711

OK to start off with, holy crud that was a lot of hail!!! I wish I had a camera at the time to show you all the massive golf ball sized hail stones that nearly broke our windows (and successfuly destroyed other people's) but I don't. Seriously it was scary standing near a window with the loud CRACK! and THUD!'s that were happening. They sounded like they would break any moment.

The lightning was awesome too. Worth standing in the rain to film it on my 15 year old camera. (I don't actually know how old it is specifically, but it's pretty ancient. Hey guys! Remember analogue? Exactly.) It's aged since it started off being hightech for home cameras...

And so have I! Wait, I'm not a camera. No, I mean I've aged since I started out... back in 1299... Well I'm now "711"! Or, 18, depending on how you look at it. If you're looking at it in the correct manner then yeah... 18. Well I turned 18 yesterday but had my party the day before that. Interesting isn't it? Let's all celebrate in the comments section! But really, my facebook wall was just littered with constant updates saying "Happy Birthday!" yesterday. It really never ended... until... today. Yeah!

Well now that I'm legally an adult, what will I do? What will I see? WILL I BE BLIND TOMORROW!????!!! Probably not... You know that feeling you get when you know you're turning 18 soon but not a few days beforehand? That sort of "Cool. I'll be 18. Will this be life changing?" and you think it's not that interesting as the day you turn 18 will just be a celebration (or in my case, writing an entire Essay due on Monday morning that I hadn't done the previous 5 weeks!) and so it's just this small sort of anticipation... and then near the time, it hits you. The bigger sudden realisation that makes you actually stop and go "WHOA!" I was on the train home from Uni on Thursday just talking to someone and suddenly I stop and go "....I'm turning 18 soon!" Yes. That's when it hit me. 3 days beforehand. Amazing isn't it? Now I'm 18... and so far this has included writing an entire essay... and playing Pokemon for nearly 6 hours. I got a DS lite for my birthday and Pokemon off my beloved Lorna! Yay! I'm going to catch 'em all and never ever grow up!

Adulthood so far, has rocked. I have a Kabuto that I traded off my brother and my Piplup evolved into a Prinplup! It's no longer as cute anymore... But I must stress that Bidoof just freaking plain sucks. I just... no! Stupid pokemon! You're incredibly ugly and useless in battle!

But OK, let's talk about my party. I had a purely %100 alcohol free party. By that I mean there wasn't any alcohol at all not that I provided booze for free. No one pukes on my lawn! Odd for an 18th I know, and it probably cost me a few guests... I invited like... 90... 98 to be exact. But I don't care. Because one) who the hell wants 90 people at their house!? two) Thinning the crowd leaves only the best. I got awesome people to attend, closest friends and not just any person I didn't think it would be weird talking to again (which was basically my idea when I invited people. "Hey it's an 18th! Let's invite everyone!"). So yes, I got about 20 of my dearest friends, a one tag along, to attend... and then forced them to play pass the parcel. Yes, I'm not quite giving up childhood easily but I'm sure one day I'll manage.

Pass the parcel! One of the most time consuming, messy, and hard to control games of all time. OK, I had this awesome idea of making pass the parcel with a twist to represent my transition from childhood to adulthood. It was basically pass the parcel only with little cards saying things like "TAXES!", "First Marriage", "First Divorce", "2nd Divorce", "4th or 5th Divorce. DAMN WOMAN TOOK MY MONEY!", "Baldness! Buy unrealistic looking toupee", "Prostate Exam", "Grandchildren", and the final prize was "Death". Grace got Death... along with a violet crumble. Damian got Grandchildren. Jack tried to swap him it for prostate exam, but Damian decided it was unwise. I agree with his descision there. Nina got baldness, but then stuck it to Kahkin's head.

The theme was mythical by the way! Oddly enough, half the people didn't dress up which was disappointing. Kahkin though did try, and came as a centaur. The back half of a centaur to be exact. Rear end of a centaur with baldness? That's interesting.



This isn't from the internet, that's actually what they did before coming to my party. They stopped nearby my house because they saw the sign and were like "We have to take a photo!"

I was dressed as Frodo. I thought it was a pretty reasonable costume for a day or two's work, and then Tash came in with a far superior costume... with a proper replica of the one ring on a proper chain instead of my copper ring I made in highschool years ago on a green piece of string, and even hairs drawn on her feet and a real waistcoat! Basically a very good costume. She won best dressed (which I technically judged, so no bitter feelings there as you can tell) but there were some other good costumes out there. Damian had a druid costume with runes and everything.

I didn't wear shoes because it was convenient and played nicely with the idea of being a hobbit.

My party was fun. I quite enjoyed it a lot more than the 18th's I've previously attended where people get drunk. But unfortunately there are two downsides to now being 18...

...One) I never got a chance to test my hypothesis that I look old enough with my beard, long hair and clear skin to go and buy alcohol without an ID. Two)... Well I've forgotten now. But I'm sure I'll remember.

Was it to do with an essay? I'm not sure. OK the day after my party was my actual birthday! And yeah, I spent the entire day writing and researching (in that order actually) an essay due the next day (today) because I hadn't done it previously. OK seriously, who spends their entire 18th birthday writing an essay? Ridiculous! I didn't even get to get heavily addicted to Pokemon platinum! I had to wait until today to do that and so a day and a half after getting the game I still haven't defeated two gym leaders! That's just sad... so sad... someone comfort me!

I guess the train ride to uni tomorrow will be ample time to train my Pokemon!

Oh you poor older people... fear the future where the most recent generation of adults still talk about Pokemon! Doesn't that scare you? A world where people will have the ability to name 495 (Soon to be probably 600) Pokemon species but won't be able to spell properly due to MSN speak and the internet... (Btw mah essai ws abut culd teh wrld funcshun wifout teh internetz. Ironic that I spent my entire time on the internet researching this?)

I'm an adult now. Are you scared?

...you should be.

It makes my parents feel so incredibly old having 3 adult children now. Haha.

The Secret of My Age

To begin let me take a minute to mention I am turning 17 tomorrow. Or 710 depending on how you look at it. The past 17 years have been pretty good... I haven't died during them (despite my ability to find a way to electrocute myself on occasions...) so that's a bonus I guess. I've done a bunch of stupid things... and I don't plan on ever stopping doing them again and again :) (one of those involves finding ways to be electrocuted.)

Oh yes I also want to reveal to everyone that I am indeed the original Poe Toaster. How I have managed to do this from the comfort of my 3-story Australian mansion overlooking the sea without ever leaving the house is yet another mystery I will not reveal so easily.

Well, although on my current (note the fact I'm talking about my present one) Birth Certificate it says I'm turning 17 but on older documents it states that I am turning 710 tomorrow. I will spare no expense in the celebrations and on my party (taking place a week from tomorrow) I shall be having 710 candles on my birthday cake(s). (Woo! Thankyou Rayne! Yeah you rock!) I also should mention now that setting things on fire is much more fun then electrocuting them and I will (along with the surroundings) most likely get burnt so hoorah! It'll be one smashing birthday party with the finale taking place in the emergency room! :D

OK, a really cool retired columnist from The West has recently mentioned that she doesn't believe that I'm 709 years old at all. Why would she? It's not like that's actually believable (all of a sudden all my friends realise how dumb they are for taking me seriously...) but it is actually a true story.... in a sense. Well OK! Here is the story of my unusual supposed birthday. Here is the story of the secret behind my age:

My mother one day was filling out tax forms (as you scary adults do) and she completed it (as you scary adults do) and sent it off to wherever you send tax form things that you fill out (as you scary adults do). Now, keep in mind that she has three children at this point in time. I am 2 years old as you would assume by looking at me and I am the youngest of my siblings. We are all under 18 years of age (how many cats do we have?) so we're all "Dependants." The tax department writes back (because emails hadn't quite been invented back then) and complains about what my mother has tried to sell them. She doesn't have three dependants at all! She only has two! How dare she try to lie and say she has three! What? That doesn't make sense! What about little old me? I exist don't I? Short answer: Yes. I do. The tax department didn't care because I wasn't a dependant. Well the explanation is simple: Their computers had me in them but the birthdate wasn't 21st of March 1992 but 21st March 1299 instead.

So I'm apparently 693 years older than I look, 665 years older than my parents, born 602 years before the Federation of Australia, 471 years before Captain Cook sailed around the coast, 307 years before the Dutch even discovered the continent and I'm the first EVER White Australian and the world's oldest ever (non-biblical) person to live by 588 years! (But at least I was born about 20 years after the 9th crusade.) Man I'm so old... but I'm look absolutely fabulous for 710! I don't have any wrinkles or anything! (Moisturiser! Or you could always go the approach of the world's oldest ever woman who lived to 122 and smoke, eat chocolate and large amounts of olive oil while rubbing it on your skin to stay young and healthy. Hey she smoked until she was 117 it must be healthy for you!) Of course the most creepiest thing about this is I hang around with teenagers (even people as young as 13 years old! Whoa!) But it's only because those ladies in the retirement homes think I'm too old and energetic for them... so you know, maybe I'll find someone who will at least last more than a decade to talk to... What's really annoying is that I don't even get a pension! What? That's an outrage! I'm the world's most beloved supercentarian! (I wonder if anyone will get that "Beloved" reference) I think there should be a word for people who live as long as I have... (superseptcentarian!)

The saddest thing is I'm 710 and it's taking me this long to get anywhere near graduating highschool... So much for taking history as a subject...

All my friends know that I, of course, am a vampire to explain the fact why I'm 710 and the only reason why I ever look different is because I grew a beard during the past year. Don't worry, I'm a nice vampire who doesn't go round killing people. I'd also like to point out that I'm not afraid of the cross but garlic is seriously NOT GOOD! BLEH! Urgh seriously that stuff is fowl. I once was talking on the phone while absent mindedly playing with a bit of garlic and then I took a little bite into it and AGH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! Nearly fell on the floor going quite insanely spastic. Spent half an hour drinking milk trying to get the horrible burning taste out of my mouth... so yes, vampires don't like garlic.

Well of course it makes sense that I'm the Poe Toaster! I knew the guy! You think I can't pay respects to an old friend? 200 years and it's still kinda sad he died at the ripe young age of 40...

Well now that it's crossed over past midnight and now it's the 21st I am now (well technically not really because I wasn't born at 12:15am...) 710 years old! And what am I going to do now that I'm so old and can now do practically anything I want? Well I'm going to eat a muffin of course! Mmm... midnight muffin :)

Goodnight loyal blog followers. A special mention to Michelle Philips who wanted to know why I go round parading as a 710 year old and now that I've finished my muffin I shall stop typing.

The Torments of Age

You know.... if only the things that happened to the aged would happen to the aged... not me.

OK, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button recently (very recently. In fact I saw it a few days ago on new years eve) and it was a movie that confronts the audience with the emotions associated with aging. Not only does one of the characters start disliking the fact that she's getting older but to rub it in and make her even more jealous is that Benjamin loses the wrinkles she gains. It was a very depressing movie at times but absolutely brilliant! I actually came close to tearing up (no where near crying though.... takes the death of someone for that...) because I really fear age. It's scary. I try not to think about how I am 16... nearly 17... I've been around for nearly 2 DECADES and I've only started really enjoying my life as much as I like. I've only started dating people... in another 20 years I won't be able to move around and do certain things I would be able to do in my youth. Youth is wasted on the young indeed. I fear getting older and dread the day I turn 40. I've got 20 years left before things start going south in the body department and 50 before they start going in the mind department. Scary to think about how little of my precious time I've used towards getting the career I want or being able to enjoy the prime of my youth because I'm not that fit and it's very depressing....

... so let's move on.... on to the present instead of the future. OK, the thing about age is that it's meant to happen to old people not me. I recently found a grey hair and it was a shock (I've still got the damn thing!) and I went on about how OLD I was becoming and all that. I realise now that a grey hair is irrelevant and not important........ especially not compared to being almost completely deaf!!! Yeah that's right. I may physically appear to be 16 (well actually I look between 18-20 according to lots of people....) but I'm getting rapidly closer to resembling being 709... grrr... but this time having the hearing of a 70 year old man is not natural but by my own hand....

Yeah... and this isn't the first time it's happened before but it's certainly the worst of all the times. OK, you know those cotton tip swab things that people use to clean out their ears? Well, only that people say now you shouldn't use them for that because they can damage your ears (Then why are still around? What do they do!?) and well.... they're right... everytime I've used them recently they have caused me to become deaf. I think this is the third time it's happened and it's taken me this long to realise that shoving things into my ears is a bad thing!!!

Warning: own stupidity and inability to realise that this product is not to be used may result in damage to ears or self-pride.

Now if that was on the label I would..... well, actually, maybe I still would use it! (Stupid warning labels can't boss ME around!) But it wasn't and I still used the stupid things and now I can't hear. I went outside and the trees were blowing in the wind.... the silent wind... As I walked I knew that I should be able to hear clearly my footsteps but I couldn't. I was surrounded by things that should make noise and there was nothing but the peaceful tranquility of nature.... even though the "nature" is just a small patch of sandunes that is surrounded by houses and the sounds of traffic are almost always audible to able-bodied people when walking up and down the dunes. I wanted to listen to music because silence bores me so I get earphones, turn the volume up to absolute maximum (which we all know from experience is very very loud!!) and it was like I was just listening to it at normal volume... maybe even slightly less.... and I don't listen to music that loudly. I've got the speakers going right now (not at max though) and it's barely even at background music levels... I dislike being deaf. Can't hear anyone when they talk to me and I keep thinking whenever I say something I'm being overly loud because I keep going "WHAT!?"

I sure hope this isn't permanent and goes away... my girlfriend talks quite softly and quietly most of the time and it's not easy to hear her when you tower a foot over her... being almost completely deaf will make it dificult to hear her without the aid of the "increase volume" button on the phone :P I view this as a very bad thing....

Hey will I get arthritist next? I've already got back pain and my neck is shot. I know for a fact my eyesight is destined to degrade to the point where I need glasses around the age of 20 to 30 so hey... I guess I'll just start acting old....

Oh no... a FOUR HOUR car ride without a single noise besides the faint hum of passing traffic! I wanted to listen to my favourite cello-metal bands on the way to Augusta but no! If it isn't fixed by then I'll be going there in silence! Why!?

Let us Glomp the Heathens!

Glomping. Google it. Nasty. Anyhoo, my mother is a christian and so am I but I just don't really go to church too often (Maybe if I was awake early enough to get ready? Also maybe if teachers didn't give me so much homework? Yeah, that's right, homework and academic achievement is causing our children to burn in hell :) Yay for good report cards! :P High maths scores aren't just completely pointless but satanic too!) so she's decided to find a church that's convinient to go to and she thought she had found one (It had teenagers in the pictures on the website! Teenagers!) so we basically drive along towards it and she forces me to read the road map (Bah! Maps... also spawn of satan) and in the end we get there 10 minutes early. Now this is apparently a bad thing according to my devout christian mother because we're new to this church. Unless you haven't noticed: being early to a new church is very very bad because people apparently will try to talk to you! (gasp! :O! But... part of the reason was so I would talk to people... teenagers! Instead of the two score of octegenarians in our other church) So my mother really didn't want to go inside for 10 minutes because they'll just flock to us noobs (Noob alert! Preparing to save...) and try to welcome us and get involved and socialise and worst of all... try to save us! If we went in 10 minutes early we'd be glomped by baptists trying to convert us to something we already were part of so my mother solution to learning new faces: Continue driving down the road. Now this would be a good idea if the road didn't connect to a highway... a long highway where you can't turn around... so we went down it, we passed some really old houses from collonial times, we kept going, we passed another church and eventually managed to turn around and find our way back to the church with no time to spare. Perfect! Punctuality saves us from hell.... and people... Well while driving around we had our fun avoiding Christians and joking around about what we would say if they tried to talk to us to see if we were christians. The favourites included: "Hey want to go get mass married with 100 strangers with me next weekend?" and "Praise Allah!" just to see the reactions we would get :D Anyhoo, we go inside and only one person tries talking to us on the way in before we sit down and church starts. About 2 hours (or most likely longer according to what it felt like) we leave and some random old person asks my mother if she'd mind her taking my curls. Yeah, old people are jealous of my hair, sorry but it's true! Older women totally dig my lucious thick red curls and untameable hair :D Just.... I don't share a mutual affection for their gray strands that are loosely scattered on their heads... But yeah, people seriously adore my hair... mainly older women like those at church, used car saleswomen (crazy used car saleswomen...) and school gardners but the occasional younger woman falls for my physical charm ;) (Because my hair is so totally smexier than thou) Anyhoo, after a very brief conversation basically telling her that NO! NO she may NOT have my hair! (As clearly stated and conveyed when I replied "no" to her question "Doesn't it frustrate you when it gets knotted?") we left and instead of finding a more convinient church to go to, my mother basically decides that, even though the idea was to get my and my siblings opinion on the church, she doesn't like the church because the guy giving the sermon talked nonstop without making a point. OK so apparently my occasional thoughts drifting off to something else for a moment (like "what happened to the baby that was right infront of me 10 minutes ago? The mother walked away with it then came back without it and now it's gone...") before snapping back to what he was saying weren't the thing stopping me from understand what life guards at the beach had to do with Moses fleeing egypt and seeing a burning bush. Moses was in a tidal rip which caused him to go out of egypt and then the burning bush was a man dressed in yellow and red and then we realise why we need God in everyday life... if that makes sense then congratulations! I'll see you in heaven... in the meantime my theologean mother says that he kept talking without getting anywhere and we're never going back there again.

And that is the story... of how we nearly got glomped by christians...

... oh yeah then we went home and ate pancakes. It was fun.... yep... I just thought I'd say that because it's about as useful to you knowing that as it is to know that going to church may cause high risk levels of people trying to talk to you.

Oh yeah... plus the internet lied... it was still full of old people with very very few people my age... so that's where old people congegrate when the suns out! :O Churches! (Because zombies can't get in to feast on the old people flesh)