Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Focus International Is The Worst Company I've Ever Worked For

If you are reading this you might be a charity hoping to have them promote you, in which case: don't. Or you might be a job seeker who is being smart and googling the company before applying, in which case: find a different job. Even if you're desperate for a job I can assure you it's better if you go elsewhere. Get a proper job... one with stability. There is the third option where you're someone who actually works at the company and has decided to Google it for whatever reason, in which case: sucks to be you I guess and I'm not sorry for what I'm going to write.

Let's start from the beginning.

Why you shouldn't work there: I was an avid job searcher who desperately just needed employment. If I was not so desperate I wouldn't have sunk low to this clearly dodgy job listing with TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! It promised something like $500 a week or more! Wow! How can this opportunity be too good to be true? Easily! Commission based only! Which means you can work an entire week 7:30-5 (yes, not 9-5, but 7:30-5 or 5:30) without a single bit of pay. The job can easily cost you more money to go to than it gets you back in return! They make you an independent contractor so don't have any responsibilities towards you. There's no stability. If you don't make money (and there's every likelihood you won't) then you don't make money. No sick days. Your success is random. You only have the potential to earn $500 a week or more. There's no actual reason to believe you will... They sold it quite differently though.

I didn't know this though so I tried really hard at the job interview to get the job. I painted myself as fantastic! Turns out all I really needed to do was answer "yes" to all the questions like "can you talk to strangers?" etc. The thing I've learned in life is that the easiest jobs to get are the ones least worthwhile having... because if anyone can get them that's because they're so unpleasant that people keep leaving them and need to be easily replaced. This job entailed trying to get people to sign up to charity (charities don't use their own staff, they hire marketing companies to do it for them) through whatever aggressively sales tactics are necessary and people know that they're not going to enjoy talking to you so they avoid you at all costs. I basically volunteered my entire day to standing on a street corner or in a shopping centre for people to be rude to me. I could have spent a more productive time arguing in a Youtube comment section all day for an entire week and I probably would have made more money off it.

"You're making a difference." "Achieve your goals." "Quitters don't achieve." It was all nonsense. Catchphrases designed to fill some generic colour within the lines business speak. They were also texted to me constantly IN ALL CAPS WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS!!! AND EMOTICONS!!! It all seemed like people believed it until I actually went out onto the field and found apathetic co-workers who scoffed at me like I was some idiot new guy for repeating the motivational mantras we'd been given that had suckered me in into thinking I'd be able to do this. $500 a week was meant to be a good starting point for a trainee but I soon learned that even the experienced coworkers complained about not making sales. One of them spent half the day convincing one of their friends to come down and sign up just so they could get a comission and avoid being fired for not performing well enough. They'd spent over a week working a job where they didn't make money and had to try and cheat the system not to get fired because they didn't have another job!

"If you can find another job, get it" was what multiple coworkers told me. This was not the money making high-earning job it had been advertised as. People were miserable doing it. After a hard day's work everyone went home feeling defeated. When in the office the attitude was CHEERY AND POSITIVE! READY TO ACHIEVE! Out of the office it was escape if you can... this job won't earn you anything... and because you're an indepedent contractor on commission that's your fault. No minimum wage.

My various coworkers also displayed homophobic attitudes, poor regard for mental illness issues, and sexist attitudes were drilled into our sales tactics. From day one I did not feel like I belonged here but despite all the warning signs going off I decided that I would perservere and continue anyway. I needed a job. I also needed this job to make money because I was running out of savings so if it didn't turn around quickly I would have to quit to stop myself from losing any more.

It became apparent that this job was not improving. My coworkers encouraged me to try and pitch in front of shopping centres where we didn't have permission. We were a roaming nuisance, moving only when security or management told us off for being where we were. We camped outside train stations so people couldn't avoid us coming in/out of it. Aggressively sell, aggressively sell, aggressively sell... and illegally park to do it if need be. All for the hope that if you do well enough you get promoted to Leader, at which point you get money off other people's sales. It doesn't matter if all the underlings quit, as long as there's a fresh new supply and sales get made then the upper levels of the company still make money without leaving the room. It sounds kinda like a pyramid scheme.. It was what was keeping my gloomy coworkers around despite their lack of success (they were losing money coming to work too).

So I quit. I couldn't handle such an awful job and my finances couldn't take it either. Imagine that! A job I couldn't afford to do. Who thought of such a scam?

But the problem is it didn't end there... and this is where it gets even worse.

See, I made sales but never got paid for them. Now, there's probably a good explanation for that. I've had issues with being paid in the past so I wanted to check to see if those sales had somehow been cancelled or if there had been an issue with my details. They needed an ABN off me and I don't remember ever giving them one so maybe that was an issue? Anyway, easy fix, I assumed. It's not a big deal I just want an answer. I'll just contact them and find out...

That's when I discovered that there was no contact information available to me. The website on their business cards wasn't real and the only number I had was of one person who could only tell me to call the office and barely even responded themselves. I had no one's email addresses. I got the number for the office... which no one ever answered no matter how much I tried... Eventually I got sick of being ignored so I went into the office itself. They gave me the number of someone in their Adelaide office (which I only know exists because of a sub reddit for Adelaide where someone asks "has anyone ever heard of Focus International before?" to which someone replies "these companies are a scam, avoid it like the plague."

This sets off a three and a half month journey trying to get someone to answer my question about never getting paid. Heck, halfway through it I figured I would never get paid for all the work I did or sales I made. At that point it didn't matter. I just wanted someone to CONFIRM that. I just wanted someone to RESPOND to me like some kind of professional business person.

"Oh they're very busy. Send them a message and they'll get back to you..." is the response I always get regarding the non-existence of the accountant in the alleged Adelaide office. Busy? Busy doing what? Not their job apparently! Because they've spent months avoiding questions I have been directed to them for answers. It is impossible to get a hold of them. Their voicemail message says you've reached the voicemail of "beep". Just a beep. No name. The alleged number of the Adelaide office rings and rings until it cuts out. There's little evidence this person even exists.

The lack of business etiquette that stretches across every facet of this company is astounding. I've had more professional interactions with legitimate scammers who want to trick me into illegal money laundering scams. As someone who runs their own business I would have fired the accountant long ago. Hell, I would have fired most of the office long ago from what I saw of them. A lot of them had really poor work ethics. The company must make sales and profits sheerly on pure volume of employees they hire constantly to replace those who quit. It doesn't matter how many they hire after all as they don't need to pay any of them unless they're making the company money. Quantity far outreaches their quality.

Why have I been chasing an answer for so long with no results knowing full well these people are too incompetent to ever learn how a phone works? Because they have a system where part of your sales get taken away and put into a "bond." See, if you sales get cancelled before a certain period of them then it's a loss to the charity if they pay you for it because they haven't earned back their money on a monthy subscription. They take money out of the bond instead so you get to keep your money and the charity gets reimbursed. Makes sense. It stops you from signing people up who want to then go immediately quit it. When you quit you have to wait out the remainder of those last sales before you can collect whatever is left in that bond. The waiting period is 120 days after you quit. I swear I was told 100 days the first time I was told this but when months later I asked about it I got asked my name first before given the answer as if somehow that would affect the outcome? And the only person I'm getting a response from was that one person I had the contact details from the start, who hired me, and has no connection to the accounting side of things and therefore cannot answer any other questions. Hell, getting numbers of people to call out of him is difficult. He told me to call the office in Perth, and the office in Perth told me to call Adelaide. I'm being run in circles here and everyone claims they can't help me despite being told by a former employee that the Perth office is who I should talk to and never had to go through the same things as I did... I can't get a straight answer out of this company despite only having a simple question...

Anyway... that bond. It has been over 120 days since I quit back in the start of August so it is time to inquire about it. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist... but I'm not going to just accept that it doesn't without someone confirming for me that it doesn't. It is their responsibility to respond to questions about potential money that belongs to me. It is their job as an accountant and I am not going to be satisfied until I get them to do that job. All I want is a simple response. They could easily resolve our business together by answering one phone call and it would be done but they can't. So far I've gotten a bunch of phone calls that ring out until they can't ring anymore. I don't want to leave them alone with business unresolved and questions unanswered and I believe that I might one day get these answers...

...or they're a scam, a dodgy company with no internal structure other than the pyramid scheme design, and I am wasting my time.

Either way: don't work for them and don't hire them to promote your charity. I don't believe in rewarding lazy or incompetent people nor do I support their sales tactics. I feel less inclined to give to charity now that I know how seedy it is trying to trick people into signing up to it.

The past 4 and a half months (I only spent 3 and a half of those trying to chase up the alleged accountant and the previous month either working, or waiting in my post-quitting period to get paid) have been a wasted mix of frustration, hard work with no results, and indignation at the absolutely poor business etiquette displayed by Focus International. I've never met a worse company. I am more annoyed at how badly they've handled my simple inquiry than I am at how bad the job was. The job itself was terrible and I could have simply gone "well it sucks, but someone has to do it" and walk away and let some other fool give it a shot... but what came after really frustrated me. I've had my fair share of bad business interactions both as a freelancer and with established businesses. None of them compare to this company.

If this blog post stops just one person from signing up to them then I have done a good deed and a service to them. If there is a charity that decides against letting Focus International promote them then I will consider that a shining victory. It might just be the best service I've done for someone besides talking them out of suicide. Let's be honest I think saving a life is more important than saving someone from a bad business decision and I've saved lives before... unlike with Focus, who claims that's what you're doing but I assure you saving children's lives through charity is not what they care about at all.

So take that redditor's advice and avoid it like the plague.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

A Series of Poor Job Application Attempts



Google search: Where do I buy a job?






Go on Seek > Don't have any search criteria other than in my general location > proceed to scroll down past all the jobs searching for experienced chefs that are also registered nurses with forklift licenses and lots of experience in customer service...






dear random


like


I want the job


because I have previous experience and I am a well...


...organis...happ... good talk...


..


I have many qualities


I have... legs






*scrolls down Tumblr for ages*






I think I've been at this for an hour? I haven't applied to anything yet but I've written half an email.






Surprise! I'm here! Give me money?






Message friend: Quick. What's something good about me that's also job related?


Good at socializing.


No, something that's true.


Friendly to people you work with/customers.


No, something that's true.






""If you have good communication skills, could assist another person to develop and maintain new social networks, enjoy working with people and are a good role model in social situations-" Oh f*** I'll be unemployed forever. Ugh.






ONE JOB APPLICATION DONE! WHAT'S NEXT?






...pizza. I can make pizza. But I don't want to shave... suck it up man. Think of the camera gear you could afford if you had a job.






"Dear... you.


I like pizza."


That's relevant for my cover letter yet? Well it's not like I'm going to eat what I make so I could hate it all I care? I hated everything I made at Hungry Jacks so...






Screw it. Send. Send it all.






Time to STOP DOING THIS.






Funds low. Send job.

Monday, January 3, 2011

My job sucks. Always.

Remember that blog post where I mentioned that I had FINALLY gotten a job? Well I apologise for not blogging about it sooner guys.

Let me tell you what that job was: It was Telemarketing. Yep. I had to get up at 4:50am just so I could get ready in time to catch the numerous long public transport bus/train rides into the West of the city so I could start at 7am (because we were calling people in Melbourne who are ahead of us in timezones) and call up random strangers just to have them ignore me and tell me to go away. I got paid $18 (minimum) to do this.

I got fired after 2 days.

Woops! Ok, let me explain. You see, the thing with Telemarketing is no one wants to honestly sit there and listen to you. EVER. But to keep the job you need to sell at least 0.7 sales per hour on average (they pay you extra if you manage more). The problem with this scenario (as confirmed by the fellow experienced telemarketers there) is that it was a) close to Christmas so the smart people had decided to buy things already and everyone's spending everything on other things that they know they want or know that other people want. b) the area I had started in was apparently hard to sell in and the experienced telemarketers were complaining in their lunch break how badly they were doing c) like I explained, people don't like telemarketers and so people would hang up on me even before I had even mentioned what I was selling d) NO ONE IS HOME ON A WEEKDAY AT 11 IN THE MORNING THEY ARE ALL AT WORK.


So to describe my job as accurately as I could would be "Sitting down in a room listening to the sound of a phone ring only to get endless answering machines, and on the rare occasion that someone answers they hang up a few seconds later. Repeat this process."

By rare I mean rare. We got a sheet of 56 numbers to go through and I got bored there being barely any real people answering the phones so I marked on it whenever someone actually picked up the phone. The best average I got was 11/56, though it even got down to 2/33. I got so happy whenever someone answered. I responded in this kind of shocked joy when they did, it was like "OH HELLO!" Occasionally one of these people would be an actual business themselves, and you don't market to businesses you market to individuals so that's out of the question. Most of the people just hang up after the first 2 sentences, a few would let me get to the next paragraph before telling me they weren't interested. Rarely you'd get that gem of a customer who would sit and listen to everything I had to say. The feeling of joy when you actually finish reading your script without being hung up on (some people don't even say bye, they just hang up and leave me talking...) is so awesome, so great, making it so much more annoying when they go "sorry, I just let you talk to be polite. I'm not really interested at all. Bye." To which I reply "Have a nice day." when I really want to reply "DAMNIT TO HELL! I GET FIRED IF I DON'T SELL THINGS AND THE MORE PEOPLE I CALL THE MORE LIKELY IT IS I'LL MANAGE TO SELL SOMETHING! YOU JUST WASTED SO MUCH OF MY PRECIOUS TIME! THIS IS A NUMBERS GAME NOT A JOB WHERE IF I FAIL THAT'S OK."

Well, not at the start I didn't... but by the end (two days) I was getting slightly annoyed. So yeah, you know if you get called by a telemarketer, ask them to very briefly tell you what they're selling so you know whether or not you want to listen to them or hang up. Don't waste their time, they get fired if you do...

So yeah. I sold one thing. One thing in 10 hours. That's an average of 0.1 I got a few people interested who said they'd call back after they've thought about it, but I'll never know if I got the sell because they were arranged to call back/be called back about it the day after I got fired.

I got a call and they said "we've been monitoring your progress and you're just not selling things, sorry." and I was like "so I don't have to get up really early in the morning? Awesome, have a nice day." Then walked up to people smiling going "I just got fired!"

But don't worry guys, because I got a new job!

I deliver catalogues! Yep. Instead of having to exhaust myself trying to get up at an ungodly hour to be rejected by strangers simply on the basis of my job title and not what I was saying to them, I now have to exhaust myself folding, packing and walking around for hours on end in the hot Australian summer weather to deliver catalogues to strangers and get paid way less for it! I get paid commission per magazine and it's a very small commission. Today I swear I walked for 2-3 hours sweating in the sun while pulling along tons of catalogues and I'm half done... I feel sunburnt (I probably am, I put on sunscreen but I think I was out for so long it wore off and I'm sensitive to UV light with my redheadedness), my legs don't want to move any more.

I am going to get paid $26 for this.

AREN'T YOU GLAD YOUR JOB IS WORTHWHILE?

Or at the very least better paying.

I need a new job. My jobs are just getting worse and worse and now they don't even pay worthwhile...

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fun Night of First Times

Ever had one of those nights where like "well this is the first time I've done that..."

I had one of those on Tuesday. You ready for it? You sitting down? Good. It went a little something like this...

Lorna decided to throw a fund raising event at a pub in the city for her final year screening (for those films that her fellow film students made) so for the first time I went out to the city to a pub (I don't go out much ok?) The fund raiser was somewhat disappointing as not many people showed up... and I knew that would happen. That's OK, I found 3 people to come with me. The first one I ran into when he just managed to get into the train door just as it was closing on him. Surprise surprise it's my friend from high school, Matt, who has come back to Perth for a little while to drink with his friends who I also knew from high school. I convinced them that if they wanted to drink they should come to where I was going as otherwise we're really going to fail at this fund raising idea...

So we're at the pub and there's a local musician playing. There's people I haven't seen in ages and those I haven't seen... ever... but only one of them really matters to the story. Any way, one of the musicians was a girl with an acoustic guitar just on stage singing by herself to a crowd of 4 people (I know. Attendance was quite poor. There were more, but not all were watching) and and some point the girl next to me says something when a song finishes that the musicians responds to. Can't remember how it went or why it somehow then involved the musician inviting me on stage to play her instrument (I mentioned I played guitar).

First time I've "gate crashed" someone's live performance, taken their instrument and started playing random chords. Now I should point out that the three friends I had convinced to come along were called Matt, Lewis and Kennard. Lewis was blonde, Kennard isn't.

Well, I'm on stage with a guitar and a microphone. I start off with something nice and mellow, a little arpeggiated Am chord with a little hammer off bit on the e string (e-g) added in. (Sounds cool, do it now guitar peeps) I lean closer to the mike and go "This one goes out to Lewis.... you're so much prettier than Kennard." Then I started improvising, tried to get the musician to improvise some lyrics as Lewis and Kennard watched with unimpressed looks on their faces.

So that was the first time I then started serenading a guy on stage with a guitar.

When I got off stage to let the musician continue her set Lewis came up to me and was like "I am not wooed."

Awww...

Well the night continued, and as a joke to do with the empty stage I mentioned poetry readings and stand up. I was encouraged to do that, but didn't. Some middle aged guy from Manchestor who I thought was joking about it too decided that yeah, it's a great idea!

He took the mike and started reciting poems. Poems that he had written. Because he is a poet. At that point in time I turned to the film students and went "....who is this guy again?" and received a few shrugs. OK, random poet just... very enthusiastically and loudly reciting poems about who knows what. I couldn't really follow. I stood there occasionally commenting on it to the guy next to me. "It doesn't rhyme..." "He's using repetition... which is a convention of some poetry for emphasis." You know, the kind of remarks you make during an unexpected poetry reading a pub and you want to make it obvious that you're not really a literary analyst.

Then, mid-sentence, the poet starts yelling at me. "WILL YOU SHUT THE F*** UP!? I'M TRYING TO READ A POEM HERE AND THERE YOU ARE IN YOUR SHORTS AND YOUR CONVERSE ALL TALKING AWAY! THAT'S RUDE, I MEAN I'M FROM MANCHESTER BUT SERIOUSLY!" And then he continued talking.

So that was the first time that a poet had decided to yell at me during a poem. Afterwards he apologised and said it was all in good fun, he hugged me instead of hitting me. I pointed out that my shoes weren't actually converse...

But his poetry did actually keep going on and on... at one point he was talking about oil, slicking back your greasy hair, yeah you something something... and waving his arm in my direction and I was like "...is this poem about me? My hair is actually quite clean...."

The next one was dedicated to the sound guy, who probably hadn't had a night like this... ever...

The poet said he'd introduce me and get me on stage to do some poems/stand up (remember earlier when I was joking about all that?) and I was thinking to myself "I can't follow this... he's just so enthusiastic." The guy next to me goes "Yes, but anything you say would be better" (oh burn) But he decided "Nah, I like talking too much" and so decided not to give me any more stage time, just keep pacing back and forth saying poems. Oh well. I'd been on stage once that night.

There was a raffle at the end. There were about 6 or so prizes and quite a few people had left (including the people I had came with) so it was like "Nah, can't be bothered giving it to people who aren't here..." So they'd draw a ticket, no one had it... they'd draw another... same thing... draw another, someone would win. It was kinda bad for the people who didn't win anything seeing as their odds were really good considering the small amount of competition and the amount of redraws... but nope. I won some wine and someone else won a pizza voucher so we swapped.

I really wasn't ready for walking through Northbridge with a 1.5L bottle of wine in my hand, waiting at a train station for half an hour and then coming home on the train at nearly midnight. You just don't do that. So that wasn't a first time for me thank fully... I don't want to get arrested/beaten up/forced to drink socially with people I've never met who just so happened to have cups on their person and went "WAHEY! GUY WITH BOOZE LET'S GET HIM TO GIVE A ROUND AND TOAST TO SOMETHING YEAAAHHH!!" (It could happen, don't tell me it can't!)

And then that was also the first night I had gone out late, had a drink, yelled over the loud music until my throat was a bit sore, then come home and had less than 5 hours of sleep before my first day at a job where my job description was to talk to strangers on phones. More on that later.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Still Unemployed

Time for... A MINI-BLOG!!! (mini blog!)

(Note: mini blog may actually become not so mini and go for more than just a few paragraphs)

Well, quick update. I did NOT get the job at Video Ezy... why? Because there were other applicants. That's in effect of the reason given to me... one job position + multiple (she said "many" which could mean anything) applicants = hahaha like hell we'd pick you.

Which I COULD take it as "Well although you're a friendly film student who it getting a university level education about the only thing we sell and you have absolute availability every hour of every hour we're open thus pretty much perfect* for this job seeing as you can WALK here from your house if you wanted to... we knew from the very beginning that you had no experience so we wasted your time interviewing you because what separates you from any other applicant (besides your film student status, probably the only reason why we even bothered to acknowledge your existence) is the lack of retail experience thus it was predetermined from the beginning that you were really just backup in case everyone else fell through..."

OR...

I could take it as.... wait a moment when I think of a better spin to put on this....

"Your film student status means nothing, you simply lacked the assertiveness to really go outside the set conversational boundaries of the interview thus failed to woo us as an exceptional person who stood out from the rest." (Yes that's positive)

WHICH MEANS.... that to what I need to do to get a job NEXT time I get an interview (which happens on average a year or year and a half right?) is simply just talk more... get to know my interviewer and show them I am more than just the answers to the questions on their sheets. OK that won't guarantee anything, but I have to find some way to stand out and my resume obviously isn't it.

I don't take it personally, that's just silly. Of course it's not personal, there just are people who do better. I am actually quite glad that they took their time to actually acknowledge my existence by phoning me up originally. Very few people do that... in fact... they're actually the only people who have done that. Out of all the job interviews (all 2 and a half in my life) this one was the first one where they actually called me beforehand to arrange it. The last one on the other hand involved them emailing me on the incorrect email address and then me finding out not long beforehand because my brother also got the same interview and they called him instead. Needless to say those people maintained that level of professionalism all the way through my interaction with them.

Each failure is another thing to learn from, every few months I rewrite parts of my resume, improve, learn to shake hands and introduce myself instead of just handing things silently to people, learn how to respond to pointless questions, do lots of volunteer work to make me look like a saint (a saint that gets retail and customer service experience when working the till at St Vinny's), learn sign language so I can handle the deaf.

I just need to improve beyond adequate... I need to be more than sufficient. I shall become superb in my application and interviewing process.

I am awesome. And I will bloody prove this.

Bring it world. BRING IT ON.

...he says for the 300th time...

*(Why is the job I'm most suited for also very highly sought after? Why can't I just get that damn job?)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Trees have been Spared!

Remember that last blog post where I said I wasn't going to stop printing out endless applications and resumes (thus slowly killing trees) until I got a call back?

Well, thanks to a very special someone (you may remember them from a previous blog post where I called their current staff incompetent?) the trees have been saved because I have a job interview! (NOTE: I only meant ONE of their stores have incompetent staff... I have a job interview at the OTHER store nearby... though yes, I did apply to the one closer that has random poorly alphabetised DVD's everywhere. So it's a GOOD thing that they'd hire me! They're obviously out to find good employees of fine quality that are intelligent, funny, social team workers who have a passion for film, such as myself!)

I am so happy! Has the curse been lifted? Will I somehow ace this interview and get my dream job? (As in my dream retail job... My dream job is film maker. But you know, you got to start somewhere. Quentin Tarantino did) This is brilliant! I hope they don't ever read my blog!

I was sitting in my creative writing class when I got the call. I looked at my phone and didn't recognise the number, it wasn't on my contacts list. Suddenly I realised that unknown contact = EMPLOYER!!!

"I must take this" I said as I rushed out of class, answering the phone before I had even reached the door (much to the amusement of my classmates, who jokingly yelled out "YES MR PRESIDENT?!" as I left the room).

"Hello, it's (name) from Video Ezy, how are you?"

"YES! I mean, I'm good. How are you?"

Yeah, I literally did this while on the phone just after I had exited the classroom:



Image source:

Though admittedly not quite as enthusiastic as Lleyton Hewitt, but still. I was damn excited and I have every reason to be so! I got a job interview! Finally! After three YEARS of trying harder and harder it pays off! I handed in an application and the NEXT DAY I get a call! Thank you God, you rock dude.

So come this Wednesday I am going to rock out. Bring it on interviewer, let me wow you. Could anyone go any further for a Video Rental Store job than a Film Student? Hello, I am a FILM STUDENT! that is desperate for a job and committed enough to do it properly! There is none more suited for this job than I! I do really believe being a film student actually helped secure me this interview, and as such I utter the following sentence:

To those who think doing a Humanities subject at University will never get a person a job: Suck it.

Yeah!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Death to Trees!

Recently I decided that enough is enough. Sure, I am permanently unemployable according to past experience but if I've learnt anything from the past 3 years of constant trying it's this...

Try harder.

Resumes are propaganda and you just need to put enough of it out there before someone actually believes you are worth the job. I firmly believe that stubbornness is the best way to get things done, because persistence and resilience is really just a kind of stubbornness. Don't think I'm worth giving a job to? Well I'll try somewhere else. I'll try again in 3 months. I won't stop bugging you.



Image from: Here

So recently I have decided to apply to at least one place every single day until I get a job. It's not a "oh I've done one job application I can tick that off my list of things to do today" nonsense. No. It's a print out a dozen resumes and see how fast I can get rid of them kind of thing.

I will not stop killing off the trees until I get an interview! Want the rainforests to be preserved? Then lower the damn unemployment rate by employing me! May the end of preservation hang heavy on the guilty conscience of the local retail business not mine. I blame them entirely for my print, hand out, repeat attitude.

I walk into stores, find the manager and go "Merry Christmas!" as I hand them a resume. Sometimes I even say "Give me the gift of a job this Christmas" just to make them feel guilty for not considering it. If you need a Christmas Casual you cannot overlook me! The delightful spry adult who needs someone to interview him to know just how brilliant he can be at whatever job that you need!

I don't care if most of you employers will take one look at my long curly hair and beard and think I'm a lazy slob, I don't care if they skim read it, see no outstanding record of retail experience at age 18, I will not stop trying. Someone out there is going to stop and think "He's 18 with no proper experience... because before no one would hire him because he was 17 with no proper experience..." thus realising that it is not a deficiency on my side, but actually an unfortunate cycle of "you don't have experience thus I won't employ you" preventing me from getting experience to ACTUALLY GET EMPLOYED!

So death to the trees. I wish it hadn't come to this... but the environment must die if I am to ever hope of rising above the curse of unemployment. Sorry Environment...

Failure has only brought me to become more determined. Bring it world.

Bring it.

Friday, July 31, 2009

JB Hi-Fi Application

I seriously need a job. Do you think JB Hi-Fi will employ me if I apply like this?

Edited for purposes of replicated on the internetz. Try again stalkers!

Personal Details:
Title: Mr
First Name: Bob
Last Name: Dylan
Date of Birth: 21/03/1299 (unfortunately need to put down 1992 because JB Hi-Fi only employed people who were born in 1940 or "19 41" or later. What's later than "19 41"? Everything?)
Email: crazybilby@gmail.com
Home Address: (It's a house, on a hill)
State: WA

Do you have a current drivers licence? No.
Do you use or have you been known by any other name or alias? Um...... not legally.
Have you ever been convicted or found guilty of a criminal offence? Not yet!
Please list hobbies and interests: Getting blind drunk, rebelling against authority, practical jokes, recreating horror films, saving kittens from trees with my super powers.

Education:

Highest level of study you have attained: Year 11
Please indicate your current study load: Pft! Ha! Study? You have to be kidding me...
Please list any relevant licences or certificates that you hold: I am currently holding a bronze swimming certificate. It isn't mine though... but I am holding onto it.

Work Preferences:

Why do you wish to work for JB Hi-Fi?: BECAUSE YOU ROCK! WOOO! YEAH! I need money... please pity me... I love you?
Are you willing to undertake a broad range of tasks as required?: Not likely...
Are you willing to work at various stores as required?: Are you willing to suck my-
Are you willing to transfer interstate: No.
What type of employment would you prefer?: Casual.
Please indicate your working availability: The way you asked that made me so libidmous... mmmm....

Work Experience:

OK I think I'll skip most of this section I don't think it applies to me...

In accordance with OH&S guidelines do you have any disability or medical condition that would affect your ability to undertake the requirements of the job you are applying for?: Well I'm not going to tell you now that you mention you're asking because of how it will affect how I do the job! Geez, try to get to know something personal that isn't relevant for once. My favourite colour is green by the way.
If you have had any previous employment, please complete detai- NO! No I um... "haven't" had any previous employment you need to know about...

Referees:
Uhhhhhh.... my hot female media teacher!

Mailing List:
Would you like to recieve information including new and special offers from JB Hi-Fi?: Only if you honestly think I gave you my real address!

Declaration:
I hereby declare that the above details are true and I am aware that any false or misleading statements made in the Employment Application could result in instant dismissal, withouot notice, should I be employed. If employed, I agree to abide by the rules, regulations, and policies of the company.
Y/N/(Oh...)

I wonder if they'll call me for an interview... I kinda did apply twice...