Saturday, February 6, 2010

Obligatory Blog (Pop...)

I must blog! Or my loyal (*COUGH*YEAH RIGHT*COUGH*) followers will tire of my silence and go read more interesting blogs like... Imaginary Bakery (which, btw, is actually less imaginary than I was originally promised. It has been a grave distress to me that she's the only real person who I follow who has blogged in a while.) So I must write the obligatory blog post! I must prove I still exist, and thus feel validated when someone finally comments on these blogs so we both feel like we have proven our existence :) I like existing and so should you.

Do we all feel sufficiently real now that we have proved to our own minds that we are literate? Keep in mind that it is merely your perception of literacy that has allowed you to read this and make you think it is affirming you about your own literacy. "What?" Basically what I may be poorly trying to communicate here is your thoughts are the only proof that you can use to prove your own existence to yourself and hence anything else you can't prove if it's real or if it's your imagination. So how do you know what these words mean? YOU'RE BRILLIANT AND I LOVE YOU! It could be gibberish or -YOU'RE GREAT- even insults. Who knows?

Why yes, I did just blatantly make a poor reference to the philosophy of that "I think therefore I am" guy. (Who? I'm not sure, to wikipedia!) OK his name is René Descartes and can I prove he exists? I think of him thus I exist, but to think he exists is to acknowledge he thinks, and how do I know that when everything I know could be have been thought and created by me?

My attempt at philosophy is pointless and probably very amateur indeed. So let's move on!

University starts soon and I keep thinking perhaps I'm unprepared, perhaps I haven't done something right or forgotten something and I'll find out I don't have a book I need or didn't quite click the very last button for enrolling and so I have to keep telling myself everything is OK. "Everything will be OK" is a film by Don Hertzfeldt which I have recently decided is the most brilliant animation done with stick figures I have ever seen in my entire life. Not only is the animation brilliant but the thing is a film. It's not just some random animation on the internet done with flash, it's a handdrawn short film done by a filmmaker who has won many many awards, which he deserves for his immense amount of work, effort, thought and creativity. It's about this man called Bill who goes through life with no idea of if he has a purpose and then gets increasingly mentally ill. It's so funny and yet sad and tragic. I love it. As Bill's life gets more chaotic so does the drawings and when Bill breaks down completely you're assaulted by so many things at once. It's like you're experiencing his own perception of the world around him warping to the point where it's incomprehensible chaos.

It is just so incredibly awesome.

OK so far my obligatory blog has briefly mentioned existence, uni and Don Hertzfeldt's brilliant animations. What's the point of this? Damn, you know I normally don't do obligatory things just for the sake of updating something because it usually ends up with you just saying "I'm doing this because I feel like I have to!" and well, that isn't really that interesting. "Why do you want the job?" "Because I haven't had one in a while. Why are you hiring me?" "Because we haven't hired anyone in a while." (I actually would like that occurance, it'd be fun... for me. Come on people!) So to all those who have managed to survive reading this far into this mandatory blog update I have a special treat for you! (Those of you who have facebook that is)!/pages/Can-this-Onion-Ring-get-more-fans-than-Justin-Bieber/285409781939?ref=ts

The answer is, YES! That Onion Ring CAN get more fans that Justin Bieber! (Notice the capitals on the Onion Ring? That's because it's so damn awesome it's now a pronoun. It is a being in itself)

Edit: The fan group was actually removed not long after reaching more fans than the Jonas Brothers. RIP Onion Ring :( Your enemies have destroyed you!

There is some photographic evidence of this amazing miracle of rationality and good taste in people today :) The onion ring managed to unite nearly 2 million people (it's growing strong!) in just 5 days to join in on a good cause of proving to the world that not all teenagers give in to the pathetic manipulative mass marketed musical numbers that are written by 40 year old men, sung by 15-20 year old boys, and listened to by over excited and inexperienced 14 year old girls! Do you now there's a "genre" of music called "teen pop"? I was so disheartened and angered when I heard such a thing existed. You know those songs you hear on the radio that only your young daughter who has just started liking boys, has no individual thoughts of her own, is starting to dress in clothes she's picked out by herself instead of what you bought her because you're "so uncool mum/dad/foster guardian/person who has claimed ownership illegally" and still thinks turning 18 means you're officially old? Yes, the stuff Disney likes to sell to you with your Highschool Musical lunchboxes, backpacks, pencil cases (with MATCHING PENCILS!) and rulers. That's "teen" pop. Though technically half of it's target market is a "tween" audience.

Do you even know what a tween is!?!????? Well I'll tell you (so you don't need to google it, but if you just did that to say "I can answer your rhetorical question!" then you're sad. So sad) It's an imaginary age group somewhere between teenagers and toddlers. There is no specific definition of the actual age, because it's not real! OK it's safe to say a 5 year old is definitely not a tween. But is a 10 year old a tween? "Tweens" are the "in between". In between being dependant on their parents for everything and being rational free thinking individuals who aren't easily manipulated. Somewhere between these two ages these kids get a source of income that doesn't get taxed and isn't needed for food or anything other than the tweens own amusement.

Tweens aren't people! THEY'RE A MARKETING PLOY! The people who market these things have created a whole new age group to sell things to. Apparently there weren't enough stages of growing up because someone out there wasn't making enough money. So teen pop is basically a way of saying to a child who knows nothing about love or music or what a gimmick is "This is what cool is! This is what HOT is!" so they accept it. The problem is the guys are all so hunky when their 15 or 17 but then they get a bit older and so do their fanbase so their fans realise that there's things out there like rock, REAL pop (which is still stupid but at least the artists are listened to for their music half the time instead of just their looks %100 of the time) jazz, classic music, metal and one of my favourites: cello rock. OK so most 14 year old girls won't ever grow up to discover the awesomeness of such cello rock bands as Rasputina, Apocalyptica (that's the hella mainstream one ya'll), Melo-M or even Judgement Day and Break of Reality! But yes, once they grow up and realise all teen pop is the same thing repeated they need someone new to appeal to next years tweens with "new" songs. Justin Bieber for example! Do you honestly think this 15 year old kid will still be around when he's 20? I'll be very shocked if he is. It's great because although those 14 year old girls fantasise about oh sweet hawt cool awesome dreamy Zac Efron, they really deep down know they could never get with him because that'd be a) HIGHLY ILLEGAL b) just impossible, he's too old :( (awww...) BUT! Justin Bieber! He's 15! Which means he's just as underaged as his entire fan base!

Not only can your kids dream of being with him but it is a "realistic" dream because he's so young and seems so sweet singing that song about how much he loves a nondescript girl who may just be YOU! Yes YOU little girl! He can be all yours! :) But he only loves you if you buy all his merchandise!

So yes, I listen to bands that are described as "avant-garde metal" with influences that range "from black metal, progressive metal, industrial music, symphonic metal and gothic metal to European classical music and contemporary music." or "Cello/Gothic Rock/Dark Cabaret/Indie/Steampunk" or even "kebab-kosher-jazz-film-traffic-punk-music." (Which is really a cult-avant-garde finnish band that's influenced by klezmer music). I also listen to Green Day and Good Charlotte. I don't really believe in "rebelling" against the commercialist mass marketed popular music as a stand to be hell alternative and cool. I just don't like listening to s*** music, which unfortunately is what is defined as "popular" (by tweens apparently). I like my bands like Peccatum, Havayoth, Arkona, Age of Silence, Alamaailman Vasarat, Delain, Darkspace, Visions of Atlantis, Unexpect, Tool, I Set My Friends on Fire (that band is hilarious!) Diablo Swing Orchestra (favourite band ever) and many others because they're different, they're interesting, they're not a carbon copy of some other band. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy popular music like Green Day, Linkin Park, Anberlin, Slipknot, KoRn and Mudvayne (Yes, those last three ARE popular) because they sound cool. It also doesn't help to listen to at least SOME music that you don't have to order from overseas just to listen to... *sigh* Oh Diablo Swing Orchestra, one day you'll be known within Australia... one day I will see you on a CD store shelf...

So enjoy your plastic pop songs by 20-something artists like Britney Spears and those... other women and men. I don't know their names. Enjoy it! Because it's not Teen-pop! The lowest of the low... You don't have to listen to my obscure metal bands or even my "alternative" rock bands (JB Hi-Fi stores nothing but the most mainstream "alternative" you ever did listen to 3 times on the radio yesterday) but I do implore all you out there to pick bands that write their own songs, sing without computers and have a fan base whose average age is at least 17 or higher. Do not let the tween marketers win! They stalk your children and watch how they interact with things around them in shopping centres, what shows they like and even how they hold bottles of shampoo in the shower to see if the container is comfortable and how best to market shampoo to your kid! (I'm not actually making this up. People have really actually watched kids in the shower for the sake of "marketing improvements")

All hail the onion ring!

P.S. My sister thinks therefore she exists.


Tiffany said...

Have you seen the youtube video of a 3 year old crying because she loves Justin Beiber so much? It's hilarious and depressing at the same time.
I recommend you watch it!

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

I read an online "article" about it and thought my life would benefit greatly by not even being curious as to what the video looks like. I just thought it was amusing that his fanbase is that young :P