How to Fail your Drivers Test (In Under 15 Minutes)

Dearest random reader from Slovenia, let me tell you about the epic task of getting one's driving license in Australia.

First, you pass a written test, then when you're 16 you get your Learners (Or L's) then you learn, then you take a practical test, then you drive around even more as a Learner, then you take your Hazard Perception test to get your P's (Or... What does P stand for? Who knows? Nothing probably...) then you drive around for a few years before they actually go "Yeah, after about 5 years we're going to give you a proper license." Which is actually a stupid order to things when you think about it. You see, if only they gave you the Hazard Perception Test BEFORE the Practical Test then you wouldn't fail nearly as much because you'd have to actually understand how the road works before you take your test . That way you wouldn't get cute 17 year old girls cutting me off at roundabouts... and then failing their test 5 minutes in.

Ha! An amateur mistake! Double lane roundabouts are bound to stuff up first time test takers no matter how experienced they are at driving!

...that's what happened to me the first time I failed.

Yeah, I failed my drivers test in under 15 minutes last time I tried it back in January. I called up near the end of December thinking I'd get something in February because people always say you need to book months in advance they're always booked. To my surprise I got something in the very start of January. The 3rd or something... 4th? 5th? Well they informed me that I would have to give 48 business hours before the test if I wanted to change or cancel my test which due to the large amounts of public holidays at the end of the year meant I had until.... 5pm to change. It was about 3 at the time. ".....Yeah OK."

Roundabouts... they're evil. They lurk there, waiting for you to enter them, waiting for you to screw up your indicator or not give way to the right... or just barrel straight through them even though they are curved and you need to indicate before changing lanes/you're not meant to change lanes while entering a roundabout...

..that's what I did. *Ahem*

So yes, I did what anyone who failed their drivers test did. I didn't drive for a very long time and when I did I avoided roundabouts.



(No, I am not this bad)

But then I got back on my horse and I got back to driving (which I know I can do, I am fine it's just I completely freaked and mindblanked during the test) and even got a few professional lessons and the teacher was like "OK let's do this... OK you can do that fine, let's do something else... OK you can do this fine too but (insert tiny little bit of advice). OK you don't actually need lessons... one more then book your test."

He even gave me a lesson just beforehand to make sure everything was polished and smoothed over then loaned me the car for the test. As we walk up to the licensing centre I received the weirdest analogy for taking a drivers test ever.

"Take it slow, don't rush it. It's like screwing a woman, if you take it too fast you ejaculate too soon."

....Um.................... thanks..... great thing to hear just before a drivers test.

(Because, there's nothing like a middle aged man talking about premature ejaculation to calm your nerves before a big practical test)

So today it was Take 2: Me vs The Australian Licensing Centre. BRING IT! I drove fine, I never neglected my indicating, my mirror checking, I stopped at every stop sign. Then I was easing out into the middle of an intersection, as you do, and was thinking about going, as you do when there's no oncoming traffic, but there were two people coming up to turn (each quite a bit apart) I wait for the first one, may have started edging forward and- ASSESSOR SLAMS BREAKS! Instant fail - failure to give way to traffic.

WOMAN! Can't you see I was trying to drive? Damnit to hell! I was barely moving you didn't have to hit the breaks!

On the bright side I lasted a whole probably 5 minutes longer than last time (I was still on section one of their little sheet of things to tick and comment shamefully on. I can't think of a proper name for it so let's call it "The Paper of SHAME") but still under 15 minutes.

Then later my mother, quite shocked that her perfectly competent driver of a son failed... again... was driving me around as I was handing out applications (OK I had been driving a good half of the day before my drivers test, I can only drive so much before I want to rest) was all like "What? I don't understand how did you fail your drivers test?" (she says while turning right at a traffic light) to which I reply "What you just did. I did exactly what you just did..."

Then I examined the situation and realised that traffic lights generally have give way sections when turning left and I was turning right, which means the guy coming on that I failed because of SHOULD'VE GIVEN WAY TO ME AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOT AN INSTANT FAIL! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! STUPID FOWL WOMAN THAT DRIVERS LICENSE SHOULD BE MINE!

Then I thought about it some more and realised that there is ONE (ONLY ONE) traffic light intersection in Joondalup where this almost universal rule is excepted and there is an arrow traffic light for those turning left on one side but not the other... so it MIGHT have been THAT. Yeah, I was turning right and there was no arrow. I was put in the most obscure and most difficult situation I could've been and I was caught out on a tiny tiny judgement.

Yep, the basic gist of how to Fail your Drivers Test in Under 15 Minutes is to not drive straight. Any point in time that requires you to stop and then turn is going to be your downfall. Oh yeah, that and I didn't sleep well or eat anything after breakfast and so my test, which was in the afternoon, was done while trying to stay awake. BAD IDEA! Hear me Learner drivers, the world is not straight, it is bent and it is going to eat you alive no matter what you do.

So what do you do about it?

You grab that carbon copy of The Paper of SHAME and scrunch it up (after taking note of the mistake you made last time to make sure you never make it again) and throw it in the bin. You book another damn test and you take it again as soon as you can. You know you can drive, don't get discouraged, you let your ego inflate not deflate.

Failure is something that happens naturally, success is rarely natural it needs to be forced. If someone says you failed, prove them wrong.

Spite and stubbornness. Two of the greatest motivators in the world. Next time I shall succeed, and if I don't I will just try again until I do.

I remember this one line from a movie called Little Man Tate (1991):

"A reasonable man adapts himself to the world around him. An unreasonable man expects to the world to adapt *to* him. Therefore all progress is made by unreasonable men."

That stuck with me, I don't remember any other part of the film except that line. I believe it's quite true. Problems are there for you to step on so you can reach higher, not to drag you down.

With Apologies to Jetstar

The following events started on Tuesday earlier this week. I have yet to get a response from any of the companies involved...

Well have you ever seen a truly awful ad on TV? One that just made you angry at how terrible it was, that is, the seventh time you saw it because all over times weren't memorable enough for you to even know you watched something you should be angry at? Well there's tons of bad ads out there but then there's some that are absolutely astounding in their lack of quality. Well I've had enough and I've decided not to wait until I actually become qualified to work in advertising. I'm going to write to these companies and tell them all the reasons why they did something very very bad that offended me as a viewer (not morally, just as a consumer who wishes to be thouroughly brainwashed properly before consuming things. You don't expect me do to all the work do you?) So surely nothing can go wrong right?

Well here's a bit of my "constructive criticism" I sent to Jetstar after seeing an absolutely terrible ad for a airline company:

Dear Jetstar Airlines

This letter is a response to your advertisements on TV that I saw recently. I want to tell you why it was terrible and how/why you should improve it. I was absolutely appalled by the sheer lack of effort, quality or even basic knowledge of how advertising works present in this ad. The ad I refer to consisted almost entirely of a single shade blue screen with plain informative text and a song on the background. It didn’t capture attention (except in how truly terrible it was) it looked uninteresting and fails in trying to appeal to an audience.

Surely you should know that we’re bombarded by hundreds of images, logos and advertisements but marketing is a competitive business. Only a few stick in our heads so you can see the importance of making an imprint on people’s opinions. Advertising is meant to appeal to a person’s sense of security, comfort or convenience; something your airline should supply for anyone travelling. From families going on a holiday to business men attending a conference, Jetstar can supply all your travelling needs! Your flights are affordable and your friendly well trained staff are devoted to making your customer’s journey as enjoyable and comfortable as possible. Can you see how that’s more appealing than just giving them information to read without any voice over? Your ad isn’t stimulating or memorable. You may not be personally responsible for making it but you should be in charge of deciding if an ad for you gets accepted or not to be broadcasted.

As a film student I am capable of making an advertisement far better than whoever made the ad I speak of. I’d gladly give you half a dozen suggestions for ads that would be entertaining to watch and informative but often people won’t take suggestions from people who aren’t employed by them for legal reasons, especially from game designers or song writers. If you wish to hear my ideas for ad campaigns then by all means ask, I encourage you to do so, but if not I still implore you to come up with a better advertisement. It really is so terrible it’s most likely detrimental to your image because it’s so terrible.

Remember, an ad isn’t just a number and a name on a screen telling someone how much and what company can give them whatever service they want, it’s a competition be the most interesting and appealing thing between parts of a show. You need to make the audience want your service not just know of it. If I can make an ad worthwhile talking about then surely you can too. Best of luck next time! I know you are capable of making an ad that works.

Make it funny or awe inspiring or just aesthetically pleasing. Make it good.

Well! I sent it off the next day in the morning thinking "I just wrote my first letter to a company!" so that was good. That day was looking quite hopeful!

Then I got home from wherever I was that day (I assume I was outside, after all I did need to go back inside after it all) and sat down to watch the TV. I was watching The Simpsons as I was the previous night when I had seen that terrible ad... and then there it was again. I looked closer at it this time.

Then I saw the company logo. It was "Skywest" not Jetstar. I had just sent that letter to Jetstar! Ohhh... no... and now they have my home address and name. DAMNIT! Time to send an apology letter and hope they get them at the same time.

Dear Jetstar Airlines.

I recently sent you a letter complaining about how absolutely terrible your ad campaigns are and I would like to apologise. They were actually ads for Skywest. You see that’s just how bad they were! They were so bad I didn’t even know what company they were for and so I have embarrassingly complained to the wrong people! Well I don’t know how you sort your mail and in fact, someone might read this letter before they read the other one. If that happens perhaps you could have a laugh at the embarrassing circumstances surrounding this unfortunate mix up and be entertained by my views of your competitors. In the end I do say you are capable of making a better ad, and this just proves that you can. You’re better than Skywest and you also go more places. Good on you! Sorry for that, I have sent a letter to them instead now.

Terribly sorry for any inconvenience or offence my lack of thinking has caused you.


Surely they'll take it all in good humour right? And surely this experience has taught us nothing but the importance of good advertising! Had their ad been succifiently good enough for me to not forget as soon as I had seen the ad (twice, by the way, second time I had to get someone else to tell me who the hell the ad was for even though I had payed attention. Even then I had to look it up to be sure) then I would've complained to them in the first place instead of Jetstar! Or even better, I wouldn't have to complain about how much they suck in the first place! Someone has to tell them they're wrong, and I'm as good as anyone right?

Right?