Geese are Evil

Geese are just outright dicks. They are the dicks of the bird world. Let's face it... they are cruel and heartless beasts. They're also scary.

Seriously, just look at this goose.

It looks like it has spotted prey and is about to charge at me screeching in some kind of horrifying black speech (this is a Tolkien reference not a racial thing guys. Calm down).

Now I'm not trying to say that they're evil... but basically if birds had religion then Geese would be the personification of demons (and I suppose Swans would be Angels)...

Something majorly important about geese that I don't understand is WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE TEETH!? They're not even predatory birds and yet their bills have been serrated to have little sharp teeth like things. That's freaky and I suspect it is just a thing they do to themselves by filing down their bills so they look tougher, like a bikey getting sweet tats all over his body so people know they have a high tolerance for pain and you should back away if they glare at you. If too many people get accustomed to it they'll find new ways to modify their bodies to be more fearsome... maybe embed spikes into their wings so they can attack people just by flapping at them.

The hissing is just another way to say "f*** you, we're tough and you should fear us!" There's no reason a bird needs to hiss. That's a snake's job. Geese just enjoy instilling fear.

I went to a park by a river recently and there was a gang of 8 of them. They circled me. Literally they walked over and walked around me... and stared at me... they just... watched... waiting... so close you could reach out and touch them if you were so void of any sanity and no longer wanted a hand. Being the man that I was a grabbed onto the girl I was hanging out with and told her I was scared. I also told her that if I died fighting off geese to tell people stories of how I died, and to paint me as a hero.

But eventually after getting their fill of fear (which sustains them. Fun fact: they don't need food if they have a sufficient supply of fear to fuel them, just like Black Lanterns) they went away. WE SURVIVED! WE SURVIVED 8 WHOLE GEESE!

Turns out they use them in replacement of guard dogs in England because they're vicious. THAT'S JUST HOW EVIL THEY ARE! You can replace a Doberman with a goose. That's messed up.

If you're still not convinced that geese are messed up and evil just take a look at this:

Surely this is...

...the face of something...

 ...that wants to kill you...

...and eat ALL your babies.

Lock your doors, stay away from open rivers... and if you see a goose...

... RUN!

(photo credit goes to me. I nearly lost an arm getting you this)

The Problem with the Music Industry

I'm going to show you two videos and we will see which one involves talent and which one involves something manufactured for the sake of making money. Don't worry, neither will be Bieber (because I am not so evil as to subject you to that horror)

OK here's the first one, it's of Emily Bear:



(If the embed doesn't work or you would like to comment on her sheer awesomeness click on this link)

(Wow, that was made way more impressive by the fact that her hands are freaking TINY! Did you see how frantic her hands were when playing? I doubt she can even reach an octave with one hand she's so small... in fact I'm certain of it! I can only stretch to 9 or 10 tones and I'm an adult.)

OK here's the next one, it's of the daughter of Will Smith, Willow Smith (The official music video had embedding disabled so if you insist on seeing the actually well directed and edited music video click here):



(If the embed doesn't work or you would like to comment... click on this link)

Emily is 6, Willow is 10.

Let's discuss.

Emily is obviously an incredibly brilliant musician and composer who has been composing pieces since she was 3 years old, most of are probably harder than I can play. Willow Smith is a little girl with a song that goes "I whip my hair back and forth" again and again and again.

Now I think Will Smith is a pretty cool guy, and he actually gets his own children to star in his films which is a pretty awesome way to be a father in my opinion. Just think about it, he's a big movie star who is often incredibly busy and is away from home for long periods of time on set of a film he's making... must suck not seeing his family especially his kids... oh wait. He brings them with him! See? BRILLIANT! And they get paid in the process. Best father ever?

But I can't help but feel that his hollywood stature had a role to play in Willow's musical 'career'. She's 10, how else did she really convince a bunch of music producers that "I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth" was a good idea? Perhaps he personally didn't play a part in it any other way than simply being her father. Think about it, Willow doesn't need to get "discovered" like other children, we already know she's there and producers realise that she is connected to one of the most famous and profitable movie stars of the past 20 years, she instantly becomes marketable to a mass audience simply because she has a famous father.

I find this song incredibly (lyrically) simplistic and childishly pretentious which isn't help by it's obviously grandiose music video with a big budget. Sure, it's meant to be about self-love and assurance, to be motivational and uplifting but...

...I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth...

That really doesn't have any really deep sounding meaning to it and it comes off as self centred. It's almost constant repetition detracts from the song, it fails to be an inspiring anthem as it's just quickly spouting a nonsensical phrase. I get that she's a kid and thus can't really write very elegant or deep lyrics but then again... why should I care? (Wait a second... she DIDN'T actually write this song, an adult did. That just makes all my points about her lack of creative ability moot... but makes the person who wrote this really sad as a writer. At least it musically is interesting.)

Gifted children either are prodigies that are unbelievably brilliant or have potential that needs to be nurtured so they can grow into something better and more refined. Emily Brown is a prodigy and I am glad that she has produced 4 albums in 3 years by the age of 8 (and has won huge amounts of awards) but I am not glad that Willow has been put into the musical spotlight.

Let me explain.

Willow is a kid, who is being signed up with these record companies and pushing out some random track to make money. (SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT). I'm sure she enjoys it and that's good, but I fear that she is getting more attention than she deserves because of her relations and that this will lead to her getting screwed over. She's so young she doesn't really get how the industry works (hell, a lot of bands with adults don't get it either and they probably don't know how much THEY get screwed over until they're halfway through their contracts). She is going to become/is already a product like Bieber. A promotional tool, a play thing for producers. She's 10, she should go out and play with her friends... Michael Jackson never got a childhood and look how he ended up.

I just really don't like children in the music industry.

BUT! Oh I don't hate Willow, oh no! Like I said, she should be nurtured into something better and refined and so I hope that if she truly enjoys writing music then when she is a lot older can think of better lyrics with more substance (and actually write them herself) and she's mature enough to make sure she knows what she is doing, then she will start producing whatever hits she likes. I'm sure when she's older her music will have far more depth, be far more interesting, creative, catchy and have more emotion behind it (and perhaps she'll ACTUALLY write it... Instead of Ronald M Jackson).

Emily Bear on the other hand, although incredibly young, does not appear to be signed with a major record label. She seems cute and humble in her TV appearances, and not arrogant like she feels like she can just barge into the music world. If you also look at her appearances for performances you'll see that her schedule does not involve large touring. It's here and there, it's pretty simple. She's not heavily promoted and marketed to a bunch of children. She gets news coverage for her talent, not because she's wearing something silly on the red carpet. She isn't a media sensation with pointless Dolly and MSN articles with speculation about her private life, but still gets recognition for her talent through awards. She just writes her own music and plays it, sometimes recording it to share with people. She has great talent and I hope that when she is older she can choose to show off more and sign a label or just do whatever.

So my point: The music industry today is starting to find children to become products to sell to newer markets... this is wrong. Children should prove their worth, not be advertised as something worthy of idolisation. This blog would've worked better with Bieber as an example but I refuse to listen to his music and I was just momentarily offended by how much I disliked Willow Smith's music.

Edit: I just realised that I tried to rationalise not liking Willow while liking Emily with having to do with record labels when I didn't need to... because I also have a problem with artists not writing their own songs. So even if Emily were to be signed to a record label, she'd still be the talented and creative young miss that she is (thus her career being admirable and worthwhile) and Willow would still be the random daughter of Will Smith who sings a song she didn't write. BAM! I just ignored my own argument to come up with a better one!

/End Scene.

Otters use Tools (Scott is wrong)

Otters are pretty damn cute.

They're also pretty damn smart. What? Otters are smart? Yes. Otters are smart (I just said that). So smart that they can use tools!

What? LIES! LIES! I hear you screeching like a deranged banshee at your computer screen until your throat is coarse and bloody. Dude, seriously calm down this is just an otter... look, have a picture of one to calm you down:



LALALALALALALALANOTLISTENINGSHUTUPSHUTUPDONTCAREOTTERSCANTUSETOOLS!

(Image source)

Silence yelling Otter of stupidity! It is time to educate you, and everyone else out there that Otters can indeed use tools! Don't believe me? Well let's skip past the Wikipedia Article on it that says that they can (Because hahaha Wikipedia, since when was that reliable?) to some other random website about wildlife and stuff...

Bam!

They are the only mammals other than primates, birds and a few other animals known to use tools. They use small rocks or other objects to pry shellfish from rocks and to hammer them open.

Propaganda! Yells the yelling Otter of Stupidity (see above) thinking that such trickery is simple and easy on the interwebs!

Well, feast your eyes on:

This video demonstrating in a bit of detail the point I am trying to make!

BAM! As you can see, it grabs a rock and smashes it against the clam on its stomach to break it open so it can eat the tasty gooey insides.

Still don't believe me that they're intelligent? Well screw you! OTTERS ATTACK!!!



Yes! Yes! Tear the flesh from his bones! Attack my pretties, faster! faster!

(Image Source)

Next on Animals that are far more intelligent then you think: Squirrels. THEY CAN SOLVE PUZZLES SCOTT! THEY CAN AND THEY ARE PLOTTING OUR DOWNFALL!



(source)

My goodness is that an evil squirrel...

P.S. Shut up Scott, Otters use tools.

Medieval Vegan Socialists!

I'm apparently all 3 rolled into one now.

Yes, we all have been in that situation where you're walking past a stall and suddenly a socialist is asking you to sign a petition and you decide "SURE!". I in particular have been in that situation 3 times yesterday alone. Wait no, OK I actually got asked more than that but I had already signed the petition a few requests ago so yeah. Yeah it was O-week (orientation week) for Murdoch this week and Friday was the final day. There was meant to be lots of entertainment, live bands and lots of free stuff! Of course the "free stuff!" was really free pamphlets handed out by the people asking you to join their club/organisation/religion/company/political party. Mainly socialists. Labour was handing out paper bags with... stuff. I didn't go near them. I was too busy talking to the socialists and medieval society. I also met some vegans.

Well yeah, I get there early (9ish) because I thought I should do the same as I had for previous O-week days (which involved getting up nearly 3 hours before it starts...) and when I got there I realised that being there on time wasn't too important. Not all the free ride stuff had been set up, the band wouldn't start playing until after midday. The stalls were being set up but those lively socialists had already set up and gotten a few signatures on their petition! They stopped me and asked me to sign a petition for the legalization of Gay Marriage which I of course would sign. I swear I didn't know they were socialists until AFTER I had signed it! I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW! Oh well.

Well he handed me a free small piece of paper and then offered me a magazine... for $3 or $5. Yeah everything was free there besides what the communists were selling. There wasn't just one communist stall, there were multiple ones. I was very confused. One was supporting gay marriage, the other was very concerned with climate change and the third one just wanted me to learn about Cuba for some reason. The first two wanted my money.

Wait... what? Communists want my money! Yeah I didn't actually realise the irony of it when I first was asked for their money. I just walked off to Murdoch's Chinese styled pond and walkway thing to sit, write and draw.



Well I then later decided I was being a massive introvert and I had come here to partake in the crowd so I might aswell be somewhere near them. I approached the first communist (this was before I learnt about the OTHER ones) and asked him how he felt about the irony of using a capitilistic method to spread anti-capitalistic messages. He agreed with me and said it was a "necessary evil." I asked him how much it actually costed to produce the magazine and he said $3 but I could pay $5 to help expansion. That kinda justified it to me you know. Only asking for enough money to make back what they spent and not too focused on profit.

But in true socialist style I stood purely by their set of ideologies and didn't give them a cent.

Later I was informed the socialist parties of Australia had joined together to become one to which I replied "The communists are finally working together!"

Well you know after a while of walking around and wishing I wasn't so polite I had signed lots of things and accepted many things. Yeah if someone hands me something I just almost always instinctively take it. I pretend to care also and smile or say thankyou. But really, I just think it's rude to make the people realise that all their efforts are futile and fleeting. I'm not going to read whatever you just handed me! Though I did only sign petitions I knew what they were about. Except one... which seemed important. I had walked off to near the carpark and was looking at my phone when someone says (or at least this is what I heard) "Would you like to sign a petition to stop the deforestation of poor villages?" Well I wasn't aware that somewhere in the world someone was busy logging an entire forest which somehow was situated within a small village where only poor people lived. I wasn't aware that such an indecency was being committed against random nondescript villages! But I want there to be a stop to it! So I signed.

I didn't sign my name. But I signed it. I put down one of my friends names then told him about it afterwards. He personally is against poor people and encourages burning down the forests, or so his reply text had said. Maybe he was joking? Who knows with him... By the end I had stopped signing my name and made ones up. One of the socialists wanted me to sign something about global warming or live animal export and then they asked for emails and stuff and I didn't want to give that out to socialists so I made everything completely up. I didn't want to decline from signing it because I had approached him to ask him what he was about (once again, I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A COMMUNIST!!) and had spoken to him for too long that I thought it would be awkward to have basically agreed completely with him and then said I wouldn't support him in any way.

I also met many many other people there. Not many were interesting. Though I did get a FREE magazine from some vegans telling me that the recommended daily dietry intake of protein is a MYTH and that normal people get far too much protein than needed. Even a vegetarian diet is capable of having more than enough protein. Interesting, yes, mhm.... I still like the taste of sweet bloody murdered cow. It just tastes good OK!?

I also met some people who liked to dress up in medieval garb and fight each other! Originally you see the randoms dressed in medieval clothes and you think that's pretty geeky and feel like laughing at them. Then you walk over, they give you a pamphlet and explain what they're about and suddenly they seem awesome! Right? I mean, who DOESN'T want to dress up in armour and hit someone else with a sword? I actually decided that it'd be pretty cool but I had nothing appropriate to wear... damn. That and the times that they go being medieval and such clashes with my University time table.

Oh well. Fortunately for me, if I ever want to form a political opinion, I can become a communist. They don't really have any paticular schedule that I need to stick to, they just are. I don't really want to be a communist but I don't really believe that they're all evil. I have a problem with abuse of power not the actually idea of communism. Abuse of power is present in both systems in real world situations so the only real reason why I personally would ever support communism would be to destroy Scientology, which cannot function within a communism environment because it's based solely on the exploitation of the suggestible for the purpose of huge monetal gain and personal power. So without any money, Scientology loses it's only function and thus no longer can abuse and destroy people! Yay! See what you did America? You fought the communists and now we have the Scientologists! Was that really a fair trade? Was it? NO!

Vote for the socialist party!



I start Uni next week. I can't wait.

Multiples of 5

If you are reading this... I am dead.

And if you believed that then you're a bloody idiot! How could I type if I'm dead? (besides the obvious fact that I'm a 709 year old vampire :P Soon to be 710! That sucks I won't stop being a teenager until 2020!) No. No I am not in fact dead (although I'm dead inside... my humour is a way of compensating for the fact that there's a great big hole in my heart the shape of a tissue box....) but until the end of year 12 I might as well be... I can't wait until after year 12. I can sit at home and write my novel. My great and cool novel with destruction and immortals and things THAT DON'T SHINE IN THE SUNLIGHT! Nothing menancing looks like it's covered in glitter dammit! NOTHING! (You put glitter on Hitler and suddenly everyone thinks he's harmless and hugs him! Rar! Hug the shiny furher!) So my bad guys are going to be smart and actually menancing.

I signed up for deviantart yesterday... I can't upload anything because it won't let me... (however will I upload my emo manga fan art!?) so I've gone off and drawn absolutely nothing since this has happened! (How ironic that deviantart was the death of my drawings?) Maybe I'll become a nun... (what has that got to do with anything!?) I don't know but I just feel like I need to be doing something else. Something productive.... something that isn't homework (It COULD be the solution to this problem, after all, I am meant to do it afterall... But I'm not doing it and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I have yet to see a connection...) Maybe it's because I'm not writing a novel or haven't made a film in ages... Hmmm.

Maybe I just MISS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!? OK if you're not currently living in Perth and going to my school 5 days a week I am probably not currently talking to you that often. This sucks. Where the hell is everyone? Never ever get to talk to anyone online anymore... (you know who you are! Even though you don't actually read this blog! And those who do you also know who you are! Hello! I miss you! What happened to your phone!? Batteries? Or did you just hang up on me because I'm boring and weird?) so there's the fact that I'm swimming in a pool of crushing loneliness! (and apathy and meloncholy and melodrama and downright whingyness :P) You know, all give me attention because I'm so much more important than everyone else... you just don't understand me... (Yes I got a pamphlet about depression recently and turns out... I'm fine. GASP! OH MY GOSH!) So I'm being very cruel and mocking whining people... am I? No.

OK! Moving on. I'm going to get a bunch of those cool green laser pointers (so much better than red ones) and point them at rocks... and see if I can melt the rocks. Then get the molten rock and fling it at passing people to horribly burn and scold them.

I never said I was a nice person. (Maybe THAT'S why everyone who can run away has stopped logging on! :P Of course it makes sense now!)

I know someone who always laughs when you say the sentence "Drowning puppies and burning orphans" so you know... she's evil. More evil than me maybe? No. I'm the one burning orphans she's just the one laughing at it (Like I said I'm dead inside.) and like I've mentioned in previous posts THAT'S JUST NOT FUNNY! I am very cruel to orphans sometimes... It's terrible! I only do it to test the limitations of sadism and appreciation of dark humour in humankind (and I am disapointed in every single one of y-CHILDREN WITHOUT BALLOONS! Oh if you laughed at that -which is unlikely- then you're evil. Children like balloons... they like them a lot...) and turns out a lot of us are very very sadistic (as proven by Happy Tree Friends) We all laugh at slapstick humour (three stooges, half the gags in Happy Gilmore...) which is basically going "haha now you're in pain." and Don Hertzfeldt just takes what you think is right gets rid of it and goes "This is not right this does not make sense this is cruel. Laugh." And we do! Happy Tree Friends is the sort of thing that you laugh at but you feel bad for doing so because it's so damn EVIL! (And sometimes it just crosses the line...)

The ability to laugh is one of the greatest evils of mankind people! COME ON!

Multiples of 5. They're pretty easy to tell. Anything that ends with a 0 or 5. There. You learn something... AND IT WAS MATHS! (DUN DUN DUN!) Mwahahaha! I taught you maths! I'm more evil then you could have EVER IMAGINED! (Now to fling lava at you.)

This stopped making sense a long time ago... goodnight...

Terrorists use tickle Torture

OK! If you haven't read my previous post then who cares? It's just telling you that I didn't write anything in that post because I lost it all! And before I tell you what I think I wrote I'd just like to mention that my monitor is all screwey and once again (yes, again for those who knew already) it has lost the ability to display red... yep. The 3 primary colours of light are red, green and blue and when you take one of those away it becomes very hard to show many things properly on the screen... so now everything is a weird shade of blue... especially anything that is white it now cyan. Speaking of colours and light... I'VE FINISHED MY EXAMS! (Light is part of physics... physics exam) but I'll mention that later on because otherwise people will come to my house and hurt me (They want me to blog about a certain something) My monitor is also got a loose power cord in the back of it so if I try to fiddle around with it to solve the problem with the colour by adjusting the cords correctly the power goes out and when you keep suddenly connecting it to power then off then on again it starts to make a very unsettling crackling noise....

OK! I uh... pressed a button and everything went weird... OK! Anyhoo, enough of trying to solve my problem of the screen being nothing but weird shades of green and blue (SO MUCH BLUE!) I shall now continue to blog...

OK! Well Friday... (Let's just call it "Friday"... for that be the day that it happened on...) I woke up very early after staying up very late (Which turns out to be later than I thought because my computer's clock is an hour slow... I don't when that happened but it magically fixed itself so my computer has been messing with my head for a while now and I haven't noticed...) and so I had to go do stuff while I waited to go do other stuff... I had a plan for that entire day! And none of it went quite as I wanted it to because.... well.... it didn't. I can't plan the future perfectly merely predict it (I CAN SEE THROUGH TIME!) but yeah... first thing I needed to do (Against my will... I think I was promised money... I never got any) was to break up the massive amounts of bamboo in my backyard. You see, although we live in a 3 story mansion with an ocean view and two balconey's ect... the fact that you have several square metres of palm trees and bamboo that are over two stories tall in the way of your ocean view you kinda decide it's time to cut them down... especially when half of it is dead. Well that's simple enough! They're all on the ground now and someone (who is incredibly muscular) needs to help my poor old mother to snap these massive 3-4 metre long bamboo sticks of death into suitable sized pieces to be carried out of the backyard and onto the giant heap of rubbish accumulating on our front yard... (as is the custom here in Australia... No really I'm not lying... we have this bulk rubbish collection thing where we dump our rubbish like old furniture, broken TV's, trees we've cut up but have no where to put, fridges, small children we don't want ect and a big truck comes round, chews it up and compacts it and what happens then who knows!? I don't care! It get's rid of chairs and siblings I don't like! I used to live in a family of 22! There's only 6 of us left including my parents!) So I basically needed to be a sexy lumberjack (Hey ladies! Sorry I'm taken by the world's cutest woman and she'll kick and scream and make sad puppy faces if you take away her Mr Cuddles... yeah everyone else mocks me for that why not let the whole internet know?) and I broke up all those pieces of bamboo... some of them quite violently (I was hyper ok?) and my brother started a conversation about wanting to have a panda. We have lots of bamboo why not make the panda eat it? Well because it would run out very quickly... it be a hungry panda! So I suggested we simply feed it small children who come to trick or treat at our house (which I think I've mentioned doesn't happen anymore... the local children have realised they normally will die if they come to our house on halloween and rarely ever get candy in return...) but unfortunately those would run out quite quickly too... this is really sad... I WANT A PANDA! Panda's are cute! I'm stealing one from the zoo! Just like THIS video!:



yeah you like that... yeah... yeah you do...

It was then decided we weren't getting a panda... and then had to quickly get ready to go to a friends house.... now the great thing about this person is they live in the same suburb as me so shouldn't take long to get to!

... Now the only flaw with that is I don't know what my suburb looks like! And I'm starting to remind myself of someone I know (HELLO! Yeah I know you're reading this... I'm going to point this out to you just for the sake of you reading that one line! Now stop reading, everything that happens after this I've already told you) because they quite simply get around their own suburb either.... we're both very very sheltered.... and dysfunctional... Well anyway, this will be easy! I'll just take a different way than I did last time I went to her house because the other way involves walking a long way then turning a corner and doing a 180 and going along parallel to the way I just walked only backwards and I can't be bothered doing that! So I decided I'd go a different way, one that will cut a bunch of time off my trip which involves finding a path that cuts through these two parallel paths so I don't need to walk as much....

...What happened in reality is I went down a road, realised that it didn't go anywhere so I had to walk all the way back up it, find a different road, also went nowhere, wondered if that was actually indeed the road I wanted so I went down it again, I wandered around until I had NO IDEA where I was and kept making my way back and forth the same roads again and again thinking "OK I'm late... I know I'm late... and my legs hurt..." So yeah... I have lived in this suburb for about... 11 years and I get lost in it after 10 minutes of walking towards something I know where it is! Yeah... I'm a special one I am....

Anyhoo, I got there eventually and then after all that walking guess what we do? We go for a walk with the dog! (Who enjoys urinating.... he is an endless source of liquid... he doesn't stop peeing dammit! After one walk to the beach and back every bit of foliage we encountered no longer had a problem with the drought...) ok that is really fun! I can handle walking some more...

Now I won't tell you what happened during that walk... but everyone we encountered my friend seemed to know (except one guy who I knew...) and a few even asked if I was her boyfriend.... they also wondered if I was 13 :S WHAT!? I HAVE A BEARD! I'm nearly 6 feet tall, have a beard and biceps big enough to pick anyone who isn't obese up! How they thought I could possibly be 13-14 I don't know... but they are stupid... and no I wasn't her boyfriend but the way she was acting you could never tell! (She's a lot more comfortable around me than I am with her..... A LOT more comfortable...) and then we went home...

.... well... I carried her home... well... only a bit of the way but I did it to prove a point... I think... (And I did a very good job of picking her up and carrying her!)

anyhoo.... I wonder how personal this blog is becoming... I don't know... the evil terrorist (which we all know is keeping my hostage and forcing me to blog) told me to blog about friday (on friday) so I am blogging about friday! And speaking of being forced to blog about friday on a friday that's when I was blogging and it all went away... She got me a laptop and told me to blog... and hit me and stuff. She wanted me to blog a really big and long blog before she got back from some other room (I don't know where she went... in fact I have no idea what is actually in her house besides Gilmore Girls DVD's, Books, and a dog that watches me through the glass sliding door...) which we all know is impossible because I can only type so fast! So she hit me a bit..... which sounds pretty terrorist like but no... no this terrorist isn't just violent she has discovered something new! A NEW way to torture me!

...she tickles me....

...I don't know how she discovered I was like a big ball of "GEGGDGJGYIU*SPASM*" but I am... yes... I am a "big ball of "GEGGDGJGYIU*SPASM*" " OK? That's a technical term that is... anyhoo... yeah. One moment she's on msn talking about how gosh darn looking I am (The funny thing is I'm not lying!.... sorta! Well... she didn't really say it like that but it is interpreted as me being attractive in some way..... she... was probably joking :( I feel sad now.... she doesn't honestly think I'm that sexy!... which... is a good thing because I don't want her too :P) and the next moment I'm on the floor spasming like a fish of out water who is being tazered by a very very sadistic little kid who is screaming "BURN FISH BURN! WIGGLE AROUND SOME MORE!"

And then I died....

....nah I'm just kidding with you I didn't die... as much as I would've liked to for a while because I really DON'T like being tickled! It is one of the most absolutely awful sensations that I have ever experienced... I enjoy being electrocuted more than I enjoy being tickled and I know what it feels like to hook yourself up to the 240V main power and FEEL YOUR MUSCLES GET SHOCKED! It is INCREDIBLY unpleasant and PAINFUL being electrocuted... so remember kids... when people tell you don't put anything in the powerpoint or touch exposed wires or whatever the hell it is that might look like it'll hurt.... DON'T TOUCH IT! It's like a kick to the face.... all over your body... anyhoo... yes, uncontrollable spasms and a really really weird tingling sensation all over the body as ten very evil fingers somehow make their way past my flailing arms in my strange attempt to defend myself is not very fun at all... please never talk to me again I hate you and your dog... no! No I'm kidding! I forgive you for tickling me.... a lot... don't do it again....

Terrorists... they use tickle torture now... beware CIA agents and people in Iraq! Your guns will be useless against a very quick terrorist man and his feather duster! Once they get you on the ground and their on you there's nothing you can do but feel them touch you all over!... That sounds so very wrong... as it should be... because who honestly wants to be defending their country from terrorism when all of a sudden a crazy guy with a big beard jumps on you and goes "tickle tickle tickle! oh yes I'm going to touch your armpits with my wiggly fingers!"? That's just bizarre... no.... just no...

I also had to walk around afterwards but thankfully had a very kind offer to drive me home because it was raining :) Thankyou! If only you could've driven me around some more! I had much walking around to do later on in the day but I'm not blogging about that because who really needs to know what I do? Who really needs to know? You? NO! Stop... stalking me loyal fanbase! Grr! I hate you all! All you ever do is... is... appreciate me! And... read what I spent nearly an hour on writing and... and uh... being friendly... grr! It's so maddening and annoying how you laugh at the things I write even though I want some of them to be kinda funny! Bah! Grr! Agh... yes... I literally am making those noises as we speak! I am going "Bah grr agh".... what else do you think a big ball of "GEGGDGJGYIU*SPASM*" is going to do while blogging? I constantly go "bah grr agh" when blogging... I'm a broken record and I eat small children for breakfast...

I BLOGGED! Can I have some bread and water now please? I'm ever so hungry and thirsty....

Into the Terrorist Lair

OK children, gather round while I tell you a story! A story most... not very interesting... so I'll spice it up a little with great exaggerations, twisted retellings and even some downright massive lies thrown in for dramatic effect! (Just like politicians and used car salesmen) OK, today I was hard at work with my 3 ton load of paperwork and assignments for school when all of a sudden I recieved a phone call from the head of the terrorist group holding me hostage (and forcing me to blog as mention in previous post just below this one... scroll down if you want to read it I'm not giving you a link...) telling me that they're bored and want me to walk their dog (Yes, Terrorists want to hang out with me... Osama just last weekend asked me to play basketball... I refused on the grounds that I didn't live in the middle east and that I knew that his basketballs were really just big orange bombs in disguise... as brightly coloured balls that are easily seen from a distance) so basically I had to go because I promised and if I don't they'll just hit me and then get the small girls to cry again... Which they did! grr! I can't Blog while I'm walking your dog you know so there's no point in yelling me as I walk down the street trying not to walk off the path! Yes, terrorists (as in one... not as plural although I do like putting an S on the end of words... just to confuse people :P) have made their demands and those demands are to BLOG! (I think I may have mentioned this before) and to Blog while outside and with no computer... Unfortunately my physic abilities have no developed to this point where I can do what they demand of me...

... On the bright side I was warned the dog would bark like mad but instead just seemed to sniff my pockets and then ignore me... Damn dog won't acknowledge my existence! Acknowledge! Anyhoo, I then was led to the terrorist's lair... (where she lives... as in house... strange how it's not a cave but I guess swimming pools don't suit caves very well...) where I was then forced to look at the terrorists collection of books... (Evil satanic books on dark magic and evil magical places of learning called Hogwarts) I was then taken outside where I was attacked by the dog (I was near licked on the cheek by the viscious silent hound! Agh! It stood on my lap!) then attacked by feet... the feet then captured my feet and demanded a ransom of a thousand dollars... until I moved my feet away and gave Becca L. Blogmore an odd look... Then I met the evil overlords of the house... who smiled and said hello :P Then walked off... Oh yeah plus they own a car... one with wheels... Then a sneak attack was unleashed as I was backed into a sharp kitchen bench (A kitchen bench most definitely used to cut up the meat flesh of a thousand blogless orphans... that's what you get for not being computer literate! BBQ sauce!) then led to the couch where I was nearly smothered to death by a cushion (THAT WASN'T PURPLE! It's the purple room "because everything in the room is purple"... just like that orange curtain or those 3 white walls or that brown table or this browny green couch next to the reddish couch...) Obviously the terrorists want me to blog or die... I for one choose: Running away...

Why am I saying this? Well because quite simply I'm informing everyone about my current situation with the terrorist organisation forcing me to blog (if anyone hasn't got that this is a joke by now is really flipping stupid!) and quite simply... I have nothing to blog about! So I'm hoping this will temporarily appease the purely evil terrorist (and despicable mastermind) so they will let me get back to my homework! Come on! Please stop yelling at me to blog! I'm doing the best I can! (Breaks down and cries)

(citate! Citate! Citate! Oh citate! Cita- oh citate! CITATE! YEAH CITATE! ...Told you it would sound dirty...)

Oh yeah... plus I ate a plant... yeah we were wondering if it was edible and I ate it to find out... turns out I didn't die (or did I?) and due to that little trip the terrorist lair I am kinda behind schedule slightly with my massive amount of pre-exam homework... oh well... at least I got some exercise walking the dog (which then tried attacking me with its tongue as payment)

MY FRIEND MAKES WEIRD NOISES WHEN TALKING TO HER DOG! SHE ASKS IT FOR "KISSIES"! (Who wants me to continue to blog now!?)

Terrorists are Holding me Captive (And want me to blog about it)

Attention readers! (All... two of them...) I am being forced against my will to blog to you this evening (or morning depending on timezone.... all... two of them...) because if I don't I will make small girls cry! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, beheading and physical torture is no longer the aim of such terrorist cells as Al-quaida, Babbar Khalsa, The world tamil movement and Woolworths (I have just recently discovered that Canada has terrorist organisations! Huh!? But... it's Canada... do they... throw maple syrup at people in rebellion of free health care?) but they now employ the use of small children to basically sit at their computers yelling and crying at me to basically BLOG! and BLOG FASTER!

... I fear this is the end people... The world has come to such an utter mess that it is forcing it's fine citizens (well... just me really... no one else cares...) to BLOG! BLOG LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS! (Until we die! Oh no! Death by blogging accident!? I thought it was only the stuff of myth and legend amongst cyberspace but no... I shall be the 3rd man to die of a blogging accident!) So this is what I have done... may this relatively short blog entry save my life from more bloody annoying crying emoticons typed over and over again! (I use webmessenger! They take a long time to load ok?) Hopefully this has appeased the great terrorist leader Becca L. Blogmore... because if not she knows where I live... and can walk there within 10 minutes!

... someone hide me!

Disconnected

Smile when I...

... fudge... forgot... I had something! Something in my MIND! Smile when I giggle and show me you care when I fall down... no that's not it at all! (Yeah like I'd be thinking that....) Anyhoo, yes this is now a MINI-BLOG! But might get larger. Or not? I don't know... probably I like talking about nothing :)

... but I DO know that I HAVE THE BLUE MARKER PEN! XD HAHAHAHA! Yes, to anyone currently reading this and knows what I am talking about.... mwahahaha oh yeah, permission (in fact I order you too) to mock the previous owner of said blue marker pen and tell them that this is what they get for drawing on my face in permanent maker! (I currently have blue marks on me that haven't washed off since Monday and now I have new ones! Grr... I'll be blue all weekend!) mwahaha! My skills as a pickpocketer has saved me from a week of nonstop random marks that appear on my face in the split second it takes to wave a pen across my face without me ducking far away to avoid it. I now seem to have developed a jittery deranged sounding laugh because of this pen... it makes me crazy but I like it. Ehehehe! Now I shall draw on his face with his pen and there will be nothing he can do about it! :P

Oh yes... ehehehehe

The French Government Does my Laundry

Yeah OK if you don't get that then you need to see the movie "Sicko" by Michael Moore (It is awesome) and pretty much all I have learnt from it is that being American kills you from the inside. Yes, that's right, you die from just being an American! :P OK the French drink at young ages, smoke, eat fatty food (and according to a friend of mine who went to France for a month some of them also do drugs...) and yet they still live longer than Americans on average and we all know that smoking will kill you slowly and painfully. What I found really amusing about the movie is how it portrays the health system of other countries as purely wonderful compared to America especially France and Britain. OK if you haven't seen it he basically goes into a British hospital and asks people about their bills and how much they spent on their ailments and they just look at him and laugh! Yes, they laugh at you for asking them about spending money in a hospital. He goes around trying to find a medical bill and people just laugh and then he finds a cashiers office and he's like "aha! people do pay money!" well that's all nice and WRONG! WRONG Michael Moore! Because the man behind the counter then explained that he gave people money! Yes that's right... British hospitals give out money to people for their travel expenses... Pretty neat huh? Yeah British totally is awesome! Rock on Britain!

France is better though (cue hatemail from the dirty English pig-dog scum :P nah I love England but when I explain what happens next in the movie you'll agree with me that France is also awesome) because Michael sat down with a bunch of Americans living in France and asked them about sick leave holidays and they get 5 weeks minimum in France. Imagine that... your boss simply doesn't let you work for 5 weeks and pays you anyway! Lol you show your face in your work building and they will beat you up... then pay for your medical bills :P (nah they won't beat you up but it'd be nice to think that your boss cares enough to do that to you if you try to shorten your holiday) Then he went to some family to see how the taxes involved in making the free health care work were effecting them and they had someone employed by the government folding their laundry and cooking them meals and helping with the baby! That's right... the French government will do your laundry! (Under certain circumstances that is... I forgot why I think something to do with maternity leave... yeah that's probably it... People don't just do your work for you people so don't just go to France and expect them to do everything for you that's just stupid. Plus you Americans abolished slavery remember? Guess who's regretting it now? :P) Oh what else did the french do... oh yeah! Some doctor lived in a 1 million dollar three story house (kinda like me!... only his looked better :( and had fish...) and their list of expenses went Mortgage, holidays, food, fish... yeah when asked about what else they needed to pay for they go "um... fish?" and so then I just made jokes about how they were very unhappy because they were all a bunch of French extensionalists and life was pointless and meaningless to them... and the man attempted suicide yesterday because the fish cost too much (he decided this because the way the smoke from his fancy cigarette billowed over his expensive wine and distorted the image of the 2 by 2 metre exotic fish tank made the fish resemble a symbol for the fleeting hedonism and emptyness of his existence..... as fish normally do....)

The moral of the story is don't buy fish if you're French...

But yeah strange jokes aside, (Wine matures with age, maybe one day you will too? :P *hits drums* "Hey! Get away from my drums!" "Crud! Run!") the French and British health system is incredibly good compared to the American (as shown by this completely unbiased documentary... yes I do realise how the media manipulates things ect and was watching it with that in mind but it just looks good... and I was trying to look at ways you can manipulate things and some bits looked slightly over dramatised but it looks all right really I am becoming a fan of Michael Moore he really does seem to have an idea of what he's doing) and speaking of the American health system: it doesn't like poor people. But how does it like heroes? Good old Mike (His full name was getting tedious to write out... seriously though if you were famous and everyone you met called you by your full name you'd get annoyed right? So Michael Moore is now Mike and George Bush is now GDawg) he went and found out this. He got these people who helped out during 9/11 (I feel sad now mentioning this but don't worry things will get better. Beat those terrorists!) and didn't get anything for it and have massive health problems because of it (helping dismembered/dead people out of a collapsed burning building may cause post traumatic stress disorder... or problems with your lungs) and they can't get compensation for being at ground zero...

.. terrorists on the other hand get the best care they possibly can at Guantanamo Bay! :D (That is when they're not being brutally tortured? Yeah let's not discuss that... because quite frankly I have no idea what they do there... and I is scared of the governments... nah jj :P) Yes they have a doctor to prisoner ratio of 1:4 and so you know the guys who saved people from probably the most horrific terrorist attack on American soil get nothing and if Osama Bin Laden has a tooth ache he gets the best treatment he can. Well Michael Moore and I apparently have similar minds because he did something pretty darn funny which I would've loved to do! He gathers up these people in need of medical attention and literally takes them to Guantanamo Bay! :D He's in his little boat (has 3 of them because there's so many people) and picks up a megaphone and says to the guard tower "These are the heroes of 9/11 and we just want some medical attention... we just want the same treatment as the evil doers!" which was absolutely hilarious to me really he's just gone down to Cuba to ask a fellow American to let someone have a dentist look at their teeth...

... and a siren goes off :P

LOL! XD American doesn't like Americans but they like Asubaradabadman Afusu Guhaba666man (the most vile and hated Terrorist of all time! Look his name up on wikipedia... that name again is Asubradmandoufgfghrh24 Afulol69

So failing having Americans give Americans proper medical treatment that was affordable they went EVIL COMMUNIST CUBA! (Because Mike is PURE EVIL! He worships Fidel Castro... or should I say... INfidel Castro?... no... no I shouldn't... I don't actually dislike the guy in anyway... mainly because I don't know why I should I've never really researched to find out if he is actually a bad guy so if I ever met him I'd kindly shake his hand... unless it started glowing... WITH EVIL!) And in EVIL COMMUNIST CUBA they went to an EVIL COMMUNIST HOSPITAL and saw some EVIL COMMUNIST DOCTORS and got EVIL AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE! (They found the medication someone needed that would've cost them $200 in the states for 5 cents an inhaler... an EVIL COMMUNIST INHALER!) So yeah, walk into an EVIL COMMUNIST hospital in Cuba and they'll ask you your name and age then treat you...

... but they're still evil... oh yes definitely... *cough* I mean... why would the American government have lied to you abut how PURELY EVIL Cuba is?... and then take part of it BE American soil? Cuba is PURE EVIL!... Let's make it part of us! (Us being you not me I'm not American... nor do I want to be because as I discovered earlier than being American kills you! You just generally suck when it comes to health care... or living...) so yeah I've learn from this documentary the PURE EVIL of the EVIL COMMUNIST hospitality and kindness! (Curse you kindness! Don't make me blow the hell out of your country!) and that America just sucks...

No offence... but you do... Oh yeah plus there was something in there about Canada (Woo! Canada!) but I can't be bothered talking about it... Go watch the movie! Canada rules!

Woo!