Saturday, June 13, 2009

Exams Ended With a Giant Cookie

Well actually is was a biscuit... I don't know the difference but it was most definitely a biscuit. The recipe said so. Anyhoo...


Exams ended... a little while ago I just forgot to actually mention it or blog. I've been doing things like sleeping and playing video games (Woo! I love MS DOS! Yeah, damn straight I'm living in the early 90's...) and other activities that basically involve avoiding my text books and schoolwork as much as possible because it is most definitely evil. Yeah I only have a limited amount of time left in the year but I just had 5 exams over two weeks I deserve a break from study and homework!


Well should I tell you all the silly answers I put in my exams or should I just talk about my giant biscuit instead? (The biscuit story involves jelly!) Well OK let's hold a vote! All in favour of the biscuit story first say "AI!" VERY LOUDLY! OK, and those against also say "NAY!" VERY LOUDLY! OK, now if you did either of those things you're weird. (And not too bright because you see, I can't actually here you can I now? No. No I can't...) Thanks for that...


Exams! (Ha people who said "AI!" HA!) Well unfortunately I decided that due to time constraints and this actually being a very important time, it being my last year of highschool and all, that silly answers made of drivvle would probably not be welcome. I should probably avoid putting random c*** in something worth %60 of the semesters marks for that subject. Nethertheless! (that is just one word right? Instead of... three?) I did do a few deliberately silly things... some of which were actually interesting. Some weren't. I'm going to tell you them anyway. (Along with other things that I'm sure you're completely fascinated by! Ahahaha I'll make you work for your cookie story! And don't worry, it gets more interesting as it goes!)


Chemistry:

Only two this year I'm afraid. I did half a page of working on an 8 mark (that's pretty big for a question) question... then turned the page.... and saw that I had an entire other page to work this problem out.... oh... hmm... normally you're meant to fill the space given. Oh....

Solution: Write "This page has been intentionally left blank".


I got that one completely correct :)


Another one I also got completely correct was about corrosion. "Why do people hang a bar of magnesium in aluminium water tanks?" (I think it was aluminium... that or iron. It doesn't really matter what it was made out of really...) Well I didn't know they did that... but the answer is obivoulsy to do with it being a sacrificial anode (I think anode) and therefore corroding before the tank itself!...


...it's also tasty. Yes. I said that it was also tasty. Well, who doesn't enjoy the taste of magnesium ions an aqueous solution!? I know I do! You're just weird if you don't!


Physics:

Well let me start by saying that nearly every single test I've had in physics I've decided to put my name on the test differently every time. I've given myself a knighthood, PhD, Dukehood (that's also a word right?), put various things like II, IV, "of the funk", etc (It's been a grand tradition from Bilby I onwards to be a total twat when it comes to physics tests) and even said I've been giving the british chivalry honour of "Order of the Bath" (Yeah you better believe it!).


That introduction had nothing to do with my exams. I just felt like saying it. I discontinued that for my exam. But one question involved asking if an electric generator of some kind was AC or DC and something to do with a slip ring. I also had to explain my answer. My answer was "DC. I don't know why, I'm just guessing. I have no idea what a slip ring is. But there's a question later on with a picture of a similar generator with a similar looking thing on it and the motor is DC."


I got that one wrong strangely enough...


Then at the end of the exam I had finished with 40 minutes to spare and so drew some fireworks on the last page with the caption "Yay! The end! Thank you for marking :)" My marker was actually quite kind and generous so I'm happy. The exam was out of 200 because you see when there's 200 marks you don't get half marks because half a mark is one mark because one mark is half percent. So giving a half mark is giving a quarter of a percent which doesn't make sense really... Guess how many half marks my marker gave me? A lot. And guess what other miraculousy stupid things happened? I look at page 26 and see that the questions are worth 3 marks, 3 marks, 2 marks, 2 marks... I got 4 marks, 4 marks, 3 marks, 3 marks, for those questions respectively. I was quite happy about that! (even though it was just an error they made beforehand so the questions actually were worth 4, 4, 3, 3 but I mean... I didn't know that instantly so I was very pleased for a while.) Another question had two parts. It was about tension and forces at two points (which involves two different formulas) only problem was when I answered it I had gotten then two formulas the wrong way round... this was noted on the paper by my marker. One question got half of the total marks and the other part I got a big black cross........... and full marks for the question as well. Wait, what? Full marks and a big black CROSS for the same question!? Is it my birthday? He also gave me marks on some question while also leaving a comment saying "A bit vague. I think I understand what you're saying..." Oh good! I don't even have to speak in comprehensible sentences and I still get marked well! Awesome!


My other markers weren't so kind. %61 for Physics was my highest...


Applicable Maths:

There was one involving triangles (agh! the dreaded triangle!) and matrices and graphing points on a... well... graph really. (wow... just... wow...) It involved transforming the triangle from one point to another to another one again... so it rotates 90 degrees clockwise, then it rotated 90 degrees anticlockwise (well actually it didn't. I got it wrong you see... as I generally do with math questions. Although the most miraculous thing happened! I passed! Not only did I pass but it was my second best subject! That's partially exhilirating because it's awesome and kinda depressing because I failed both my math exams last year so I kinda view it as my weakest subject.... hm...) The question asked me to describe a single transformation for the original triangle to the third triangle (talk about what happened minus the middle bit basically. Yeah, all that technical math jargon hurts my mind too.) so according to my graph the triangle had just gone back to where it was originally... so I just wrote "Stay. Chill triangle chill, relax. Don't do anything. Just stay there."


Of course that was completely wrong... but I'm glad that my triangle was very content with its position and didn't feel the stressful need to transform and move places like other people's triangles. Mine was more relaxed so it'll probably have a longer life span. I helped a triangle live longer and I passed my exam :) Wonderful!


English Literature:

Two words. "Blonde Joke." A few more words: "Essay on sexism, feminism, and context from a western culture perspective." Yes. Yes I did dare to put a blonde joke in an essay about feminism.... that's worth reading all the stuff above it alone. Yeah. Told you it got better...


"I have grown up in a western society where we have been raised to believe that women are equal to men and are not inferior, except for blondes, in skill or intelligence...." Well you know if you're trying to argue that your interpretation of a book about feminism is straightforward and you put in a blonde joke you're bound to get a comment.... and I did! :D Yay! It said "Your markers may be blonde in the future." I think there was something else but the basic idea was a very firm "No."


I am uncertain to my mark on that essay. My average for the three I wrote was %56 though.


Drama:

Speaking of very firm (well um... you know I wouldn't actually know about this but you know I just assume.... ahem.... *awkward seat shuffle* yeah read on to know what I'm talking about.) onto my drama exam! Well if we were going to list all my stupid answers then we might aswell recount my entire exam then! Yeah, worst failure of ALL TIME! I don't want to talk about how badly I did... but I will mention a partial reason that contributed to my failure. (Well, that and my complete lack of study, preparation, or thought.)


The teachers overseeing the examination! They're my source of failure! Why? Well because of the way they look of course...


Well I have 6 subjects. Media being the 6th and it also being the one subject that doesn't involve an exam... so I wouldn't be able to see my media teacher for a whole 2 weeks if it weren't for the fact that she came in for a while to watch over all 8 of us drama kids (and a single economics person! Don't forget him... the loner...) to make sure none of us cheated on our exams (like me) and asked someone next to us "For the love of God just tell me what the hell I'm meant to write here!!!" Well to be honest I like my media teacher. She's really cool! (Oh and just so you know her son is my age and goes to the school. So that'll explain something later on.)


... and she's also hot...


.... hey well excuse me for liking older women OK? She is! She looks absolutely superb for 40.


... Don't look at me like that! Hey we're all going to be older one day!


Yeah my thoughts in the exam went kinda like this:


Great... um... well Jack seems like a passive sort of character... hmm... non-verbal techniques. I don't know! He just... stands there I guess....

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

Wow my media teacher looks great in black.... those are some big buttons on that coat. That is a nice coat...

OK maybe I should right more to one of my essays.... uhhhh...

She is really good looking. How old is she? She'd probably be about 40... she's not even wrinkly. Wow. Looks younger than my parents...

I wonder what Lorna is doing right now...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

I can't do this damn essay I'm so screwed...

I wonder if Blake's (her son) parents are still together or if they've split up... hmm...

So yes, back to thinking about Lorna... no I mean my exam...

Symbolism. This scene in Cloudstreet symbolises... um... uhhh....

I wonder if being one of her favourite students helps...

Why are you so distracting!? Come on it hasn't been that long!

I wonder if Lorna will be jealous if she reads this in my blog and finds out I was thinking about how hot my teacher is... hmm... (yes I thought about blogging about my thoughts. Thinking in advance! For like when she goes through a tough time in her marriage or divorce... yes... mwahaha) or will she just think it's funny that I was distracted by my teacher from doing an exam? It's so... guyish and teenagery... I'm sure she'll understand...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

I've got an hour and a half left... great! I want to die, I haven't got anything to say in this exam at all!

Wow she really looks great for 40...


The she left....


...and was replaced by the perfectly spherical old man known as "Mr James". He thankfully was not as distracting like my media teacher was...


... he still was in a different way though...


Even less time now. Great... oh good I've written another line.

Wow Mr James really does look like a turtle...

.....

.....

He really does! He looks like a turtle!

...

I wonder if I should draw him. He has an interesting looking face.

Well uhh... I could mention um... black! Black is a nice symbolic and dark colour...

I must stay through this exam... not allowed to walk out with only half an hour left to go. Must scrounge every single possible mark I can so my failure is ever so slightly less embarrassing...

Whoa cornflake is writing a s***load really fast!

Hehehe... turtle.

OK I really shouldn't draw him on my exam that wouldn't be good... I shouldn't draw him on the desk either.

I've got 5 minutes left... I don't think I'll be able to draw his face in that amount of time.

Time's up.

F***!


And that was the end of that chapter in my life. May my media teacher never ever discover the blog and read that thing that I said about her.... so if anyone DARES inform her of this I shall be very angry at you! (so don't do that... please?) Well I guess a bonus is she's already seen my bedroom... yeah, put it in a film of mine. (It's how I get all the girls... film my bedroom with a close up of the bed... because that's definitely worked before!... yeah... you know who you are...)


Well, this has gone on for long enough! It is time to tell you about the GIANT COOKIE! (Biscuit)


OK as you saw (above) I made a giant ANZAC Biscuit (don't know what that is? Google/wikipedia it!) which ended up to be a lot larger and thicker than my hand. I have a big hand. I think thats a terrible photo of it... It looked a lot larger in real life. The angle is wrong. Yeah I demand that people believe that my biscuit was HUGE! (It was! I put it next to my head and looked in the mirror and it was nearly as tall and wide as my face! It wasn't as big as my head because my head has more depth to it than a biscuit but yeah... big) Anyhoo, it took a lot of time to eat and by the end of it I had consumed quite a large amount of sugar and oats and felt kinda ill...


Thoughts while eating giant biscuit:

Start:

Oh this is awesome! Giant bikkie! Mmm... tastes so good!

Mmmm... oh man this is huge. I've taken a bite out of it and I barely dented it.

This is all mine. Aaallll mine. My bikkie.

1/4 of the way through.

So much... bikkie. Mmm. Tastes awesome.

1/2 of the way through.

Urgh... too much bikkie. Tastes good but uurrgghh...

Hey I don't think I cooked this as much as I should. It's kinda hard on the top but really soft on the bottom... kinda squishy...

3/4 of the way through.

Oh man I've eaten so much biscuit today... urgh don't feel too well but have to finish it...

....hey I have an idea. I'll have the rest with milk. I wonder why I didn't think of that earlier...


The end.


There's more though! Yes, let me enthrall you for another 10 minutes as I speak of the origin story along with that of the giant marshmallow!


Well it's night and I decide that seeing how someone had a giant marshmallow at school a few days back that I should have one too! (I saw something and decided by my own free will to copy it exactly...) So I went online, got a recipe which involved 3 ingredients (one of which was "water") and only 3 simple instructions and spent half an hour going back and referring to them whenever I got lost/stuck/confused/uncertain about how exactly I was meant to add sugar to water... (well to be honest it was slightly more complex than that. I had to heat the water up!) Well I also had to use gelatine... I found a gelatine packet in the pantry that I have remembered being there for as long as I can physically remember being able to see into that shelf that it was stored on... (which is a long time...) and put it in my boiling water... didn't like the smell too much though. Well part of the instructions was "beat until thick and white".... after a while my mixture was runny and... dark yellow... kinda... gelatine kinda coloured... hmmm....


Oh well good enough I'm putting it in the fridge!


Next day I take it out and find that I haven't made a marshmallow at all... I've made jelly. Jelly that consists primarily of sugar. 2/3 sugar to be more exact. That's A LOT of sugar! And it's in my fridge! Tasting like really sweet jelly! What the hell do I do with it!? I'm screwed... (and not by my med- nah I'm not going there...)


Well I was told by my sister (who is having her 21st at the resturaunt that I will soon be working at...) that girls love guys who can cook so of course I just have to call up Lorna on my mobile while cooking my biscuit! (Well how else will she swoon about my culinary skills if I don't call her up and tell her about it while I do it!?) Well this unfortunately means I have only one hand free... so I need to mix my biscuit ingredients while talking... well that kinda doesn't work if the bowl also decides to rotate in an equal motion to my spoon. That spoon was quite helpful though... it helped me shape my biscuit without my hands.


"Urgh. Get out of the bowl onto the tray! Yes I'm giving you a running commentary while I do this."

"Put down the phone so you have two hands."

"No! Bah! Can't use my spoon properly... fine... I'm turning the bowl upside down. There. Let gravity do my work for me instead! OK well I need to shape the biscuit now... I'm using my spoon to beat the ingredients into shape. Yeah, combining cooking with violence. Awesome. I can cook!"

"Yes of course you can dear."

"Die biscuit die. OK I'm pretty much done now."
That was how I made my giant cookie and my giant marshmallow jelly blob... I made a second marshmallow today which was successful but unfortunately not completely... well you see Marshmallows are normally dry solids that are soft... mine was a... not dry solid that was soft... it was soft all right. It tasted like marshmallow and is really good when you set it on fire... but it's not quite right. Hmm... anyhoo...
Have a nice day :) And try not to eat too much sugar because man it'll make you sick.

2 comments:

Sam-ham said...

Haha this took me forever to read. But it was worth it :) very enlightening and entertaining :) Also I can barely remember most of what you said because YOU SAID SO MUCH. It must suck to not do a media exam (its my favourite exam ever!) and that cookie looks awesome. Make me one! I remember you talking to me about that on msn :)

Michele said...

Jeeeeeezeus, that's the longest post I've ever read but at least I know who Lorna is now. I did Physics and Chemistry for my TEE too (back in the mists of time when it was called Leaving and Matriculation), plus English, Geography, Maths II and Maths III. Can't count the number of times I've since used calculus and trig (because there haven't been any) but for some reason I still remember Bernoulli's Law, always handy when you think your plane's about to crash. Nice biscuit.