Glasses

Lorna got glasses! And she looks absolutely amasing in them. She's hot. She's really hot. It gives her this really sexy cute little nerd look which I find appealing.

I want to go to a library with her... and read books.... about dirty things.

After she showed me her glasses we totally went back to my house, sat on the couch and played video games (if you know what I mean!) And by that I mean we played Timesplitters 2 and she got shot several times by monkies. She got the award for "Most Cowardly" and "Pathetic Shot".

I said she looked like a sexy nerd I never said she was one...

Am I the only one who has ever wondered "Hey, I wonder if I can remover her glasses with my teeth"?

P.S. I'd learn the dewey decimal for her... :P

JB Hi-Fi Application

I seriously need a job. Do you think JB Hi-Fi will employ me if I apply like this?

Edited for purposes of replicated on the internetz. Try again stalkers!

Personal Details:

Title: Mr

First Name: Bob

Last Name: Dylan

Date of Birth: 21/03/1299 (unfortunately need to put down 1992 because JB Hi-Fi only employed people who were born in 1940 or "19 41" or later. What's later than "19 41"? Everything?)

Email: crazybilby@gmail.com

Home Address: (It's a house, on a hill)

State: WA

Do you have a current drivers licence? No.

Do you use or have you been known by any other name or alias? Um...... not legally.

Have you ever been convicted or found guilty of a criminal offence? Not yet!

Please list hobbies and interests: Getting blind drunk, rebelling against authority, practical jokes, recreating horror films, saving kittens from trees with my super powers.

Education:

Highest level of study you have attained: Year 11

Please indicate your current study load: Pft! Ha! Study? You have to be kidding me...

Please list any relevant licences or certificates that you hold: I am currently holding a bronze swimming certificate. It isn't mine though... but I am holding onto it.

Work Preferences:

Why do you wish to work for JB Hi-Fi?: BECAUSE YOU ROCK! WOOO! YEAH! I need money... please pity me... I love you?

Are you willing to undertake a broad range of tasks as required?: Not likely...

Are you willing to work at various stores as required?: Are you willing to suck my-

Are you willing to transfer interstate: No.

What type of employment would you prefer?: Casual.

Please indicate your working availability: The way you asked that made me so libidmous... mmmm....

Work Experience:

OK I think I'll skip most of this section I don't think it applies to me...

In accordance with OH&S guidelines do you have any disability or medical condition that would affect your ability to undertake the requirements of the job you are applying for?: Well I'm not going to tell you now that you mention you're asking because of how it will affect how I do the job! Geez, try to get to know something personal that isn't relevant for once. My favourite colour is green by the way.

If you have had any previous employment, please complete detai- NO! No I um... "haven't" had any previous employment you need to know about...

Referees:

Uhhhhhh.... my hot female media teacher!

Mailing List:

Would you like to recieve information including new and special offers from JB Hi-Fi?: Only if you honestly think I gave you my real address!

Declaration:

I hereby declare that the above details are true and I am aware that any false or misleading statements made in the Employment Application could result in instant dismissal, withouot notice, should I be employed. If employed, I agree to abide by the rules, regulations, and policies of the company.

Y/N/(Oh...)

I wonder if they'll call me for an interview... I kinda did apply twice...

Cold

Many things in this world are cold. One of them is ice!

Captain Obvious FTW. I've recently got twitter and my favourite person by far that I'm following is Captain Obvious. He says obvious things for humourus effect!

I currently have a cold. It's quite unfair that I would get sick during the school holidays... Except for the fact that school is tomorrow and therefore I'll probably still be sick! Which I guess is a slight bonus for not being able to breath through my nose and being sniffly all the time.

In the meantime I will pass out... and die.

Suddenly: A wild grue appears and eats me. The end.

Employment

Well, in the post before last I mentioned that I had gotten a job at the place that my sister was having her 21st. This was true. OK! Origin story time! (Super awesome special explaining blog GO!) Let me tell you about my FIRST DAY AT WORK!

Well the story starts with my mother making plans for my sisters 21st. She then discovers that the owner of the establishment (Tony) is looking for workers. So my brother and I decide to go trailing off over the dunes and past the park to said establishment to barge into the door and say "Hey.... uhhh..... do you want workers?" to which he replied "Yes." There was some more talking about how beneficial being employed is on his end. He basically just seemed to be trying to sell the job to us instead of us trying to convince him we would be the best candidates. Well, my brother started in a week, I had to come back after my exams before he'd give me a day of the week to work. After 5 hours at the resturaunt my brother quits... well he's just whingy and doesn't like doing anything even at home, not really any reflection on the establishment surely...

Anyhoo he had three things for me to do: Shave, tie back my hair, and show up being enthusiastic and energetic.

Well after walking around Curtin University all day with nothing to eat since that apple in the morning that I had to eat on the way to school in the hopes of arriving an hour earlier than normal to catch the school bus to said Uni... and having to sit through 5 lectures (which are surprisingly tiring...) I wasn't the most energetic of people.

Well it was a Thursday afternoon when I started working... I realised that I suck at trying to tie aprons up behind my back and began to learn what to do and how from the two foreign owners. One is from some country beginning with S... the other from Malaysia or Thailand. Neither of them speak English as a first language and it shows... which makes me wonder if they talk to each other in English or do they both know three languages? I may never know.... and have stopped caring.

I spent the next 4 hours washing dishes, preparing little salad things and feeling that if I had any questions I should definitely ask the foreign asian lady (Tony's wife) instead of Tony because she wasn't angry and intimidating... she was impossible to understand besides a few words and a hand signal but she was friendly. Friendly people are my friends. Halfway through I realise why my brother quit. It just wasn't fun and it wasn't the job for me or him.

Well it was a great thing that Tony agreed with those thoughts!

Oh yeah... did I mention? I got freaking fired after 4 hours! You think that's sad, I was originally meant to be there for 5 hours instead. Yeah... there weren't many people so he decided my help wasn't needed nor helpful at all and decided that I could go home early... and not come back... ever... unless I wanted to pay him. (Tough chance! I got your money and I'm not giving it back! Instead, I went out and bought a 14 year old video game called Starcraft!! And it's so awesome I never want to leave the computer... but I must.) Yeah, I got fired... bringing the total amount of time I have been employed in my (710 year) life to a whole 9 hours! The sad thing is he gave me money in notes and said that he had paid me $2 extra... yeah... 4 hours of work and then $2 pity money...

This is (roughly) what he said: You are intelligent, but you are no good. I am a 60 year old man and I can work faster than you, you know? It is no point in me employing you if I can do the same job a lot faster. Watching you is like watching a snail, you make me tired when I watch you. Look at Stacey (random I was working "with") she moves around very fast which is good. You lack initiative. My skills and your skills combined are no good, they do not work out. You should apply for Hungry Jacks or McDonalds instead....

....well guess what? I have applied for BOTH those places and even THEY didn't want me working there! Can I get any more epic failure!? I applied to Hungry Jacks once when my friend TTTSNB told me that they were desperate for workers and would pretty much hire anyone! And I lit up and thought "Oh! That's me!" and rushed off to go fill in an application and think to myself "I can get a job no problem!"... a week later he informs me that they found just those anyone's they were looking for... three asian girls who didn't speak English very well....

I was beaten by people who don't speak English! How does that work!? They kept getting orders wrong! But... but... I have certificates and medals in being smart!

Well it wasn't as bad as the McDonald's interview that went something along the lines of "uuhhh.... ummm.... I... don't know...." (that was me saying that, not the interviewer. It's not like I asked them the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow)

So yeah... I'm currently still unemployed... and still have that $38 in my bank account I've never bothered to try and access... yay...

Birthday Gift Suggestions

The following is an email I sent to my friends who had requested a list of things to get me for my birthday (which was months and months ago. Man, I sure hope I get some of these gifts soon...) and I thought I'd share it with you today because it's very special to me. I hold this list close to my heart at all times hoping that one day it will be complete.... no one loves me enough to let me achieve this dream though.

Read. Now.

#1 Electric Guitar
#2 A cute kitten
#3 A really REALLY cute kitten
#4 A monkey
#5 An even bigger monkey
#6 A turtle
(OK you can guess where my mind is...)
#7 A tree... fully grown. Nothing that can fit in a pot. seriously, get me a redwood that towers above my house...
#8 Any book by Tom Holt or Terry Pratchett (I don't care I only own one "Guards Guards!")
#9 Any CD by Tool
#10 A old-fashioned pocketwatch
#11 A brick!
(OK you're probably thinking this list of things isn't serious.. I don't know why you would think this I honestly would enjoy you getting me a brick/monkey/turtle/giant tree/book.... that'd be awesome!)
#12 Any of the following Apocalyptica albums: Cult, Plays Metallica by four Cellos and their self-titled Apocalyptica

Failing any of these things then some money is fine.... failing money then a card is fine.... failing a card then a hug is fine... if u do not have any arms and therefore cannot hug me then licking my face passionately like a dog is fine... (lets hope u have arms) failing that then you are in dire need of urgent medical attention because ur arms and tongue have somehow been cut off between now and saturday and u probably should not be attending my party because of the severe injuries u have sustained... i shall send u a get well card as soon as i can. If you are not suffering from a life threatening injury/illness/psychological disorder then i'll see u on saturday (hopefully) and ur presence can be my present! because i really took a long time trying to think of that (VERY SERIOUS AND REALISTIC) list of 12 things for u to somehow magically purchase me with money I didn't know u had... and so I really don't mind if u don't get anything on that list at all... all i really expect is for u to wear clothes.... (Aren't you so glad that the fact that you showed up was a gift enough for me to be happy?) yay! having guests at a party will be fun*... feel free to wear whatever clothes u wish hey they can even be proper clothes instead of pyjamas if u really want them to be i don't mind it's a party! let's dress sensibly! woo!


I got two bricks for my birthday. It was a good day.

*It sure will be.

Exams Ended With a Giant Cookie

Well actually is was a biscuit... I don't know the difference but it was most definitely a biscuit. The recipe said so. Anyhoo...

Exams ended... a little while ago I just forgot to actually mention it or blog. I've been doing things like sleeping and playing video games (Woo! I love MS DOS! Yeah, damn straight I'm living in the early 90's...) and other activities that basically involve avoiding my text books and schoolwork as much as possible because it is most definitely evil. Yeah I only have a limited amount of time left in the year but I just had 5 exams over two weeks I deserve a break from study and homework!

Well should I tell you all the silly answers I put in my exams or should I just talk about my giant biscuit instead? (The biscuit story involves jelly!) Well OK let's hold a vote! All in favour of the biscuit story first say "AI!" VERY LOUDLY! OK, and those against also say "NAY!" VERY LOUDLY! OK, now if you did either of those things you're weird. (And not too bright because you see, I can't actually here you can I now? No. No I can't...) Thanks for that...

Exams! (Ha people who said "AI!" HA!) Well unfortunately I decided that due to time constraints and this actually being a very important time, it being my last year of highschool and all, that silly answers made of drivvle would probably not be welcome. I should probably avoid putting random c*** in something worth %60 of the semesters marks for that subject. Nethertheless! (that is just one word right? Instead of... three?) I did do a few deliberately silly things... some of which were actually interesting. Some weren't. I'm going to tell you them anyway. (Along with other things that I'm sure you're completely fascinated by! Ahahaha I'll make you work for your cookie story! And don't worry, it gets more interesting as it goes!)

Chemistry:

Only two this year I'm afraid. I did half a page of working on an 8 mark (that's pretty big for a question) question... then turned the page.... and saw that I had an entire other page to work this problem out.... oh... hmm... normally you're meant to fill the space given. Oh....

Solution: Write "This page has been intentionally left blank".

I got that one completely correct :)

Another one I also got completely correct was about corrosion. "Why do people hang a bar of magnesium in aluminium water tanks?" (I think it was aluminium... that or iron. It doesn't really matter what it was made out of really...) Well I didn't know they did that... but the answer is obivoulsy to do with it being a sacrificial anode (I think anode) and therefore corroding before the tank itself!...

...it's also tasty. Yes. I said that it was also tasty. Well, who doesn't enjoy the taste of magnesium ions an aqueous solution!? I know I do! You're just weird if you don't!

Physics:

Well let me start by saying that nearly every single test I've had in physics I've decided to put my name on the test differently every time. I've given myself a knighthood, PhD, Dukehood (that's also a word right?), put various things like II, IV, "of the funk", etc (It's been a grand tradition from Bilby I onwards to be a total twat when it comes to physics tests) and even said I've been giving the british chivalry honour of "Order of the Bath" (Yeah you better believe it!).

That introduction had nothing to do with my exams. I just felt like saying it. I discontinued that for my exam. But one question involved asking if an electric generator of some kind was AC or DC and something to do with a slip ring. I also had to explain my answer. My answer was "DC. I don't know why, I'm just guessing. I have no idea what a slip ring is. But there's a question later on with a picture of a similar generator with a similar looking thing on it and the motor is DC."

I got that one wrong strangely enough...

Then at the end of the exam I had finished with 40 minutes to spare and so drew some fireworks on the last page with the caption "Yay! The end! Thank you for marking :)" My marker was actually quite kind and generous so I'm happy. The exam was out of 200 because you see when there's 200 marks you don't get half marks because half a mark is one mark because one mark is half percent. So giving a half mark is giving a quarter of a percent which doesn't make sense really... Guess how many half marks my marker gave me? A lot. And guess what other miraculousy stupid things happened? I look at page 26 and see that the questions are worth 3 marks, 3 marks, 2 marks, 2 marks... I got 4 marks, 4 marks, 3 marks, 3 marks, for those questions respectively. I was quite happy about that! (even though it was just an error they made beforehand so the questions actually were worth 4, 4, 3, 3 but I mean... I didn't know that instantly so I was very pleased for a while.) Another question had two parts. It was about tension and forces at two points (which involves two different formulas) only problem was when I answered it I had gotten then two formulas the wrong way round... this was noted on the paper by my marker. One question got half of the total marks and the other part I got a big black cross........... and full marks for the question as well. Wait, what? Full marks and a big black CROSS for the same question!? Is it my birthday? He also gave me marks on some question while also leaving a comment saying "A bit vague. I think I understand what you're saying..." Oh good! I don't even have to speak in comprehensible sentences and I still get marked well! Awesome!

My other markers weren't so kind. %61 for Physics was my highest...

Applicable Maths:

There was one involving triangles (agh! the dreaded triangle!) and matrices and graphing points on a... well... graph really. (wow... just... wow...) It involved transforming the triangle from one point to another to another one again... so it rotates 90 degrees clockwise, then it rotated 90 degrees anticlockwise (well actually it didn't. I got it wrong you see... as I generally do with math questions. Although the most miraculous thing happened! I passed! Not only did I pass but it was my second best subject! That's partially exhilirating because it's awesome and kinda depressing because I failed both my math exams last year so I kinda view it as my weakest subject.... hm...) The question asked me to describe a single transformation for the original triangle to the third triangle (talk about what happened minus the middle bit basically. Yeah, all that technical math jargon hurts my mind too.) so according to my graph the triangle had just gone back to where it was originally... so I just wrote "Stay. Chill triangle chill, relax. Don't do anything. Just stay there."

Of course that was completely wrong... but I'm glad that my triangle was very content with its position and didn't feel the stressful need to transform and move places like other people's triangles. Mine was more relaxed so it'll probably have a longer life span. I helped a triangle live longer and I passed my exam :) Wonderful!

English Literature:

Two words. "Blonde Joke." A few more words: "Essay on sexism, feminism, and context from a western culture perspective." Yes. Yes I did dare to put a blonde joke in an essay about feminism.... that's worth reading all the stuff above it alone. Yeah. Told you it got better...

"I have grown up in a western society where we have been raised to believe that women are equal to men and are not inferior, except for blondes, in skill or intelligence...." Well you know if you're trying to argue that your interpretation of a book about feminism is straightforward and you put in a blonde joke you're bound to get a comment.... and I did! :D Yay! It said "Your markers may be blonde in the future." I think there was something else but the basic idea was a very firm "No."

I am uncertain to my mark on that essay. My average for the three I wrote was %56 though.

Drama:

Speaking of very firm (well um... you know I wouldn't actually know about this but you know I just assume.... ahem.... *awkward seat shuffle* yeah read on to know what I'm talking about.) onto my drama exam! Well if we were going to list all my stupid answers then we might aswell recount my entire exam then! Yeah, worst failure of ALL TIME! I don't want to talk about how badly I did... but I will mention a partial reason that contributed to my failure. (Well, that and my complete lack of study, preparation, or thought.)

The teachers overseeing the examination! They're my source of failure! Why? Well because of the way they look of course...

Well I have 6 subjects. Media being the 6th and it also being the one subject that doesn't involve an exam... so I wouldn't be able to see my media teacher for a whole 2 weeks if it weren't for the fact that she came in for a while to watch over all 8 of us drama kids (and a single economics person! Don't forget him... the loner...) to make sure none of us cheated on our exams (like me) and asked someone next to us "For the love of God just tell me what the hell I'm meant to write here!!!" Well to be honest I like my media teacher. She's really cool! (Oh and just so you know her son is my age and goes to the school. So that'll explain something later on.)

... and she's also hot...

.... hey well excuse me for liking older women OK? She is! She looks absolutely superb for 40.

... Don't look at me like that! Hey we're all going to be older one day!

Yeah my thoughts in the exam went kinda like this:

Great... um... well Jack seems like a passive sort of character... hmm... non-verbal techniques. I don't know! He just... stands there I guess....

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

Wow my media teacher looks great in black.... those are some big buttons on that coat. That is a nice coat...

OK maybe I should right more to one of my essays.... uhhhh...

She is really good looking. How old is she? She'd probably be about 40... she's not even wrinkly. Wow. Looks younger than my parents...

I wonder what Lorna is doing right now...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

I can't do this damn essay I'm so screwed...

I wonder if Blake's (her son) parents are still together or if they've split up... hmm...

So yes, back to thinking about Lorna... no I mean my exam...

Symbolism. This scene in Cloudstreet symbolises... um... uhhh....

I wonder if being one of her favourite students helps...

Why are you so distracting!? Come on it hasn't been that long!

I wonder if Lorna will be jealous if she reads this in my blog and finds out I was thinking about how hot my teacher is... hmm... (yes I thought about blogging about my thoughts. Thinking in advance! For like when she goes through a tough time in her marriage or divorce... yes... mwahaha) or will she just think it's funny that I was distracted by my teacher from doing an exam? It's so... guyish and teenagery... I'm sure she'll understand...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

I've got an hour and a half left... great! I want to die, I haven't got anything to say in this exam at all!

Wow she really looks great for 40...

The she left....

...and was replaced by the perfectly spherical old man known as "Mr James". He thankfully was not as distracting like my media teacher was...

... he still was in a different way though...

Even less time now. Great... oh good I've written another line.

Wow Mr James really does look like a turtle...

.....

.....

He really does! He looks like a turtle!

...

I wonder if I should draw him. He has an interesting looking face.

Well uhh... I could mention um... black! Black is a nice symbolic and dark colour...

I must stay through this exam... not allowed to walk out with only half an hour left to go. Must scrounge every single possible mark I can so my failure is ever so slightly less embarrassing...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

Hehehe... turtle.

OK I really shouldn't draw him on my exam that wouldn't be good... I shouldn't draw him on the desk either.

I've got 5 minutes left... I don't think I'll be able to draw his face in that amount of time.

Time's up.

F***!

And that was the end of that chapter in my life. May my media teacher never ever discover the blog and read that thing that I said about her.... so if anyone DARES inform her of this I shall be very angry at you! (so don't do that... please?) Well I guess a bonus is she's already seen my bedroom... yeah, put it in a film of mine. (It's how I get all the girls... film my bedroom with a close up of the bed... because that's definitely worked before!... yeah... you know who you are...)

Well, this has gone on for long enough! It is time to tell you about the GIANT COOKIE! (Biscuit)

OK as you saw (above) I made a giant ANZAC Biscuit (don't know what that is? Google/wikipedia it!) which ended up to be a lot larger and thicker than my hand. I have a big hand. I think thats a terrible photo of it... It looked a lot larger in real life. The angle is wrong. Yeah I demand that people believe that my biscuit was HUGE! (It was! I put it next to my head and looked in the mirror and it was nearly as tall and wide as my face! It wasn't as big as my head because my head has more depth to it than a biscuit but yeah... big) Anyhoo, it took a lot of time to eat and by the end of it I had consumed quite a large amount of sugar and oats and felt kinda ill...

Thoughts while eating giant biscuit:

Start:

Oh this is awesome! Giant bikkie! Mmm... tastes so good!

Mmmm... oh man this is huge. I've taken a bite out of it and I barely dented it.

This is all mine. Aaallll mine. My bikkie.

1/4 of the way through.

So much... bikkie. Mmm. Tastes awesome.

1/2 of the way through.

Urgh... too much bikkie. Tastes good but uurrgghh...

Hey I don't think I cooked this as much as I should. It's kinda hard on the top but really soft on the bottom... kinda squishy...

3/4 of the way through.

Oh man I've eaten so much biscuit today... urgh don't feel too well but have to finish it...

....hey I have an idea. I'll have the rest with milk. I wonder why I didn't think of that earlier...

The end.

There's more though! Yes, let me enthrall you for another 10 minutes as I speak of the origin story along with that of the giant marshmallow!

Well it's night and I decide that seeing how someone had a giant marshmallow at school a few days back that I should have one too! (I saw something and decided by my own free will to copy it exactly...) So I went online, got a recipe which involved 3 ingredients (one of which was "water") and only 3 simple instructions and spent half an hour going back and referring to them whenever I got lost/stuck/confused/uncertain about how exactly I was meant to add sugar to water... (well to be honest it was slightly more complex than that. I had to heat the water up!) Well I also had to use gelatine... I found a gelatine packet in the pantry that I have remembered being there for as long as I can physically remember being able to see into that shelf that it was stored on... (which is a long time...) and put it in my boiling water... didn't like the smell too much though. Well part of the instructions was "beat until thick and white".... after a while my mixture was runny and... dark yellow... kinda... gelatine kinda coloured... hmmm....

Oh well good enough I'm putting it in the fridge!

Next day I take it out and find that I haven't made a marshmallow at all... I've made jelly. Jelly that consists primarily of sugar. 2/3 sugar to be more exact. That's A LOT of sugar! And it's in my fridge! Tasting like really sweet jelly! What the hell do I do with it!? I'm screwed... (and not by my med- nah I'm not going there...)

Well I was told by my sister (who is having her 21st at the resturaunt that I will soon be working at...) that girls love guys who can cook so of course I just have to call up Lorna on my mobile while cooking my biscuit! (Well how else will she swoon about my culinary skills if I don't call her up and tell her about it while I do it!?) Well this unfortunately means I have only one hand free... so I need to mix my biscuit ingredients while talking... well that kinda doesn't work if the bowl also decides to rotate in an equal motion to my spoon. That spoon was quite helpful though... it helped me shape my biscuit without my hands.

"Urgh. Get out of the bowl onto the tray! Yes I'm giving you a running commentary while I do this."

"Put down the phone so you have two hands."

"No! Bah! Can't use my spoon properly... fine... I'm turning the bowl upside down. There. Let gravity do my work for me instead! OK well I need to shape the biscuit now... I'm using my spoon to beat the ingredients into shape. Yeah, combining cooking with violence. Awesome. I can cook!"

"Yes of course you can dear."

"Die biscuit die. OK I'm pretty much done now."

That was how I made my giant cookie and my giant marshmallow jelly blob... I made a second marshmallow today which was successful but unfortunately not completely... well you see Marshmallows are normally dry solids that are soft... mine was a... not dry solid that was soft... it was soft all right. It tasted like marshmallow and is really good when you set it on fire... but it's not quite right. Hmm... anyhoo...

Have a nice day :) And try not to eat too much sugar because man it'll make you sick.

Exams have arrived

Exams are here once again to ruin my life only this time they mean it. To makes things worse I've got the flu. Not the swine or bird or even horse or dog kind (or anything interesting like that at all) just the normal human kind. Generic I know... there's been 14 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in Australia as of tonights news report and they're all in the East. They think they should close some schools down to prevent anyone else from getting it. There's also some severe flooding going on at the Gold Coast and streets have become underwater.

Once again NOTHING INTERESTING EVER HAPPENS IN PERTH! You know it hailed once! It did! Well, actually, twice! It was actually very interesting seeing little balls of ice on the ground :) That's the highlight of being in Perth. It hailed twice as far as I can remember in the past 17 years. You know hail actually is more likely to form during the summer for mid-latitude areas. That's strange.

Anyhoo... I think it's only fair that people get at least two blogs out of me a month (Everyone needs at least two of something from me every month... I've decided you get blog entries because other things are um... taken. Now WHAT did THAT imply I wonder? You may never know!) So I'm going to be talking to you today about all sorts of strange things. What they are I don't even know yet seeing how I'm kinda sick and so I'm making this up as I go... maybe I should talk about exams?

Exams. I'm being examined as to how well I can complete an examination of my skills and knowledge of a variety of subjects. I haven't studied for any of them. I won't do well.

Hey wow that wasn't funny at all! (Unless you love to laugh at my pain. Admit it, you do don't you? You're just reading this and sitting here going "bahahaha you are going to FAIL! Bahahahaha I find pain amusing.") Well I'll just say what everyone's got on their mind right now (even if they don't know it) and say: Metaphysical poetry sucks. There! I said it! It's out in the open and so you can't deny it... we all know it's true. You hate studying it just as much as I do! That's why you (whoever you are) have probably never ever read any! :P

Another thing about exams is that they'll prevent me from seeing my dearest girlfriend on our one year anniversary of being together and such. This is the biggest tragedy for me out of being sick, failing all my exams, and swine flu slowly encroaching on the world ready to kill us all...

I've got a phone now! Anyone wondering what the number is I shall tell you if you ask :) Anyone I haven't told already I may have forgotten about, haven't gotten round to it, or got sidetracked and forgot why I was talking and so talked about muffins... (yeah THAT'S the reason behind the muffins!) OK! Seeing how I don't have much to say I guess I'll tell you all the muffin story (and EVENTUALLY the person this involves will read this and go "haha I remember that! My parents were hell like "wtf?" and wondered who was calling their daughter with such strange messages" because I assume her parents would have been there...) OK! Well you see I decided to call someone up on the telephone (because the two cans connected by a piece of string had been broken by swine flu and terrorism...) and I was quite uncomfortable because I don't like using the phone and there's always the chance that the person I wanted to call wasn't there. They weren't. I was stuck with an answering machine which I don't really like because it's like "oh great now I'm on the spot to record something... Can't have a conversation with an answering machine, can't just say hello, and I don't expect this person to call me back considering it's long distance and I'm not even sure they know my number..." so I'm forced to record something improvised that would be worthwhile listening to. Well "hey ever seen the sun set over the ocean?" isn't very interesting (but actually part of what I wanted to say.) so I instantly forget everything I COULD have said (like "oh hey! I have a PHONE now!") and then somehow remember how I'd left a message on someones phone a few months ago and the word "muffin" sprang to mind. Oh wait! No I remember now. It was their birthday and they were eating a muffin when I called... I think. Pretty sure that was it. OK well with that in mind I said this: "Hey I haven't really got anything to say so I'm going to talk about muffins" (What the hell is there to say about muffins!?) "Hey ever noticed how muffins are kinda like fat nuclear explosions? You know how they're like a mushroom cloud onto the bottom of them is really wide you know?" (of course, it's just the logical thing to continue with) "Yeah so that was your strange answering machine message for today. Bye." Then afterwards I was like "...oh wait no I wanted to call about my phone..." and then thought maybe I'd call back again... then I decided I'd do it tomorrow... now, a few days onwards, I'm blogging about it and still haven't done anything about it.

Hopefully I'll end up calling that person back before they end up reading this blog...

Well that was all from me for now! I've got exams so you won't here from me for 2 weeks but then you're probably going to get yet another blog entry as to what weird answers I wrote down on my exam papers :) Goodbye and try not to get swine flu! Remember, it's already HERE and it's ready to GET YOU! (and ONLY you....)

Job Application

The following is a text copy of the Video Ezy Employment Application Form. I have written in some answers in the hope of getting a job and want you to review my responses and give me feedback about my viability as an employee of Video Ezy. Dawg.

(There's an intro. Screw it. Also, personal information has been slightly edited/excluded for the sake of publishing on the internet.)

NAME: Once you hire me I'll trust you with this information.
D.O.B: March 21st 1299.
Gender: Other.
Address: (Edited out to stop the internet stalkers from finding me)
Suburb: (See Address)
State: Emotional.
P/Code: 696969 (No really I was FORCED to use this when signing up to an online game. It insisted that post codes weren't 4 digits long but 6... um... ok?)
Email: Crazybilby@gmail.com
Home No.: 9401 25** (there's just 100 possible combinations there internet stalkers! Have fun!)
Mobile No.: N/A

1. Availability:
Monday: 1pm to 8pm
Teusday: 1pm to 8pm
Wednesday: 1pm to 8pm
Thursday: 1pm to 8pm
Friday: 1pm to 8pm
Saturday: 10amm to 8pm
Sunday: 10am to 8pm
Comments: Going to work during the first 3 hours of my listed time as "available" on weekdays will cause me to miss out on school. I don't care though which is why I want you to give me shifts during those times.

2. Why should you be part of the Video Ezy Team?
Well technically I don't really stand out from anyone else except for in a crowd because of my hair... So I suppose I should be part of the team for the novelty experience of having a ranga in the workplace. It's entertaining for the rest of the staff and might attrack new customers wanting to see something freaky and unusual and just settle for me instead of a movie. I am also far superior to all kinds of invertebrates.

3. What sales, retail or other experience do you have that will benefit Video Ezy?
Well... none really. I once was employed for about 5 hours to count paper at Lincraft!... Individual sheets of paper. Do you think this will come in handy? I'm experienced in other things that people will enjoy but I don't think it's appropriate for a video store...

4. What is the highest level of schooling you have completed? When and where was it completed?
Well I completed Year 11 last year (2008) at Duncraig Senior Highschool. I don't know how I managed that though.

5. Are you currently studying? If yes, please provide details.
I'm studying the art of playing the piano. Is that what the question asked? I'm currently doing year 12 TEE at Duncraig Senior Highschool. I'm not doing too well but please don't tell my mother this.

6. What other completed Qualifications or Certificates do you have?
I have a swimming certificate to prove I can successfully swim 200m freestyle, 100m breaststroke and 100m backstroke! Haven't got one to say I can do CPR though so I hope no one drowns while browsing the Comedy section because that just wouldn't be funny....

7. What experience do you have with computers?
Well I downloaded this application form for one. I also use a computer for emailing. Well I'm good at using editing programs and can type pretty fast. I'm also fluent in Java script as well as Klingon.

8. What hobbies and interests do you have?
Filmmaking, film watching, writing, reading, sex.

9. What are your favourite movies and games?
Movies: The Prestige, Casablanca, Metropolis, The Pursuit of Happyness, 300, Alien, Predator, Shaun of the Dead.
Games: Croc: Legend of the Gobbos, Warcraft 3, Starcraft, Halo, Bubble Bobble, Pokemon games.

10. What are your goals for the future?
Working for Video Ezy! Yay! I also wish to obtain a drivers license, go to university, and get a job as a film director/writer.

11. What transport do you have to get you to work, particulary on nights and weekends?
My legs. Other people's legs too if they're willing to carry me. I also can use a car, bus or bicycle.

---

The rest is asking for references. Well do you think I'll get the job? I hope I do... it'd be fun to work there :) I really don't like being unemployed. My money reverses are quite low and I still haven't figured out how I'm going to access that $38 in my bank account.

Women's Business

Women's business. We men run and hide from the very mention of it! But we know very little about it and quite frankly don't want to know about it. But you see it's actually a bit of a conspiracy as we have been told it's very awkward to know about without knowing anything about it! Even Wikipedia has no article on said "women's business" thus keeping the male population completely unaware of what is going on!

Well don't worry! This blog shall not be awkward but it will be enlightening about the top secret secrets of women's business!

For starters: All women are manic depressive werewolves. Well it makes sense right? You see (my childish brain believes this because) they are obsessed with shaving their legs. Women are generally very hairless all over so why the need to shave? Well it's because once a month they turn into werewolves. Because of this they then suffer from mood swings and become very irritable (becoming a wolf normally does... let's not get into what they do in the style of a dog...) once a month (I assume it has something to do with the moon because it happens as often as the lunar cycle). After they've had a few psychotic moments, shaved their legs and calmed down they're back to their normal loving selves :) Unless they were always moody and evil in which case run because she doesn't need fangs to hurt you!

Women feel that they have a special place on their body that only a special man may one day be allowed to see. Well what exactly is this special place!? I'd like to see it one day if it's that special. Well quite simply this "special place" which a woman tries to keep for her special man is quite low down on her body. "Her stomach?" you might ask ignorant foolish man-boy-thing! No it's lower... that's right! It's the soles of her feet. (Say whaaaa?) Silence parenthesis person! Well quite simply, women are obsessed with shoes! (No duh!) They always have lots of shoes! The bottom of their feet are pretty much always covered in a variety of ways. Now why would they need all those shoes? They're hiding their special place yet showing off the general area to tease the nearby guys! Why else do you think they get so excited and just have to tell us about shoes that they bought? (I mean, seriously why the hell do we care? You already have a pair of shoes...) That my man-friends is why the most generic piece of dating advice is "compliment her on her shoes." (along with complimenting her on her hair and clothes as to not appear too foreword. You don't want her to think you think she's easy. By which I mean easy to get her shoes off.) You compliment her shoes... and you might get lucky enough to see the soles of her feet. It may sound strange at first but trust me... there's a lot of stuff about women's feet on the internet that some people may find shocking.

It makes sense. My logic makes sense doesn't it? I see no other explanation possible thus I must be correct by default! :)

Anyhoo, I hope I have enlightened you all on the secret of women's business :) Now you are one of the very few (besides women themselves) who know about this top secret knowledge! Use it wisely my man-friends.

Anger.

Anger. It consumes us. It makes us go RRRAARRRR!!! Then hurt people. It causes us to rage around saying mean things to people but then again they deserve it? How can you tell? This is an out of context, completely unexplained minimalist hypothetical situation and so if you answered anything then RRAARRRRR!!! You're WRONG! (and a bad person and you smell. I don't actually know this but I'm angry at you so I'm going to say mean things.)

Many people say things that are wrong and stupid. You for one are reading this blog which is a very stupid thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you double the dumb?)

Anger also prevents us from apologising when we're obviously wrong. It also makes us arrogant and think we're above the other person. This is not one of those times. I know for a fact that I'm right! (Now that statement no one would pay any attention to but when you think about it it's very complex and weird. For you see, I say I know that I'm right that you're wasting your life reading this blog but to tell you that I'm right about it you must continue to read after I have told you to stop and thus if you stop reading before I say it I'm wrong... But if you've read this explanation then I'm right. And I'm still right. I'm continueing to be right! Why do you continue to prove me right!? I pity you...)

That is, assuming I am right... but if I'm not then I'm wasting my life saying you're wasting yours (but then how am I wrong if this is pointless for me to do how does it become meaningful for you to read?)

*ding ding*

Existentialism time!

Well OK I have something and you try to find a constructed meaning in it... it is part of the goal of Atheistic and Theistic Exstentialism and there is such a thing as meaning or value in both. It is essential an individual creats meaning in life themselves...

OK that... meant nothing to my arguement. Absurdism! The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is a futile gesture but the pursuit itself may have meaning...

OK.... that actually didn't go where I wanted it to go. I wanted it go "There is no meaning but you can try to find it." Well that was fascinating wasn't it? Oh yes... oh and by the way in nihilism everything is pointless entirely and without question! And that makes me AAAAANNNGGGRRYYYY!!! (rar!)

Well here I am... wallowing in ANGER (Which is now in CAPITALS) because Nihilism done hurted me. There should always be a reason behind things. A good reason. Having good reasons behind things prevents ANGER from happening. I feel that if you are angry at someone you shouldn't overreact but if you're angry you obviously have a reason to be angry and this very fact should hint that the person who did the angerering (that's a word!... like, yeah, totally) should probably rethink their motives behind their actions. If they actually didn't do anything perhaps the person who got angry is just suffering from psychosis and is crazy?

I like to think that this imaginary person with no connection to life (non-mimetic in every sense of the word. Down to the tittle) isn't crazy and therefore has a reason. To say the person who supposedly did the bad thing is the only one to think things through is to say that the angered person is infallible and since they're not the pope (who doesn't get angry so we've instantly ruled him out at the beginning) then they too need to reconsider things.

OK so let's both put these imaginary people in the naughty corner in opposite sides of the imaginary room thingy... of... stuff. OK no. No I say they'll be in a large stadium! For playing basketball! No! Icehockey! (We're talking about ANGER here so duh!) OK so everyone needs to calm down and decide who exactly went wrong...

The problem is in many situations both of the people did something wrong. This is not the case. (Why? WELL BECAUSE I SAID SO! RRAAARRRR!!! Plus, it's a lot easier to say one person's wrong if you're angry so you don't have to blame yourself... that and there's too many variables in two people being wrong. Even more complicated if there's a third person who comes in wearing silly clothes. Or maybe one of the peoples clothes? THAT would probably get someone angry. "You stole my clothes!" "You killed my mother!" "She lied to me! She said we could both kill your mother!" "What? Who are you?" "Who are you!?" "Who's talking!?" "Who said that!?" "I'm androgynous!" "You're imaginary! And text! How can we tell?" "Because he just told you." "I'm a girl." "Aha! Proof you're androgynous!") So Person A has done something that has upset Person B and now Person B is experimenting with Voodoo dolls while Person C starts setting fire to Person A's house because Person D is dead.

No I just realised that this is incredibly ridiculous! What the hell? Oh for let's just say Person A did something bad, Person B has every right to be angry but shouldn't yell and go RARRR at Person A because of something I call regret.

Regret. It consumes you... it makes you go waaaaa!!! Then hurt yourself. It causes us to wallow around saying pathetic things to people but then again they deserve to hear "sorry"? How can you tell? This is an out of context, completely unexplained minimalist hypothetical situation and so is you answered anthing then waaaaa!!! I'm sorry for not explaining this! (I'm a bad person and I smell. I don't really but I'm regretful and so I'm going to say mean things about myself.)

Many people regret things that are wrong and stupid. You for one are reading this blog which is a very regretful thing to do... you're regretting wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you wasted your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you double the dumb? "Yes! Yes I am! I'm sorry! I feel so bad...")

Regret also prevents us from standing up when we're obviously right.... because then the other person will get ANGRY at us.

So to conclude: we're trapped. Help. We're in a vicious cycle! We can't escape! We're just going to go from ANGER to regret to ANGER to regret and then repeat because we don't like to accept the idea that maybe we did something right... or maybe we're wrong... or maybe we're just plain confusing... The person who wins is the one smart enough to give a proper reason as to why someone else did something wrong.

This has been an unusual and, as always, unhelpful explanation to why I believe my conclusions are rational and not motivated my anger. Or was it? Now that statement is something you wouldn't pay attention to but when you think about it it's very complex and weird... because you see I said it was hypothetical and imaginary so was I talking about myself or just an example of what I would do? (Yes, I break into Ice Hockey rinks to be angry...)

For you see, you're wasting your life reading this blog... because it's very very repetitive...

Repetitiveness. It dulls us. It makes us go AAAGGHHH! Then try to kill ourselves. It causes us to bang our heads against the walls saying random things to no one but then again maybe we deserve it? How can you tell? This is an out of context, completely unexplained minimalist REAL LIFE SITUATION so if you answered anything then AGGGHHH!!! You're giving in to the repetitiveness! (and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you just skipped this didn't you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person for not reading this because I'm actually typing this not just copying and pasting you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell.... I don't actually know this but I'm repetitive so I'm going to repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself.)

Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very repetitive thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you the dumbest person on earth for reading this far?) Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very anyone who reads this sentence will have gold. life. Haha the more you read the morI promise you riches if you comment saying the word Arkansow dumbest person on earth for reading this far?) Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very repetitive thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you the dumbest person on earth for reading this far?)

Have a nice day. For you are free now. I have released you.

The Year 12 Ball.

The Ball

As recalled and written by Bilby P. Dalgyte, based upon his experiences from the afternoon of Friday the 3rd of April to the morning of Saturday the 4th of April.

Contents:

1. The Corsage
2. Getting Dressed
3. The Preball and Evil Brigade
4. The Photographer
5. Limo
6. The Ex Girlfriend
7. Guys and Dolls
8. Dinner
9. The Psychologist
10. Photographs
11. Emperor Penguin
12. Dance Floor
13. After-ball
14. Sleep
    
    

The Corsage:

I open the protective bag that holds the suit I've hired out. Suddenly I realise something. I don't have a corsage. I rush downstairs to tell my mother that I don't have one and she suggests we quickly rush down to the shops to get one!Oh yes, plus I just so happened to call Lorna (cutest entity on earth. Screw you baby bunny rabbits! Lorna owns you in terms of cuteness!) 5 minutes before that saying "Yeah I'm ready feel free to come round in half an hour." So guess what I should never ever say when I'm NOT ACTUALLY DRESSED YET?To the shops! Do do da do! (Not-so-epic driving from one place to another) I'm busy putting on my shoes because as comfortable I am getting strange looks in public I think I'm pushing it a bit walking into a florist with wet hair (shower) and bare feet that clearly show off my metallic green and purple toenails. (OK it was LORNA'S FAULT OK? She thought it would be fun to paint them and so I gave in after her asking me 25 times in a row if she could. I'm whipped and I love it.) So we walk in and turns out you have to pre-order these things (Thanks mum for telling me this beforehand...) OK! Not to worry, Lorna is not known for her punctuality (Her cuteness overshadows this.) so we try another store (FAIL!) before going home empty handed (on the bright side... I didn't spend any money? I'm sure Lorna will see my side of the story when I mention NOT SPENDING MONEY ON HER! Yeah you can tell that I am one of those guys who really understand women! :D) Oh well no corsage but that's fine I'll just get changed into my suit (which is quite smashing) so... I do...

Getting Dressed:

Getting dressed! Yay! This is where I prove that I'm a big boy! :) OK there's a tie.... OK skip that bit I can't do that. OK now there's a shirt. Yeah I know that... waistcoat thing... um... why are these strappy like things on the back? Huh? OK jacket. Woo! That got on fine... Somewhere in this desperate attempt to quickly button things up... Lorna arrives. Agh! Where's my manly ability to get dressed FASTER THAN THE GIRL!? (OK seriously... what the hell!? I'm a GUY! I put clothes on I walk downstairs I wait 15 minutes for Lorna to finish doing her hair! Oh the irony!) Well the last thing to put on is the shoes. "Size 11" they say. Huh? Who gave me size 11 shoes!? As I struggle to get the tightly fitting pair of shoes I think "What idiot gave me these!? Why do I have size 11!?" then suddenly they slip on and everything is fine... "Oh... that's why..." Then I stand up. "Wah! I'm abnormally taller!". OK get all my stuff on and I'm thinking that I look pretty awesome already (even though I haven't seen a mirror) and soon discovered the shoes that I thought were ridiculously shaped and sized were just that... ridiculously shaped and sized. Traversing down stairs should never be attempted in shoes that long.
I meet Lorna at the bottom of the stairs and she looks GORGEOUS! A real beauty standing right there.
I sure hope she doesn't notice the fact that she doesn't have a corsage... or that my shirt isn't tucked into my pants...
...or the fact that my pants are crooked and I don't have my cufflinks in. Oh yes... Stylish.
"I need help with my tie."
Oh yes, time for the big grown up teenager who is taking his girlfriend of the past nearly a year to the year 12 Ball for the last year of highschool before he goes off to Uni to bend down slightly so his mother can reach up and try to do his tie up... You may laugh and mock me sir but I have the true victory! The victory for me here is... I get other people to do things for me! (Sucker! I've got slaves! I've got minions! I'm... completely dependant...) Anyhoo after a lot of trying, we finally get the tie the right length, tuck in all of my shirt, get my cufflinks in and then the pants... they're crooked somehow and adjusting them won't work. There's a tag in them! Huh? "OK takes off your pants..." "What? No!" "Not here! I don't want to see you take them off..." Cue the innapropriate joke about Lorna and me taking my pants off (oh yes we ALL KNOW you're thinking of those innapropriate jokes! I know I was! But I dare not say it near my mother...) so I return with my pants on my arm and them being replaced by camouflage patterned shorts...
Oh yeah I wish I had pictures of that. Me with camouflage pants on... and complete formal attire from the waist up. Nothing says best Year 12 Ball ever like arriving to find that your boyfriend is not only not dressed but needs to wear camouflage pants with his jacket and tie... ("I'm going to be late to my own wedding and dress in camouflage pants!" "Please don't...") Don't worry the problem is soon fixed and I'm soon wearing proper pants again (and THIS time I actually wore black socks to go with my shoes! Yeah it takes me about... 3 tries to get dressed properly?) Anyhoo, it's time to take pretty pictures before heading off to the Preball!
Flash, Flash, Click, Exchange cameras, More Flashing, Stealing camera and taking GENERIC MYSPACE PHOTO! (Stretching up camera to get a slightly high-angle of face without actually getting any detail of the person thus making it the worst and most pathetic kind of photo when YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT! DUH!)
Yes, I got a picture of me looking evil too :)
And yes, Lorna DID notice that she didn't have a corsage...

The Preball and Evil Brigade:

"Where am I going?" "Here." I hand my mother the invitation. "Now I've got two of these things..."
10 minutes later. We're there! AN's house (or at least I think it was... yeah AN is a codename because EVERYONE has a codename... except for Brooke... Seriously why are you the odd one out actually using their REAL name!? Loner! I am also probably most likely not allowed to mention AN's name on the internet or she'll hunt me down and hurt me... stalkers. Anyhoo...) has a few people out front looking exceptionally stylish in their black suits. Not many people are there yet but they arrive eventually. There's some introducing and comparing of cufflinks and shoes (Practically ALL the guys had the same long pointyish black shoes as I did, at least one other person had the same cufflinks but I was the only one with a gold tie and Ganesh has the most awesome cufflinks of all time. Guess what they were? They where the G's from scrabble in cufflink form. How awesome is that?) and many hugs, parents taking pictures, and people going "Wow you look so good!" (people coming over to me and mentioning how short Lorna is). TTTSNB had a trenchcoat, red tie and sunglasses so that was pretty cool. Ninka had an epic purple dress and of course I'm the one who has to mention that it could be even more epic if it had spikes and was on fire....
"It'd be really epic! Not as beautiful though but still pretty epic!"
Boyfriend walks over. Punches me. Walks back to her side.
Ow. OK. DON'T say dumbs things AGAIN! (I've said that before!... many times... unfortunately)
Lorna points out that Ninka has a corsage. So does Brooklyn and she hasn't even got a boyfriend.
The Evil Brigade seemed to be forming. Yeah, some guys just look EVIL in suits. TTTSNB included. Rat Boy and Little Willy both joined him in the foundation of The Evil Brigade (or so I had decided to nickname it later. No one seemed to pay attention to me though.) and at one point in time we started talking about mafia hit men and comparing us to The Godfather movies (which I haven't seen unfortunately) and putting "Don" next to our surnames. Mine didn't sound good but Slonkey's did. Don Serafini. While we were discussing this AN's mother brought out food and commanded us all to eat it (urgh. Suit tight enough as it was. Note to self: breath out slightly when getting measurements... chances are you'll get it slightly tighter than expected.)

We then started to comment on the pockets of all the clothes. Mine were all real. G mentioned that the ones on the outside of his jacket were fake and so were Cheeses. Only some of the ones on TTTSNB were real. Ninka's boyfriend got annoyed at how only the ones on the inside of his jacket were real. Meanwhile: "Ha! Mine are ALL real!"

So then I got punched again... damn... failed again at not being stupid. Well jokes on him my pockets were real instead of cloth designed to look like an opening that didn't go anywhere.

Someone's grandmother walked past. She had a massive line of stitches going down the back of her head behind her ear.
"Did you just call me Godzilla's girlfriend? I'm Godzilla's latest girlfriend!" *shows us the large cut* "I had a date with a surgeon."Pause. "Well he just doesn't know how to seperate his work from his personal life..." No one laughed at my joke. "I could've delivered that a lot better couldn't I?" Ganesh nods. (You see Ganesh is the only one I've mentioned who hasn't had a username, codename or nickname... His name really IS Ganesh! I'm surprised he found a suit large enough with enoguh sleeves for his name arms. It's just such an odd name there's nothing else we call him... oh woops we call him Gandalf. Damn. Now everyone can stalk him because he has such a unique name out of all of us... oh well! Nice knowing you Ganesh! Stalkers will soon hunt you down when you sleep... hahaha yeah I'm evil and I don't care!) Anyhoo we talked, we ate, we exchanged stories of our previous conquests (as you do with your ball date by your side), we drank non-alcoholic wine which to me tasted so incredibly bizarre... then it was time for photographs!

The Photographer:

Professional photographer had been included in AN's Preball costs. Money for food, photos and most importantly: Limo! But in the meantime: Photos! Apparently AN (I'd like to point out that's not even her real initials.) had the same photographer as she did last year because we was pointing to people and saying their names and then turning to me and going "Have I met you? No... No I haven't." A brief introduction and we were off having group photos near the fish pond! How exciting! After that came the couple photos so Lorna and I are up and ready to go get our photos taken! "So whats your name?" She says. "Lorna." "Wow Lorna's a really scottish name." "Well she is Scottish." "Oh really? OK so we have a Scot and... a Canadian." (Referring to ME!?) "What!?" "Oh sorry you're Irish!" "WHAT!?" "OK where are you from? You're not Australian... are you?" "Yes I am!" "And your parents?" "Australian!" "Wow you seriously have a foreign accent." "No I don't!" "See? Right there. OK well lean over this way and face there..."

Limo:

Limo! Dun nun nun nun nun Limo! Limo! Limooooo! (Time for the holiday show! As we ride in a limo!) OK most of The Evil Brigade can't fit into the two limos and so they must go in their awesome car (which truly was quite cool... convertable or something. Didn't get a good look at it but it was silver and shiny!) whereas we must now sort out seating arrangements. Lorna and I must kick someone out of Limo B so we can go because Limo A is couples limo which seats of 3 opposite to 3 (Which really doesn't work for 3 couples because teenagers generally like to be sitting right next to their snuggle-toys instead of being unable to reach them even with their outstretched legs.) So Brooklyn and Cheese (Yeah no really we ALL have nicknames like this. Brooklyn is actually L's name for B and so L was Brooklyn but now B, who is F not L, is Brooklyn and L is L but their blog is authored by both of them and it's all confusing and they don't blog anymore unfortunately!) had to go with AN (She doesn't have a nickname that I know of...) and Ninka and their respective boyfriends while I got to go with Audrey Hepburn (We just called her that on the night because she looked like her.... apparently. I think that's who we mentioned. Famous actress. Oh yeah! Google Image search has confirmed to me that she was indeed quite Audrey Hepburny! Wow that actress looks pretty good... Anyhoo... She looked pretty dang awesome in her sleeveless dress that was, of course, black and let's just call her G for the remainder of this blog. Because... G why wouldn't we? OK... G... Gee? OK no laughs there. *awkward*) I also was riding with Sym.... and um... oh.... wait....

...who was in the Limo with me? Sym was opposite me, Lorna beside me.... crud. OK I'm pretty sure TTTSNB was there too I think...... he commented on how unfortunate it was for Brooklyn and Cheese to be banished to the land of COUPLES LIMO (With AN! AN!... Meh.) OK can we all just forget that I only really knew two people (Besides myself and Lorna) who were definitely in the Limo and can only speculate on the third? It's... kinda pathetic... oh my failing memory! I know Shmooface wasn't there... neither was Frasbert.... Rat Boy and Little Willy had gone in the car... oh urgh... um... hmm.... cornflake arrived later.

...Fudge monkies...

Oh! OK no it WAS Sym, G, Lorna, Me, Brooklyn, Cheese! OK and Gandalf and TTTSNB went off to be with AN and Ninka! OK I found out at school today so it's all good... quick post-edit there.

Oh well. We arrived at the chosen place (Challenge Stadium) on time and then it was time to meet everyone else to see just how they'd dressed...

The Ex Girlfriend:

Who do you want your current girlfriend to meet out of all the people in the world? If you said "My Ex! Because she's so damn awesome!" Then um.... uhh... go away. Now. Lorna has met her once before so all's good so no surprises there when you run into her right? Right?

Wrong! OK now lets let your mind just go over ALL the things you think could POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

OK your mind come up with at least three different scenarios that involve SOMEONE getting hurt somehow? OK good! What are they? Tell me them in the comments section! Oh yeah by the way...

You're wrong. Don't care what you thought was going to go wrong because nothing went wrong! There was an absolutely HUGE surprise though! Well OK Arterial is (the strangest nickname) not the most womanly of girls... plays video games a lot, likes to do tomboy-ish things really. She ALWAYS wears (long, baggy) pants but don't call her a man because she'll kick you (hard). When I found out she was coming to the ball I was trying to imagine her in a dress....

I spent some time... trying... really hard... to imagine her... in a dress. NOTHING came to mind (I have a vivid imagination.) and I assumed that if I actually managed to break down all the mental barriers that prevented me from imagining this impossibilty my mind would break and my nose will start to bleed and the world's biggest aneurism would've just occured. She really is one of those peope you really can't imagine in a dress (as you may have guessed) so this was the biggest shock ever!

I see Shmooface arrive with Jesus (yes... Jesus...) and Karkus looking al very fine in a suit and who... who's that next to Shmooface? No. NO! WHAT!? There's too many people in my way because I'm now RUNNING towards them thinking "HOLY F----ING S----!!!" and I arrive to see her looking absolutely stunning in an electric blue dress that shows off her arms (SHE HAS ARMS!?) and she seems to... no it's not possible. A feminine figure!? (She has a personality you know...) Her hair is cut and straightened and styled to look good! WHOA! I force Lorna to come over and meet the NEW Arterial who is like WHOA! (WHOA!) But still just Arterial even if the fact that she's in a dress and looks pretty messes with my brain. She truly was quite the shock of the evening but definitely not the best part of it.

She wasn't the only one dressed strangely or awesomely though...

Guys and Dolls:

Guys and dolls! We're just a bunch of guys and dolls! In formal attire! Yeah we're just in formal attire! OK this is actually going back in time a bit (Yeah Arterials dress was far more important than the space time continuum so I had to type it out of order so you all read it first!) to the point where we're all outside waiting for people to arrive! There were a few people.... yes there were a few people... and a few more. No. OK (I forgot where that sentence was going) I was introducing people to Lorna with my patented game show "Whoa look at this!" arm gesture (I have a patent it goes 1234MINE!ALLMINE!..... that was um... a patent number... thing.... OK still not funny? Damn I suck at this funny business...) and people go "Hello" (as you do) and then wave (as you do) then walk off (as you do) and socialised with other people who you actually know (as you do) and were looking forward to meeting (as you do). Not that no one wanted to meet Lorna it's just at this point in time she hadn't really run into anyone she hadn't already met or was really one of those who really wanted to meet her.

Cornflake arrives! Oh how she looks stunning! Like a princess out of a Disney movie in a large billowy (hope thats the right word) dress with a bow on the back! She truly does look wonderful and I truly hoped she knew it. Her ball date also arrived at the same time as her (as they do) and we were introduced to this strange new guy she called "Jason". (She probably called him that because it was his name... but I didn't put it to the test by asking him if he was in the witness protection program or if he was a hitman. I was a bit too distracted by Lorna's cuteness and Cornflakes awesome dress.)

It was time to go into the dark dark depths of Challenge stadium to somewhere I don't know. I don't know what it's used for normally but there was carpet all over and the space was huge. It looked huge and had a large curtain next to it... which opened up to an equally huge place where the tables and dancefloor was. Anyhoo, they had put some sort of circuses tent like ceiling of cloth over us (that stretched so very very far) and through it you could see rows and rows of seats elevated an entire story off the ground. They stopped quite suddenly though so it made me wonder just what exactly this particular part of the building was used for when it wasn't for highschool balls. I never found out because no one actually knew...

Well we're in this huge place, at the entrace stands two statues (I swear they were real! They were people with facepaint on I swear! They must've moved!) and something shooting foamy bubbles into the air that went with (what I later figured out) what the ball's theme was. "Winter Wonderland." A man was on a slightly raised platform with a huge block of ice and a chainsaw. As guest walk in her starts to carve it up and it eventually forms a unicorn as we watch. We walk past people serving drinks (which held a lot more Fanta in than the fancy glasses back at AN's house so I was happy about that even though my suit was not designed for stretching.) and as I looked over everyone arriving I started to pick out faces I knew. Lots of people looked quite good in their dresses and suits but normal for people who are wearing formal wear. Some stood out though. Lu (who is the worlds tallest Year 11. He'd be in Year 12 but he went away for a while and so had to redo Year 10. He'd still tower over Year 12's...) had straight hair which was quite different looking for those who know him because he has long REALLY curly hair (When I say curly I mean his looks like its made of springs... it curls a lot and is still quite long looking even when curly) so he has this HUGE long fluffly bunch of straight hair on his head you can see from miles away because he's a head over nearly everyone there. To help you imagine this (and to realise why it's blog-worthy) he was basically a younger and less buff version of Sabretooth from Xmen. Yeah that's right... The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants are out and about and one of them is at our ball! He seriously looked like Sabretooth.

Later on I walked up to Jason with the evil intent of asking him a question!!! Little did he knew he should be running because I'd had a few drinks (of Fanta) and I was slightly hyper with something to prove.... Think I'm going to hurt him? Nah I was just being really dramatic just then. I just wanted to ask him what country I sounded like I was from. "OK listening to the sound of my voice what country do you think I'm from?" "Um... oh you're definitely European." "What? OK seriously?" Then I tell him the story of the photographer. "OK so where are you from?" "I'm Australiam." "No but originally?" "Australia." "Buy your parents?" "Australia!" "Grandparents?" "Australia! I'm Australian!"

Next to join The Evil Brigade was Jason. No, a different one. He also had straightened his hair (which is normally very large) and so looked exceptionally evil with this long black hair covering one eye as he walked along in a pure black suit and bright blood red tie. Black suit and blood red tie basically make you look evil. Rat Boy and Little Willy both had black suits and red ties. As they walked past I would mention how they were the Evil Brigade. (People still didn't care.)

Yeah but one thing EVERYONE cared about was the guy dressed up as the one, the only, The Joker! Green hair, white face paint with a smile and dark eyes. His waistcoast and tie were green and purple and he seriously looked like The Joker! Everyone thought that was absolutely awesome! (Including me! Don't forget me! I'm included guys! Include me! Include me! I'm lonely...)

Jimmy came dressed looking like a nerd... with big nerdy glasses with no lenses in them... how bizarre... meh. Screw you strange person who didn't dress excitingly! The teachers were more interesting than you! I ran into a lot of old teachers like... um... that guy... had him for year 9 Electronics. I don't know his name! Science teacher. Then I ran into Mrs Evans (which we all know is pretty cool.) and we discussed how the Year 11's are treating her. Apparently none of them seemed to compare to the sheer awesomeness and interesting behaviour that I exhibited (I sound so weird when I put it like that...) and she's got quite a boring class in comparison to last years one (that of course had ME in it!). She then decided to watch some guy who she thought was drunk or stoned or something and seemed not quite right... she's still getting the strange ones she is...

Lorna might have mentioned that a few of the people had corsages and she didn't...

Dinner:

The curtain opened and we all walked to our tables. I was on Table 16. 16 is a nice number... I like 16... yes... it's very nice.... yes... yes... 16 yes... yes... Ahem. Anyhoo... After about a few songs the DJ tells us all to go sit down and eat because unfortunately he'll get in trouble if no one actually eats anything... There's some bread... great. Bleh. There's people serving food on either side so after a bit of waiting we go up and get food...

...well... some food. Not much. They gave us a potato thing. It was definitely a potato. Not much of one. Obviously hadn't been growing for very long it was tiny! If Lorna was a potato and she was proportional to other potatos... the potato I was given to eat would be small compared to Lorna... OK that's a terrible terrible analogy where I call Lorna tiny and a potato (mm-mm tastes good with sauce!) but yeah... very tiny potato. Now I'm hungry... grr anyway. I mean hoo! Hoo! Anyhoo! (No! NOT allowed to use REAL English words! Erm um uh... I can has good spleling now plse? K thnks bai.) There was also some meat and salad! So I ate some meat! (Salad!? What!? Huh!? I got my mother to pay $100 for salad!? Yeah that's right! She paid for me. I got my mother to pay for the Ball and the suit! Oh yeah... that.... was actually my birthday present... "paying for the ball" was my birthday present....... yeah I'm fine with that suckers. Everyone else paid hundreds of dollars. I got someone else to do it for me. I only spent $77 for AN's Photographer and Limo fee. The only person who beat me in terms of least money spent was Slonkey who paid a total of $10. I don't even remember what that $10 was on...) Then there were even more (non-alcoholic) drinks at the table so there was much drinking of the sugary drinks and such! Oh yes there will be drinking of sugary drinks.

I love my schweppervescence...

Dinner was soon over and then came some dancing... some talking... then there's a mild blank in my mind but at one point we decide to go get photographs!

The Psychologist:

You were expecting me to talk about photographs now weren't you? Oh no you don't get that! No you don't! Well... you do get it later... so all is well. You can stop hating me now! OK well Lorna and I want to go get photographs from the OTHER professional photographers that AREN'T going to call me strange things like "Canadian" (What is that anyway!? A drink!?) but on our way between the opening in the curtain that seperates the two large rooms we ran into someone who seemed about 40 years old...

"Hello" she said. "Hello. Bah! Hello! You're the school psychologist!" (Who I'm pretty sure is called Kim.) Yes! Yes she is! And not just any school psychologist for my wonderful Highschool... but the former school psychologist of my former primary school! Basically... she knows me from year 4. Oh yes... saying hello to the school psyche in formal wear...

Nothing beats saying hello to the school psyche in formal wear..... WITH A GIRL! *Patented game show host arm gesture* Lorna! Meet the school psyche and psyche meet my wonderful cute little girlfriend Lorna! You see cornflake goes to the psyche every now and then and because I'm so awesome she just HAS to mention me and mentioned how I have a girlfriend. Kim was surprised and goes "Really?" "Yeah! He's had three!" "Well that's three more than I expected him too." Oh burn! Ouch... well understandable considering she hasn't ever really talked to me since year 4... Yeah well I'll show you psychologist! I'm better now! (Yeah I said that a lot... "I'm better now." Oh yes... not strange at all you know!) I have a girlfriend who I'm not afraid to hug and I've been dating for the past 10 and a half months! (She kept having to be reminded of this... yeah I wasn't trying to force it into her mind or make a point she honestly kept forgetting! "So 6 months?" "10 and a half." "Oh wow!" Then five minutes later: "So 8 and a half months was it?" "10 and a half.") So I was busy catching up with the good old psyche talking about what I've been up to and how I've developed into a perfectly functional member of society who has no major issues at all.... and how I set things on fire at my birthday (explained why I'm 710) and how that's perfectly normal for a teenager and I'm perfectly fine... You know all teenagers set things on fire! And it was ALL SHMOOFACE'S FAULT ANYWAY! (Yeah, at my party as people were leaving they all blamed Shmooface for the massive pile of molten wax from the 710 birthday candles we melted on the back stairs.) So I'm perfectly normal. Yes... She asked me what I was planning on doing in the future and I mentioned that I was going to be into Media and how Lorna is already doing that at TAFE. She's going to be a producer and I'd like to be a director/writer. I was suggested a movie to watch about some guy and a psychologist and a mother that abadons him or something... I forgot what it was called. Oh well... Then I mentioned that if I wasn't doing film ect as my future career I'd want to do psychology. It's truly fascinating! Human behaviour is the most interesting thing in the world. (I wasn't trying to impress the psyche... oh no...) Human behaviour is so complex and intricate and influenced by so many things and you have so many reasons and motives to do all sorts of things. Media influences what we say or do or feel and act. "Welcome to the guy who's going to influence what your grandchildren will grow up thinking and feeling."

Then mentioned family... and how I'm completely better now it's just my family is two steps behind on developing being normal... Yeah because we all know that I'm the normal one!

Then I said goodbye to the good old school psyche and we continued our journey to the line of people waiting to get photos!

Photographs:

Well the line isn't too long but it seems to be taking it's time. The Evil Brigade walks past me and Rat Boy hands me a flower for some reason. Corsage! I try to give it to Lorna but she points out it's not for the woman it's the flower the guy puts in his front pocket. So I was stuck with a flower that kept falling out. Well a few people walked past and tada! More hand gesturing and going "Look it's a Lorna!" and people go "Oh so you're Lorna! I've heard so much about you! (Pause) All good things of course!" Pretty much everyone has to pause and then mention that it was all good things... you know just in case I had said something terrible about my girlfriend...? No of course I wouldn't...

TTTSNB was in line in front of me and guess what humiliating thing he had to do? He had to get a photo with his sister! Little sister (blasted year 11's) called Rhea (Like Dia or Gonna... yeah those preffixes are spelt incorrectly I know but shut up. Not words I see written down often for a reason...) and he basically doesn't like his sister... Twas his mothers orders to get a photo with the two of them. So I'm in line laughing about it and then they step forward onto the place where they were to be photographed. You know those sheets that they prop up as a background? Those things. "That'd be so hilarious if the guy got them to hug! Hahaha! Hey do you think they're going to have to hug? Haha he's going to hate this so much!" Guess what happened 10 seconds later? The photographer came over and put his arm around her waist! Cue loud laughter. Too bad TTTSNB you have to smile as I mock you or it just takes longer!!!

The low moment of his night is over now and it's time for me to get a photo with Lorna! You know the section about me getting a photos taken of me for the third time that evening was basically just so I could tell the story about TTTSNB... hehehe. OK but I'll tell you about me getting my picture taken. We had to hold, smile, look at each other, smile some more and then the guy told me my hair was in the way of my face. Yeah randoms in the street might love my hair but photographers think "No get it out of the way!"

Lorna pointed out that the people she had just met had corsages...

Then it was over and then the night continued.... a bit of dancing ensued before it was time to give out awards!

Emperor Penguin:

I was handed a sheet of paper with sections on it to vote for Bell of the Ball and other things. Most popular girl and guy. Best couple. Best dressed guy (which is the only one I remember the odd name of. Yeah they all had different names to them. Best dressed guy was "Emperor Penguin." They were winter themed I remember that much.) Best dressed girl. And then random awards for year 11's that weren't as numerous or imporant. I didn't know any year 11's except for one I had seen there but I didn't know her last name so I just put it down. Of course I needed to vote cornflake for best dressed girl because quite frankly no one else looked like a princess.... and she really wanted to win something. The rest I filled in half-half with Lorna because I knew people's surnames.

A few minutes later Mr Martin (The Man behind it all! The one and only 6"4 giant maths teacher who has been telling us lame jokes since year 8 but is still cool anyway!) stands on stage and announces the winners of the numerous awards!

cornflake didn't win any...

Best dressed girl I didn't know... nor the Bell of the Ball. But the male equivalent I knew. No one else though...

....except... for THE JOKER!!! That's right! The Joker won BEST DRESSED MALE! The Joker is Emperor Penguin! Man that guy just keeps winning awards long after his death... good on him!

Dance floor:

Only an hour and a half left! To the dancefloor! I promised cornflake a dance so she had one before I returned back to Lorna's side to spent the rest of the night dancing until our feet hurt and our arms were tired...

Because I'm just a teenage dirt-bag baby, come see Iron maiden with me on Friday don't say maybe... yeah RIP Wheatus. (Well you're not dead you're just a one-hit wonder.) Yes that was basically the BEST song that was playing that night. A few other ones I really liked but they was because they were the only rock songs. OK seriously Solja Boi and Baby got Back? And that song that goes "Put your hands up, put your hands up, put your hands up for Detroit! I love this city." again and again. Promiscuous girl ect ect. Those sorts of songs that you know... can dance to? I'd hate to listen to them if I could avoid it but something about dancing with Lorna in a giant group of bobbing heads and flashing lights (designed solely for the purpose of CAUSING EPILEPTIC SEIZURES!? f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-flashing lights!) that made it all kinda really fun! The music was so loud you could feel the vibrations thump against your chest and you knew that if you were where Sabretooth was standing then your ears would be screwed for the rest of the week if not the rest of your life because he was 3 metres away RIGHT NEXT to the speakers! OK seriously those things were really loud! You had to go up to someone and yell into their ear to be heard and it wasn't a very good chance you would...

After-ball:

Oh man I'm tired... better steal one (or two) of those cool drinks! I walk over to the table and pick out two and put them into my pockets. Then guess what I found under the table? It wasn't actually at this point in time I just don't know where to really fit in this part of the story into what I've written already (oh yeah plus while we waited for votes to be tabulated I was playing with a pen. I was also doing magic tricks where I magically made the flower from my pocket appear in my sleeve. It was dodgy at best.) so OK! Well no alcohol allowed at the ball. Someone ignored this and brought a bottle of alcohol to the ball! And drank it! And left it underneath my table! Near my seat! No one on my table had of course drank it... hmm... I picked it up and showed it to everyone... it was pretty interesting... yep... mhm... one of the true highlights of the evening. Anyhoo! Shoved it back under the tablecloth and walked away (I'm such a criminal oooohhh)

We're exiting the Stadium and some guy comes up to me and goes "Can you just empty your pockets?" and I think "Oh no I've been discovered!" I take out one of the drinks and he goes "Oh that's OK it just looked like you had a bunch of stuff in your pockets." Oh OK so I'm allowed to take the drinks! Well duh! They were being served to us I think they'd prefer it if we drank them all instead of it all being a waste... oh well... Sabretooth apparently stole 10 of them and had them in all his pockets. He also stole the stretchy seat covers... he wasn't allowed to steal those though. (He's an evil mutant what does he care if you don't like him stealing seat covers!? They're flipping seat covers!!)

I went home and Lorna and I changed into non-formal clothes (as you do) then went to Shmooface's for a calm afterball with no alcohol and just a few movies! Yay! We watched a Family Guy episode, Good Luck Chuck (Dane Cook must've LOVED being in that movie!) then Resident Evil. OK these were on a large plasma screen TV connected to a computer so these weren't DVD's... these were AVI's.... So it theoretically shouldn't stuff up like a DVD right and freeze? Well too bad! Resident Evil froze for a little bit before resuming (there was no way Shmooface's computer was lagging... it's far too awesome to lag just playing a movie.) and then stuffed up just before the evil monster was shot (but doesn't die) and before whatshername becomes a zombie so yeah... but that didn't matter because I was basically going home at that point in time at 4 in the morning after a long night of dancing and talking...

Lorna told me it was fine that I hadn't got her a corsage... she didn't mind at all really.

Sleep:

Sleep... oh how I welcomed thee.....

...at 5:30am...

Sleep was relatively uneventful as always. Waking up at 8:30 with Lorna in my arms was pretty fun though...

Wait, what!? Hahaha OK no I'm not kidding........ just forgot to mention that I had woken up at 8 and walked over to hug Lorna and nodded off for a bit thus making you think that I had slept with her when in reality I hadn't! Haha I messed with your brain for fun :)

Then I went back to sleep and never ever woke up again...

....ever....

Basically... It was an AWESOME night! I enjoyed every moment of it from start to finish! I wish I had gone to the year 11 ball last year because it's kinda sad that chances are I won't be doing this again. This was fun and I'm very glad I got over my fear of dancing and formal wear to come and attend something that will be with me for the rest of my life! It was absolutely wonderful and I wish it hadn't ended!.... Because Schoolwork isn't as fun...

OK! A cookie for the poor sad person who had to read ALL of that! Well here's something that will help you cool down after that EPIC BLOG ENTRY! It's my NEW BLOG! Which is pretty cool and has scripts in it. Check it out. But if you're too lazy to click on that and want to know the link then here it is: http://theuniverseofbilby.blogspot.com/ Enjoy it! Now!

CB Podcast #1 Puppies!

Oh I forgot to talk about PANDAS... Oh well. Have a really random and kinda weird podcast thingy from me (to you) and it's me just talking to myself into my brand new iriver that I got for my birthday yesterday. It's mainly just for playing songs not recording things so it's not absolutely brilliant sound quality. I talk about Neo, The Day After Tomorrow and Puppies (and the crazy people who own them) and feel free to expect lots and lots more of these! (Also expect to be disapointed! Because they'll be less frequent then me blogging!)

LINK:

The Secret of My Age

To begin let me take a minute to mention I am turning 17 tomorrow. Or 710 depending on how you look at it. The past 17 years have been pretty good... I haven't died during them (despite my ability to find a way to electrocute myself on occasions...) so that's a bonus I guess. I've done a bunch of stupid things... and I don't plan on ever stopping doing them again and again :) (one of those involves finding ways to be electrocuted.)

Oh yes I also want to reveal to everyone that I am indeed the original Poe Toaster. How I have managed to do this from the comfort of my 3-story Australian mansion overlooking the sea without ever leaving the house is yet another mystery I will not reveal so easily.

Well, although on my current (note the fact I'm talking about my present one) Birth Certificate it says I'm turning 17 but on older documents it states that I am turning 710 tomorrow. I will spare no expense in the celebrations and on my party (taking place a week from tomorrow) I shall be having 710 candles on my birthday cake(s). (Woo! Thankyou Rayne! Yeah you rock!) I also should mention now that setting things on fire is much more fun then electrocuting them and I will (along with the surroundings) most likely get burnt so hoorah! It'll be one smashing birthday party with the finale taking place in the emergency room! :D

OK, a really cool retired columnist from The West has recently mentioned that she doesn't believe that I'm 709 years old at all. Why would she? It's not like that's actually believable (all of a sudden all my friends realise how dumb they are for taking me seriously...) but it is actually a true story.... in a sense. Well OK! Here is the story of my unusual supposed birthday. Here is the story of the secret behind my age:

My mother one day was filling out tax forms (as you scary adults do) and she completed it (as you scary adults do) and sent it off to wherever you send tax form things that you fill out (as you scary adults do). Now, keep in mind that she has three children at this point in time. I am 2 years old as you would assume by looking at me and I am the youngest of my siblings. We are all under 18 years of age (how many cats do we have?) so we're all "Dependants." The tax department writes back (because emails hadn't quite been invented back then) and complains about what my mother has tried to sell them. She doesn't have three dependants at all! She only has two! How dare she try to lie and say she has three! What? That doesn't make sense! What about little old me? I exist don't I? Short answer: Yes. I do. The tax department didn't care because I wasn't a dependant. Well the explanation is simple: Their computers had me in them but the birthdate wasn't 21st of March 1992 but 21st March 1299 instead.

So I'm apparently 693 years older than I look, 665 years older than my parents, born 602 years before the Federation of Australia, 471 years before Captain Cook sailed around the coast, 307 years before the Dutch even discovered the continent and I'm the first EVER White Australian and the world's oldest ever (non-biblical) person to live by 588 years! (But at least I was born about 20 years after the 9th crusade.) Man I'm so old... but I'm look absolutely fabulous for 710! I don't have any wrinkles or anything! (Moisturiser! Or you could always go the approach of the world's oldest ever woman who lived to 122 and smoke, eat chocolate and large amounts of olive oil while rubbing it on your skin to stay young and healthy. Hey she smoked until she was 117 it must be healthy for you!) Of course the most creepiest thing about this is I hang around with teenagers (even people as young as 13 years old! Whoa!) But it's only because those ladies in the retirement homes think I'm too old and energetic for them... so you know, maybe I'll find someone who will at least last more than a decade to talk to... What's really annoying is that I don't even get a pension! What? That's an outrage! I'm the world's most beloved supercentarian! (I wonder if anyone will get that "Beloved" reference) I think there should be a word for people who live as long as I have... (superseptcentarian!)

The saddest thing is I'm 710 and it's taking me this long to get anywhere near graduating highschool... So much for taking history as a subject...

All my friends know that I, of course, am a vampire to explain the fact why I'm 710 and the only reason why I ever look different is because I grew a beard during the past year. Don't worry, I'm a nice vampire who doesn't go round killing people. I'd also like to point out that I'm not afraid of the cross but garlic is seriously NOT GOOD! BLEH! Urgh seriously that stuff is fowl. I once was talking on the phone while absent mindedly playing with a bit of garlic and then I took a little bite into it and AGH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! Nearly fell on the floor going quite insanely spastic. Spent half an hour drinking milk trying to get the horrible burning taste out of my mouth... so yes, vampires don't like garlic.

Well of course it makes sense that I'm the Poe Toaster! I knew the guy! You think I can't pay respects to an old friend? 200 years and it's still kinda sad he died at the ripe young age of 40...

Well now that it's crossed over past midnight and now it's the 21st I am now (well technically not really because I wasn't born at 12:15am...) 710 years old! And what am I going to do now that I'm so old and can now do practically anything I want? Well I'm going to eat a muffin of course! Mmm... midnight muffin :)

Goodnight loyal blog followers. A special mention to Michelle Philips who wanted to know why I go round parading as a 710 year old and now that I've finished my muffin I shall stop typing.