Why I Keep Embarrassing Blog Archives

"Once it's on the internet it's there forever" is probably your parents favourite misguided impression of how the internet actually works. See it's only there forever if you're popular enough to have things copied and pasted then stolen and put on 9gag. (I hate 9gag so much for stealing my art but that's another story). See if you're relatively unknown like me, despite having a steady internet presence since 2008, people don't notice or remember thing things you used to do only what you're doing now. Even then not everyone notices. I could delete a lot of this blog and I'm guessing a lot of people wouldn't notice, and even if they did there'd be no way for them to recover those missing posts for their own purposes.

Once they're gone, they're gone. Even for me. Sometimes that's probably for the best... who wants to re-read the poorly spelt sentences that start off with lowercase letters that talk about inane "random" things that my teenage self was interested in? Hopefully no one. But I might one day...

I keep things around. I keep up old videos that I wouldn't dare show any of my friends because I wrote and filmed them when I was 15 years old. I don't tell anyone about my blogs that I have long since disused... but they're there. Floating around in cyberspace, waiting to be seen again by me in the future like old photo albums left in pristine condition. No dust needs to be brushed off, just a few keys to be pressed to be treated to old memories immortalised (until I kill it) in text.

Partly because of the nostalgia value because re-reading an old blog helps me remember some event I'd completely forgotten and it's like discovering buried treasure in my mind. Partly because what I've made over the years is the only good way to really measure my progress as a person.

This blog has changed over the years from personal posts about my day like a diary, to comedic posts designed for no reason outside of quick laughs, to being treated like it does or doesn't have an audience, to tackling big ideas and thoughts as well as the former. My writing has improved, my expression has improved (I hope, though I'm not sure here is where thoughts go to be expressed in their finality but to be drafted and so forgive me if the things I say aren't quite developed) and the themes that I write about in my blog are more diverse. This demonstrates how I've changed intellectually, it also charts my changing interests, how I think differently. Blogs aren't just diaries, they're archives of the development of person.

Even if no one reads this blog I can still come back and cringe over the spelling mistakes and be comforted that because I cringe I have changed into a person who has reason to cringe. I've improved. Each post, whatever it is, is a message in a virtual bottle dropped in the sea of life to be found again one day by the future me so I can read it and remember who I used to be.

I hope future me is happy. Present you is. Past you was a doofus and you probably think present me is too... but you can see I'm getting better. I have to be. One day I'll become you.

Computers Run but they Can't Hide

"Mummm......... the computer is broken..." I say after many attempts to reformat/turn on/restart the computer in my room that led to failure.
And so starts the journey of how we got not only one brand new computer but two. Not for me though. We get a brand new desktop computer that looks seriously shiny and made of ownage compared to the outdated computer's we've previous had. Thankfully I get the old computer we had to share as a family (and now no one can complain about how I take up %50 of the harddrive when I'm only %17 of the family) and my mother got a brand new laptop because her old one died.
Well because we now have a new computer we can get rid of the old one we had and give it to you know: Me! Well I was certain some of the files I had contained a virus or two I didn't want to give to the brand new computer so I decided not to transfer any of my files until I had sorted through them. Simple enough... not going to reformat the computer just delete stuff off it. I decide to set up the computer in my room so I'm plug it in, turn it on and notice the mouse doesn't work so I decide to check the back to see if I've plugged everything in right... and I see this very very tiny black switch hidden near the power supply with the number "230" on it.

I flicked it.

The computer blew up.

SPARKS! SMOKE! BURNING! WHAT!? AGH!

*Jumps for the off switch*

AAAGGHHH! It blew up! What? What? Aww...

OK, so then I left it alone for a bit... then tried to turn it back on. Nothing happened. I tried later and it still wouldn't turn on. Leaving it alone didn't heal it, it was dead.

"Mummm... I blew up the computer...."

Well, my brother needed to fix it of course:
"OK don't worry, I think I fixed it. I plugged in a new power thing so it turns on... I don't know if it works yet because nothing else is plugged in. Also, the previous power thing plugged into here... but there's nothing on this one that plugs into there... So it might not work at all. I don't know what it does..."
"...."
Guess what the turn out was? It didn't work!

Nope. Still nothing. We cannabalised my old old computer that stopped booting up and even tried to hook the harddrive to it to no avail. Unfortunately the computer I had only owned for 5 minutes had died quite permanently.

I remember last time my computer stopped working I went to my friends house and got him to connect my harddrive to his computer and copy everything! Awesome! Well I go to his house after piano lessons, hook up the harddrive and then discover something very very bad....

I LOST EVERYTHING!

Irrecoverable. Irrecoverable? Unrecoverable.... CAN'T. GET. BACK. EVER! The harddrive was fried. I really had killed it. Nothing on it was accessable and that was very very unfortunate...

So... much... so... many documents. Sure, I had backed up my illegal copy of Speed Racer with German/Dutch subtitles! WOW! Aren't I glad for that? No. I had backed up some of my youtube videos but none of my flash animations I had been working on. I also lost tons of stories, scripts. notes and even half a dozen peoples phone numbers and addresses. (yeah, I keep them in notepad files. They don't take up much space...) I am quite annoyed...

But don't worry! Because thanks to some of my wonderful friends I have replaced SOME of my missing documents! :) Which I will now share with you... in what I call "Nostalgia 3: Getting old doesn't mean I'm getting smarter"

(Mulder has recently awoken to discover that his partner Scully - named "Shrimpy" because he has no other way of remembering her other than her sheer littlness - has been kidnapped by a psychopath with a fetish for make up)

Mulder was running along the streets yelling at random people.

Mulder: Are you a psychopath? Where’s Shrimpy!? Can anyone tell me the way to Albuquerque? Where can I find my partner? Are aliens hiding in your basement? Why is everyone running away from me?

Mulder sat down on a bench exhausted. He looked over to the person next to him. The person next to him looked back and waved and took a puff from his cigar.

Cigar smoking man: So Mulder… you want information about your partner, aliens and Albuquerque?

Mulder: Yes. How did you know?

Cigar smoking man: It’s amazing what I can find out when I turn my hearing aid on.

Mulder: Interesting… tell me more of this… hearing aid…

Cigar smoking man: In due time young one. But know I must show you something very special.

Mulder gasped and smiled.

Cigar smoking man: That’s right… a map!

Mulder frowned.

Mulder: Oh… ok then… map yeah ok… map.

Cigar smoking man: Now see how we’re here? Yes well if you go this way along this road you can get to Albuquerque.

Mulder: Ooohh! Maaapp!

Cigar smoking man: Yes, very good. Now as for the rest of the things you want I can’t help you with.

Cigar smoking man stood up to leave but Mulder grabbed him.

Mulder: Mulder want map!

Cigar smoking man: Uh… look over there while I run away!

The man pointed at the ground and Mulder instantly started staring. Meanwhile the man escaped down the street and around the corner. Mulder continued staring at the ground.

Nostalgia prt 2 ('Cause 1 isn't enough!)

Terminator Parody extract:



Meanwhile, a blonde girl materialised in the middle of the street. This caused Sarah to swerve into her in an attempt to kill as many people as possible. This only caused injury to the car.
Blonde: Whoa! What have I been smoking?
The woman walked away with a dazed look on her face.
Sarah: What a strange woman… I wonder if she’ll join my book club…
Reece: This isn’t the time or place! Our car has just been semi-destroyed and we’ve got a Terminator on our tail!
Janitor: Don’t worry I can fix it!
Sarah: Janitor! You can fix cars!
Janitor: Yes! I’m a janitor/nightclub owner/mechanic/stalker!
Sarah: What’s a nightclub and can you fix the car?
Janitor: Yes.
Sarah: Nightclub… yes… hmm…

OK now imagine that sort of thing....

... only FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO PAGES OF IT! Yeah sounds like a pointless waste of time to have accumulated that much randomness right?... Yeah I wrote that... I wrote 422 pages of scripts and stories (and even a few song parodies) in the past year and a half. How on earth did I have the time? Well no one can really answer that question... Not even me really... and I wrote them all. I have collected a manifesto of old projects of mine, some completed, some finished a few paragraphs into them, all of them bizarre attempts to be funny... none of them written with any proper script formatting. Now really when you think about it that's kind of impressive writing 422 pages worth of comedy... until you realise it's all just weird stuff that occasionally gets so unusual people will just stare blankly before throwing beer bottles at my head... not empty ones that wouldn't as much but FULL beer bottles with lots of weight in the through... which reminds me...

Tricia: stop it! You know his feelings are delicate!
Zaphod: I wish his skull were delicate so the beer bottles I constantly throw at him will break his face!
Marvin: why don’t you drink the beer before you throw at me instead of after! I’m the one that has to clean your spit off the floor!
Zaphod: why don’t you shut up!
Marvin: because I’m not program-
Zaphod: shut up!

Zaphod threw a beer bottle at Marvin.

Bonus cookie points for those who can realise the blatently obvious (As in what that is a parody of... as in what masterfully written, brilliant and wonderful english comedy have I taken and torn to shreds into a pool of gibberish and repeditive crude jokes about how much people smell, hate each other and how everyone's a complete idiot... especially the person who wrote it) But where does all this idiotic nonsense come from? Well to be honest... it's how my mind works really. Because I don't think when I write these sorts of things... I go in with a basic plan (And sometimes no plan at all) and it just develops. Now this is fine and all but I get dragged down with long strings of nonsensical dialogue (In the longest thing I've written which was designed to be a feature film for my youtube channel the characters constantly bring this point up saying "Shut up! You seem to keep interupting me with long dialogue so the plot won't progress!" so really it's like they've broken the 4th wall... but other parts of it also try to re-establish the wall which sounds quite interesting... but it's not...) and I really sometimes take too long to develop plot... when really the long lines of nonsensical drivel is what inspires the plot. Somehow I start with a joke about someone having no friends into an epic story of conspiracies and evil clones and satanic deals with the devil and Australian parliament... It's just how my mind writes things... it just keeps talking and talking and I never make a second draft and then I go "This is now my funny thing!... Laugh..." and so there's dozens of scripts I've never made into anything because quite frankly... A lot aren't that good. Here is an example of how my mind develops plot from randomness:

Midget: Hello.
It giggled.
Mulder: Hi! I’m Mulder! Here’s a card with my address, pin number and workplace number on!
Mulder handed the midget a card and it grabbed it. It giggled.
Midget: Hehe… boom!
Mulder: So what’s your name?
Midget: Fire! Burn orphans burn! Ah ha ha ha!
Mulder: Nice to meet you too!
Captain: (over speaker) This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts while we prepare for take off. Thankyou that is all.
Mulder fastened his seatbelt.
Mulder: Aren’t you going to fasten your seat belt?
Midget: Mwahaha! Aeroplane!
Mulder: Ah! Of course how stupid of me!

The midget giggled and the plane started to take off.

Well you see the midget was previously stated to be a pyromaniac which then causes him to blow up the planes engines which then makes the plane to crash into a secret government base in the ocean (I think atlantic...) where Mulder meets the man who is paying off some guy who has kidnapped scully and then subsequently saves the day... somehow... I forgot how he gets back to America but he blows stuff up as he does this. Hoorah! Oh yeah plus I totally parody Saw in that too... Oh yeah, plus all my characters seem to become drooling idiots... it's the only reason why anything ever happens... because no one is stupid enough to just stop and go "This... is stupid... I'm going home" I also think it might be because characters can only display intelligence lower or equal to the writer... hmm... nah :P Anyhoo, I write nonstop nothingness (as demonstrated in this blog) so who knows... in another year I'll have another 400 pages of weirdness to show you?

Here is an extract from wikipedia:

Steven Cummer, from Duke University's Pratt School of Engineering, said, "These are higher energy gamma rays than come from the sun. And yet here they are coming from the kind of terrestrial thunderstorm that we see here all the time."

Think about it...

Hehehe... Pratt school :P

CB the Movie Extract:

Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…

(Pause)

Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Nostalgia

Note: This has a point (for once) and if you get bored skip to the bottom to find out the point. Thankyou I hope you enjoy the hell that I've prepared for you! mwahahaha you have to read my blog now or I eat your soul...

Yeah have you ever decided that when your personal documents folder is over 50 gig when you're in a family of 6 and the entire "My Documents" folder is only 86 gig large and the computer is running out of space (mainly because of YOU! You're a hoarder! stop hoarding bytes!) and you've got over 9000 files alone... you kinda need to start clearing out the junk? Especially when 1000 of those are lolcat pictures? (I'm kidding I love my 1000 lolcat pictures I want to be a crazy cat lady when I grow up... and so does my girlfriend :P) Yeah then you decide to go through your junk and get rid of a few things that you don't need anymore and you're never going to read or produce or even look at because they remind you so much of what Goth Whitlam did to the economy you just feel like setting things on fire? yeah... yeah I don't... understand that last one but I have so much junk and I don't even know how I got 9000+ files but ok I do. Some of these files are really old... I have pictures of Neopets and I don't even go on Neopets and haven't in many many years...

Oh well, I don't even remember why but I decided to go through my word files (oh yes! That's it was trying to find a novel I was writing and wanted to write some more but can't be bothered now) and discovered an old piece of... well gibberish really that I wrote ages ago it says "last modified 16th July 2006" which means it's older than that because I remember modifying it quite a while after making it. Well it too was once a story like everything else in my head but it soon became too hard to salvage what I had written into anything with an actual story or substance (and keep in mind I wrote this when I was 13 as a joke therefore now real effort was put into it plus... I was 13.... if a 13 year old can't be bothered putting effort into it then you know it's bad) but it was funny at the time to me so I kept it... and I've kept it all these years. It is truly one of the weirdest things I have ever written since my 72 page Lord Of The Rings parody which is complete and utter gibberish with plot twists you'll never see coming including the ressurection of Alf, an invasion of Middle Earth by a Duck no one can see besides the alien mutant space monkeys and then there's the fact that all the characters are drug addicted weirdo's especially Legolas that is now a raging psychopath who team kills for fun if there's not enough enemies around to satisfy is raging bloodlust! Yes.... I recently read it and seeing how it is kinda amusing I thought I'd share it with you today just so you know that you're WASTING YOUR LIFE people! Coming to a mere child for entertainment you're all SICK! Especially you! Yeah you know who I'm talking about... and by the way I'm glad you're keeping your hair that length it looks good on you...

Anyhoo this is entitled The History of Fire and Flight by... me! (Yeah nice try stalkers) and if anyone is currently trying to research the actual history of flight (because who researches the history of fire?) then I'm sorry... please pretend you're doing work by reading my blog... It's only fair that I try entertaining you when you've tried so hard to make it look like you haven't got everything off Wikipedia and are googling things and found this.... and please remember I was very young and I do actually have writing and comedic talent... I just choose not to show it for the sake of you lesser people :P mwahahaha!... I've been told my... emails can be amusing sometimes :(

HISTORY OF FIRE AND FLIGHT!

Since the dawn of time, (6:42am) man has been fascinated with shiny things, and flight. Join me as I go through the history of this fascination…

Shiny things have interesting and amused people across the globe for all eternity. It all started in biblical times when the Earth was created and man discovered the first shiny object… fire. Fire was untouchable; all those who tried got severely burnt.
Later, the idea of touching fire was abandoned for a safer and shiner substance… metal.
Metal was a nice and hard shiny thing, also good for killing people. Humans nearly died out over night.
More metals were found and one day, the greatest invention of all time was invented… the buffer. This buffer could re-shine un-shiny metals! Its inventor was considered a god and one day fell off a cliff.
That concludes the history of shiny things.
Flight. That has a longer and more realistic history. It all started one day in a November. A man woke up and decided I’ll jump off my cliff and flap my arms! He was considered a genius at the time.
He was never found, so they assumed that his flapping worked.
The human race almost became extinct overnight… again.
Later, man decided that you needed wings to fly. There where wrong of course, but if cameras had been invented back then than they could of one a prize on whatever country they’re from “funniest videos show”. But the camera hadn’t so they had to find an unfunded way to learn to fly.
They put wings on bikes. Then they rode off cliffs. By that time the cliff was rapidly becoming a hill. (Half rock and half bodies)
Then one-day, people all of a sudden got smart, and invented a plane.
Soon, people didn’t care about flying through air anymore. They wanted to explode in space! The final frontier! The greatest place a man can die! The easiest place to clean up the mess! So they threw away their bikes, fake wings and cliffs. The race to the moon began. Some people didn’t quite understand the “race” part thought it involved running so they ran up ramps and over spare cliffs that they found at the rubbish dump.
The human race almost died out overnight, again.
But some people were not as stupid as the general population and invented the rocket. But this didn’t compensate for the fact that there’s no air in space. The military closed the books on this one and no one ever spoke of it again. Then one day they built a second rocket that succeeded in taking living things up and back from space alive. This disappointed many of the suicidal population and so they decided to kill themselves because their right to kill themselves had been taken away.
Man was now smart and could go anywhere between here and the moon. But that wasn’t good enough, man wanted to touch the stars. (The stars are after all shiny) Then they remembered their ancestors and fire… shiny fire… that was shiny… ooh… shiny…
If only if they had learned from fire…

Fire has forced people to learn. Unless they are REALLY thick and just keep touching it over and over again until they have no hands left. Then they use their arms and then their shoulders and eventually face but you would probably be dead by then so always try it in a government building if you feel the urge to touch fire constantly. After all… I don’t know where I’m going with this… back to flying. Now that we’ve got rockets that can take us to the moon we just have to find a way to make them go even further.
This can be achieved by putting even more (HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE) rocket fuel in the rockets.
People like HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE materials. Especially when they have nice big red signs above them telling that they are HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE and DANGEROUS! DO NOT TOUCH! But they soon change those signs from being a warning sign to the next satellite orbiting the earth. This tends to make those people at NASA very upset. That rocket fuel had a wife and kids!
BOOM!
Not anymore…
The point is… ok let me rephrase that…………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………… things go boom… and then people… die… yeah… that’s it.. That’s…. the point I’m trying to get through….. People die a lot…. Yeah… not because of me in any way….

So flight and shiny things are interconnected in a complex way that I haven’t explained at all and if you feel the urge to jump off a cliff you will join the ranks of those who made the first step (and long fall) to flight (or… another way how NOT to fly) and you will always be remembered as some random idiot that went crazy and killed himself… unless of course no one actually knows who you are and then you’re just some random idiot but at least it’ll FEEL like you’re flying until you go splat and there goes your chance of being Jewish. You won’t be in one piece now!



Now for some subliminal messages….
(This jump is not off a subliminal cliff message)
(Don’t start JUMPING OFF CLIFFS because it IS not FUN!)
JUMP! You know you want to….


I do not condone violent or suicidal behaviour in any way and JUMPing OFF CLIFFS ISn’t my idea of FUN…. Thankyou for reading this… no one else did… you are weird you know that?


----

OK! Yes... I'm... leaving now and oh wow that was a fascinating little look at the me that once was (hello past me! Can't get a girlfriend can you? :P nyah nyah nyah! I can... I'm awesome girl's like me... sometimes.... when I'm not drunk) and yes OK as you can see I was weird back then just as I am now but you see I like looking back at me sometimes and you should too (looking back at yourselves not back at me when I was a child that's creepy... stop stalking me from the past just because it's a fantasy that crosses time doesn't make it right!) because it's interesting to see how we develop and obviously back then I didn't have much of a complex grasp on humour... my ideas are simplistic (yet sadistic, oh I like that :P) and somewhat repeditive I look back on this and the only thing I find funny is the explosions and the constant extinction of the human race and sometimes repeating yourself can be funny in this case it is but I think that's just luck because all of it is rather just blurted out and in the end breaks down completely from something semi-smart sounding portrayed as a satirical look at the lazyness and erractic ingenuiety yet ultimate stupidity of mankind... that turns into a joke about subliminal messages about jumping off a cliff. I don enjoy this but looking back I wasn't really that funny as compared to now I like me now :P But oh! I do enjoy the little similarities between then and now and how I haven't changed because at the end (No really I wrote that last bit nearly 2 whole years ago) where it says "Thankyou for reading this… no one else did… you are weird you know that?" which I find amazing that my total lack of confidence and expectations in the people around me to enjoy or care about the things I do (instant freedom! Dare me to get on that table? Yeah don't care I'm doing it anyway) that I back then thought no one would read what I said and I still constantly say in this blog how little I think people are paying attention and so far I think that this has been a reccurring and constant theme in my life which... we could psychoanalyse if we had time but you know... I don't have any degrees in that area so I'll just say I find is fascinating that I honestly do not have the self esteem to think that anyone out there will pay attention to me unless they are equally or more weird than I am...

That's... kinda lonely... and sad... hug me? please? :P nah get away from me stop... touching my body you... internet... people... yeah that's right being from the internet is now an insult to you! which ironically is an insult to me too from your point of view (Irony is something I have now grasped and embraced full heartedly in my comedy) so you know... go away now goodbye! Go find a site that really can help you about the history of flight (hint: balloons...)


P.S. EDIT! It IS ironic what I just said because to the reader I am an internet person (person from the in-ter-net) and here I am insulting internet people (in-ter-net peo-ple... who are of the person kind....) and so anyone out there NOT GETTING IT you now know why I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING! AND I'M SAYING IT LOUDLY!

... You also have wasted you're life for caring about that... but you did (I know you did...)