Sunday, October 5, 2008

Let us Glomp the Heathens!

Glomping. Google it. Nasty. Anyhoo, my mother is a christian and so am I but I just don't really go to church too often (Maybe if I was awake early enough to get ready? Also maybe if teachers didn't give me so much homework? Yeah, that's right, homework and academic achievement is causing our children to burn in hell :) Yay for good report cards! :P High maths scores aren't just completely pointless but satanic too!) so she's decided to find a church that's convinient to go to and she thought she had found one (It had teenagers in the pictures on the website! Teenagers!) so we basically drive along towards it and she forces me to read the road map (Bah! Maps... also spawn of satan) and in the end we get there 10 minutes early. Now this is apparently a bad thing according to my devout christian mother because we're new to this church. Unless you haven't noticed: being early to a new church is very very bad because people apparently will try to talk to you! (gasp! :O! But... part of the reason was so I would talk to people... teenagers! Instead of the two score of octegenarians in our other church) So my mother really didn't want to go inside for 10 minutes because they'll just flock to us noobs (Noob alert! Preparing to save...) and try to welcome us and get involved and socialise and worst of all... try to save us! If we went in 10 minutes early we'd be glomped by baptists trying to convert us to something we already were part of so my mother solution to learning new faces: Continue driving down the road. Now this would be a good idea if the road didn't connect to a highway... a long highway where you can't turn around... so we went down it, we passed some really old houses from collonial times, we kept going, we passed another church and eventually managed to turn around and find our way back to the church with no time to spare. Perfect! Punctuality saves us from hell.... and people... Well while driving around we had our fun avoiding Christians and joking around about what we would say if they tried to talk to us to see if we were christians. The favourites included: "Hey want to go get mass married with 100 strangers with me next weekend?" and "Praise Allah!" just to see the reactions we would get :D Anyhoo, we go inside and only one person tries talking to us on the way in before we sit down and church starts. About 2 hours (or most likely longer according to what it felt like) we leave and some random old person asks my mother if she'd mind her taking my curls. Yeah, old people are jealous of my hair, sorry but it's true! Older women totally dig my lucious thick red curls and untameable hair :D Just.... I don't share a mutual affection for their gray strands that are loosely scattered on their heads... But yeah, people seriously adore my hair... mainly older women like those at church, used car saleswomen (crazy used car saleswomen...) and school gardners but the occasional younger woman falls for my physical charm ;) (Because my hair is so totally smexier than thou) Anyhoo, after a very brief conversation basically telling her that NO! NO she may NOT have my hair! (As clearly stated and conveyed when I replied "no" to her question "Doesn't it frustrate you when it gets knotted?") we left and instead of finding a more convinient church to go to, my mother basically decides that, even though the idea was to get my and my siblings opinion on the church, she doesn't like the church because the guy giving the sermon talked nonstop without making a point. OK so apparently my occasional thoughts drifting off to something else for a moment (like "what happened to the baby that was right infront of me 10 minutes ago? The mother walked away with it then came back without it and now it's gone...") before snapping back to what he was saying weren't the thing stopping me from understand what life guards at the beach had to do with Moses fleeing egypt and seeing a burning bush. Moses was in a tidal rip which caused him to go out of egypt and then the burning bush was a man dressed in yellow and red and then we realise why we need God in everyday life... if that makes sense then congratulations! I'll see you in heaven... in the meantime my theologean mother says that he kept talking without getting anywhere and we're never going back there again.

And that is the story... of how we nearly got glomped by christians...

... oh yeah then we went home and ate pancakes. It was fun.... yep... I just thought I'd say that because it's about as useful to you knowing that as it is to know that going to church may cause high risk levels of people trying to talk to you.

Oh yeah... plus the internet lied... it was still full of old people with very very few people my age... so that's where old people congegrate when the suns out! :O Churches! (Because zombies can't get in to feast on the old people flesh)

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