The Problem With Being a Nice Guy

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine (who happened to be girl) about women and how they dress. I said that the kind of women who dress in tight clothing that shows off their legs aren't inviting rape and that's a horrible thing to happen to them. She agreed. We shared views on contraception, sex positivity, and even that make up is not inherently for the sake of men viewing the wearer. (See, remarkably, women do it because it makes them feel good and sometimes they then subsequently wish that guys would similarly find their appearance appealing. See how it can be related to men viewing them but isn't always? Shocking.) Heck, we even discussed how there was this dick in one of her classes that believed women shouldn't use contraception because their purpose was making babies and those who do are sluts. Well there were many things wrong with that starting with the moment he opened his mouth, followed by contraception isn't solely for preventing babies and has other medical uses, followed by women are not factories, and topped off with the delusion that a) women on the pill are promiscuous b) their worth as a person is determined by their sexual exploits... ("I'm sorry, you've had one too many dicks this year. Your dick quota has been over loaded and now you must wait until the new year for anyone to be a decent person to you. Remember citizens: dick quotas are important if you want to impress prudes!") Thankfully he did something right by closing his mouth and not talking anymore.

My friend was so happy that I agreed with her completely that this guy was a complete ignorant f***! That's when she said it...

"You're such a nice guy."

Oh. Dear.

Then I groaned.

I basically said "women are people who shouldn't be punished for having bodies" and I got rewarded? See, this thing happens where I be a decent human being and women tell me how nice I am. I'm "nice" because I'm against rape? That's really the cut off here? Surely I thought I would've had to worked harder. I didn't even compliment you I just didn't actively shame you.

That's the problem with being a "nice guy"... it's not that hard to be one. It doesn't mean anything.

Then the worst part is then when women say "I wonder why you're single."

No don't say that. That's horrible. That implies being nice is the only thing that is important. It's a prerequisite, I know, because respect is a basic thing in a relationship but there is far more to me than just "I understand and accept you have autonomy and a personhood outside of my own pleasure." Simply saying that I am nice and thus should have a partner is to deny my complexity.

That's right. It's a bad thing to simply just be "nice" and anyone who complains that this isn't sufficient to get girls does not understand the nature of being nice and how insufficient you are as a person to only have one admirable trait. I am nice... and so is nearly everyone else. I don't actively have to avoid a**holes in my daily social interactions. They're not a plague. To rely on that would not distinguish me from any other random person. I'm nerdy, I am hopelessly romantic, ginger, calm, devoted, I use idiosyncratic language to discuss serious things to lighten the mood, and so forth. It is the specific qualities of my nature that make me appealing to another person and vice versa. I am very much so not an outdoorsy person and so I am unappealing to someone who I am good friends with who finds my company otherwise a delight. See? I get along well with them but I'm just not the right combination of things to date. Simple. I have wooed girls with a mention of my comic book collection whereas others have no interest and I have to stress the other appealing aspects of me. My beard turns many a person on but equally as many off. Not everyone cares for my ideas of romantic gesture whereas others have practically melted just by me explaining my plans for cute surprises for eventual partners. I am a complex bundle of qualities, I am a variety of mannerisms, I am a diverse range of quirks that make up a person that is uniquely amazing, but only appealing to a select amount of people for different reasons...

And none of those reasons include "you don't punch me in the face" (or other not nice things like "youdon't actively attack my body image with snide and manipulative remarks" and other such romantic things).

Women telling me I'm nice and thus shouldn't be single reinforces the idea that this is all that it takes. I know it isn't all that it takes but not everyone has quite realised this mentality yet (this isn't women's fault though, as it's somewhat basic to realise if you have the gift of logical thought, self-reflexivity, and a bit of respect for women as complex beings to begin with). I am nice to strangers in the street but they're not flinging themselves at me to get into my pants. (Thank goodness as that'd be horrifying. "Lovely day isn't it? You look good in that dress." "GIVE ME YOUR COCK!" "OH F***! RUN!") It also doesn't praise me on the things I actually hold as an integral part of my identity (like how gosh darn pretty I am) which is what I really want. So merely being nice is sub-par. I am not nice, I am sweet. I am adorable. I am cute in the ways I make sure that my partner feels cared for and happy. Women don't come to me simply because I'm not a douchebag, they come for my personality.

So don't aim to be "nice." Aim to be so much more.

You Need to Stop Caring About Celebrity/Youtuber Relationships

You need to stop. Just stop. Here's why:

Every now and then a relationship occurs between two popular personalities. These could be two celebrities like Brad and Angelina (if we're going for super famous) or Jenny Bingham and Tom Ridgewell (if we're going for not so famous but still reasonably known for the Youtube example) and then people go "awwwww, that's great! I like this combination of people who I am fond of as individuals!" Yay. Good. Glad we are accepting of people getting together instead of bitterly sitting in the corner weeping "why won't Brad Pitt pick me even though he's never heard of me? If only he had twitter so I could profess my love to him in 140 characters or less!" (I'm so glad I'm over that phase of my life... *shivers*)

The issue arises when they break up and people decide they don't like that. Thankfully our great celebrity ship Brangelina remains canon and we can all rest safe and sound knowing that she will stick with him regardless of whatever weird facial hair he grows... But Tom and Jenny aren't together anymore and suddenly people seem to think that their input and opinions are relevant to this situation.

"But you were such a great couple. I wish you could get back together. Why did you break up? This is clearly [one of the people]'s fault. I'm so sad that you two broke up." Etc etc etc.

Stop. 2 months on and people still comment these sorts of things and discuss it under videos unrelated to their relationship.

Here's the thing: these relationships are experienced by you through filtered down snippets that are mediated by the individuals in that relationship and then expressed in tiny amounts through whatever medium that they choose, whether that's magazines or instagram and a 5 minute "boyfriend does my makeup" tag video. Do you honestly think you have a detailed and accurate representation of the complexities of that relationship? To you, the random observer who has no personal connection to these strangers on the internet, all you see is this idyllic 2 dimensional relationship where there's never any fighting or issues whatsoever because why would you publicly air a fight you just had on the internet? We forget that just because there is an element of the relationship being known to the public it doesn't mean that it is a public relationship. We see the good parts and only the good parts because those are the only things you'd share with a bunch of strangers.

What I'm trying to say is you are mourning a delusion. You are missing a fantasy you constructed in your head because you lacked enough information to accurately understand their relationship. When you say "I wish they got back together" what you're saying is "I miss the simplistic idea of you two together". It disregards that these people have lives that they live outside of your personal scrutiny and those lives are complicated. Their relationships don't end because it's some dramatic plot point in a fictional narrative that has reached the season finale. This isn't the cliffhanger and they're not getting back together next summer when regular episodes on 9:30pm on Thursday return. They had reasons, their relationship had issues, and they made personal decisions to deal with those issues by breaking up.

They owe you nothing but you owe them the decency to respect their decisions and leave their private life to them. They didn't have to tell you to begin with so be glad you got to ship them for however long they let you and then respectfully shut up. How do you think it makes them feel to read a bunch of strangers incessantly talking about a past relationship? How awkward would that be if someone came up to you in the street and said 2 months after your break up "you two are so cute together. You're my OTP."?

So before you comment on the relationship of a celebrity or a well known youtube personality (or actually just anyone you don't know personally whether they have 300,000 subscribers or 3) stop... and just don't.

Just stop.