Attack of the Quarter Life Crisis

We've all heard of the mid-life crisis: balding head, bulbous gut, grey hairs, and the ever looming reality that you're not as young as you used to be... the fear that maybe you haven't done enough yet weighs down on you, or maybe you're running out of time to do the things that used to make you alive. This leads to the urge to buy an expensive car to impress a young 20-something blonde with similarly expensive plastic surgery. Horrifying.

Boy I hope that doesn't happen to me... I nearly have two arts degrees. I don't think I'll ever afford a fancy car.

But what about the quarter life crisis? The lesser known phenomenon occurs around the same time someone in their 20s is facing the 2nd half of their college/university degree or even scarier: GRADUATION!!! (Dramatic braawwwwwwrrrr). Everything's fine and then suddenly... everything stops.

And it hits: What am I doing? What am I really doing? Do I want this? HAS THIS BEEN A MISTAKE? DO I NEED TO MAKE DECISIONS NOW? Oh no! I'm GETTING OLDER! A few more years and all my dreams will be over and I'll be stuck doing whatever I'm doing! (Whatever that is!)

So then you stop mid-essay and get out your laptop and start blogging about a quarter life crisis in third-person...

The nagging feeling creeps into the back of your head. Something's wrong. How do I fix it? What do I even need to fix? Am I being productive enough? Are the things that I'm doing that are productive even what I want to do? It becomes difficult to understand if things are a waste or not. Not in an apathetic sense, but an unsure fear of the future brought on by the stress of responsibility.

Did our parents feel like this when they were our age? Are we faced with the multitude of choice and are overwhelmed with the reality of *dramatic chord* ADULTHOOD? (Did you really expect answers here? I'm 21. I don't know anything! I'm irresponsible, ignorant, vain, and fear job interviews more than death because let's face it... 21 year olds are immortal and we cannot die until age 30. 27 if we choose to be musicians) That alone cannot be it (unless it is it and I figured it out! Did I win the quarter life crisis? Can someone give me money so I can afford food?) because I do not believe that human motives and issues are so simplistic as to have one basic cause. See it'd be easy to blame the warm embrace of the internet that distracts us into a world of escapism and easy fixes, where we don't need to deal with the difficulties of day to day life because hey look a cat gif! Awwww! Reblog! But that's such a simplistic scapegoat and sounds like something our parents would say so naturally we have to disregard that. Truth is the future is scary and unsure and I believe we aren't failing at tackling it because of the safety net of easy-access endorphins supplied by the internet... I think a lot of us go on the internet a lot because we need something to escape from the uncertainty of adulthood for a while. Life doesn't go away because we have a Tumblr, life continues... just now we have cat gifs and an outlet to complain about how hard taxes and washing machines are. (WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY SETTINGS AND BUTTONS? I only ever use one for my clothes! What do I need the rest of these settings for!?)

I'm pretty sure I know what to do. I've been wanting to do it since I was 8. I just don't know how good I'll be at it or how to be more successful. I don't know if I'm trying hard enough to learn how to get better let alone working hard enough to reach my goals. I can't seem to shake the uneasy feeling that whatever I'm doing might be wrong. What if it's a mistake?

But come on... I'm 21. I can screw up. I can do poorly and fail because I have time to get up and try again. I have plenty of time to achieve my goals, I hope. I just need to reassure myself that it's OK to be unsure about things from time to time because I'll figure it out... my parents did. Your parents did. I hope. Did they? No? Oh. Awkward. Well someone's parents has it together so maybe one day we'll be some other worried 21 year old's friend's parents and we'll have it together by then. If we have kids that is... oh gosh I hope I don't start worrying about having kids.

*BRRAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR*

ADULTHOOD.

I need to save my fear of the future until I'm 45 when I'm really running out of time to achieve things. 45 is old. A few mores years left and that's it... all my dreams will be over and I'll be stuck doing whatever I'm doing! (Whatever that is!)

On Social Anxiety

There's a party happening tonight and I'm invited.

Oh Saturday night... My media consumption has led me to believe that Friday/Saturday nights are the time to go out and have wild social gatherings with music, alcohol, and teaming up with a "wingman" for more one-on-one social interaction later on that night with someone I've just met. There's also this sort of not-so-subtle undertone that if you're indoors by yourself on these particular nights then you're a bit sad. Yeah... not my thing.

But alas, sometimes people end up liking me enough to try and take me away from my comfort zone and into loud places with lots of strangers on the pretense of "birthdays" or "I'm leaving the country and this is the last we'll see each other for at least half a year". Crazy, I know. I guess there's something appealing about my personality that people seem to realise is great in a normal environment but doesn't translate well into ENVIRONMENTS WHERE EVERYONE IS COMPETING TO BE HEARD. So now I have to deal with going places - places I've most likely never been before (there's just so many places to be on a Friday/Saturday night. It's like they're being grown like daisies in a garden that smells a bit more than faintly of beer and vodka shots) which is an added bit of stress because I often (quite easily) get lost. My sense of direction has firmly developed around the idea that I remain stationary.

The problem is people aren't going to stop liking me and inviting me places for birthdays, even if I constantly decline their invitations, because for the other 364 days of the year in our friendship I'm pretty fine to interact with. It's just when it comes to parties I get stressed out. I like one-on-one interaction where I can talk to a person without having to yell over some live one-man cover band that (to his credit) sings things 10+ years old so he can ride the warm waves of nostalgia that he gets back from the audience. Or worse, someone who confuses speed with proficiency and energy with entertainment. Admittedly I am more fine with more familiar faces around me so will gladly go to house parties hosted by highschool friends. It's the parties in pubs that make me panic.

Why... *melts into an anxious puddle on the floor* Pubs are intimidating. They just are. I'm not an anti-social person. I love hanging out with people, interacting with everyone, and crowds aren't an issue. When I go to convention centres the crowds can get so packed that I'm slowly shuffling with people bumping into me from every direction and I'm fine. I also end up talking to 30 different people I know and several I don't just by pure chance.

But pubs are not my friend. There's security within a person's home. You know that, whoever appears, is friend not foe. There's always a corner you can stand in and not be bothered as you judge the playlist (but never tamper with it because that's really rude. Seriously guys. Don't do that. Especially mid-song. That's slap worthy, I was listening to that). There's no social obligations that I don't already understand that I need to do and all that is required to enter is a simple knock on the door. No one checks your ID, there's no awkward standing around uncomfortably scanning the horizon of heads to discover where your band of friends are, there's just a house and it's nice and relaxing. Your voice does not get soar by the end of the night which is also a bonus and there's no risk of running into drunkards in the streets ready to fight.

But I need to go out sometimes... and I might even want to go willingly. After all, some people do end up leaving the country for who knows how long and you need to wish them goodbye. Alternatively they could be an old friend you see once a year at most due to distance. So getting anxious every time I need to leave the door on an adventure somewhere that is loud and unfamiliar won't do.

I'm forcing myself to go tonight because I can think of no better way to tackle this other than head on. Screw being scared! Not to say being scared is for wimps, we all get scared every now and then, (like at all those deadly snakes that live in Australia, all the deadly mammals that live in Australia, or all the deadly spiders than live in Australia. Thank goodness I live in... oh wait) but fear is not what controls us... well, sometimes it does, but not always! The water is always coldest when you're slowly edging in the pool and even though you're always angry whenever that one annoying friend pushes you all the way in when you weren't expecting it you quickly forget your grievances because you get used to the cold. Fear is like swimming, once you dive in and immerse yourself you realise it wasn't as bad as you expected (this does not work if your fear is of drowning because you can't swim... if this is the case then try to think of a different analogy). So I may be uncomfortable now as I sit in front of a computer typing a lengthy blog post to procrastinate going to this party, but I know once I'm there and I familiarise myself with this new place and the new people I'll be OK.

Perhaps I'll even make a new friend.

Perhaps I'll get ganged up on and mugged by 3 deadly snakes, a redback spider, and a kangaroo (those things have mean right hooks) and lose all my money.

Only one way to find out!

*Deep breath*. Time to walk out that door.