Saturday, May 25, 2013

There's No Sense of Ending This Semester...

Semester is "over". It doesn't feel over. I have exams which is weird because I don't normally have those for my course, nor do I have multiple at the same time. Even more strange is how this semester didn't end with a bang but a whisper...

See, I've done Film. Now I'm doing English. The difference between these are so immense it is like having grown accustomed to being beaten across the head only to suddenly be handed icecream. One of my teachers complained he thought his class was being lazy, as if they thought that literature was easy and the problem is: to me it is. Hence why, despite him obviously being a hard marker and me handing in my essay late, I did really well on it. What's hard about sitting down and writing an essay? My fingers are practically glued to a keyboard it's not like I even had to do anything but minimise the internet so I could sound intelligent somewhere else.

That sounds really braggy, and I'm sorry. I haven't always been this good at writing essays but I've been doing it for years. I'm halfway through my 4th year at University, I've written so many essays I've lost count. That's why, when suddenly there's no 5am starts to get to a film set for the entire day and being entrusted with several grand worth of expensive equipment, I think "wow. This is relaxing." Because it's something I can do and I can spend time doing it whenever I want. The only pressure that arises during essay writing is when you've started it too close to the due date.

I handed in my assignments while offering those around me chips. I spent a lot of my time on the final submission day hanging around with a friend before I'd actually sat down in a library to finish off my assignments. It was so casual, so stress free, so relaxing and simple and easy and... and...

It feels wrong. It feels horribly, horribly wrong.

I'm sitting around now not doing anything because... today is an average day? It's the day after final assignments are due! I should... celebrate? I should relax and take a break from all the stress? But there isn't one? My expectations have not been met. I did not become a wreck and come out of it triumphant and so sleep deprived that my bed became more important than life itself. There's no sense of... accomplishment.

It didn't challenge me enough so I don't feel accomplished. Now that's an odd first world problem now isn't it? "It wasn't hard enough." Oh waaaa. Waaaa. Boo-hoo.

But come on... you love it don't you? The day after. The excuse to lie down. The relief that floods your bones and loosens your muscles. That mental load you shove off and sigh away. The smile that creeps across your face as you realise it's over. You survived!

I... just... did... things. Does that feel worth it? Is it worth it if I'm not being challenged?

I hope so.

I've got exams, so maybe that will be a challenge? My past experience with University exams is that they're easier than expected. I study tons and then... realise I could've studied less. But I'll do it just in case. I want to have that push to be great. I'm not done being a student, and being a student means I still have things to learn. So I guess I'll start knuckling down, revising the things I learned this semester, and tackle those exams head on.

Then I can get my feeling of a well earned ending.

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