Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My Plan to Date Taylor Swift

We all know that Taylor Swift loves her break up songs. If she ever got into a successful marriage her music career would be over until the divorce and then BAM! Straight back up the charts. Do you ever wonder what he ex's think of having a song about them? Do they feel a little bit of prestige? Like "yeah, that song on the radio is about me. I'm just that important." They might feel a bit insulted because they're being shown in a negative light in a song but for me I'd find it hilarious... I'd love it. I wish I could break up with Taylor Swift just so I could get a song about me.

Well I was listening to Taylor Swift on the radio when I heard her latest song...

You don't know about me but I bet you want to - 22 by Taylor Swift.

That's when it hit me... how to date Taylor Swift is simple: pretend you have no idea who she is. See she has a lot of fans (well, duh) so approaching her and telling her you enjoy her music won't distinguish you at all. Sure, it's a nice compliment, but it is generic. What I would do is approach her like any other girl (actually I'm too shy to approach girls but let's pretend I have both the charm and social life to confidently walk around bars) with this sweet sense of sincerity like I only want to talk and I'm expecting to part ways at the end of the night with the intention of seeing them later to get to know them better (because that's how I roll. Forming strong emotional bonds over time - awww yeah). I'd maybe thrown in a nice pick up line, not a cheesy one - something to start a conversation.

I'd see how long the conversation could go on before I have to introduce myself. Maybe buy her a drink first, (this hypothetical situation takes place in a bar or club, like her song 22. It makes no sense but ssshhh, this is a fantasy so let me have it) basically just treat names as unimportant compared to talking about things, but when I do introduce myself I only say "My name is David" - no last names. The idea being it'll encourage her to reply Taylor instead of her full name. That bit isn't too important because I can always pretend the name drop means nothing to me because I don't listen to the radio *cough* hipster *cough* total lie...

Anyway... so that's phase one. Get to know her by pretending I know nothing about her. I'm basically assuming her ego would find someone who hasn't heard of her fascinating instead of insulting and going for the angle that distancing myself from the hectic spotlight of fame. What a relief to find someone who isn't mobbing her, or living such a busy life that they'd have their own pressures that divide so many celebrity relationships. I'm suddenly the charming sweet everyman... the simple ideal, an innocent soul, this cute little lamb who didn't adore her for her fame but for her smile...

*Quick chortle*

Ok so imagine this worked and I'm dating Taylor Swift now. (SHUT UP IT'S TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE AND MEANT TO BE).

I want a song... and I want to know it is specifically about me. How do I distinguish myself? Well I need a few quirks, something idiosyncratic to really define myself...

So that's why I'll leave her jigsaw pieces here and there... little surprises in the morning when she wakes up to find a fresh cup of coffee and pancakes by her bed...

And a jigsaw piece.

At first this is cute and endearing. Bit weird, but whatever. They don't seem to make anything because none of them connect together and she starts wondering what it is. What wonderful surprise will it inevitably display once I had gone through all the jigsaw pieces? What more mystery and intrigue can this oddly unique everyman hold? Will it just be a big love heart and make her go awwww after she's collected the final piece on some anniversary?

Well let's assume the relationship goes south eventually because I'm actually a terrible manipulative human being (as demonstrated by THIS ENTIRE BLOG POST) and she is starting to get bored of the everyman as I'm just... a normal person with nothing special. She's too busy, she's got a new album to work on, and I'm just in her way... I just keep giving her jigsaw pieces and she doesn't have time for this quirky game anymore so she just leaves them there as I place more and more, not even accompanied by a sweet gesture of breakfast or a nice sweet "You make me happy" card, they're just there.

Jigsaw puzzle pieces everywhere.

The relationship ends.

My last act is giving her the rest of the pieces as I leave. After a bitter and lonely post-break up moping session she decides to start putting together this once incomprehensible puzzle as she looks up in a rhyming dictionary what rhymes with "jigsaw" (maw, claw, buzzsaw, chainsaw, hacksaw, handsaw... "I should've known, I should've foresaw, that you wouldn't be right for me, when you gave me a jigsaw...") and what does she see?

A scary clown.

And that's how I will know her first single "Jigsaw" from her new album will be about me and only me and I will laugh maniacally about it every time it's on the radio.