Saturday, September 7, 2013

Voting in an Animal Onesie

I did it. I voted while in an animal onesie. A raccoon to be exact. I figured my attempts to blend in with the rest of these things called "adults" are going to be met with odd looks anyway so might as well have fun with them.

Photographic evidence of my sheer commitment to the democratic way:

My mother saw this and was dismayed, as she usually is when I do things, and told me not to do anything silly/don't get arrested because people know she's my mother. Geez mum, arrested? Ye of little faith... I'm sneakier than that when breaking the law...

First up: the people handing out last minute sheets of information to tell you all the wonderful things about their parties while excluding all the really terrible things like "we're actually a bit racist". The only piece of paper I took was from "Rise Up Australia" just so I can go "ugh" and scrunch it up right in front of them. They need to know that I don't care. I was approached by two Liberal supporters and I asked them both "so as a gay man why should I vote for Liberal considering how homophobic Tony Abbott is?" (I'm not gay but hey, it doesn't matter if you lie to Liberals. If they get upset about it just stare at them menacingly for 30 seconds and then go "I've given you the response you deserve" before staring for a bit longer and then walking away.) Their responses were simply "because he has other policies" and "Kevin Rudd is lying to you." I should've said "as an immigrant gay man who is also a high school teacher" and watch them fall apart. The Greens said "oh you clearly care about animal rights so you should vote for us" and I gave them an odd look and said "what gives you that idea?"

I hadn't gotten to the back of the line yet when a pimpled boy approached me and asked if he could shake my hand (clearly because I was so awesome in my onesie). I allowed it and started saying "no autographs please, no autographs."

Once in line I tried talking to the elderly lady in front of me to tell her how great Liberal was "because they cater to my kind" just to creep her out but it didn't seem to work. People liked my onesie. A Greens supporter said "nice costume" and I said "what costume? This is who I am." "Oh sorry, I used the wrong word" she replied.

While collecting my ballot papers I struck up a conversation with the girl who was checking off that I was present to vote. I told her her the entertaining story of how I had confronted the Liberals with the harsh reality that their policies outright offended me as an advocate for marriage equality... Only when I walked away did I realise I'd put in the "as a gay man" bit but had forgot to clarify that I wasn't... woops. And once I had finished voting she had disappeared. Apparently I had looked familiar to her? I forgot her name (I'm terrible with names) so I can't find her on Facebook... I tried to give her my Youtube url but whenever I say it out loud people confuse it for "one day at a time" so I'm pretty sure she won't remember it. Curses.

Then came actually voting. Spoilers: I'm definitively opposed to the Right. Unfortunately there are so many Right Wing parties when it comes to voting below the line... and I did vote below the line. The first few options are pretty simple because there's limited Left-Wing options and not all of those are actually that good. I had to fill in 62 little boxes, which isn't as big as it gets I know, but the problem is eventually it gets to a point where trying to figure out who is less appealing than another party gets increasingly difficult... and I wanted to do it properly so I would give them thought as to whom I ranked "slightly less despicable" to the other. Naturally One Nation gets put last and things like "Stop The Greens Party" can go shove it (which is the most ridiculous party I've ever encountered in my life as stopping the Greens is basically just voting for something other than Greens and another party as a middle step between voting and not electing the Greens is a waste of time and effort). I reached the end... finally...

...and wrote "60" down in box #62... wait... what?


I awkwardly asked for a new piece of paper and quickly filled it out with less accuracy than before when it comes to the lesser appealing parties but still ranked my proper preferences properly. At this point I was realising that a onesie with a jacket of it is a bad idea because gosh it was hot. BAM. VOTED. When I got home my mother told me she thought I had gotten arrested because I was taking so long... thanks mum. Your confidence in me is amazing.

Now I can sit back and hope... hope that the progressive youth of Australia are numerous and passionate enough to prevent Tony Abbott from ever getting elected. Now I can finally go on Facebook without seeing all those HORRIBLE ADS FOR LIBERAL. Just SHUT. UP.

Also I'm going to get super drunk tonight. Super drunk. Either to pre-emptively celebrate or pre-emptively weep for a terrible loss for politics for the next 3 years...

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