The Post-Voting Sorrow Party

As optimistic as my friends and I would like to be it was clear that Tony Abbott was going to win from the start. Polls exist for a reason and that reason is to allow you pre-emptively plan how much despair you'll be in. As someone who likes, you know... human rights and the internet... the news of Abbott's inevitable win was a horrifying one so with 4 different plans to get drunk in various places I picked the closest one for most convenient stumbling home potential.

I was getting ready to leave when Kevin Rudd came up on the TV to give his defeat speech. Oh no! Everyone will be drinking in sorrow without me because of this! I headed forth with booze in bag and arrived to a bunch of 19 year olds sitting around with bottles in their hands and watching the horrifying event unfold.

We were watching it stream via the internet and put onto a TV. This led to it being pixellated and occasionally pausing the image while the audio continued underneath it. Somehow it managed to pause on Abbott's horrific reptilian smile as he told us "the government of Australia has changed" over and over to the sound of the cheers from the Liberal crowd. It was like he was mocking the progressive Youth of Australia and rubbing it in. "That got a good cheer so I'll say it again. The government of Australia has changed." He then went on to say it in a variety of different ways while the ABC would occasionally cut to the grim visage of John Howard. His might eyebrows made him look somewhat concerned and the poor lighting that didn't illuminate his face made him look like a dark figure staring up and out of the crowd at a hideous malformed creature (which wasn't too far off).

"Well Abbott's PM now so we need to get used to this shitty internet." We all laughed then drank to wash away the pain of how real that statement is.

"Tony what?"

"Oh... sweet fuck no..."

We decided that we'd turn it into a drinking game and drink whenever he said "Australia" (we didn't have enough alcohol for the amount of times he said "government" + drinking games, preferably, should not lead to death). I told them my story about how I had confronted the Liberal supporters with the question "why as a gay man should I vote for the Liberals?" (a question they poorly attempted to answer and left me unsatisfied as "because of his other policies" was like saying "I actually have nothing to respond to this but I have to say something.") Then someone replied with an even better story about how one of the Liberal supporters handing out pamphlets to encourage him to vote Liberal had hooked up with him at a party. I don't remember who sucked whose dick but that's just a minor detail in the irony of "loves gay sex but supports Liberals."

The rest of the night involved enjoying the odd names of various politicians all over the country like "Jane Austen" (no really) and making fun of Abbott. If we are to suffer him for the next 3 (and hopefully only 3) years then we might as well find ways to lighten the mood. Human rights progress might have been put on hold for the next 3 years and the internet is going to be terrible but it's OK... slow internet is still enough to read my new blog: The Abbott Chronicles.

I will be writing satirical short stories about the misadventures of Tony Abbott: Australian Overlord, Lizard King, and Bungie Smuggler Enthusiast and trying to ease the pain.

Which I really right now because I'm so hungover from last night... I really did try to drink away the sorrow of a Liberal government being elected but alas... The news of Tony Abbott's election last night still greatly outweighs the hangover from today.

Nostalgia

Note: This has a point (for once) and if you get bored skip to the bottom to find out the point. Thankyou I hope you enjoy the hell that I've prepared for you! mwahahaha you have to read my blog now or I eat your soul...

Yeah have you ever decided that when your personal documents folder is over 50 gig when you're in a family of 6 and the entire "My Documents" folder is only 86 gig large and the computer is running out of space (mainly because of YOU! You're a hoarder! stop hoarding bytes!) and you've got over 9000 files alone... you kinda need to start clearing out the junk? Especially when 1000 of those are lolcat pictures? (I'm kidding I love my 1000 lolcat pictures I want to be a crazy cat lady when I grow up... and so does my girlfriend :P) Yeah then you decide to go through your junk and get rid of a few things that you don't need anymore and you're never going to read or produce or even look at because they remind you so much of what Goth Whitlam did to the economy you just feel like setting things on fire? yeah... yeah I don't... understand that last one but I have so much junk and I don't even know how I got 9000+ files but ok I do. Some of these files are really old... I have pictures of Neopets and I don't even go on Neopets and haven't in many many years...

Oh well, I don't even remember why but I decided to go through my word files (oh yes! That's it was trying to find a novel I was writing and wanted to write some more but can't be bothered now) and discovered an old piece of... well gibberish really that I wrote ages ago it says "last modified 16th July 2006" which means it's older than that because I remember modifying it quite a while after making it. Well it too was once a story like everything else in my head but it soon became too hard to salvage what I had written into anything with an actual story or substance (and keep in mind I wrote this when I was 13 as a joke therefore now real effort was put into it plus... I was 13.... if a 13 year old can't be bothered putting effort into it then you know it's bad) but it was funny at the time to me so I kept it... and I've kept it all these years. It is truly one of the weirdest things I have ever written since my 72 page Lord Of The Rings parody which is complete and utter gibberish with plot twists you'll never see coming including the ressurection of Alf, an invasion of Middle Earth by a Duck no one can see besides the alien mutant space monkeys and then there's the fact that all the characters are drug addicted weirdo's especially Legolas that is now a raging psychopath who team kills for fun if there's not enough enemies around to satisfy is raging bloodlust! Yes.... I recently read it and seeing how it is kinda amusing I thought I'd share it with you today just so you know that you're WASTING YOUR LIFE people! Coming to a mere child for entertainment you're all SICK! Especially you! Yeah you know who I'm talking about... and by the way I'm glad you're keeping your hair that length it looks good on you...

Anyhoo this is entitled The History of Fire and Flight by... me! (Yeah nice try stalkers) and if anyone is currently trying to research the actual history of flight (because who researches the history of fire?) then I'm sorry... please pretend you're doing work by reading my blog... It's only fair that I try entertaining you when you've tried so hard to make it look like you haven't got everything off Wikipedia and are googling things and found this.... and please remember I was very young and I do actually have writing and comedic talent... I just choose not to show it for the sake of you lesser people :P mwahahaha!... I've been told my... emails can be amusing sometimes :(

HISTORY OF FIRE AND FLIGHT!

Since the dawn of time, (6:42am) man has been fascinated with shiny things, and flight. Join me as I go through the history of this fascination…

Shiny things have interesting and amused people across the globe for all eternity. It all started in biblical times when the Earth was created and man discovered the first shiny object… fire. Fire was untouchable; all those who tried got severely burnt.
Later, the idea of touching fire was abandoned for a safer and shiner substance… metal.
Metal was a nice and hard shiny thing, also good for killing people. Humans nearly died out over night.
More metals were found and one day, the greatest invention of all time was invented… the buffer. This buffer could re-shine un-shiny metals! Its inventor was considered a god and one day fell off a cliff.
That concludes the history of shiny things.
Flight. That has a longer and more realistic history. It all started one day in a November. A man woke up and decided I’ll jump off my cliff and flap my arms! He was considered a genius at the time.
He was never found, so they assumed that his flapping worked.
The human race almost became extinct overnight… again.
Later, man decided that you needed wings to fly. There where wrong of course, but if cameras had been invented back then than they could of one a prize on whatever country they’re from “funniest videos show”. But the camera hadn’t so they had to find an unfunded way to learn to fly.
They put wings on bikes. Then they rode off cliffs. By that time the cliff was rapidly becoming a hill. (Half rock and half bodies)
Then one-day, people all of a sudden got smart, and invented a plane.
Soon, people didn’t care about flying through air anymore. They wanted to explode in space! The final frontier! The greatest place a man can die! The easiest place to clean up the mess! So they threw away their bikes, fake wings and cliffs. The race to the moon began. Some people didn’t quite understand the “race” part thought it involved running so they ran up ramps and over spare cliffs that they found at the rubbish dump.
The human race almost died out overnight, again.
But some people were not as stupid as the general population and invented the rocket. But this didn’t compensate for the fact that there’s no air in space. The military closed the books on this one and no one ever spoke of it again. Then one day they built a second rocket that succeeded in taking living things up and back from space alive. This disappointed many of the suicidal population and so they decided to kill themselves because their right to kill themselves had been taken away.
Man was now smart and could go anywhere between here and the moon. But that wasn’t good enough, man wanted to touch the stars. (The stars are after all shiny) Then they remembered their ancestors and fire… shiny fire… that was shiny… ooh… shiny…
If only if they had learned from fire…

Fire has forced people to learn. Unless they are REALLY thick and just keep touching it over and over again until they have no hands left. Then they use their arms and then their shoulders and eventually face but you would probably be dead by then so always try it in a government building if you feel the urge to touch fire constantly. After all… I don’t know where I’m going with this… back to flying. Now that we’ve got rockets that can take us to the moon we just have to find a way to make them go even further.
This can be achieved by putting even more (HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE) rocket fuel in the rockets.
People like HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE materials. Especially when they have nice big red signs above them telling that they are HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE and DANGEROUS! DO NOT TOUCH! But they soon change those signs from being a warning sign to the next satellite orbiting the earth. This tends to make those people at NASA very upset. That rocket fuel had a wife and kids!
BOOM!
Not anymore…
The point is… ok let me rephrase that…………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………… things go boom… and then people… die… yeah… that’s it.. That’s…. the point I’m trying to get through….. People die a lot…. Yeah… not because of me in any way….

So flight and shiny things are interconnected in a complex way that I haven’t explained at all and if you feel the urge to jump off a cliff you will join the ranks of those who made the first step (and long fall) to flight (or… another way how NOT to fly) and you will always be remembered as some random idiot that went crazy and killed himself… unless of course no one actually knows who you are and then you’re just some random idiot but at least it’ll FEEL like you’re flying until you go splat and there goes your chance of being Jewish. You won’t be in one piece now!



Now for some subliminal messages….
(This jump is not off a subliminal cliff message)
(Don’t start JUMPING OFF CLIFFS because it IS not FUN!)
JUMP! You know you want to….


I do not condone violent or suicidal behaviour in any way and JUMPing OFF CLIFFS ISn’t my idea of FUN…. Thankyou for reading this… no one else did… you are weird you know that?


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OK! Yes... I'm... leaving now and oh wow that was a fascinating little look at the me that once was (hello past me! Can't get a girlfriend can you? :P nyah nyah nyah! I can... I'm awesome girl's like me... sometimes.... when I'm not drunk) and yes OK as you can see I was weird back then just as I am now but you see I like looking back at me sometimes and you should too (looking back at yourselves not back at me when I was a child that's creepy... stop stalking me from the past just because it's a fantasy that crosses time doesn't make it right!) because it's interesting to see how we develop and obviously back then I didn't have much of a complex grasp on humour... my ideas are simplistic (yet sadistic, oh I like that :P) and somewhat repeditive I look back on this and the only thing I find funny is the explosions and the constant extinction of the human race and sometimes repeating yourself can be funny in this case it is but I think that's just luck because all of it is rather just blurted out and in the end breaks down completely from something semi-smart sounding portrayed as a satirical look at the lazyness and erractic ingenuiety yet ultimate stupidity of mankind... that turns into a joke about subliminal messages about jumping off a cliff. I don enjoy this but looking back I wasn't really that funny as compared to now I like me now :P But oh! I do enjoy the little similarities between then and now and how I haven't changed because at the end (No really I wrote that last bit nearly 2 whole years ago) where it says "Thankyou for reading this… no one else did… you are weird you know that?" which I find amazing that my total lack of confidence and expectations in the people around me to enjoy or care about the things I do (instant freedom! Dare me to get on that table? Yeah don't care I'm doing it anyway) that I back then thought no one would read what I said and I still constantly say in this blog how little I think people are paying attention and so far I think that this has been a reccurring and constant theme in my life which... we could psychoanalyse if we had time but you know... I don't have any degrees in that area so I'll just say I find is fascinating that I honestly do not have the self esteem to think that anyone out there will pay attention to me unless they are equally or more weird than I am...

That's... kinda lonely... and sad... hug me? please? :P nah get away from me stop... touching my body you... internet... people... yeah that's right being from the internet is now an insult to you! which ironically is an insult to me too from your point of view (Irony is something I have now grasped and embraced full heartedly in my comedy) so you know... go away now goodbye! Go find a site that really can help you about the history of flight (hint: balloons...)


P.S. EDIT! It IS ironic what I just said because to the reader I am an internet person (person from the in-ter-net) and here I am insulting internet people (in-ter-net peo-ple... who are of the person kind....) and so anyone out there NOT GETTING IT you now know why I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING! AND I'M SAYING IT LOUDLY!

... You also have wasted you're life for caring about that... but you did (I know you did...)