Paranormal Activi-SHUT THE HELL UP!

Let me tell you the story of how I decided to go see Paranormal Activity 2 with a friend.

Kids from the theatre: if you're reading this I can only assume that you're so petty as to hold a grudge and are attempting to stalk me? Kindly move on. I know I did like... hours ago. It was so minor a conflict, learn to let things go.

Back to the story:

"Hey, come see this movie with me!"
"...OK sure."

We bought tickets to the film! Everyone waved and called out to my friend because apparently every 14/15 year old there (which was over 90% of the audience...) knew her and went to her school. Good for them. I sure hope they don't think I'm dating her...

We walk into the theatre. As the previews roll, someone gets out their green laser pointer...

Oh. Good.

Well you know normally there's that little bit of chatter during the previews and no one minds because you know it's just trailers and ads and then when the film is about to start there's a hushed shh? Well that didn't happen. People just got LOUDER as the film started.

The green laser pointer went away pretty quickly into the film so that was good.

But everyone was just so juvenile, immature and obnoxious. I should have asked for my money back.

The idea behind the Paranormal Activity films is to immerse you in silence... it builds the tension and suspense up by having pointless seeming shots that are incredibly inactive for long periods of time. There's barely any sound and no music to build mood or even give a beat. You sit... and wait... and then even simple things become freaky. Then big things become HUGE and creepy as all hell. It's simple, it's creepy, if it's watched during the day or with noise in the background the film is outright ruined.

So imagine my frustration when there's not just one or two noisy movie goers but an ENTIRE CROWD! They laughed and joked and yelled out things during the film almost constantly. If something scary was about to happen someone had to break the tension with noise. If something scary just happened they had to ruin it by laughing at those who were scared. I only got two scares out of the film when there should've been more. Though apparently it gets better later on so that sucks that I left early...

"I'll give you $5 if you punch that guy who is talking over there..."
"The one in the middle? Sure."

I went a few seats forward and sat there waiting for him to talk... the guy next to him did first so I slapped him in the back of the head and ran back to my seat. I nearly ran into someone returning. It was amusing but then I realised that they were very angry and were talking, pointing at me and looking back and I thought "oh... great... they're going to hit me as soon as I walk out..."

You know I wasn't really scared that they'd severely hurt me, they were 15... (which I learnt soon after when my friend goes "that guy next to him goes to my school... don't worry they're all 15") but I like to avoid conflict if I can. Sure, slapping someone seems to invite it but I wanted to move to a part of the theatre where they couldn't just turn their heads and see me.

But the film itself. That was interesting. It unfortunately (to its demise) at times added in a little bit of humour which just put the audience off for what would happen next... which wasn't a bang or a crash but words and revelations that should've been more shocking but weren't. Though some of the scares were so huge that not even the audiences poor manners made boring. One was big and sudden and garnered a reaction I have never experienced before in a movie theatre. You know in the trailers for Paranormal Activity they show you the audience screaming (because they can't show much footage from the film because it's not that interesting trailer-wise)? Well that didn't happen for the first film but in the 2nd one it did when I was there. All the girls were SCREAMING and other people were pretending to scream to mock them and then everyone else was laughing at those who were screaming instead of just jumping and so you've got screaming and laughing at the same time... accompanied by CLAPPING. Yes, apparently the scare was SO GOOD that people decided to applaud it. Bravo film, bravo! I have never been in an audience that has applauded a film half-way through...

There was another scare. The difference between the first film and the second is the second has a lot more camera angles. It's mainly security footage interspersed with a character picking up a camera occasionally so you get different shots. There was one bit that just had the female part of the audience screeching their heads off, it was actually quite brilliant and the highlight of the film (that I stuck around to watch) and the thing was there was the initial shock of it all so lots of people screamed but then it cut to a new angle (because the character was moving, I won't tell you why or where) and the screams would start again and it cut again and then more screaming and it just didn't die down. The woman runs somewhere and BAM! Another shock scare followed by a cut and more screaming and screaming and screaming. It was good, that bit made me jump and got my heart racing. I didn't scream, I don't do that.

But as always, the other half of the audience decided that this was the opportune moment to KEEP TALKING AND LAUGHING. Seriously the film actually had a really interesting part, LET ME WATCH IT WITH THE SCREAMS OF FEAR OF LITTLE GIRLS INTENDED!

Convinced that this audience would not get any less annoying and that the film was ruined I did what I've never done before...

...walk out. Never been so utterly annoyed/bored because I can't engage in a film that I walked out. That's just how bad it was. I wasn't the one who suggested it btw, it was my friend who was like "let's go" so I just agreed. Terrible circumstances.

The problem was that the kid I slapped walked out with me... along with 5 of his friends.

Oh no. Children...

I ignored them until they tapped me on the shoulder and it would've been rude to ignore them. They were instantly trying to intimidate me with their back up and swear words. Whatever guys. I found the one that I hit and explained "I'm sorry but everyone was talking and I was very annoyed, I couldn't enjoy the film because of the noise so I took my anger out on you because you talked. I apologise." So I explained that it wasn't personal.

They didn't accept the apology.

"We're going to bomb you!" - I could tell from the context that "bomb" meant "beat". Kids these days with their slang... what?

Insert more swear words, angry looks and such. You know where someone moves their head quickly towards someone's face to get them to flinch so they look tougher? He did that really close to my face really quickly. I didn't even flinch because it was just bizarre and pathetic not scary... he's a kid moving his face UP towards mine not DOWN at me... I apologised again, they didn't like it and I was like "Can't you take an apology?" and they said "No." (More of the same rar rar we're intimidating you because you're a c*** p**** get the f*** away because blah blah blah bomb blah blah) You know they said my slap was unimpressive and weak (it was meant to be weak, I didn't want to physically harm you dude I just wanted you and every one else to shut up) and I apologised thoroughly, what more does one want really? Leave me alone.

They told me to walk away or more threatening things will occur and you know I didn't want to look submissive but hey I had said everything I could, the conversation wasn't going anywhere and I just wanted the conflict resolved so I left as they wished. They went back to whatever and my friend and I had a good laugh about it afterwards along with the less impressive parts of the film. You see that's what you do, you laugh about things and be loud AFTER the film not DURING it when people are trying to enjoy it!

I don't want to pay more money to see the end of that film... so I'm not going to.

This just in! One of the "posse" just tried to add me on Facebook. Dude, what? You had to go through the trouble of finding me online? Let. It. Go.

They're now talking on my friends wall laughing about me laughing about how I "ran away" and how funny it was when that guy tried to headbutt me... Oh so that's what that was. It didn't make contact. We laughed about it too, apparently all involved thought it was funny. My friend thought he was about to kiss me. I'm not going to continue that thought with jokes about him or his look or that would be mean and I don't want to be mean to these kids... they're just kids. I slapped one, I probably shouldn't have (there were others much more deserving of a slap, that and I now know that violence really isn't an effective communication tool... though they were quieter after I had hit them, it's probably because they were plotting against me instead of understanding that I wanted them - along with EVERYONE ELSE - to be quieter) and then I apologised multiple times. There doesn't need to be any more conflict and I certainly don't want to encourage that... especially not with troubled kids.

So I'm going to ignore them now and let them talk themselves up as so high and mighty amongst themselves, exaggerate the story perhaps a little about me "running in fear" (I actually left because my friend was so annoyed at everyone talking that she was too bored to watch the rest of the film so she decided to leave and I just followed...) and whatever. Eventually they'll move past it and hopefully I'll never run into them again...

Or... oh no! More words! More harsh crude words!

I don't care too much for the opinions of my peers let alone the scorn of children...

Goodnight and remember, please turn your phone off during the duration of the film and be silent out of courtesy for other patrons. Thank you.

Generation of Fug

Have you seen the latest generation of Pokemon!? I'm looking through them as we speak and one thing has jumped out at me...

...they're fugly.

Man, kids these days... Kids these days aren't even as old as the franchises they follow! Hell, I actually am younger than some of the most famous children's franchises that are still around today... TMNT for one (yes, it's from the 80's! ) Transformers is another. I'm not really a big follower of either (though I do love those mutant turtles... fond memories as a kid watching them). Pokemon on the other hand consistently makes me feel like a kid again as I keep going back to it to play the game again or check when the next movie comes out (I haven't seen past movie 4... so going "wow #13 came out in Japan a while ago!" doesn't really excite me that much). I am older than it! Yay? I remember as a little kid turning on the TV to see this bizarre yellow mouse electrocuting a 10 year old boy repeatedly and thought that it was worth watching. You know as far as pilots for children's TV shows go, forced animal fights and child abuse is pretty interesting and will definitely get you an audience of some kind, even if part of it is concerned parents going "You shouldn't be watching this!"

My mother doesn't like Pokemon... she thinks it's pointless.

She's wrong! No!

But back to the point: The new pokemon are ugly. Some of them are no longer animals, they're just... things. Stupid pointless things.

One of them right, is a blob of icecream... it evolves into an icecream cone... which then evolves into... a double icecream cone! My goodness!



Damn it's ugly. I'd much rather eat it than catch/train it. Can you imagine that? Go Baibanira! (It's called that in Japanese) The opponent used Sunny Day! Baibanira melted... you lost the match. But yeah, if you're hungry or your pokemon is hungry, just take it out of it's pokeball and start to lick it. Lick it good. At first it thinks you're giving it affection in a bizarre way, but no, it soon realises the horror that awaits it... it starts to struggle, starts to scream it's name as it's mind wraps around the concept that you are going to kill and devour it slowly. It knows it can't escape and it accepts it's fate as you murder it in cold blood....

... right in front of a staring child...

Mwahahahahaha!

A lot of Pokemon also seem to just be the same as old ones only slightly different. For example: Here's the less threatening/interesting version of the already ugly Carvanha.



Whyyy? It doesn't even do anything! It doesn't evolve it just sits there being ugly! Not even Dark type Ugly, just... a fish with serious need of some glasses.

You know as far as eating your Pokemon go, this next one you probably would. It's basically a moogle... only turned into a shroom.



Actually, this one isn't that ugly... it's kinda cute. I don't know why I had a problem with this one earlier it's actually all right... besides the fact that it is obviously a pokeball turned into a mushroom with a pig nose. Previous generations have had hideous pokemon too. Generation 1 had Mr Mime, Gen 2 had Dunsparce, Gen 3 had Huntail, Ludicolo, Shelgon, Hariyama and so on, Gen 4 had Purguly, Probapass, Mamoswine, Bidoof, Budew, Amipom, Buizel... OK the list goes on and on... And my LEAST favourite... CARNIVINE!



IT'S SO HIDEOUS! I was repulsed when I first encountered it, I didn't want to catch it I wanted to set it on fire until it died. What is it!? Why does it look like a poorly made muppet!?

WHYYYYYY!!!!????

So yeah, I see the trend here in Pokemon is that they will get increasingly ugly. I fear to see Gen 6 when they one day develop that. Hunchback versions of old pokemon everywhere! Pokemon that resemble squabbling inbred rats mixed with birds that did it with trees, pokemon that start to resemble machines instead of animals. A sad clown with only half a face and a tail, a monkey that lives underwater and resembles a half goat with insomnia. Nothing is too bizarre for Pokemon! Hell, they took Tauros and gave him a freaking affro:



WHY!? WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU!?

Well, all in all... I still cannot wait to play Black and White :) Come on, get released in Australia! Woo! Apparently no Pokemon from prior generations appear in the Ishuu region itself which sucks a lot... for most things... but on the bright side: NO ZUBATS! I hate caves because of them. You just keep running into so many Zubats! They're not even worth the experience they give you for killing them!

All images are the official artwork of the talented Ken Sugimori.