Death to Trees!

Recently I decided that enough is enough. Sure, I am permanently unemployable according to past experience but if I've learnt anything from the past 3 years of constant trying it's this...

Try harder.

Resumes are propaganda and you just need to put enough of it out there before someone actually believes you are worth the job. I firmly believe that stubbornness is the best way to get things done, because persistence and resilience is really just a kind of stubbornness. Don't think I'm worth giving a job to? Well I'll try somewhere else. I'll try again in 3 months. I won't stop bugging you.



Image from: Here

So recently I have decided to apply to at least one place every single day until I get a job. It's not a "oh I've done one job application I can tick that off my list of things to do today" nonsense. No. It's a print out a dozen resumes and see how fast I can get rid of them kind of thing.

I will not stop killing off the trees until I get an interview! Want the rainforests to be preserved? Then lower the damn unemployment rate by employing me! May the end of preservation hang heavy on the guilty conscience of the local retail business not mine. I blame them entirely for my print, hand out, repeat attitude.

I walk into stores, find the manager and go "Merry Christmas!" as I hand them a resume. Sometimes I even say "Give me the gift of a job this Christmas" just to make them feel guilty for not considering it. If you need a Christmas Casual you cannot overlook me! The delightful spry adult who needs someone to interview him to know just how brilliant he can be at whatever job that you need!

I don't care if most of you employers will take one look at my long curly hair and beard and think I'm a lazy slob, I don't care if they skim read it, see no outstanding record of retail experience at age 18, I will not stop trying. Someone out there is going to stop and think "He's 18 with no proper experience... because before no one would hire him because he was 17 with no proper experience..." thus realising that it is not a deficiency on my side, but actually an unfortunate cycle of "you don't have experience thus I won't employ you" preventing me from getting experience to ACTUALLY GET EMPLOYED!

So death to the trees. I wish it hadn't come to this... but the environment must die if I am to ever hope of rising above the curse of unemployment. Sorry Environment...

Failure has only brought me to become more determined. Bring it world.

Bring it.

Dear Video Ezy

Dear Video Ezy

Your store has reached a new found level of unfavourability as you have shown that you have many short comings in the world of business and entertainment. Your selection of DVD's doesn't seem to grow despite the ever increasing amount of movies released each year, suggesting that you throw away most of them, the less popular or obscure ones. Basically the ones I want to watch. Though I still manage to find things within the store, my family and I have never managed to actually get out a random selection of 6 DVD's without at least one or two of them being scratched and partially if not fully not working to which you simply clean the DVD's (then probably throw them out without replacing) which NEVER EVER WORKS. We having cleaning things at home, you are treating us as simpletons.

I am constantly finding things out of alphabetical order or in the wrong category and you keep shuffling what genres to put near the Adults only section. It should have stayed with Horror because little kids don't watch MA15+/R18 slasher gore films, but they do watch classic (well, I do), sci-fi, drama and action.

Your incompetence has forced us to stop a family tradition that has gone back as far as I can remember: to borrow films from you every holidays to enjoy. I hope you're happy that you have left my holidays bland, boring and more internet reliant than ever thanks to your young and seemingly antisocial staff.

Enclosed in this envelope you will find a resume and job application. I look forward to hearing from you, as I desperately need money.

Thank you :)

JB Hi-Fi Application

I seriously need a job. Do you think JB Hi-Fi will employ me if I apply like this?

Edited for purposes of replicated on the internetz. Try again stalkers!

Personal Details:

Title: Mr

First Name: Bob

Last Name: Dylan

Date of Birth: 21/03/1299 (unfortunately need to put down 1992 because JB Hi-Fi only employed people who were born in 1940 or "19 41" or later. What's later than "19 41"? Everything?)

Email: crazybilby@gmail.com

Home Address: (It's a house, on a hill)

State: WA

Do you have a current drivers licence? No.

Do you use or have you been known by any other name or alias? Um...... not legally.

Have you ever been convicted or found guilty of a criminal offence? Not yet!

Please list hobbies and interests: Getting blind drunk, rebelling against authority, practical jokes, recreating horror films, saving kittens from trees with my super powers.

Education:

Highest level of study you have attained: Year 11

Please indicate your current study load: Pft! Ha! Study? You have to be kidding me...

Please list any relevant licences or certificates that you hold: I am currently holding a bronze swimming certificate. It isn't mine though... but I am holding onto it.

Work Preferences:

Why do you wish to work for JB Hi-Fi?: BECAUSE YOU ROCK! WOOO! YEAH! I need money... please pity me... I love you?

Are you willing to undertake a broad range of tasks as required?: Not likely...

Are you willing to work at various stores as required?: Are you willing to suck my-

Are you willing to transfer interstate: No.

What type of employment would you prefer?: Casual.

Please indicate your working availability: The way you asked that made me so libidmous... mmmm....

Work Experience:

OK I think I'll skip most of this section I don't think it applies to me...

In accordance with OH&S guidelines do you have any disability or medical condition that would affect your ability to undertake the requirements of the job you are applying for?: Well I'm not going to tell you now that you mention you're asking because of how it will affect how I do the job! Geez, try to get to know something personal that isn't relevant for once. My favourite colour is green by the way.

If you have had any previous employment, please complete detai- NO! No I um... "haven't" had any previous employment you need to know about...

Referees:

Uhhhhhh.... my hot female media teacher!

Mailing List:

Would you like to recieve information including new and special offers from JB Hi-Fi?: Only if you honestly think I gave you my real address!

Declaration:

I hereby declare that the above details are true and I am aware that any false or misleading statements made in the Employment Application could result in instant dismissal, withouot notice, should I be employed. If employed, I agree to abide by the rules, regulations, and policies of the company.

Y/N/(Oh...)

I wonder if they'll call me for an interview... I kinda did apply twice...

Job Application

The following is a text copy of the Video Ezy Employment Application Form. I have written in some answers in the hope of getting a job and want you to review my responses and give me feedback about my viability as an employee of Video Ezy. Dawg.

(There's an intro. Screw it. Also, personal information has been slightly edited/excluded for the sake of publishing on the internet.)

NAME: Once you hire me I'll trust you with this information.
D.O.B: March 21st 1299.
Gender: Other.
Address: (Edited out to stop the internet stalkers from finding me)
Suburb: (See Address)
State: Emotional.
P/Code: 696969 (No really I was FORCED to use this when signing up to an online game. It insisted that post codes weren't 4 digits long but 6... um... ok?)
Email: Crazybilby@gmail.com
Home No.: 9401 25** (there's just 100 possible combinations there internet stalkers! Have fun!)
Mobile No.: N/A

1. Availability:
Monday: 1pm to 8pm
Teusday: 1pm to 8pm
Wednesday: 1pm to 8pm
Thursday: 1pm to 8pm
Friday: 1pm to 8pm
Saturday: 10amm to 8pm
Sunday: 10am to 8pm
Comments: Going to work during the first 3 hours of my listed time as "available" on weekdays will cause me to miss out on school. I don't care though which is why I want you to give me shifts during those times.

2. Why should you be part of the Video Ezy Team?
Well technically I don't really stand out from anyone else except for in a crowd because of my hair... So I suppose I should be part of the team for the novelty experience of having a ranga in the workplace. It's entertaining for the rest of the staff and might attrack new customers wanting to see something freaky and unusual and just settle for me instead of a movie. I am also far superior to all kinds of invertebrates.

3. What sales, retail or other experience do you have that will benefit Video Ezy?
Well... none really. I once was employed for about 5 hours to count paper at Lincraft!... Individual sheets of paper. Do you think this will come in handy? I'm experienced in other things that people will enjoy but I don't think it's appropriate for a video store...

4. What is the highest level of schooling you have completed? When and where was it completed?
Well I completed Year 11 last year (2008) at Duncraig Senior Highschool. I don't know how I managed that though.

5. Are you currently studying? If yes, please provide details.
I'm studying the art of playing the piano. Is that what the question asked? I'm currently doing year 12 TEE at Duncraig Senior Highschool. I'm not doing too well but please don't tell my mother this.

6. What other completed Qualifications or Certificates do you have?
I have a swimming certificate to prove I can successfully swim 200m freestyle, 100m breaststroke and 100m backstroke! Haven't got one to say I can do CPR though so I hope no one drowns while browsing the Comedy section because that just wouldn't be funny....

7. What experience do you have with computers?
Well I downloaded this application form for one. I also use a computer for emailing. Well I'm good at using editing programs and can type pretty fast. I'm also fluent in Java script as well as Klingon.

8. What hobbies and interests do you have?
Filmmaking, film watching, writing, reading, sex.

9. What are your favourite movies and games?
Movies: The Prestige, Casablanca, Metropolis, The Pursuit of Happyness, 300, Alien, Predator, Shaun of the Dead.
Games: Croc: Legend of the Gobbos, Warcraft 3, Starcraft, Halo, Bubble Bobble, Pokemon games.

10. What are your goals for the future?
Working for Video Ezy! Yay! I also wish to obtain a drivers license, go to university, and get a job as a film director/writer.

11. What transport do you have to get you to work, particulary on nights and weekends?
My legs. Other people's legs too if they're willing to carry me. I also can use a car, bus or bicycle.

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The rest is asking for references. Well do you think I'll get the job? I hope I do... it'd be fun to work there :) I really don't like being unemployed. My money reverses are quite low and I still haven't figured out how I'm going to access that $38 in my bank account.