Monday, April 20, 2009

Women's Business

Women's business. We men run and hide from the very mention of it! But we know very little about it and quite frankly don't want to know about it. But you see it's actually a bit of a conspiracy as we have been told it's very awkward to know about without knowing anything about it! Even Wikipedia has no article on said "women's business" thus keeping the male population completely unaware of what is going on!

Well don't worry! This blog shall not be awkward but it will be enlightening about the top secret secrets of women's business!

For starters: All women are manic depressive werewolves. Well it makes sense right? You see (my childish brain believes this because) they are obsessed with shaving their legs. Women are generally very hairless all over so why the need to shave? Well it's because once a month they turn into werewolves. Because of this they then suffer from mood swings and become very irritable (becoming a wolf normally does... let's not get into what they do in the style of a dog...) once a month (I assume it has something to do with the moon because it happens as often as the lunar cycle). After they've had a few psychotic moments, shaved their legs and calmed down they're back to their normal loving selves :) Unless they were always moody and evil in which case run because she doesn't need fangs to hurt you!

Women feel that they have a special place on their body that only a special man may one day be allowed to see. Well what exactly is this special place!? I'd like to see it one day if it's that special. Well quite simply this "special place" which a woman tries to keep for her special man is quite low down on her body. "Her stomach?" you might ask ignorant foolish man-boy-thing! No it's lower... that's right! It's the soles of her feet. (Say whaaaa?) Silence parenthesis person! Well quite simply, women are obsessed with shoes! (No duh!) They always have lots of shoes! The bottom of their feet are pretty much always covered in a variety of ways. Now why would they need all those shoes? They're hiding their special place yet showing off the general area to tease the nearby guys! Why else do you think they get so excited and just have to tell us about shoes that they bought? (I mean, seriously why the hell do we care? You already have a pair of shoes...) That my man-friends is why the most generic piece of dating advice is "compliment her on her shoes." (along with complimenting her on her hair and clothes as to not appear too foreword. You don't want her to think you think she's easy. By which I mean easy to get her shoes off.) You compliment her shoes... and you might get lucky enough to see the soles of her feet. It may sound strange at first but trust me... there's a lot of stuff about women's feet on the internet that some people may find shocking.

It makes sense. My logic makes sense doesn't it? I see no other explanation possible thus I must be correct by default! :)

Anyhoo, I hope I have enlightened you all on the secret of women's business :) Now you are one of the very few (besides women themselves) who know about this top secret knowledge! Use it wisely my man-friends.


Sam-ham said...

reminds me of this one time in Media where the teacher said "Alright everyone, it's the end of the period" and I yelled out "it's called menopause!"

I'm not a werewolf any time in a month. (unless I'm just annoyed for other reasons.) my "women's business" makes me very placid and huggy. I loooove the world. Probably because I get all doped up on painkillers to STOP THE INCREDI-FREAKING-LY BAD FREAKING PAIN!

interesting theories though

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Good to know about that Sam-ham! Thanks for telling me... perhaps your body is just fighting the werewolfism and thus the struggle is causing pain? Give in to the transformation....

Bella said...

i agree with sam-ham. i am now addicted to nurofen!!! YAYYYYYYY. not good. yeh i dont become a werewolf u no! i just switch from lovely vegetarian vampire to angry, in your face, dont talk to me or i'll rip ur freakin' head off and suck all ur blood, twisted, crazed and yet somehow extremely sexy (haha how i wish..) carnivorous vampire.

so you see this makes people hate me :) YAYYYYYYYY. not good.

but i loooooove you all reeeeally. except when i am really mean carnivorous vampire.

bella x

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Can people PLEASE STOP telling me about the pain!? Gah!

Wear better shes! Highheels hurt OK!? They're not good for your special areas! Feet aren't meant to be constantly pointed!

Rayne said...

im with sam-ham and bella...:) dammit i love those painkillers:P i had no joke around 66o78675864 today because of the pain !

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Go buy shoes to ease the pain or something just stop telling me these things when this blog is obviously about AVOIDING that! *breaks down and cries* I didn't need to know! I didn't need to know...

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Am I the only one who finds it tragically ironic that no one reads this blog besides women and this blog is meant to be about "educating men" about women's business? Hmm...