The Post-Voting Sorrow Party

As optimistic as my friends and I would like to be it was clear that Tony Abbott was going to win from the start. Polls exist for a reason and that reason is to allow you pre-emptively plan how much despair you'll be in. As someone who likes, you know... human rights and the internet... the news of Abbott's inevitable win was a horrifying one so with 4 different plans to get drunk in various places I picked the closest one for most convenient stumbling home potential.

I was getting ready to leave when Kevin Rudd came up on the TV to give his defeat speech. Oh no! Everyone will be drinking in sorrow without me because of this! I headed forth with booze in bag and arrived to a bunch of 19 year olds sitting around with bottles in their hands and watching the horrifying event unfold.

We were watching it stream via the internet and put onto a TV. This led to it being pixellated and occasionally pausing the image while the audio continued underneath it. Somehow it managed to pause on Abbott's horrific reptilian smile as he told us "the government of Australia has changed" over and over to the sound of the cheers from the Liberal crowd. It was like he was mocking the progressive Youth of Australia and rubbing it in. "That got a good cheer so I'll say it again. The government of Australia has changed." He then went on to say it in a variety of different ways while the ABC would occasionally cut to the grim visage of John Howard. His might eyebrows made him look somewhat concerned and the poor lighting that didn't illuminate his face made him look like a dark figure staring up and out of the crowd at a hideous malformed creature (which wasn't too far off).

"Well Abbott's PM now so we need to get used to this shitty internet." We all laughed then drank to wash away the pain of how real that statement is.

"Tony what?"

"Oh... sweet fuck no..."

We decided that we'd turn it into a drinking game and drink whenever he said "Australia" (we didn't have enough alcohol for the amount of times he said "government" + drinking games, preferably, should not lead to death). I told them my story about how I had confronted the Liberal supporters with the question "why as a gay man should I vote for the Liberals?" (a question they poorly attempted to answer and left me unsatisfied as "because of his other policies" was like saying "I actually have nothing to respond to this but I have to say something.") Then someone replied with an even better story about how one of the Liberal supporters handing out pamphlets to encourage him to vote Liberal had hooked up with him at a party. I don't remember who sucked whose dick but that's just a minor detail in the irony of "loves gay sex but supports Liberals."

The rest of the night involved enjoying the odd names of various politicians all over the country like "Jane Austen" (no really) and making fun of Abbott. If we are to suffer him for the next 3 (and hopefully only 3) years then we might as well find ways to lighten the mood. Human rights progress might have been put on hold for the next 3 years and the internet is going to be terrible but it's OK... slow internet is still enough to read my new blog: The Abbott Chronicles.

I will be writing satirical short stories about the misadventures of Tony Abbott: Australian Overlord, Lizard King, and Bungie Smuggler Enthusiast and trying to ease the pain.

Which I really right now because I'm so hungover from last night... I really did try to drink away the sorrow of a Liberal government being elected but alas... The news of Tony Abbott's election last night still greatly outweighs the hangover from today.

Voting in an Animal Onesie

I did it. I voted while in an animal onesie. A raccoon to be exact. I figured my attempts to blend in with the rest of these things called "adults" are going to be met with odd looks anyway so might as well have fun with them.

Photographic evidence of my sheer commitment to the democratic way:

My mother saw this and was dismayed, as she usually is when I do things, and told me not to do anything silly/don't get arrested because people know she's my mother. Geez mum, arrested? Ye of little faith... I'm sneakier than that when breaking the law...

First up: the people handing out last minute sheets of information to tell you all the wonderful things about their parties while excluding all the really terrible things like "we're actually a bit racist". The only piece of paper I took was from "Rise Up Australia" just so I can go "ugh" and scrunch it up right in front of them. They need to know that I don't care. I was approached by two Liberal supporters and I asked them both "so as a gay man why should I vote for Liberal considering how homophobic Tony Abbott is?" (I'm not gay but hey, it doesn't matter if you lie to Liberals. If they get upset about it just stare at them menacingly for 30 seconds and then go "I've given you the response you deserve" before staring for a bit longer and then walking away.) Their responses were simply "because he has other policies" and "Kevin Rudd is lying to you." I should've said "as an immigrant gay man who is also a high school teacher" and watch them fall apart. The Greens said "oh you clearly care about animal rights so you should vote for us" and I gave them an odd look and said "what gives you that idea?"

I hadn't gotten to the back of the line yet when a pimpled boy approached me and asked if he could shake my hand (clearly because I was so awesome in my onesie). I allowed it and started saying "no autographs please, no autographs."

Once in line I tried talking to the elderly lady in front of me to tell her how great Liberal was "because they cater to my kind" just to creep her out but it didn't seem to work. People liked my onesie. A Greens supporter said "nice costume" and I said "what costume? This is who I am." "Oh sorry, I used the wrong word" she replied.

While collecting my ballot papers I struck up a conversation with the girl who was checking off that I was present to vote. I told her her the entertaining story of how I had confronted the Liberals with the harsh reality that their policies outright offended me as an advocate for marriage equality... Only when I walked away did I realise I'd put in the "as a gay man" bit but had forgot to clarify that I wasn't... woops. And once I had finished voting she had disappeared. Apparently I had looked familiar to her? I forgot her name (I'm terrible with names) so I can't find her on Facebook... I tried to give her my Youtube url but whenever I say it out loud people confuse it for "one day at a time" so I'm pretty sure she won't remember it. Curses.

Then came actually voting. Spoilers: I'm definitively opposed to the Right. Unfortunately there are so many Right Wing parties when it comes to voting below the line... and I did vote below the line. The first few options are pretty simple because there's limited Left-Wing options and not all of those are actually that good. I had to fill in 62 little boxes, which isn't as big as it gets I know, but the problem is eventually it gets to a point where trying to figure out who is less appealing than another party gets increasingly difficult... and I wanted to do it properly so I would give them thought as to whom I ranked "slightly less despicable" to the other. Naturally One Nation gets put last and things like "Stop The Greens Party" can go shove it (which is the most ridiculous party I've ever encountered in my life as stopping the Greens is basically just voting for something other than Greens and another party as a middle step between voting and not electing the Greens is a waste of time and effort). I reached the end... finally...

...and wrote "60" down in box #62... wait... what?

OH FOR F-

I awkwardly asked for a new piece of paper and quickly filled it out with less accuracy than before when it comes to the lesser appealing parties but still ranked my proper preferences properly. At this point I was realising that a onesie with a jacket of it is a bad idea because gosh it was hot. BAM. VOTED. When I got home my mother told me she thought I had gotten arrested because I was taking so long... thanks mum. Your confidence in me is amazing.

Now I can sit back and hope... hope that the progressive youth of Australia are numerous and passionate enough to prevent Tony Abbott from ever getting elected. Now I can finally go on Facebook without seeing all those HORRIBLE ADS FOR LIBERAL. Just SHUT. UP.

Also I'm going to get super drunk tonight. Super drunk. Either to pre-emptively celebrate or pre-emptively weep for a terrible loss for politics for the next 3 years...

Good Enough for Liberals

Election time is looming over us again. In the Right we have Tony Abbott, resident exercise enthusiast and expert swimmer (he thinks if he swims enough eventually he'll be able to patrol the coast himself to better help stop the boats) and in the middle we have Rudd who looks somewhat like a balding koala and in the Left corner we have Christine Milne who comes from Tasmania and thus is from down under Down Under so to speak. If I had to describe them all I would say they are all candidates.

That's what's happening in the big league boxing ring of the political sphere but the lesser famous politicians are important too. They help make up government, not just the fearful leader of their parties. Yep it's important to have good local politicians for the different electorates and so that's why the Liberals have put forward to replace Dr Mal Washer with this guy:

Ian Goodenough. Yep.

Good... enough.

"Vote for Liberals! We're pretty acceptable I guess."

It's good to see that at least someone out there has a level head when it comes to politics. But really though, out of all the unfortunate names for someone who is trying to sell your trust in them to you... Goodenough.

"I promise to have some decent policies. I will stand for at least some change but not in any radical sense that allows to actually solve problems. I will make sure you are kept at least moderately content with my performance as a politician or at the very least displease you less than average. Of this you can kinda assume! Be rest assured I won't be terrible."

Slow clap. Slow clap for the Liberals.

On Social Anxiety

There's a party happening tonight and I'm invited.

Oh Saturday night... My media consumption has led me to believe that Friday/Saturday nights are the time to go out and have wild social gatherings with music, alcohol, and teaming up with a "wingman" for more one-on-one social interaction later on that night with someone I've just met. There's also this sort of not-so-subtle undertone that if you're indoors by yourself on these particular nights then you're a bit sad. Yeah... not my thing.

But alas, sometimes people end up liking me enough to try and take me away from my comfort zone and into loud places with lots of strangers on the pretense of "birthdays" or "I'm leaving the country and this is the last we'll see each other for at least half a year". Crazy, I know. I guess there's something appealing about my personality that people seem to realise is great in a normal environment but doesn't translate well into ENVIRONMENTS WHERE EVERYONE IS COMPETING TO BE HEARD. So now I have to deal with going places - places I've most likely never been before (there's just so many places to be on a Friday/Saturday night. It's like they're being grown like daisies in a garden that smells a bit more than faintly of beer and vodka shots) which is an added bit of stress because I often (quite easily) get lost. My sense of direction has firmly developed around the idea that I remain stationary.

The problem is people aren't going to stop liking me and inviting me places for birthdays, even if I constantly decline their invitations, because for the other 364 days of the year in our friendship I'm pretty fine to interact with. It's just when it comes to parties I get stressed out. I like one-on-one interaction where I can talk to a person without having to yell over some live one-man cover band that (to his credit) sings things 10+ years old so he can ride the warm waves of nostalgia that he gets back from the audience. Or worse, someone who confuses speed with proficiency and energy with entertainment. Admittedly I am more fine with more familiar faces around me so will gladly go to house parties hosted by highschool friends. It's the parties in pubs that make me panic.

Why... *melts into an anxious puddle on the floor* Pubs are intimidating. They just are. I'm not an anti-social person. I love hanging out with people, interacting with everyone, and crowds aren't an issue. When I go to convention centres the crowds can get so packed that I'm slowly shuffling with people bumping into me from every direction and I'm fine. I also end up talking to 30 different people I know and several I don't just by pure chance.

But pubs are not my friend. There's security within a person's home. You know that, whoever appears, is friend not foe. There's always a corner you can stand in and not be bothered as you judge the playlist (but never tamper with it because that's really rude. Seriously guys. Don't do that. Especially mid-song. That's slap worthy, I was listening to that). There's no social obligations that I don't already understand that I need to do and all that is required to enter is a simple knock on the door. No one checks your ID, there's no awkward standing around uncomfortably scanning the horizon of heads to discover where your band of friends are, there's just a house and it's nice and relaxing. Your voice does not get soar by the end of the night which is also a bonus and there's no risk of running into drunkards in the streets ready to fight.

But I need to go out sometimes... and I might even want to go willingly. After all, some people do end up leaving the country for who knows how long and you need to wish them goodbye. Alternatively they could be an old friend you see once a year at most due to distance. So getting anxious every time I need to leave the door on an adventure somewhere that is loud and unfamiliar won't do.

I'm forcing myself to go tonight because I can think of no better way to tackle this other than head on. Screw being scared! Not to say being scared is for wimps, we all get scared every now and then, (like at all those deadly snakes that live in Australia, all the deadly mammals that live in Australia, or all the deadly spiders than live in Australia. Thank goodness I live in... oh wait) but fear is not what controls us... well, sometimes it does, but not always! The water is always coldest when you're slowly edging in the pool and even though you're always angry whenever that one annoying friend pushes you all the way in when you weren't expecting it you quickly forget your grievances because you get used to the cold. Fear is like swimming, once you dive in and immerse yourself you realise it wasn't as bad as you expected (this does not work if your fear is of drowning because you can't swim... if this is the case then try to think of a different analogy). So I may be uncomfortable now as I sit in front of a computer typing a lengthy blog post to procrastinate going to this party, but I know once I'm there and I familiarise myself with this new place and the new people I'll be OK.

Perhaps I'll even make a new friend.

Perhaps I'll get ganged up on and mugged by 3 deadly snakes, a redback spider, and a kangaroo (those things have mean right hooks) and lose all my money.

Only one way to find out!

*Deep breath*. Time to walk out that door.

Pokemon! POKEMON!? AUSTRALIA!

Pokemon... mmhmm...

SPARTA! No I mean... AUSTRALIA!

Yes! OK, faithful people of the assorted ethnic groups of the internet (i.e. people who like blogging, forums, porn, youtubers and all those weird people who use the internet for... for... useful stuff!? :S what? the internet is merely for entertainment of the Y generation! Get lost online real estate agents!) this blog is to prove that I have not abandoned my window... my precious window for all of you to look within and be confronted by the weirdness you find therein. Therein you find gold too... but not today. Maybe tomorrow? Keep visiting you'll get that gold eventually. Yes, I have been occasionally co-authoring ramblingsofcornflakes and have recently done a semi-epic blog that's 7 pages long (http://ramblingsofcornflakes.blogspot.com/2008/11/20-minutes-is-not-enough.html) when I could've been here blogging instead but oh well... I haven't completely abadoned this blog and I still use it and I will just figure out a way to keep both of these blogs active. Neither will be too personal but oh well... I think anything on Ramblings will be more relevant to the fellow co-authors (Brooklyn, cornflake, the thing that should not be) and anything here will be more relevant to Rayne, Becca L. Blogmore and Brooke... because no one else in the world reads this? Who is Bella? :S

Speaking of epics... Baz (ha! Baz) Lurhman's EPIC film Australia is out! It is! It's true! Yes! It got 2 stars as a rating!

... what?

HAHAHAHAHA! Ooooohhh burn! I was wondering if that was going to happen! This movie has some serious hype, it's got some serious attention and it's going to be to Australia as what Lord of the Rings was to New Zealand... and I thought to myself "imagine if there was just so much hype around this... and someone gave it a bad review" and guess what? Well you don't need to guess I've already told you! Someone... gave it only TWO STARS! That's... terrible. That's abismal! If I ever got anyone giving any film I made when I was older only two stars I'd be depressed. I'd be seriously hurt and have my confidence shooken like a ball in a blender on liquify that's attached to a paint shaker thingy... the thing that makes it all even or something. You know? The thing you don't touch in stores (LIKE Bunnings! Lowest prices are just the beginning!) but you think "oooh that'd be so cool what I could do with that..." but in reality... there is nothing to do with an object that moves a pain can up and down really quickly.... what does that do!? It has one purpose alone... and that's boring. It doesn't do what it does in the simpsons (APRIL FOO- BOOM! *mushroom cloud of beer* Yes, I know someone out there will get that)

But yeah. Ouch man ouch... this review was harsh, said that there was barely any scenery, it was unartistic, failed to match up to similar movies (never seen a film compared to so many titles of films I've never heard of...) and the only person in it that did any decent acting was the little aboriginal girl who played the mixed-blood orphan (Those guys seem to be natural born actors. The Rabbit Proof Fence! Wow those poor girls... you really cared for them and they were wonderful) and Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman "struggle to establish characters we believe in or care about." - Mark Naglazas The West Australian. Ouch... I like those actors. Ouch. So yeah... long awaited Australian Epic got a bad review... ha! I laughed at that and chances are... I'm still going to see it. Because one) Nothing else is out and I am a big fan of the Australian film industry seeing how I want to be in it sometime I have to support it two) Certain people out there will get annoyed if I don't go see it with them... yes, you know who you are and you're adorable! We're not going to see Quarantine no matter how good reviews it gets... ESPECIALLY if it gets good reviews... and three) Just turn the page and you get a half a page ad for Australia with all the OTHER movie reviewers reviews all over it.

"AUSTRALIA IS SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT, ENTHRALLING Entertainment on a Grand Scale, as Spectacular an Achievement as Anything Seen in the Movies This Year." - Moviehole.com

Finally a type of hole I can enjoy... oh that sounds... so wrong.... in a reversely perversely way... (I rhyme! reversely perversely! :P ehehehe but no seriously I don't have a gender...)

"A Sun-Burnt Spectacle" - Daily Telegraph

Why are you saying great things about a movie... by comparing it to sun-burn?

"Luhrmann's Epic Triumph" - Sunday Telegraph

"We Knew Australia Would be Bib but Baz Luhrmann's Movie is Huge!" - New York observer

And there's a few more but you get the idea... Mark Nagalazas is the only one here who doesn't like this movie. Just like I'm the only one who liked Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Hahaha! Speaking of great epic movies that really suck...

2001: A Space Odyssey! Hahaha yeah hurry up and yell at me and call me ignorant and say that I hate Stanley Kubrick which is a lie... I love him. I wish he was still alive.... 79 year old men.... yeah! NO! NO! OK, sorry for... melting your mind. Trust me, one day I shall reveal to you all why 2001 is the worst movie good ol' Stanley ever made.... but not right now. (Clockwork Orange is AWESOME! Brilliant! Truly Brilliant! I'm doing the hand signals again...)

OK! This post was ACTUALLY going to be about POKEMON! (Hey little kid you like a jump rope, what do you think candy is made out of? pokemon! POKEMON!? hahaha no, actually candy is more like kodak film... free cookie points to those who get that reference!) so let it be about pokemon now!

OK, for all those out there who remember growing up as little kids and seeing Pikachu make team rocket blast off again and again everytime it would use thundershock on thier meowth hot air balloon (which... magically ALWAYS comes back?) will also remember that.... the pokemon TV series is... boring and childish really. That, and Ash NEVER GROWS UP! He's technicall 22 now... or even older I think. Why is he still wandering around and why was it legal for him to wander around anyway? And does he actually keep his mothers constant nagging advice to keep clean underwear? Who knows... who cares?

This blog is not about the TV series either (which I have found a way to download around 400 episodes of... Anime's never die... only the animators who draw them!? I wish Death Note had tons of episodes. It's 37 seem puny compared to other shows, even Full Metal Alchemist's 52 and Movie. But I guess the pure awesomeness and INGENIOUSLY constructed and perfectly written story of Death Note doesn't allow for it to be drawn out longer and longer without it dying down in pure awesomeness) This is actually about the games. The games...

... are made of awesome...

(So is my grandma's recon armour!)

My Mewtwo brings all the trainers to the yard and theyre like "damn right ur pokemons better than ours!" I could train u, but id have to charge:P

Quite simply, Pokemon games are addictive and if I haven't mentioned this before it's because I was too busy playing the games to blog. They are incredibly addictive and I love playing them! I am currently playing Ruby, I have caught Groudon with a Great Ball (Because it's GREAT!) and I have just defeated the final gym leader and I'm just training my pokemon to the point where the Elite Four will be nothing but any other old series of super hard trainers... nothing shall stand in the way of my all powerful team of Breloom (nicknamed "mgicshroom") my Swampert (nicknamed "Muddles") and... whatever.... the other ones...

AND MY MEW! (mewwwwby!) HELL YEAH I HAVE A MEW! It is awesome and it megapunches anything in it's way to death! Yes, I don't care about you, I have a MEW! Basically these games (which I have on an emulator on my computer) take up my spare moments that I get away from reading books on Psychology and New Moon (Slow... book... slow...) and now I have become a zombie at the computer screen wanting to versus more trainers! The games have a simple design with a few visual puzzles thrown in when you're nagivating things and plenty of trainers to challenge your strategy and strength and so it becomes one very addictive game that will never get old.... and the built in gameshark and codes I got from the internet that allow me to have mew from the very start of the game (as soon as I have pokeballs I can catch Mew... well... it's really hard because he's still a legendary so I need to beat him up and throw balls at his head for a while before he stays down...) I don't know why I just felt like mentioning that I still love the pokemon games. I know people out there agree with me: TV series for kids, Games are for life.

This really is the closest I get to being a gamer... I don't even play my playstation anymore... even though I have decided sometime during the holidays I will most definitely get round to melding my body to the couch and picking up that good old friend I call the controller and showing Sephiroth and Riku who the REAL keyblade master is! BAM! I've beaten Sephiroth with the kingdom key there is no better than I! Well... maybe there are people out there who actually play that game nonstop... (bonus cookie points for those who know which game I'm talking about! Hint: Not Final Fantasy IV... which I really would like to play though)

There is something about the ability to go whereever you want, capture and control beings of untold power which magical attacks that will shock, burn, freeze or poison your enemies and leave them unconscious after one hit from your fists that really appeals to me...

Mew! Mew is awesome! Cute, cuddly, mess with it and you're screwed!

Magpies

Magpies... No not some weird type of pie that involves whatever the hell a "mag" is... and no that's not a reference to a gun mag so no... no the pie is not going to shoot you... it's not even a pie as I said it's a bird... Yes, we in Australia have weird names for our indiginous flora and fauna (Because of the Aborigines... or is that spelt Aborigenes?... No probably the first... anyhoo yeah they named the things first so we have to call them what they called them... well at least one tribe there's over 300 different Aboriginal languages but most of which are no longer used or known) so we have things called Kangaroos, Koalas, Wombats, Bilbys (woo!) and Numbats ect and all of them are wonderful animals...

... except magpies... Yeah you know while walking along to the busstop in the morning (as I usually do on a schoolday) and I see these Magpies nearby and they just looked fat... yeah it's spring now and they're fat... I don't know how birds can actually get fat (what are they doing? Eating Mcdonalds?) because they need an awful lot of energy to fly around due to the fact that they're making forces that need to counteract gravity (Physics is fun... now to find out how much birds weigh to calculate how much work they do and how much force is needed to get off the ground! Because... I'm nerdy... but hate maths) Yeah seriously though the world is warming up, food prices are going up, people can barely afford homes or petrol for their cars... plus there's an obesity epedemic amongst children... and NOW BIRDS! Now birds are obese... Yeah birds are obese now I don't know how but they are and it's just... well it's just... nothing really... I just thought I'd mention that I saw some fat birds near traffic lights... they didn't even fly away from me or try to hop away like birds normally do when you walk by them. Maybe they're so fat they're apathetic towards exercise? Oh no! Fat children's behaviour is rubbing off onto our native animals! Next we'll be seeing fat kangaroos or fat kookaburras... that is if you ever get to see one... Seriously I recently heard a kookaburra laugh and I recorded it on camera because it's just so rare to hear one of those birds and I have no seen one since my trip to Margaret river and went for a car ride through the bush/hills and before margaret river I hadn't seen one in years. So yeah, Kookaburras are rare and just coming to Australia does not mean you'll see one... or even any native Australian animal besides good old Magpies (probably because those are the only ones that aren't on the endangered species list...) and if you try to go near Magpies they just might swoop you. Yeah Magpies are very vicious animals at times and will swoop down at you and attack you with their talons and beaks and AK-47's ect... They don't like people sometimes and I thankfully only been swooped at once in my life... But the swooping for people might decrease because like I said: The birds are FAT! and subsequently too lazy to attack innocent people.

Another thing I'd like to say about Magpies... They're very confused birds. OK, the Bilby as we all know (*cough*) is nocturnal. Now there are a few other native Australian animals that only come out at night but Magpies are not one of those. But pretty much everytime I'm awake at midnight I can hear them outside my window! Why are they up late at night!? Magpies aren't nocturnal! I've never heard them up at night before but recently they've decided that they're make a bit of noise for me before I go to bed... So you know we've got Fat insomniac birds in Australia... who are also gender confused... not for any particular reason other than I said they were! I want to make them look as bad as I can in my smear campaign against Magpies! :P Nah I have nothing against them... animals don't have gender issues... But yeah... Obese insomniac indigenous flora... Only in Australia huh? :P