The Importance of Arbitrary Age Restrictions

Have you ever looked at a bottle of alcohol and thought to yourself "does it really matter that I'm a few days belong the legal drinking limit?" Many people do. After all, it's just a few days. You won't be any more developed to handle that alcohol in a few more days, you won't be any more responsible, you won't have changed at all. There is virtually no difference between you at age 17 years and 362 days and 18 years (or 20 years and 362 days and 21 if you live in America or any other place with a high drinking age).

So why not just break the law? Well... if you start thinking of it as "I'm only a few days younger... what's the difference?" then what's the difference between those few days and an extra few days? 360 is barely different from 362! But well 360 isn't so bad, so why not just 358? 354? 350? A week or two won't make any difference. Like a morbidly obese people who gives in to temptation to take that one cupcake out of a dozen, you're quickly on a slippery slope to having eaten all of them.

The truth is that this cut off of 18 (or 21) for drinking is arbitrary. What makes an 18 year old the best age for becoming an adult and doing things? I was 18 once. There was a party and then I got up the next day and did the same thing I did every day. I certainly feel like an adult and that seems to be a common thing for people. I'm 20 and still telling myself "you're an adult now, be responsible." But we all look at the age 18 for being an adult (let's move away from drinking because I don't want to keep saying (and 21), besides, this applies to other activities like sex or voting) and go "yeah, that's a good age. That age makes sense." Why though? 18 is still a teenager and teenagers are irresponsible idiots. Even the smart ones. If you don't think this is true, you're still a teenager. Just wait until you grow up and you'll look at teenagers and go "...surely I wasn't like that." No. No you were and you have to live with that.

We like the age 18 become we grew up as a culture with that number. Other cultures have different numbers and to us that seems strange, but the situation is the same from their side We're conditioned to believe that this is what adulthood is. Adulthood can be something completely different. It doesn't even need to be a number, it could be a thing earned after a specific task to prove you can be more than just a child.

Though the number itself is arbitrary it is not pointless. Alcohol is poison that damages the body and if you give it to someone young it can have a negative effect on their development. Of course being 18 doesn't mean alcohol is fine for you and you won't have any bad side effects, but your liver will be better developed for dealing with that alcohol. But surely a 21 year old would be better at handling alcohol? Surely a 22 year old... surely a 23 year old...

The same problem in reverse. But every body is different so what applies to one person at age 18 won't be the same for someone else.

Now we have this arbitrary number. Can we change it? No. Unlikely. Imagine being the age group that the age gets changed on... You're approaching your 18th, you're excited, you're finally going to be an adult with all the cool things adulthood brings (this individual is pretty naive) and then... Adulthood is now 19. Your friend, who is one year older than you, is now an adult for 2 years before you get to be one. People would get mad. People wouldn't understand why it changed because 18 was a fine number for them. It's always been 18! Even though the line is arbitrary and if you were to change it slightly it wouldn't matter... so why not do that?

You see, the line doesn't need to be perfectly justified and the best possible option, because that's ridiculous to try and get, varies, and is subject to debate. The line just needs to exist. We need a cut off age and stick to it otherwise you're just stretching at it further and further thinking "well it's not that much different..." until it's just ridiculous.

So just deal with it really. Waiting a few days won't kill you.

The Secret of My Age

To begin let me take a minute to mention I am turning 17 tomorrow. Or 710 depending on how you look at it. The past 17 years have been pretty good... I haven't died during them (despite my ability to find a way to electrocute myself on occasions...) so that's a bonus I guess. I've done a bunch of stupid things... and I don't plan on ever stopping doing them again and again :) (one of those involves finding ways to be electrocuted.)

Oh yes I also want to reveal to everyone that I am indeed the original Poe Toaster. How I have managed to do this from the comfort of my 3-story Australian mansion overlooking the sea without ever leaving the house is yet another mystery I will not reveal so easily.

Well, although on my current (note the fact I'm talking about my present one) Birth Certificate it says I'm turning 17 but on older documents it states that I am turning 710 tomorrow. I will spare no expense in the celebrations and on my party (taking place a week from tomorrow) I shall be having 710 candles on my birthday cake(s). (Woo! Thankyou Rayne! Yeah you rock!) I also should mention now that setting things on fire is much more fun then electrocuting them and I will (along with the surroundings) most likely get burnt so hoorah! It'll be one smashing birthday party with the finale taking place in the emergency room! :D

OK, a really cool retired columnist from The West has recently mentioned that she doesn't believe that I'm 709 years old at all. Why would she? It's not like that's actually believable (all of a sudden all my friends realise how dumb they are for taking me seriously...) but it is actually a true story.... in a sense. Well OK! Here is the story of my unusual supposed birthday. Here is the story of the secret behind my age:

My mother one day was filling out tax forms (as you scary adults do) and she completed it (as you scary adults do) and sent it off to wherever you send tax form things that you fill out (as you scary adults do). Now, keep in mind that she has three children at this point in time. I am 2 years old as you would assume by looking at me and I am the youngest of my siblings. We are all under 18 years of age (how many cats do we have?) so we're all "Dependants." The tax department writes back (because emails hadn't quite been invented back then) and complains about what my mother has tried to sell them. She doesn't have three dependants at all! She only has two! How dare she try to lie and say she has three! What? That doesn't make sense! What about little old me? I exist don't I? Short answer: Yes. I do. The tax department didn't care because I wasn't a dependant. Well the explanation is simple: Their computers had me in them but the birthdate wasn't 21st of March 1992 but 21st March 1299 instead.

So I'm apparently 693 years older than I look, 665 years older than my parents, born 602 years before the Federation of Australia, 471 years before Captain Cook sailed around the coast, 307 years before the Dutch even discovered the continent and I'm the first EVER White Australian and the world's oldest ever (non-biblical) person to live by 588 years! (But at least I was born about 20 years after the 9th crusade.) Man I'm so old... but I'm look absolutely fabulous for 710! I don't have any wrinkles or anything! (Moisturiser! Or you could always go the approach of the world's oldest ever woman who lived to 122 and smoke, eat chocolate and large amounts of olive oil while rubbing it on your skin to stay young and healthy. Hey she smoked until she was 117 it must be healthy for you!) Of course the most creepiest thing about this is I hang around with teenagers (even people as young as 13 years old! Whoa!) But it's only because those ladies in the retirement homes think I'm too old and energetic for them... so you know, maybe I'll find someone who will at least last more than a decade to talk to... What's really annoying is that I don't even get a pension! What? That's an outrage! I'm the world's most beloved supercentarian! (I wonder if anyone will get that "Beloved" reference) I think there should be a word for people who live as long as I have... (superseptcentarian!)

The saddest thing is I'm 710 and it's taking me this long to get anywhere near graduating highschool... So much for taking history as a subject...

All my friends know that I, of course, am a vampire to explain the fact why I'm 710 and the only reason why I ever look different is because I grew a beard during the past year. Don't worry, I'm a nice vampire who doesn't go round killing people. I'd also like to point out that I'm not afraid of the cross but garlic is seriously NOT GOOD! BLEH! Urgh seriously that stuff is fowl. I once was talking on the phone while absent mindedly playing with a bit of garlic and then I took a little bite into it and AGH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! Nearly fell on the floor going quite insanely spastic. Spent half an hour drinking milk trying to get the horrible burning taste out of my mouth... so yes, vampires don't like garlic.

Well of course it makes sense that I'm the Poe Toaster! I knew the guy! You think I can't pay respects to an old friend? 200 years and it's still kinda sad he died at the ripe young age of 40...

Well now that it's crossed over past midnight and now it's the 21st I am now (well technically not really because I wasn't born at 12:15am...) 710 years old! And what am I going to do now that I'm so old and can now do practically anything I want? Well I'm going to eat a muffin of course! Mmm... midnight muffin :)

Goodnight loyal blog followers. A special mention to Michelle Philips who wanted to know why I go round parading as a 710 year old and now that I've finished my muffin I shall stop typing.

Age Paradox

Hello! Hi how are you? Good? That's good... Oh I'm good too thanks for asking. Nothing much is happening you know... the usual. Yes I did go see Watchmen it was fantabulaurious... No that's not a real word. Why thankyou I think it's a nice made up word too. What's that? You think this one-sided conversation is boring? Well I don't care for your opinion you don't exist... and hence I'm talking to you so you can't disagree with me and call me names....

I'm ever so lonely...

Ahem. *cough* OK! Back to... reality... well. Actually yes, yes reality. Reality is what I wanted to talk to you all about today (agghhh!!! Reality!?) CALM DOWN RANDOM STRANGER! It's all right... Reality won't hurt you... unless reality materialises in the shape of a bus and runs you over in the street... buses are vicious like that and have been known to do so on occasion merely because the busdriver was bored. (They have a scoring system. The younger and more agile you are the more you're worth... whoever gets the most points gets rewarded with a bus with a radio and not many school children to pick up along it's ruite.) No OK maybe that's a bit too unrealistic (Everyone knows it's going to be me who runs you down mercilessly for fun. Mwahaha.) so anyhoo...

I am like the characters on The Simpsons. (HOW is that like reality!?) Well I'm glad you asked magical man who lives in the brackets. You see I'm like The Simpsons because of the time paradox they present. Homer was raised in the 60's had Bart when he was 18 and is now 40 years old with a 10 year old son even though he lives (currently) in 2009 and thus is kinda... not... really... physically possible. Grandpa Simpson is also randomly a survivor of WW1 on occasions but is normally just a WW2 veteran. Eventually he'll be 120 years old which will present a problem. How am I like this? Well I'm not really the same as them... other than I mess around with time and age. I'm 16 and 709 at the same time... and that's not even a creation of my own little universe that's according to the tax department (Who won't give me a PENSION!?) so it get's all really really confusing when I talk about being a teenager.... who is 709. I'm not actually a teenager then am I? I call myself a child when I'm a supercentarian! I won't be a teenager for another few years (actually when I'm 20 I'll be a teenager. Huh?) So there's that little time paradox of refering to myself as two different conflicting things at once...

But it makes for great jokes at parties... "I'm 709 and I STILL HAVEN'T BLOODY GRADUATED FROM HIGHSCHOOL!... I should've taken History as a subject I would be good at that...." But people rarely ever seem to get the whole "It's quite unfortunate that I'll never live to be 800..." and they'll look at me and go "Well of course you won't you idiot." (Well they would if I actually ever really said that to anyone who didn't know that I was a 709 year old man who is really 16 but looks 20 instead of just talking to myself like I do... as shown above...) "You're far too fat to live to 800..." So how now do I deal with this time paradox of me being an age that is actually much older but is treated all the same? (Well I act like a 14 year old instead of a 10 year old then don't I? No one on The Simpsons actually acts their age do they?) So from now on I'll be quite the 709 year old man I am and yell at you all for your miniskirts and your TV's and your rock music and your computers and your emails and your pet bunny rabbits and your "bawoons" and your made up words and your tatoos and your piercings and your run on sentences and your poor grammar and your over use of the word and and your lack of commas and your lack of purpose or direction or sense of self or idea of irony and your modern art and your pies.... that's right.... old people don't like pie! What are you going to do about it? (Die young?) Nothing of course! I'm too old to argue with! Mwahahahaha!

Now my explanation for my appearance at such an old age is I'm quite simply a vampire... (I've been a vampire for quite some time now and it's working out fine. I haven't died so I suppose I can't... that's terrible logic... "I've never gotten fat so I suppose I can't." or "I've never done anything stupid when I'm drunk so BRING ON ANOTHER ROUND! AGGHHHHH!!! MORE VODKA AND WINE AND.... WHAT IS THIS!?" "Brandy" "IT'S S***! MORE WINE! I'M CLASSY IF I DRINK WINE!" Which is quite good logic when you think about it because your vomit has such a better smell to it than that of one drenched in beer...) So maybe I should quite the whole being 709 thing and actually just pretend I'm normal like everyone else does.... I know you're all really a lot older than you say you are... none of my friends are 16 or 17. They're all 22 and live in houses with 60 year olds that put on make up to look 40 then complain that they look 40 because 40 is a terrible terrible age because it's the time when you get to complain that you're old and everyone thinks it's terrible because we're all really really young and stupid and actually think 40 is old when it's not! 70 is old... 80 is really really old. 90 is defying the laws of nature and there's probably dark magic involved in living that long. That or you've bribed the doctors to give you special air that helps you breath in the wasted life of teenagers who sit at their computers typing excessively long blogs about nothing.... But like I said you're all really older than you look so 90 really means 300 and then for some reason all the 15 year olds who pretended to be 20 (because they secretly ARE 20) jump out of nowhere and yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" at you and because you're so old and frail you go "AGH! SWEET HOLY S***! Why are all these people yelling at me? I don't remember going to Sparta why am I in Sparta? Have I ever been to Greece before? I don't think so... Hey wait, I wonder where all those strange young men went I have no idea where they are but apparently I'm in Sparta now..." and they're 300 years old and if they don't say that string of dialogue it means they've had a heart attack and are now dead. So it's absolutely terrible to be 90 years old and out of the loop in random popculture references. It must really suck aging if your future is going to be some random teenager with a bit of chin fluff randomly yelling loudly at you at random intervals a reference to a movie you've never seen... then they put on sunglasses and go "I'll be back." just before driving a large vehicle through the side of your house...

...yes... aging is just that scary... there's teenagers lurking out there with P-plates just ready to mow you down!!!

Now here's a sentence that will mess with your mind "When I'm 21 I would've recently just started being a teenager but if you put it into dog years I'll be nearly 5000." Which makes no sense unless you realise that 21=714=5000=your mind has now died.

I thought I was talking about reality but apparently not... you know I'd really like to go back in time. It'd be pretty neat to laugh at people and go "Hahaha you're going to be really old one day and this is the proof!" before showing them a snapshot of they're half-caved in house, a reversing four-wheel drive and them sitting up straight in bed, wrinkled, old, scared half to death yelling "WHERE AM I!?"

And then one day someone's going to do that to me when I'm 790 years old and then they'll be yelling "Suck my blood now old man!" before driving away in their hovercar (which will shortly malfunction and fall to a fiery grave on the side of the sub-city pavement thus making it hilarious for me as I cough up blood before dying of heart and lung failure because I laughed too hard...) and then the vicious cycle ends there because that person doesn't age any further...

I hope you enjoy the future :)

The Torments of Age

You know.... if only the things that happened to the aged would happen to the aged... not me.

OK, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button recently (very recently. In fact I saw it a few days ago on new years eve) and it was a movie that confronts the audience with the emotions associated with aging. Not only does one of the characters start disliking the fact that she's getting older but to rub it in and make her even more jealous is that Benjamin loses the wrinkles she gains. It was a very depressing movie at times but absolutely brilliant! I actually came close to tearing up (no where near crying though.... takes the death of someone for that...) because I really fear age. It's scary. I try not to think about how I am 16... nearly 17... I've been around for nearly 2 DECADES and I've only started really enjoying my life as much as I like. I've only started dating people... in another 20 years I won't be able to move around and do certain things I would be able to do in my youth. Youth is wasted on the young indeed. I fear getting older and dread the day I turn 40. I've got 20 years left before things start going south in the body department and 50 before they start going in the mind department. Scary to think about how little of my precious time I've used towards getting the career I want or being able to enjoy the prime of my youth because I'm not that fit and it's very depressing....

... so let's move on.... on to the present instead of the future. OK, the thing about age is that it's meant to happen to old people not me. I recently found a grey hair and it was a shock (I've still got the damn thing!) and I went on about how OLD I was becoming and all that. I realise now that a grey hair is irrelevant and not important........ especially not compared to being almost completely deaf!!! Yeah that's right. I may physically appear to be 16 (well actually I look between 18-20 according to lots of people....) but I'm getting rapidly closer to resembling being 709... grrr... but this time having the hearing of a 70 year old man is not natural but by my own hand....

Yeah... and this isn't the first time it's happened before but it's certainly the worst of all the times. OK, you know those cotton tip swab things that people use to clean out their ears? Well, only that people say now you shouldn't use them for that because they can damage your ears (Then why are still around? What do they do!?) and well.... they're right... everytime I've used them recently they have caused me to become deaf. I think this is the third time it's happened and it's taken me this long to realise that shoving things into my ears is a bad thing!!!

Warning: own stupidity and inability to realise that this product is not to be used may result in damage to ears or self-pride.

Now if that was on the label I would..... well, actually, maybe I still would use it! (Stupid warning labels can't boss ME around!) But it wasn't and I still used the stupid things and now I can't hear. I went outside and the trees were blowing in the wind.... the silent wind... As I walked I knew that I should be able to hear clearly my footsteps but I couldn't. I was surrounded by things that should make noise and there was nothing but the peaceful tranquility of nature.... even though the "nature" is just a small patch of sandunes that is surrounded by houses and the sounds of traffic are almost always audible to able-bodied people when walking up and down the dunes. I wanted to listen to music because silence bores me so I get earphones, turn the volume up to absolute maximum (which we all know from experience is very very loud!!) and it was like I was just listening to it at normal volume... maybe even slightly less.... and I don't listen to music that loudly. I've got the speakers going right now (not at max though) and it's barely even at background music levels... I dislike being deaf. Can't hear anyone when they talk to me and I keep thinking whenever I say something I'm being overly loud because I keep going "WHAT!?"

I sure hope this isn't permanent and goes away... my girlfriend talks quite softly and quietly most of the time and it's not easy to hear her when you tower a foot over her... being almost completely deaf will make it dificult to hear her without the aid of the "increase volume" button on the phone :P I view this as a very bad thing....

Hey will I get arthritist next? I've already got back pain and my neck is shot. I know for a fact my eyesight is destined to degrade to the point where I need glasses around the age of 20 to 30 so hey... I guess I'll just start acting old....

Oh no... a FOUR HOUR car ride without a single noise besides the faint hum of passing traffic! I wanted to listen to my favourite cello-metal bands on the way to Augusta but no! If it isn't fixed by then I'll be going there in silence! Why!?