How to get Lots of Views/Traffic on your Video/Website

Have you ever wondered "how do I get lots of views on my youtube channel?" or "how do I get more hits on my channel?" Well after having had multiple youtube channels and blogs over the years and with the help of Google statistics and keyword optimisers I've discovered a few things about getting easy traffic to a website or video:

Tag it with keywords that everyone searches for... like porn... or Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber sex tape XXX might even get more views. Or something animal related.

I have a video on my youtube channel where I talk about Fanny Hill and 50 Shades of Grey (two pornographic books) and I aptly call it Book Porn. (Found: Here) That gets lots of traffic because it has porn in the title, but it doesn't have many people who watch it for more than a few seconds into it because they realise it isn't porn. Why are you looking up porn on youtube? Are you 14 years old? Porn gets taken down pretty quickly and to find it you'd probably have to search through the millions of videos trying to get easy hits by tagging themselves accordingly.

And don't just scoff at the Justin Bieber thing. I occasionally use a keyword optimiser tool to try and see what I should tag my videos on youtube. Turns out the popular ideas are irrelevant to my video and I never use them but the recurring thing I noticed was regardless of the search criteria one of the most popular results was Justin Bieber (in the millions. Wow, Bieber Fever sure does cause a lot of internet traffic). It was weird because I was searching things like "drunk" and Justin Bieber would be massively popular. Now I'm not sure how those two keywords combine, nor do I want to find out the demographic who is googling that on Youtube whatever...

I find that my blog posts that have nothing to do with porn, as long as they contain that word ONCE in passing, get more traffic. If you ever get to look at what people are Googling to arrive somewhere you'll find that it is sometime the strangest things. My favourites include "whoa dude", (who Googles that?) "bilby harry potter", (how are they related?) "why is porn so homoerotic" (YES! IT SO IS), "pokemon from hell", "networking porn" (how does that work?) and my favourite... my absolute favourite search result which not only makes no sense as a thing someone would google, but confounds and confuses me as to how it directed to my blog as I tried googling it and didn't get me my blog, is...

+save her life +she performs fellatio

...WHAT? That... save her life because she sucks dick? Why the hell are you googling that and what kind of strange situation does this pose where a woman's ability to put a dick in her mouth is the most valid reason why she shouldn't be killed/left to die? That...

So really the lesson here is to just write things in your blog, add in Justin Bieber/Porn/cute kittens/otters somewhere in there and watch the traffic role in from very confused people wondering how they got there and why they should stay...

The World is Watching Me

You know how I often joke that I don't have an audience? (Even my stalker seems to have given up, and I don't blame her but it would be nice if she did come online once in a while) Well turns out I'm wrong. You see I may only have 7 followers (none of which comment ever. Seriously guys, comments? They help me feel loved...) in 2 countries but turns out I have actually got a lot more people reading the things I say than I ever imagined...

...and they come from EVERYWHERE! (some of the less popular ones I've never even heard of!)



And that doesn't show all my randoms from India and a bunch of other places. My blog has been garnering a lot more attention than I thought! Apparently it's got 4 hits this week from Slovenia and 11 in India, 11 from Malta this month and I don't even know where that is! The good citizens of the US of A are oddly more interested with 61 hits this month.

"Wow... wow" you're saying "... that is barely anything at all " But I mean come on! Before I didn't think anyone at all was reading, that it was shut off completely from the world, but now I realise that I'm getting over 200 hits a month (or at least I did last month... you know if I got around 250 hits last month then why is my total hit count only around 700? I think it's because the Google Stats button on my blog is actually quite relatively recent and so it hasn't been measuring the hits for many months...)

So hmm... I actually thought earlier on today that it meant I'd been read over 800 times in the past 2 and a half years but I suppose I'm probably wrong. I am so much more popular than ever before... I have... an audience.

You know what that means... I'm warming up my blogging-muscles and getting ready to trim the blog-flab...

(Dramatic music for large build up)

It's time to blog.

(dun dun dun!)

Chrome Can't Spell

OK, Google Chrome (for those who don't know) is an internet browser designed by Google that has a spell check feature built into it so you know when you're spelling things wrong: a very important concern to anyone who has ever used the internet... duh.

List of words that Google Chrome should think are words but doesn't:

Google
Webbrowser
Online

.....

I decided to try and ask Google why it made a spell check program that didn't even think the name of program it was part of was even a real word (note: Google didn't invent the word Google, it's been around for quite some time...) and the program was designed solely for ONLINE WEBBROWSING yet neither of these things are accepted as real things either... but you know, when you go to Google to search for "Google website" you just get Google again... I realised that Google couldn't solve ALL my problems then and there... and I cried...

Then I realised that hidden somewhere on the edge in fine print was a link to something Google related besides Gmail and Google maps (Gmail is also not a word, neither is hotmail... but twitter is...) and found a way to ask about a technical difficulty or error when using it, and I type in my question "Why doesn't Google Chrome recognise words like GOOGLE and ONLINE?" and then to send it off to the forums to await a response I click "send".

Then everything stuffs up... no, sorry, you CAN'T ask a question, we won't let you access that page any more.

GOOGLE DOES NOT WANT TO BE QUESTIONED! GOOGLE IS EVERYTHING! DO NOT QUESTION GOOGLE!

Google's Gonna Get me Married

Remember the last post I posted? I'm Beethoven (named in reference to the episode of Community where they have a Halloween party and Abed dresses at Batman, and he says "I'm Batman" in a deep gruff voice... then he and Troy have a conversation about candy corn looking like traffic cones and how if they were to wake up as a ginger bread man they'd eat themselves, they wouldn't even question it because they look so tasty...)

Of course you do! Because you totally read this... Well, I know at least one of you does (yes, don't you feel proud that I am alluding to your existence in a blog post? You're welcome. It's a friendly thing to do, alluding to the other's existence...) so that's good.

Well, I'm talking about it because I noticed the shiny "stats" button that it gives you when you log onto the dashboard of blogger. I get to check my post views! I can check where my traffic is coming from! I can see just how unpopular I really am! But no, it actually surprised me that I do seem to get views on this thing. But one thing that entertained me greatly was that I discovered that when you type in "I want to marry beethoven" into Google (excluding the quotation marks) the first thing you get is my blog! I found that quite hilarious that I not only am the highest on a Google search, but that someone actually typed that in and clicked on my blog! "I want to marry beethoven!" "I'm beethoven" "OMG CLICK!"

So I'm wondering what other searches result in a hit from Google... hmmm...

"norway pineapple frisbee"

There. That in quotation marks does not garner any hits, so if you type it in with the quotation marks I am the only one that should pop up once I have published this. Yay!

Now I must rest.