Dear Every Employer Ever

*kicks down your door* I'm awesome!

Don't bother scrambling to escape through the window this interview is ON so hard right now whether you want it to be or not. So what are your first basic questions? Why do I want to work here? I sure as hell don't care about this place! I don't even know the name of this store! Heck, all I care about is that A4 sheet of paper someone has haphazardly stuck to the window outside that says in bold print "workers wanted". It is the beacon to my kind: the overlooked unemployed arts students.

Sit down. I said no escaping.

Why then am I forcing this interview on you if I don't care about whatever your establishment is? (I literally did not know it existed until I passed it just then and started breaking your office) Because MONEY. I want your money - no you can put your hands down I'm not robbing you, I'm an employee. That's all I care about. Fun experiences, great team ethic, new whatevers and all that jazz is BS. You and I both know that no one is really pumped to apply to places that say "great team environment!" Seriously, how many excited blog posts do you read that go "oh man, Coles! I'M SO EXCITED TO APPLY TO COLES! I HOPE I GET A JOB THERE BECAUSE I'LL BE PART OF A TEAM!"? Well, this one now if you take that out of context. Nah man, no one cares... I'm not saying that I'm against people (I haven't worked long enough in retail to despise the human race but please don't hold my naivety against me) or working with them, I can do that. I am so up on this team stuff. I'm a film major - literally nearly everything I do involves teams.

Money money money. Put your money in my bank account where it belongs. But don't take this attitude to mean I'm cynical and won't really care about the work you give me. No no! I'll do it! I'll do it gladly. You're, after all, paying me. I like that. I like you, even if you are a bit sweaty with fear right now. Shhh... shhhh... the more you struggle the longer it takes. If you are under the impression that anyone else working for you has any other aspirations other than to take your money then you're quite deluded. People don't go to work to have fun, they go to work so they can afford fun when they're not working.

Do I have to strap you in? I brought duct tape. Don't yell out for help or I'll use it. Don't think I'll run out either, I have half a dozen rolls of this stuff. Why you ask? Shut up I'm being interviewed. Damn managers don't know how to conduct an interview these days.

What skills can I bring to the table? What skills do you need? Tell me, what fascinating special training do I really need for this job? What makes your food servicing place or trinket selling store so unique? I nearly have 2 degrees! You run the kind of business that hires teenagers! The skills I bring to you are my own two hands. Now don't knock them before you've hired them... these hands... let me tell you the things these hands can do...

OK that makes you look uncomfortably aroused. That didn't go as planned.... awkward.

You don't need me to have years of experience (which I don't seem to be getting despite my hard efforts of forcefully strapping managers down to their furniture and berating their businesses) you need spare hands and a friendly face. I can do that. Look, I'm smiling! What's wrong? Is there something off putting about my smile? Not enough teeth? I can gain extra teeth, don't you worry... After you I'm applying for a dentist job.

I can do that! I can deal with customers. Swipe the thing, take their money, give them the thing. Repeat. Be nice. Don't eat anyone. Make food. Give food to people. Shelf empty. Put more of thing on shelf. See? Jobs are simple... So why won't you give me one? I'm sick of not getting an interview, not getting a call back, not even a chance to explain that the 2 pages of past experience doing things, higher education, general list of skills and interests (all filtered down to fit instead of flooding you with details) does not define me. It doesn't even begin to reflect my determined outlook on the world, on my job, on any task given to me. You see the word "determined" on a piece of paper, that means nothing... A resume is pointless. It lacks personality no matter how it tries. I know I sound cynical about this all, like jobs are just the equivalent of training monkeys to push or lift things... but it comes from never being given a chance to demonstrate that I can do that job... if only someone out there would put that little bit of faith in me over that cheaper option of a 15 year old with no experience and the maturity of... a 15 year old. Just one interview would be nice... one that doesn't involve crying. Come on, it's not like you're never going to see your family again... stop sniffling.

Oh, sorry... how rude of me. I've been standing up all this time without taking a chair... and look at the time, I must be off. I've stapled my resume to your pants, just so you won't forget about it or throw it in the bin without reading it first (I think it happens a lot, hence why no one ever calls me back).

*smashes the window*

Oh shut up, you'll get this chair back later. I'm only taking it until I get a job... It's not like I can currently afford furniture anyway...

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE AT MIDNIGHT!

I saw the Avengers movie last night! IT WAS EPIC! Don't worry though, the following post does not contain spoilers.

Well I was going with a friend (the same person I went to another midnight screening with), who had organised her own group of friends to go (most of whom I didn't know, but a few I did). Just your average 10 or so large group of people excitedly walking around 3 hours before the movie started occasionally saying loudly "I STILL BELIEVE IN HEROES". We went to Hungry Jacks for pre-movie munchies and I attempted to get an employee discount on a cone and drink because I work at HJs just not this one... I figured I could casually go "Is (manager's name) working here tonight?" and they'd be like "ah, he knows his stuff."

Nope. They made me name the managers at my store. One of which I said was permanently grumpy... so he proceeds to call her up (none of the other ones... specifically her). "No don't tell her I said that!" She answers. He confirms I work for her and I get a discount of my drink (which they got wrong). Worth it though. I'm not paying 50c for a cone... that's a suckers price man. 35c cones for the win.

THEN... WAITING FOR THE MOVIE!.... for 2 hours! Right outside the theatre! 2nd group in line! We were committed OK? A lot of this waiting around involved throwing the free posters we got at each other (I kept hold of mine, I wanted it) and occasionally two of us would simultaneously go "shhhh" and suddenly half the crowd that was forming would quiet down. It was awesome that "shhh" is so laden with power you could do that. (We were waiting outside two theatres that had a movie already showing so I apologise to anyone inside either of those films who could hear the crowd of excited nerds outside) Outside they have screens above all the doors playing trailers for movies (with the sound playing quietly) so we got to watch The Avengers trailer about 15 times before we were let in. Because you know, it's not like were capable of wanting to see it any more than we already did.

There weren't many people dressed up in costumes like with the Harry Potter midnight screening. But there were a few and they were awesome. First one we encountered was a girl dressed as Iron Man. She had attached LED lights to her chest and hands that she could turn on and off. And because I live in Perth, people in my group recognised her, and I recognised that part of her group of friends included someone who worked with me. Ah, Perth, you do love your small world theory.

Costume two was also Iron Man, but a guy this time. He had gotten two boxes, one for the body and one for the head, cut two eye holes, and drawn a few basic lines on it so you got that it was Iron Man. To ad to the hilarity, when the ads started he got down to the very front and started dancing! A round of applause!

Other people who adorned comic-book related clothing was this girl wearing tight black with Superman underwear on the outside. Because... irony?

I personally felt under dressed because no one had told me that half the people in the group I was in were dressing up in suits. Apparently nothing says "AVENGERS MIDNIGHT SCREENING!" like an Englishman in a bowtie.

The movie starts. Everything is quiet.

And then awesomeness happens.

If you were worried that the trailer seemed too much like a generic action movie, like gathering a bunch of superheroes into one spot would just be an excuse to blow things up and smash things instead of having any plot of character depth in it... you were wrong. Joss Whedon was amazing in his handling of these bunch of heroes and mixing them together for a big epic story! I have never enjoyed the Hulk movies but his inclusion in this one actually works. There were many thrills to be had, and a few fight scenes that will give the comic book nerd a geekish glee to watch as character A and character B face off in fights you've longed to see outside of comic books for ages. Pow! Boom! Crash!

I could find no fault with this movie. It was just all round awesome. AND IT WAS HILARIOUS. It's funnier than a lot of comedies but knows when to be tense too. Some moments were so good they had the audience applauding with laughter (and there's one line by The Hulk that I missed entirely so I need to go and rewatch the movie so I know what it is).

The Avengers is what action movies should aspire to be.

Oh, and anyone who is going to see it who knows that Marvel likes putting secret cool preview things at the end of the credits: don't both staying to the very end... the SUPER EPIC AWESOME EXCITING preview scene you're waiting for is just after the first part of the credits where they show the actors names and isn't very far in so yay! Not much waiting!

BUT THAT PREVIEW! OMG IT WAS AMAZING! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT AVENGERS MOVIE NOW! But alas, it is years away... Oh Marvel, why must you make me wait for all your awesome additions to your cinematic universe!?

I still believe in heroes.

Starcraft

Starcraft. RTS Game developed by Blizzard Entertainment. Released 1998. Made of awesome.

I. Will. Kill. Everyone. If. Starcraft. 2. Doesn't. Run. On. My. Outdated. Computer.

Also. I. Like. One. Worded. Sentences. They're awesome. Oh woops I broke the habit. Oh well. Hmmmm...

Starcraft. Also known as... Starcraft. This game was original developed to be an optional source of entertainment from the Blizzard Fan-Base Community that decided that playing games with wizards and magic in it was too nerdy... So they decided to spend hours and hours fighting alien hordes instead. Definitely NOT nerdy... Soon there become rumours in the gaming community that Starcraft was becoming addictive. Anyone who investigated this said the rumours were ridiculous and they said that there was no harm in Starcraft at all. In fact they themselves decided to start playing it almost nonstop to prove just how harmless it was. Blizzard also made two versions of the game. One version was for public use for the nerd community (I mean the totally awesome cool community! Hell yeah! Rock on my peeps! Nerds 2-Squared Ever! lol :P Little... nerd joke there. Also, m(ur mum)>infinity) the second version had three copies of it made. One of them belongs to The Doctor, One to the owner of Blizzard and one of them was destroyed in a fire although it is said that the game itself is more indestructible than the armoured carapace of a Hydralisk and so the game disk had merely willed itself into the voyager spacecraft and was sent past the kuiper belt to find real aliens. This fabled game is said to have extra units, upgrades, scenarios and an extra hard final map which, if completed, imbues the gamer all the biological advantages of the Zerg.

It's all lies though.

Soon Starcraft will have a second installment. Starcraft five. It has messed with many people's minds with the title and is said to be able to warp time itself due to it's awesomeness. That part is true, it can. I myself am nearly exploding in anticipation for this game! AGH! AGH! AGH! COME OUT ALREADY! The idea of owning the next Starcraft and it's two expansions is orgasmic! Yes! It's bloody orgasmic!

I WANT THAT GAME DAMMIT!

This has been brought to you by the (in)sane staff at Bilby P. Dalgyte productions situated on Mar Sara.

Have a nice day :)