Hello! Hi how are you? Good? That's good... Oh I'm good too thanks for asking. Nothing much is happening you know... the usual. Yes I did go see Watchmen it was fantabulaurious... No that's not a real word. Why thankyou I think it's a nice made up word too. What's that? You think this one-sided conversation is boring? Well I don't care for your opinion you don't exist... and hence I'm talking to you so you can't disagree with me and call me names....
I'm ever so lonely...
Ahem. *cough* OK! Back to... reality... well. Actually yes, yes reality. Reality is what I wanted to talk to you all about today (agghhh!!! Reality!?) CALM DOWN RANDOM STRANGER! It's all right... Reality won't hurt you... unless reality materialises in the shape of a bus and runs you over in the street... buses are vicious like that and have been known to do so on occasion merely because the busdriver was bored. (They have a scoring system. The younger and more agile you are the more you're worth... whoever gets the most points gets rewarded with a bus with a radio and not many school children to pick up along it's ruite.) No OK maybe that's a bit too unrealistic (Everyone knows it's going to be me who runs you down mercilessly for fun. Mwahaha.) so anyhoo...
I am like the characters on The Simpsons. (HOW is that like reality!?) Well I'm glad you asked magical man who lives in the brackets. You see I'm like The Simpsons because of the time paradox they present. Homer was raised in the 60's had Bart when he was 18 and is now 40 years old with a 10 year old son even though he lives (currently) in 2009 and thus is kinda... not... really... physically possible. Grandpa Simpson is also randomly a survivor of WW1 on occasions but is normally just a WW2 veteran. Eventually he'll be 120 years old which will present a problem. How am I like this? Well I'm not really the same as them... other than I mess around with time and age. I'm 16 and 709 at the same time... and that's not even a creation of my own little universe that's according to the tax department (Who won't give me a PENSION!?) so it get's all really really confusing when I talk about being a teenager.... who is 709. I'm not actually a teenager then am I? I call myself a child when I'm a supercentarian! I won't be a teenager for another few years (actually when I'm 20 I'll be a teenager. Huh?) So there's that little time paradox of refering to myself as two different conflicting things at once...
But it makes for great jokes at parties... "I'm 709 and I STILL HAVEN'T BLOODY GRADUATED FROM HIGHSCHOOL!... I should've taken History as a subject I would be good at that...." But people rarely ever seem to get the whole "It's quite unfortunate that I'll never live to be 800..." and they'll look at me and go "Well of course you won't you idiot." (Well they would if I actually ever really said that to anyone who didn't know that I was a 709 year old man who is really 16 but looks 20 instead of just talking to myself like I do... as shown above...) "You're far too fat to live to 800..." So how now do I deal with this time paradox of me being an age that is actually much older but is treated all the same? (Well I act like a 14 year old instead of a 10 year old then don't I? No one on The Simpsons actually acts their age do they?) So from now on I'll be quite the 709 year old man I am and yell at you all for your miniskirts and your TV's and your rock music and your computers and your emails and your pet bunny rabbits and your "bawoons" and your made up words and your tatoos and your piercings and your run on sentences and your poor grammar and your over use of the word and and your lack of commas and your lack of purpose or direction or sense of self or idea of irony and your modern art and your pies.... that's right.... old people don't like pie! What are you going to do about it? (Die young?) Nothing of course! I'm too old to argue with! Mwahahahaha!
Now my explanation for my appearance at such an old age is I'm quite simply a vampire... (I've been a vampire for quite some time now and it's working out fine. I haven't died so I suppose I can't... that's terrible logic... "I've never gotten fat so I suppose I can't." or "I've never done anything stupid when I'm drunk so BRING ON ANOTHER ROUND! AGGHHHHH!!! MORE VODKA AND WINE AND.... WHAT IS THIS!?" "Brandy" "IT'S S***! MORE WINE! I'M CLASSY IF I DRINK WINE!" Which is quite good logic when you think about it because your vomit has such a better smell to it than that of one drenched in beer...) So maybe I should quite the whole being 709 thing and actually just pretend I'm normal like everyone else does.... I know you're all really a lot older than you say you are... none of my friends are 16 or 17. They're all 22 and live in houses with 60 year olds that put on make up to look 40 then complain that they look 40 because 40 is a terrible terrible age because it's the time when you get to complain that you're old and everyone thinks it's terrible because we're all really really young and stupid and actually think 40 is old when it's not! 70 is old... 80 is really really old. 90 is defying the laws of nature and there's probably dark magic involved in living that long. That or you've bribed the doctors to give you special air that helps you breath in the wasted life of teenagers who sit at their computers typing excessively long blogs about nothing.... But like I said you're all really older than you look so 90 really means 300 and then for some reason all the 15 year olds who pretended to be 20 (because they secretly ARE 20) jump out of nowhere and yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" at you and because you're so old and frail you go "AGH! SWEET HOLY S***! Why are all these people yelling at me? I don't remember going to Sparta why am I in Sparta? Have I ever been to Greece before? I don't think so... Hey wait, I wonder where all those strange young men went I have no idea where they are but apparently I'm in Sparta now..." and they're 300 years old and if they don't say that string of dialogue it means they've had a heart attack and are now dead. So it's absolutely terrible to be 90 years old and out of the loop in random popculture references. It must really suck aging if your future is going to be some random teenager with a bit of chin fluff randomly yelling loudly at you at random intervals a reference to a movie you've never seen... then they put on sunglasses and go "I'll be back." just before driving a large vehicle through the side of your house...
...yes... aging is just that scary... there's teenagers lurking out there with P-plates just ready to mow you down!!!
Now here's a sentence that will mess with your mind "When I'm 21 I would've recently just started being a teenager but if you put it into dog years I'll be nearly 5000." Which makes no sense unless you realise that 21=714=5000=your mind has now died.
I thought I was talking about reality but apparently not... you know I'd really like to go back in time. It'd be pretty neat to laugh at people and go "Hahaha you're going to be really old one day and this is the proof!" before showing them a snapshot of they're half-caved in house, a reversing four-wheel drive and them sitting up straight in bed, wrinkled, old, scared half to death yelling "WHERE AM I!?"
And then one day someone's going to do that to me when I'm 790 years old and then they'll be yelling "Suck my blood now old man!" before driving away in their hovercar (which will shortly malfunction and fall to a fiery grave on the side of the sub-city pavement thus making it hilarious for me as I cough up blood before dying of heart and lung failure because I laughed too hard...) and then the vicious cycle ends there because that person doesn't age any further...
I hope you enjoy the future :)
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