yeah, I believe that's near an assignment drop box so all those MCC students (especially Screen Production 1 whose final assignments are yet to be handed in) will be like ".................................what?"

Indeed they do.

Bloody hell my handwriting is messy.

Well, I had two other little cards that I didn't get to hand out as I was afraid that people would see me. The poems I failed to put up were:

i have two sunflowers wilting on my bookshelf

thats it

thats all

the poem is done, get out

and:

i asked my dad if the corn harvest is over

it is way over, my dad said

Perhaps some other time? I also wanted to put up one of my favourites:

to my nephew on his birthday

i will choke your dad

i dont care

im not afraid

But something told me that if I got caught putting up a piece of paper that says "I will choke your dad" I would get in trouble so I didn't.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the mind of Steve Roggenbuck and you can check out his website here: LINK!

Edit: Totally got a thank you email from Steve Roggenbuck himself for my guerilla distribution tactics! He also mentioned me on Twitter and a link to this blog so comment or vote in the poll if he sent you here!

Also, for those who enjoyed his poems: click on this link about distribution on his website!

Afro Samurai Summary

Warning: The following blog post contains things that some people make consider spoilers. That and you'd get it better if you've seen the show Afro Samurai. If you haven't, stop reading, watch all 5 episodes, then come back.

Afro Samurai is a 5-part Anime miniseries about a black guy who kills hundreds of Asians in a constant blood bath so he can kill a three armed cowboy with a headband.

Before he can achieve his goal, his best friend from his past gets turned into Darth Vader by a cross between Man-at-arms/Duncan of He-Man and Dr Eggman of Sonic and then attempts to kill him while wearing a teddy bear head on his face on the top of a snowy mountain.

Samuel L Jackson stars as an imaginary ninja.

Also, there is a robot with an afro in it.*

(look at how awesome he looks. Image source.)

Now, does that not sound like the best thing ever? OK not the best thing ever, but it's actually very very cool and you should definitely watch it if you enjoy copious amounts of violence, blood, and Samuel L Jackson's voice.

The end.

*It took millions of man hours just to make it's head.

Still Unemployed

Time for... A MINI-BLOG!!! (mini blog!)

(Note: mini blog may actually become not so mini and go for more than just a few paragraphs)

Well, quick update. I did NOT get the job at Video Ezy... why? Because there were other applicants. That's in effect of the reason given to me... one job position + multiple (she said "many" which could mean anything) applicants = hahaha like hell we'd pick you.

Which I COULD take it as "Well although you're a friendly film student who it getting a university level education about the only thing we sell and you have absolute availability every hour of every hour we're open thus pretty much perfect* for this job seeing as you can WALK here from your house if you wanted to... we knew from the very beginning that you had no experience so we wasted your time interviewing you because what separates you from any other applicant (besides your film student status, probably the only reason why we even bothered to acknowledge your existence) is the lack of retail experience thus it was predetermined from the beginning that you were really just backup in case everyone else fell through..."

OR...

I could take it as.... wait a moment when I think of a better spin to put on this....

"Your film student status means nothing, you simply lacked the assertiveness to really go outside the set conversational boundaries of the interview thus failed to woo us as an exceptional person who stood out from the rest." (Yes that's positive)

WHICH MEANS.... that to what I need to do to get a job NEXT time I get an interview (which happens on average a year or year and a half right?) is simply just talk more... get to know my interviewer and show them I am more than just the answers to the questions on their sheets. OK that won't guarantee anything, but I have to find some way to stand out and my resume obviously isn't it.

I don't take it personally, that's just silly. Of course it's not personal, there just are people who do better. I am actually quite glad that they took their time to actually acknowledge my existence by phoning me up originally. Very few people do that... in fact... they're actually the only people who have done that. Out of all the job interviews (all 2 and a half in my life) this one was the first one where they actually called me beforehand to arrange it. The last one on the other hand involved them emailing me on the incorrect email address and then me finding out not long beforehand because my brother also got the same interview and they called him instead. Needless to say those people maintained that level of professionalism all the way through my interaction with them.

Each failure is another thing to learn from, every few months I rewrite parts of my resume, improve, learn to shake hands and introduce myself instead of just handing things silently to people, learn how to respond to pointless questions, do lots of volunteer work to make me look like a saint (a saint that gets retail and customer service experience when working the till at St Vinny's), learn sign language so I can handle the deaf.

I just need to improve beyond adequate... I need to be more than sufficient. I shall become superb in my application and interviewing process.

I am awesome. And I will bloody prove this.

Bring it world. BRING IT ON.

...he says for the 300th time...

*(Why is the job I'm most suited for also very highly sought after? Why can't I just get that damn job?)

The Problem with the Music Industry

I'm going to show you two videos and we will see which one involves talent and which one involves something manufactured for the sake of making money. Don't worry, neither will be Bieber (because I am not so evil as to subject you to that horror)

OK here's the first one, it's of Emily Bear:



(If the embed doesn't work or you would like to comment on her sheer awesomeness click on this link)

(Wow, that was made way more impressive by the fact that her hands are freaking TINY! Did you see how frantic her hands were when playing? I doubt she can even reach an octave with one hand she's so small... in fact I'm certain of it! I can only stretch to 9 or 10 tones and I'm an adult.)

OK here's the next one, it's of the daughter of Will Smith, Willow Smith (The official music video had embedding disabled so if you insist on seeing the actually well directed and edited music video click here):



(If the embed doesn't work or you would like to comment... click on this link)

Emily is 6, Willow is 10.

Let's discuss.

Emily is obviously an incredibly brilliant musician and composer who has been composing pieces since she was 3 years old, most of are probably harder than I can play. Willow Smith is a little girl with a song that goes "I whip my hair back and forth" again and again and again.

Now I think Will Smith is a pretty cool guy, and he actually gets his own children to star in his films which is a pretty awesome way to be a father in my opinion. Just think about it, he's a big movie star who is often incredibly busy and is away from home for long periods of time on set of a film he's making... must suck not seeing his family especially his kids... oh wait. He brings them with him! See? BRILLIANT! And they get paid in the process. Best father ever?

But I can't help but feel that his hollywood stature had a role to play in Willow's musical 'career'. She's 10, how else did she really convince a bunch of music producers that "I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth" was a good idea? Perhaps he personally didn't play a part in it any other way than simply being her father. Think about it, Willow doesn't need to get "discovered" like other children, we already know she's there and producers realise that she is connected to one of the most famous and profitable movie stars of the past 20 years, she instantly becomes marketable to a mass audience simply because she has a famous father.

I find this song incredibly (lyrically) simplistic and childishly pretentious which isn't help by it's obviously grandiose music video with a big budget. Sure, it's meant to be about self-love and assurance, to be motivational and uplifting but...

...I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth...

That really doesn't have any really deep sounding meaning to it and it comes off as self centred. It's almost constant repetition detracts from the song, it fails to be an inspiring anthem as it's just quickly spouting a nonsensical phrase. I get that she's a kid and thus can't really write very elegant or deep lyrics but then again... why should I care? (Wait a second... she DIDN'T actually write this song, an adult did. That just makes all my points about her lack of creative ability moot... but makes the person who wrote this really sad as a writer. At least it musically is interesting.)

Gifted children either are prodigies that are unbelievably brilliant or have potential that needs to be nurtured so they can grow into something better and more refined. Emily Brown is a prodigy and I am glad that she has produced 4 albums in 3 years by the age of 8 (and has won huge amounts of awards) but I am not glad that Willow has been put into the musical spotlight.

Let me explain.

Willow is a kid, who is being signed up with these record companies and pushing out some random track to make money. (SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT). I'm sure she enjoys it and that's good, but I fear that she is getting more attention than she deserves because of her relations and that this will lead to her getting screwed over. She's so young she doesn't really get how the industry works (hell, a lot of bands with adults don't get it either and they probably don't know how much THEY get screwed over until they're halfway through their contracts). She is going to become/is already a product like Bieber. A promotional tool, a play thing for producers. She's 10, she should go out and play with her friends... Michael Jackson never got a childhood and look how he ended up.

I just really don't like children in the music industry.

BUT! Oh I don't hate Willow, oh no! Like I said, she should be nurtured into something better and refined and so I hope that if she truly enjoys writing music then when she is a lot older can think of better lyrics with more substance (and actually write them herself) and she's mature enough to make sure she knows what she is doing, then she will start producing whatever hits she likes. I'm sure when she's older her music will have far more depth, be far more interesting, creative, catchy and have more emotion behind it (and perhaps she'll ACTUALLY write it... Instead of Ronald M Jackson).

Emily Bear on the other hand, although incredibly young, does not appear to be signed with a major record label. She seems cute and humble in her TV appearances, and not arrogant like she feels like she can just barge into the music world. If you also look at her appearances for performances you'll see that her schedule does not involve large touring. It's here and there, it's pretty simple. She's not heavily promoted and marketed to a bunch of children. She gets news coverage for her talent, not because she's wearing something silly on the red carpet. She isn't a media sensation with pointless Dolly and MSN articles with speculation about her private life, but still gets recognition for her talent through awards. She just writes her own music and plays it, sometimes recording it to share with people. She has great talent and I hope that when she is older she can choose to show off more and sign a label or just do whatever.

So my point: The music industry today is starting to find children to become products to sell to newer markets... this is wrong. Children should prove their worth, not be advertised as something worthy of idolisation. This blog would've worked better with Bieber as an example but I refuse to listen to his music and I was just momentarily offended by how much I disliked Willow Smith's music.

Edit: I just realised that I tried to rationalise not liking Willow while liking Emily with having to do with record labels when I didn't need to... because I also have a problem with artists not writing their own songs. So even if Emily were to be signed to a record label, she'd still be the talented and creative young miss that she is (thus her career being admirable and worthwhile) and Willow would still be the random daughter of Will Smith who sings a song she didn't write. BAM! I just ignored my own argument to come up with a better one!

/End Scene.

Radio and Sound

University is coming to an end for the year. My goodness, scary is it not? I'm going to have SO MANY MONTHS OFF! Even longer between semesters than mid-semester break! How will I survive unless I find employment? Oh please Video Ezy choose the super-uber-awesome-film student to fill that position of yours, I really have nothing to do between semesters...

Let's not go on about that.

Radio and sound! Nice 1st year unit for those who want to get into radio later in life. Because of it's MCC### unit code that means it does not involve an exam (that's a lie, I have an MCC### unit that HAS AN EXAM! WHAT!? WHAT BETRAYAL IS THIS!?) but instead a test during the final week. Pretty simple, for Journalism it was worth pretty much as much as an exam would be only you didn't get time off to study for it. Also, it was pretty easy.

Speaking of pretty easy, the test for Radio and Sound was INCREDIBLY easy (and actually worth a surprisingly small amount). Yeah, you're probably thinking "Yeah, I get it you read the book once through and then understood it all so it was easy..."

No that's not it at all. Let me tell you how easy this test was... this test was not for University students, it was for highschool students. The comprehension was so simple the questions might as well have been "restate the 2nd paragraph" and "restate the final paragraph word for word." That is not how you write a test for the end of the year!

Just to stress my point... the test was so easy that anyone could sit down and take the test and still feel like they could've passed it even if they did not study the unit or take it at all.

Which is good seeing as I don't take that unit.

Yeah! Seeing as the days of silly test and exam answers are over because my exams ACTUALLY MATTER ALL OF THEM what with going towards my degree (that I desperately need to prove I actually DID something for 3 years) I have to find a new outlet for being an idiot.

So I sat in a lecture theatre and did a test I didn't have to for a unit I don't do. Fun right? I thought it was fun.

I stood around outside as people gathered to talk just before they did their test. I would go up to some of them and go "Man, I have NOT studied at all! I bet I'm going to fail... I haven't even listened to half the lectures." And it was quite amusing when you get genuine responses about your completely false concern... Then Sam-ham (the ma'am from Man......... durah) had to always interject with "YOU DON'T DO THIS UNIT!" (Thanks for telling them the TRUTH) That too was amusing because quite a few people thought I did... even the lecturer thinks I do. You see back when I was dumb enough to go to my Journalism lectures in the morning -which I could skip - on Monday's only to hang around for 4 and a half hours doing very little before my next class, I'd walk around and some of my friends do Radio and Sound so I would follow them into their tiny lecture theatre and draw while the lecturer talked about the British influence on the Australian broadcast media etc. I even stayed back to talk with the lecturer about things, giving him the illusion that I was a student eager to learn/a student who cared.

So I sit down, ready to take this test and I'm like "I'm just going to write nonsense on it for a joke... maybe some pictures." It starts and I put my real first name down out of habit... wait... DAMNIT! OK, better think of a fake last name... Knox........ no that's stupid... Knoxville! OK, pretty stupid but then again, I don't take this unit it'll be ok. But I couldn't just write random gibberish! It was multiple choice the first two answers! So I was like "hell, I can totally get this right... I'm going to tick the correct answer. This is so easy..."

Halfway through: "Man this is so easy I bet I could pass this.... wait... wait a second... I came in here to FAIL this test! Now here I am taking this seriously? But... it's just so easy!"

And that was about the time I wrote a swear word...

Well OK I put asterixes to censor it but you know you get the point. "When is it appropriate to use the dump button?" COME ON! Now that's just begging for me to not take it seriously. Seeing as at that point in time in the test I didn't know what it was (it was mentioned later on, thus explaining it. Don't you just love it when tests answer their own questions in the wording of other questions?) and I wasn't taking it seriously I decided this was the perfect time to say "When the b*** cheats on you with your brother and three other men! She's a whore! Dump her!"

You know, as you do halfway during the last test of the unit for the YEAR.

My list of silly answers was unfortunately very limited, I did really have very little room to work with. I was tempted to write "Chuck Norris" once but then figured out the answer. Yeah, I only answered like an idiot if I didn't know the answer...

Though in one it asked you a simple question of ethics where you had the phone number of the mother of a boy who has gone missing and your options are a) don't call the number b) call and REQUEST an interview c) Call and ask her questions, secretly record it and then later broadcast it on your show. Well the answer is obviously B (SEE HOW DAMN EASY THIS IS!?) then it asked you to justify your answer so I went "Because not even trying is not doing your job but if you're going to do something illegal you shouldn't broadcast evidence that you did it on the radio, sure do illegal things but be discrete if you're going to do it." Good advice.

Then I handed it in and left feeling that I could actually pass it despite not actually doing the unit... Though looking back I should've really done more. Like for example I came up with writing "...this isn't the biology test..." at the end of it. But alas, too late! Oh well, perhaps next year there'll be some test I can gate crash?

Well, we'll find out next year...

"This isn't veterinary science... this isn't veterinary science at all..."

Otters use Tools (Scott is wrong)

Otters are pretty damn cute.

They're also pretty damn smart. What? Otters are smart? Yes. Otters are smart (I just said that). So smart that they can use tools!

What? LIES! LIES! I hear you screeching like a deranged banshee at your computer screen until your throat is coarse and bloody. Dude, seriously calm down this is just an otter... look, have a picture of one to calm you down:



LALALALALALALALANOTLISTENINGSHUTUPSHUTUPDONTCAREOTTERSCANTUSETOOLS!

(Image source)

Silence yelling Otter of stupidity! It is time to educate you, and everyone else out there that Otters can indeed use tools! Don't believe me? Well let's skip past the Wikipedia Article on it that says that they can (Because hahaha Wikipedia, since when was that reliable?) to some other random website about wildlife and stuff...

Bam!

They are the only mammals other than primates, birds and a few other animals known to use tools. They use small rocks or other objects to pry shellfish from rocks and to hammer them open.

Propaganda! Yells the yelling Otter of Stupidity (see above) thinking that such trickery is simple and easy on the interwebs!

Well, feast your eyes on:

This video demonstrating in a bit of detail the point I am trying to make!

BAM! As you can see, it grabs a rock and smashes it against the clam on its stomach to break it open so it can eat the tasty gooey insides.

Still don't believe me that they're intelligent? Well screw you! OTTERS ATTACK!!!



Yes! Yes! Tear the flesh from his bones! Attack my pretties, faster! faster!

(Image Source)

Next on Animals that are far more intelligent then you think: Squirrels. THEY CAN SOLVE PUZZLES SCOTT! THEY CAN AND THEY ARE PLOTTING OUR DOWNFALL!



(source)

My goodness is that an evil squirrel...

P.S. Shut up Scott, Otters use tools.

The Trees have been Spared!

Remember that last blog post where I said I wasn't going to stop printing out endless applications and resumes (thus slowly killing trees) until I got a call back?

Well, thanks to a very special someone (you may remember them from a previous blog post where I called their current staff incompetent?) the trees have been saved because I have a job interview! (NOTE: I only meant ONE of their stores have incompetent staff... I have a job interview at the OTHER store nearby... though yes, I did apply to the one closer that has random poorly alphabetised DVD's everywhere. So it's a GOOD thing that they'd hire me! They're obviously out to find good employees of fine quality that are intelligent, funny, social team workers who have a passion for film, such as myself!)

I am so happy! Has the curse been lifted? Will I somehow ace this interview and get my dream job? (As in my dream retail job... My dream job is film maker. But you know, you got to start somewhere. Quentin Tarantino did) This is brilliant! I hope they don't ever read my blog!

I was sitting in my creative writing class when I got the call. I looked at my phone and didn't recognise the number, it wasn't on my contacts list. Suddenly I realised that unknown contact = EMPLOYER!!!

"I must take this" I said as I rushed out of class, answering the phone before I had even reached the door (much to the amusement of my classmates, who jokingly yelled out "YES MR PRESIDENT?!" as I left the room).

"Hello, it's (name) from Video Ezy, how are you?"

"YES! I mean, I'm good. How are you?"

Yeah, I literally did this while on the phone just after I had exited the classroom:



Image source:

Though admittedly not quite as enthusiastic as Lleyton Hewitt, but still. I was damn excited and I have every reason to be so! I got a job interview! Finally! After three YEARS of trying harder and harder it pays off! I handed in an application and the NEXT DAY I get a call! Thank you God, you rock dude.

So come this Wednesday I am going to rock out. Bring it on interviewer, let me wow you. Could anyone go any further for a Video Rental Store job than a Film Student? Hello, I am a FILM STUDENT! that is desperate for a job and committed enough to do it properly! There is none more suited for this job than I! I do really believe being a film student actually helped secure me this interview, and as such I utter the following sentence:

To those who think doing a Humanities subject at University will never get a person a job: Suck it.

Yeah!

Death to Trees!

Recently I decided that enough is enough. Sure, I am permanently unemployable according to past experience but if I've learnt anything from the past 3 years of constant trying it's this...

Try harder.

Resumes are propaganda and you just need to put enough of it out there before someone actually believes you are worth the job. I firmly believe that stubbornness is the best way to get things done, because persistence and resilience is really just a kind of stubbornness. Don't think I'm worth giving a job to? Well I'll try somewhere else. I'll try again in 3 months. I won't stop bugging you.



Image from: Here

So recently I have decided to apply to at least one place every single day until I get a job. It's not a "oh I've done one job application I can tick that off my list of things to do today" nonsense. No. It's a print out a dozen resumes and see how fast I can get rid of them kind of thing.

I will not stop killing off the trees until I get an interview! Want the rainforests to be preserved? Then lower the damn unemployment rate by employing me! May the end of preservation hang heavy on the guilty conscience of the local retail business not mine. I blame them entirely for my print, hand out, repeat attitude.

I walk into stores, find the manager and go "Merry Christmas!" as I hand them a resume. Sometimes I even say "Give me the gift of a job this Christmas" just to make them feel guilty for not considering it. If you need a Christmas Casual you cannot overlook me! The delightful spry adult who needs someone to interview him to know just how brilliant he can be at whatever job that you need!

I don't care if most of you employers will take one look at my long curly hair and beard and think I'm a lazy slob, I don't care if they skim read it, see no outstanding record of retail experience at age 18, I will not stop trying. Someone out there is going to stop and think "He's 18 with no proper experience... because before no one would hire him because he was 17 with no proper experience..." thus realising that it is not a deficiency on my side, but actually an unfortunate cycle of "you don't have experience thus I won't employ you" preventing me from getting experience to ACTUALLY GET EMPLOYED!

So death to the trees. I wish it hadn't come to this... but the environment must die if I am to ever hope of rising above the curse of unemployment. Sorry Environment...

Failure has only brought me to become more determined. Bring it world.

Bring it.

How to Fail your Drivers Test (In Under 15 Minutes)

Dearest random reader from Slovenia, let me tell you about the epic task of getting one's driving license in Australia.

First, you pass a written test, then when you're 16 you get your Learners (Or L's) then you learn, then you take a practical test, then you drive around even more as a Learner, then you take your Hazard Perception test to get your P's (Or... What does P stand for? Who knows? Nothing probably...) then you drive around for a few years before they actually go "Yeah, after about 5 years we're going to give you a proper license." Which is actually a stupid order to things when you think about it. You see, if only they gave you the Hazard Perception Test BEFORE the Practical Test then you wouldn't fail nearly as much because you'd have to actually understand how the road works before you take your test . That way you wouldn't get cute 17 year old girls cutting me off at roundabouts... and then failing their test 5 minutes in.

Ha! An amateur mistake! Double lane roundabouts are bound to stuff up first time test takers no matter how experienced they are at driving!

...that's what happened to me the first time I failed.

Yeah, I failed my drivers test in under 15 minutes last time I tried it back in January. I called up near the end of December thinking I'd get something in February because people always say you need to book months in advance they're always booked. To my surprise I got something in the very start of January. The 3rd or something... 4th? 5th? Well they informed me that I would have to give 48 business hours before the test if I wanted to change or cancel my test which due to the large amounts of public holidays at the end of the year meant I had until.... 5pm to change. It was about 3 at the time. ".....Yeah OK."

Roundabouts... they're evil. They lurk there, waiting for you to enter them, waiting for you to screw up your indicator or not give way to the right... or just barrel straight through them even though they are curved and you need to indicate before changing lanes/you're not meant to change lanes while entering a roundabout...

..that's what I did. *Ahem*

So yes, I did what anyone who failed their drivers test did. I didn't drive for a very long time and when I did I avoided roundabouts.



(No, I am not this bad)

But then I got back on my horse and I got back to driving (which I know I can do, I am fine it's just I completely freaked and mindblanked during the test) and even got a few professional lessons and the teacher was like "OK let's do this... OK you can do that fine, let's do something else... OK you can do this fine too but (insert tiny little bit of advice). OK you don't actually need lessons... one more then book your test."

He even gave me a lesson just beforehand to make sure everything was polished and smoothed over then loaned me the car for the test. As we walk up to the licensing centre I received the weirdest analogy for taking a drivers test ever.

"Take it slow, don't rush it. It's like screwing a woman, if you take it too fast you ejaculate too soon."

....Um.................... thanks..... great thing to hear just before a drivers test.

(Because, there's nothing like a middle aged man talking about premature ejaculation to calm your nerves before a big practical test)

So today it was Take 2: Me vs The Australian Licensing Centre. BRING IT! I drove fine, I never neglected my indicating, my mirror checking, I stopped at every stop sign. Then I was easing out into the middle of an intersection, as you do, and was thinking about going, as you do when there's no oncoming traffic, but there were two people coming up to turn (each quite a bit apart) I wait for the first one, may have started edging forward and- ASSESSOR SLAMS BREAKS! Instant fail - failure to give way to traffic.

WOMAN! Can't you see I was trying to drive? Damnit to hell! I was barely moving you didn't have to hit the breaks!

On the bright side I lasted a whole probably 5 minutes longer than last time (I was still on section one of their little sheet of things to tick and comment shamefully on. I can't think of a proper name for it so let's call it "The Paper of SHAME") but still under 15 minutes.

Then later my mother, quite shocked that her perfectly competent driver of a son failed... again... was driving me around as I was handing out applications (OK I had been driving a good half of the day before my drivers test, I can only drive so much before I want to rest) was all like "What? I don't understand how did you fail your drivers test?" (she says while turning right at a traffic light) to which I reply "What you just did. I did exactly what you just did..."

Then I examined the situation and realised that traffic lights generally have give way sections when turning left and I was turning right, which means the guy coming on that I failed because of SHOULD'VE GIVEN WAY TO ME AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOT AN INSTANT FAIL! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! STUPID FOWL WOMAN THAT DRIVERS LICENSE SHOULD BE MINE!

Then I thought about it some more and realised that there is ONE (ONLY ONE) traffic light intersection in Joondalup where this almost universal rule is excepted and there is an arrow traffic light for those turning left on one side but not the other... so it MIGHT have been THAT. Yeah, I was turning right and there was no arrow. I was put in the most obscure and most difficult situation I could've been and I was caught out on a tiny tiny judgement.

Yep, the basic gist of how to Fail your Drivers Test in Under 15 Minutes is to not drive straight. Any point in time that requires you to stop and then turn is going to be your downfall. Oh yeah, that and I didn't sleep well or eat anything after breakfast and so my test, which was in the afternoon, was done while trying to stay awake. BAD IDEA! Hear me Learner drivers, the world is not straight, it is bent and it is going to eat you alive no matter what you do.

So what do you do about it?

You grab that carbon copy of The Paper of SHAME and scrunch it up (after taking note of the mistake you made last time to make sure you never make it again) and throw it in the bin. You book another damn test and you take it again as soon as you can. You know you can drive, don't get discouraged, you let your ego inflate not deflate.

Failure is something that happens naturally, success is rarely natural it needs to be forced. If someone says you failed, prove them wrong.

Spite and stubbornness. Two of the greatest motivators in the world. Next time I shall succeed, and if I don't I will just try again until I do.

I remember this one line from a movie called Little Man Tate (1991):

"A reasonable man adapts himself to the world around him. An unreasonable man expects to the world to adapt *to* him. Therefore all progress is made by unreasonable men."

That stuck with me, I don't remember any other part of the film except that line. I believe it's quite true. Problems are there for you to step on so you can reach higher, not to drag you down.

The World is Watching Me

You know how I often joke that I don't have an audience? (Even my stalker seems to have given up, and I don't blame her but it would be nice if she did come online once in a while) Well turns out I'm wrong. You see I may only have 7 followers (none of which comment ever. Seriously guys, comments? They help me feel loved...) in 2 countries but turns out I have actually got a lot more people reading the things I say than I ever imagined...

...and they come from EVERYWHERE! (some of the less popular ones I've never even heard of!)



And that doesn't show all my randoms from India and a bunch of other places. My blog has been garnering a lot more attention than I thought! Apparently it's got 4 hits this week from Slovenia and 11 in India, 11 from Malta this month and I don't even know where that is! The good citizens of the US of A are oddly more interested with 61 hits this month.

"Wow... wow" you're saying "... that is barely anything at all " But I mean come on! Before I didn't think anyone at all was reading, that it was shut off completely from the world, but now I realise that I'm getting over 200 hits a month (or at least I did last month... you know if I got around 250 hits last month then why is my total hit count only around 700? I think it's because the Google Stats button on my blog is actually quite relatively recent and so it hasn't been measuring the hits for many months...)

So hmm... I actually thought earlier on today that it meant I'd been read over 800 times in the past 2 and a half years but I suppose I'm probably wrong. I am so much more popular than ever before... I have... an audience.

You know what that means... I'm warming up my blogging-muscles and getting ready to trim the blog-flab...

(Dramatic music for large build up)

It's time to blog.

(dun dun dun!)

Paranormal Activi-SHUT THE HELL UP!

Let me tell you the story of how I decided to go see Paranormal Activity 2 with a friend.

Kids from the theatre: if you're reading this I can only assume that you're so petty as to hold a grudge and are attempting to stalk me? Kindly move on. I know I did like... hours ago. It was so minor a conflict, learn to let things go.

Back to the story:

"Hey, come see this movie with me!"
"...OK sure."

We bought tickets to the film! Everyone waved and called out to my friend because apparently every 14/15 year old there (which was over 90% of the audience...) knew her and went to her school. Good for them. I sure hope they don't think I'm dating her...

We walk into the theatre. As the previews roll, someone gets out their green laser pointer...

Oh. Good.

Well you know normally there's that little bit of chatter during the previews and no one minds because you know it's just trailers and ads and then when the film is about to start there's a hushed shh? Well that didn't happen. People just got LOUDER as the film started.

The green laser pointer went away pretty quickly into the film so that was good.

But everyone was just so juvenile, immature and obnoxious. I should have asked for my money back.

The idea behind the Paranormal Activity films is to immerse you in silence... it builds the tension and suspense up by having pointless seeming shots that are incredibly inactive for long periods of time. There's barely any sound and no music to build mood or even give a beat. You sit... and wait... and then even simple things become freaky. Then big things become HUGE and creepy as all hell. It's simple, it's creepy, if it's watched during the day or with noise in the background the film is outright ruined.

So imagine my frustration when there's not just one or two noisy movie goers but an ENTIRE CROWD! They laughed and joked and yelled out things during the film almost constantly. If something scary was about to happen someone had to break the tension with noise. If something scary just happened they had to ruin it by laughing at those who were scared. I only got two scares out of the film when there should've been more. Though apparently it gets better later on so that sucks that I left early...

"I'll give you $5 if you punch that guy who is talking over there..."
"The one in the middle? Sure."

I went a few seats forward and sat there waiting for him to talk... the guy next to him did first so I slapped him in the back of the head and ran back to my seat. I nearly ran into someone returning. It was amusing but then I realised that they were very angry and were talking, pointing at me and looking back and I thought "oh... great... they're going to hit me as soon as I walk out..."

You know I wasn't really scared that they'd severely hurt me, they were 15... (which I learnt soon after when my friend goes "that guy next to him goes to my school... don't worry they're all 15") but I like to avoid conflict if I can. Sure, slapping someone seems to invite it but I wanted to move to a part of the theatre where they couldn't just turn their heads and see me.

But the film itself. That was interesting. It unfortunately (to its demise) at times added in a little bit of humour which just put the audience off for what would happen next... which wasn't a bang or a crash but words and revelations that should've been more shocking but weren't. Though some of the scares were so huge that not even the audiences poor manners made boring. One was big and sudden and garnered a reaction I have never experienced before in a movie theatre. You know in the trailers for Paranormal Activity they show you the audience screaming (because they can't show much footage from the film because it's not that interesting trailer-wise)? Well that didn't happen for the first film but in the 2nd one it did when I was there. All the girls were SCREAMING and other people were pretending to scream to mock them and then everyone else was laughing at those who were screaming instead of just jumping and so you've got screaming and laughing at the same time... accompanied by CLAPPING. Yes, apparently the scare was SO GOOD that people decided to applaud it. Bravo film, bravo! I have never been in an audience that has applauded a film half-way through...

There was another scare. The difference between the first film and the second is the second has a lot more camera angles. It's mainly security footage interspersed with a character picking up a camera occasionally so you get different shots. There was one bit that just had the female part of the audience screeching their heads off, it was actually quite brilliant and the highlight of the film (that I stuck around to watch) and the thing was there was the initial shock of it all so lots of people screamed but then it cut to a new angle (because the character was moving, I won't tell you why or where) and the screams would start again and it cut again and then more screaming and it just didn't die down. The woman runs somewhere and BAM! Another shock scare followed by a cut and more screaming and screaming and screaming. It was good, that bit made me jump and got my heart racing. I didn't scream, I don't do that.

But as always, the other half of the audience decided that this was the opportune moment to KEEP TALKING AND LAUGHING. Seriously the film actually had a really interesting part, LET ME WATCH IT WITH THE SCREAMS OF FEAR OF LITTLE GIRLS INTENDED!

Convinced that this audience would not get any less annoying and that the film was ruined I did what I've never done before...

...walk out. Never been so utterly annoyed/bored because I can't engage in a film that I walked out. That's just how bad it was. I wasn't the one who suggested it btw, it was my friend who was like "let's go" so I just agreed. Terrible circumstances.

The problem was that the kid I slapped walked out with me... along with 5 of his friends.

Oh no. Children...

I ignored them until they tapped me on the shoulder and it would've been rude to ignore them. They were instantly trying to intimidate me with their back up and swear words. Whatever guys. I found the one that I hit and explained "I'm sorry but everyone was talking and I was very annoyed, I couldn't enjoy the film because of the noise so I took my anger out on you because you talked. I apologise." So I explained that it wasn't personal.

They didn't accept the apology.

"We're going to bomb you!" - I could tell from the context that "bomb" meant "beat". Kids these days with their slang... what?

Insert more swear words, angry looks and such. You know where someone moves their head quickly towards someone's face to get them to flinch so they look tougher? He did that really close to my face really quickly. I didn't even flinch because it was just bizarre and pathetic not scary... he's a kid moving his face UP towards mine not DOWN at me... I apologised again, they didn't like it and I was like "Can't you take an apology?" and they said "No." (More of the same rar rar we're intimidating you because you're a c*** p**** get the f*** away because blah blah blah bomb blah blah) You know they said my slap was unimpressive and weak (it was meant to be weak, I didn't want to physically harm you dude I just wanted you and every one else to shut up) and I apologised thoroughly, what more does one want really? Leave me alone.

They told me to walk away or more threatening things will occur and you know I didn't want to look submissive but hey I had said everything I could, the conversation wasn't going anywhere and I just wanted the conflict resolved so I left as they wished. They went back to whatever and my friend and I had a good laugh about it afterwards along with the less impressive parts of the film. You see that's what you do, you laugh about things and be loud AFTER the film not DURING it when people are trying to enjoy it!

I don't want to pay more money to see the end of that film... so I'm not going to.

This just in! One of the "posse" just tried to add me on Facebook. Dude, what? You had to go through the trouble of finding me online? Let. It. Go.

They're now talking on my friends wall laughing about me laughing about how I "ran away" and how funny it was when that guy tried to headbutt me... Oh so that's what that was. It didn't make contact. We laughed about it too, apparently all involved thought it was funny. My friend thought he was about to kiss me. I'm not going to continue that thought with jokes about him or his look or that would be mean and I don't want to be mean to these kids... they're just kids. I slapped one, I probably shouldn't have (there were others much more deserving of a slap, that and I now know that violence really isn't an effective communication tool... though they were quieter after I had hit them, it's probably because they were plotting against me instead of understanding that I wanted them - along with EVERYONE ELSE - to be quieter) and then I apologised multiple times. There doesn't need to be any more conflict and I certainly don't want to encourage that... especially not with troubled kids.

So I'm going to ignore them now and let them talk themselves up as so high and mighty amongst themselves, exaggerate the story perhaps a little about me "running in fear" (I actually left because my friend was so annoyed at everyone talking that she was too bored to watch the rest of the film so she decided to leave and I just followed...) and whatever. Eventually they'll move past it and hopefully I'll never run into them again...

Or... oh no! More words! More harsh crude words!

I don't care too much for the opinions of my peers let alone the scorn of children...

Goodnight and remember, please turn your phone off during the duration of the film and be silent out of courtesy for other patrons. Thank you.

KARNIVOOL!

Let me tell you a story of a thing called One Movement Music Festival. I got free tickets for 2 for both today (Saturday) and tomorrow (....Sunday...) because I go to Murdoch and they sponsor the event apparently. Basically, easiest thing I have ever won in my life! First musical festival I've ever been to, I've never really been to a "real" concert (Those Free Valentines Day ones for charity kinda don't count.... OK maybe they do... but I was so far away from the stage, and so not interested in ANY OF THE MUSIC) so this was an awesome day of firsts.

Well nearly a week ago on Sunday I actually woke up nearly deaf. Another thing, this was an 18+ event. I didn't have a proof of age card when I got the ticket. These two things would've REALLY sucked if they weren't both solved not long before. After three days of pain and near silence I went to the doctor and had my ears flushed out and suddenly I could hear! And now just hear like I could before, but hear better than I could in 2 years! Suddenly everything was incredibly LOUD (the sound of typing on the keyboard gave me a headache it was so loud. My clothes made noise as they moved and someone in the distant kept yelling for help because they were stuck down a well...) I also could hear tones so much better than before! Music before was great, I loved it, it really moved me. Now... now I can hear so much better! I can hear all the little bits I was missing and notes are sharper, somehow more interesting.

Life is good. My ID arrived JUST in time, the day before, and I could hear. OFF TO THE FESTIVAL!

Quick background information. It started at 1, got there not long afterwards, went in and found a person I knew (also from Murdoch, there were a bunch of Murdoch people walking around going 'hahaha I got in here for free!') and enjoyed some music by some bands I had never heard of, and probably no one else had either as they were on at the start of the afternoon when few people had arrived. The bands started off good, then kinda went downhill... then went back up and then the finale was epic. The Trews were interesting. I actually enjoyed their music enough to go buy their album from a tent and then have them sign it! The guitarist was hell into it, he was moving around, sweating, swinging the guitar a bit, even put it behind his head at one point for some of a solo. Truly energetic and showman like, unlike some of the other bands... or even the bassist. The dude didn't smile and only moved to go sing in a microphone that the guitarist was using as a backup singer then returned to near the drums. It was amusing :P Then there was a redhead who was so pretty, but that went nowhere so let's fast forward to the final acts.

I met someone. I decided, hey, I'll meet someone new... so I randomly started talking to someone and they laughed. Laughed in the good way, not in the "hahaha you're funny because you're weird" or "hahaha please don't kill me". That went well, then it was off to delve into the crowd! Find a person I knew and get ear damage together! I believe Children Collide was playing at that time. They rocked. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance and actually moved during it. Normally I'm very inanimate when music is playing. I don't dance. But yes, the singer from Children Collide looked (and at times even sounded slightly) like Kurt Cobain. That was awesome. He was even performing very energetic and erratic at times going crazy with his guitar. Yeah! Didn't even bother to make proper chords near the end, just hit the guitar, strummed it open and such. Or at least that was what it looked like. Basically just went crazy at it and it sounded awesome.

Then... then was Dead Letter Circus! YEAH! (Or was something between it and that? I don't think so... I don't know) By then my voice was starting to hurt from having to speak loudly all day. They performed brilliantly and then for the final song they got members of Karnivool to come on stage with them! YEAH! I yelled (in my broken, slowly turning Munchkin meets E.T. voice that emanated from my pained vocal chords) "This is the best day ever!" to my friend. Then it got better!

Grinspoon! The 2nd act I came to see. The singer actually does things instead of just sing. He makes odd gestures and such instead of just singing a song and leaving. If you ever start a band, go see other bands and you'll find the more popular ones do things while they perform instead of just standing there. Twas brilliant! Between Dead Letter Circus and Grinspoon I kept getting closer and closer to stage until the final act...

Karnivool. Almost at the very front, only one or two people in front of me at any point in time. Awesome. Karnivool at volumes so high you can't even hear yourself scream the lyrics with them is epic. The singer holds his hand up when sustaining notes and also kinda dances. It was so much fun watching them live. The music just is brilliant, and just weaves together in this awesome alternative rock/metal kind of way. When he's not singing, the vocalist does this dance sort of thing, where his arms sway with the music and everything is just in time. It's just an amazing experience to have this poetic lyrics and wonderful music put together so well and performed to entertain in every aspect. The movement, the melody, the lights, it all worked to reach a level of excitement. I enjoyed it so much :D Now I hurt. The only disappointment was that it didn't quite reach 10 as it said, and there was no encore! You're the final act! Come back on stage and wow us again! Our chants went unanswered...

Well, I'm going tomorrow :D Though unfortunately there won't be any Karnivool. Perhaps there'll be a band worth listening to there? Better bring money just in case... must collect autographed things :D

Also, by the end my voice was screwed up. I still don't think it's better yet. But near the end/as I was leaving random people would come up to me and go "I LOVE YOUR HAIR!" and "YOU HAVE SUCH AWESOME CURLS!" (One woman, who had a bit to drink, was all up in my face like an inch from me grabbing my hair just going "I am in LOVE... with your CURLS!!!") and I would reply with "Thank you! You're welcome!" Only it was high pitched, crackly and pained so was more like "THAnk YoU! YoU'Re welCome!" and they didn't know that I didn't actually sound like that in real life... oh well :P

Dear Video Ezy

Dear Video Ezy

Your store has reached a new found level of unfavourability as you have shown that you have many short comings in the world of business and entertainment. Your selection of DVD's doesn't seem to grow despite the ever increasing amount of movies released each year, suggesting that you throw away most of them, the less popular or obscure ones. Basically the ones I want to watch. Though I still manage to find things within the store, my family and I have never managed to actually get out a random selection of 6 DVD's without at least one or two of them being scratched and partially if not fully not working to which you simply clean the DVD's (then probably throw them out without replacing) which NEVER EVER WORKS. We having cleaning things at home, you are treating us as simpletons.

I am constantly finding things out of alphabetical order or in the wrong category and you keep shuffling what genres to put near the Adults only section. It should have stayed with Horror because little kids don't watch MA15+/R18 slasher gore films, but they do watch classic (well, I do), sci-fi, drama and action.

Your incompetence has forced us to stop a family tradition that has gone back as far as I can remember: to borrow films from you every holidays to enjoy. I hope you're happy that you have left my holidays bland, boring and more internet reliant than ever thanks to your young and seemingly antisocial staff.

Enclosed in this envelope you will find a resume and job application. I look forward to hearing from you, as I desperately need money.

Thank you :)

5-Posts and a Webcomic

5 blog posts in a month!? Whoa, man haven't been this blog-pumped since February! (This year, last year Feb was like whooaaa extreme blogging. Though nothing compares to the good old days when it started when I got up to 10 posts in a month. Wow, losing my game) Got to keep my blogging muscles in shape, don't want to get blog-flab... (the other kind of blog-flab, as opposed to the flab you get from excessive sitting on the computer and blogging... one must achieve balance between the two in life)

I didn't actually have something to blog about, I just thought "Yay! I could make it to 5 blog posts in a month! Keep going!" Though the wonderful Caitlin Hill way out did me with her BEDA thing and did 15 in August. Good for her, I'm not really competing with her, just saying... she blogged. She blogged alll ovveerrr that internets. Oh yeah. That's good yeah. That's good blogging, yeah I'd like to read her posts if you know what I mean! (That's not innuendo, I'm just turned on by the internet)

Another thing I'd like to point out to you is the hilariously dark and depressing art of John Campbell. (Who does the webcomic pictures for sad children which is absurd, dark, and incorporates magic realism into the comic to help you go along with the bizarre twists and turns of the comic. Here is an example of how it is odd: LINK! and remember, there's alt-text so hover your mouse! And read on for the next 2 or 3 strips at least. It's part of a story. The girl who appears in the next two met him at a party and for some reason butterflies seem to be attracted to her, which is why you'll see lots of them eventually.) John Campbell also did an art show somewhere somewhen, I don't know either... but I do know is that he posted a few photos of it on his tumblr!

HIS TUMBLR!

Ya'll just got LINKED! I love it. It's very simplistic, but it's odd, it's amusing yet dark and it's different. I've got "A Brief History of Art" as my desktop background.

Great, now I'm reading through Pictures for Sad Children webcomics, I will have to drag myself away from them to do any work. When I get into a webcomic I read it all the way through from the beginning of it's archive until I catch up with the creator. Then I get bored because I don't get to read 100 posts per night and have to wait a few days until the next one... eventually I find a new webcomic to read all the way through, by the time I've gotten through that the older ones got newer ones so I go through the couple that have accumulated. I do it especially with Questionable Content by J. Jacques and Cyanide and Happiness by Kris Wilson, Rob DenBleyker, Matt Melvin and Dave McElfatrick (hehe they have amusing surnames) because Questionable Content has a running storyline throughout it's entire publication, and I often just forget about C&H for a while and then come back to it when I have nothing else. The system works.

Update on MY webcomic... I swear I'll get round to it during December! When I have a job, when I have more time to get it going. I don't want to start it then have an assignment due and then lose interest because I got busy. Ah December, I look forward to you greatly. I will create many things then, not just webcomics.

Now I am looking at Abstract Expressionism on the internet. At first glance one might go "this is gibberish! this is nonsense! It is terrible!" But on closer inspection you can see "Well this guy actually has talent, this is interesting, this is very meaningful..." ... but that only happens like... 1 in 5. The REST are gibberish! nonsense! terrible! It's like some metal bands, where they take all the stereotypical parts of metal, fast drum beats, screaming, fast riffs, and mash them up together without understanding the actual reason behind it, or the nuance of proper music. Some people create bizarre art, others just paint a yellow line down a brown background and go "I'm brilliant!" No. Minimalism can be done, and it can be done with talent. You do not have talent Barnett Newman! Aghhh!!!

End scene.

I'm on the train right...

So there I was, on the train, wearing 3-quarter camouflage pants, converse shoe look a likes and my collarless shirt with superman on it with no jacket because it was hot. I was playing my Pokemon Yellow (original copy from the 90's) on my old Gameboy Advance (not the SP), my long untamed, unbrushed and curly hair on my shoulders complimenting my untended to hobo beard... just listening to some alternative/experimental rock band from Canada on my non-iPod mp3 player and taking up space on the train because I'm slightly overweight.

A very hot girl sits down next to me.

Oddly enough, the idea that perhaps striking a conversation with her did not occur to me to be a likely thing to occur in the near future.

"So heard about the upcoming Green Lantern movie? Dude is weak to like... yellow..."

Which is even worse than Hancock's weakness... which is true love. Awww... (which is quite the weakness, and we should learn to overcome that and be strong even when a girl is nearby...) Sorry I meant SPOILERS!!! There, now you can read the sentence that I just wrote. Happy? Good. Let's move on.

Though there did turn out to be a nerd girl on the train! I saw her at the Esplanade waiting for the next train, as we had both been forced off the one we were on already because it was terminating (WHY!? WHY NOT JUST KEEP GOING LIKE YOU NORMALLY DO!?) and she was playing Pokemon on her Gameboy Advance SP (DAMN HER! She's semi-old school but still more advanced/richer than I?) Then on the way home she was on the train once again. Ah, a nerd girl on the train! If only I talked to her... if only she was more attractive... Not that she was unattractive, but she looked misleadingly fit for a girl playing Pokemon. Admit it, you go for runs don't you? DON'T YOU!? You're an athlete luring me in with your Pokemons...

Anyhoo...

Trains. They're on strike again. Why? Why indeed? I suppose we'll be getting news reports on it. Perhaps even I'll write one! I am a journalist.... student after all! Although it is a bit ambitious for me seeing as I've never actually interviewed anyone , this is actually only my second assignment and I doubt the government department of transportation returns 1st year Journalism students' phone calls. I will most likely end up thinking of a more realistic idea for my assignment... but oh well. Next time there's a strike and I've actually become a confident/competent journalist I will be there! I will not be turned away! I will watch my step and mind the gap as I enter the door, but that door will be your office door mr... whoever! (Or ms or mrs) Or... I will phone you! But either way, I shall get my interview.

Thankfully every time there's a strike I somehow manage to coincidentally leave home hours early. Which is good for me, but it can't possibly keep going forever... soon, I shall be stuck at a train station missing something important all because of YOU! YOU TRANSPERTH!

Turns out this sort of thing is not local (DUH) and can be found everywhere... even London! :O

Click on this link for a funny flash animation song!

Enjoy that song? Yeah I found it amusing too... oh wait sorry I mean: Warning! Contains harsh language and should not be listened to by small children... with parents nearby. Oh I'm bad at the reasonable forewarning aren't I?

Well goodnight stalkers :) Enjoy my life.

Generation of Fug

Have you seen the latest generation of Pokemon!? I'm looking through them as we speak and one thing has jumped out at me...

...they're fugly.

Man, kids these days... Kids these days aren't even as old as the franchises they follow! Hell, I actually am younger than some of the most famous children's franchises that are still around today... TMNT for one (yes, it's from the 80's! ) Transformers is another. I'm not really a big follower of either (though I do love those mutant turtles... fond memories as a kid watching them). Pokemon on the other hand consistently makes me feel like a kid again as I keep going back to it to play the game again or check when the next movie comes out (I haven't seen past movie 4... so going "wow #13 came out in Japan a while ago!" doesn't really excite me that much). I am older than it! Yay? I remember as a little kid turning on the TV to see this bizarre yellow mouse electrocuting a 10 year old boy repeatedly and thought that it was worth watching. You know as far as pilots for children's TV shows go, forced animal fights and child abuse is pretty interesting and will definitely get you an audience of some kind, even if part of it is concerned parents going "You shouldn't be watching this!"

My mother doesn't like Pokemon... she thinks it's pointless.

She's wrong! No!

But back to the point: The new pokemon are ugly. Some of them are no longer animals, they're just... things. Stupid pointless things.

One of them right, is a blob of icecream... it evolves into an icecream cone... which then evolves into... a double icecream cone! My goodness!



Damn it's ugly. I'd much rather eat it than catch/train it. Can you imagine that? Go Baibanira! (It's called that in Japanese) The opponent used Sunny Day! Baibanira melted... you lost the match. But yeah, if you're hungry or your pokemon is hungry, just take it out of it's pokeball and start to lick it. Lick it good. At first it thinks you're giving it affection in a bizarre way, but no, it soon realises the horror that awaits it... it starts to struggle, starts to scream it's name as it's mind wraps around the concept that you are going to kill and devour it slowly. It knows it can't escape and it accepts it's fate as you murder it in cold blood....

... right in front of a staring child...

Mwahahahahaha!

A lot of Pokemon also seem to just be the same as old ones only slightly different. For example: Here's the less threatening/interesting version of the already ugly Carvanha.



Whyyy? It doesn't even do anything! It doesn't evolve it just sits there being ugly! Not even Dark type Ugly, just... a fish with serious need of some glasses.

You know as far as eating your Pokemon go, this next one you probably would. It's basically a moogle... only turned into a shroom.



Actually, this one isn't that ugly... it's kinda cute. I don't know why I had a problem with this one earlier it's actually all right... besides the fact that it is obviously a pokeball turned into a mushroom with a pig nose. Previous generations have had hideous pokemon too. Generation 1 had Mr Mime, Gen 2 had Dunsparce, Gen 3 had Huntail, Ludicolo, Shelgon, Hariyama and so on, Gen 4 had Purguly, Probapass, Mamoswine, Bidoof, Budew, Amipom, Buizel... OK the list goes on and on... And my LEAST favourite... CARNIVINE!



IT'S SO HIDEOUS! I was repulsed when I first encountered it, I didn't want to catch it I wanted to set it on fire until it died. What is it!? Why does it look like a poorly made muppet!?

WHYYYYYY!!!!????

So yeah, I see the trend here in Pokemon is that they will get increasingly ugly. I fear to see Gen 6 when they one day develop that. Hunchback versions of old pokemon everywhere! Pokemon that resemble squabbling inbred rats mixed with birds that did it with trees, pokemon that start to resemble machines instead of animals. A sad clown with only half a face and a tail, a monkey that lives underwater and resembles a half goat with insomnia. Nothing is too bizarre for Pokemon! Hell, they took Tauros and gave him a freaking affro:



WHY!? WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU!?

Well, all in all... I still cannot wait to play Black and White :) Come on, get released in Australia! Woo! Apparently no Pokemon from prior generations appear in the Ishuu region itself which sucks a lot... for most things... but on the bright side: NO ZUBATS! I hate caves because of them. You just keep running into so many Zubats! They're not even worth the experience they give you for killing them!

All images are the official artwork of the talented Ken Sugimori.