Monday, April 20, 2009
Well don't worry! This blog shall not be awkward but it will be enlightening about the top secret secrets of women's business!
For starters: All women are manic depressive werewolves. Well it makes sense right? You see (my childish brain believes this because) they are obsessed with shaving their legs. Women are generally very hairless all over so why the need to shave? Well it's because once a month they turn into werewolves. Because of this they then suffer from mood swings and become very irritable (becoming a wolf normally does... let's not get into what they do in the style of a dog...) once a month (I assume it has something to do with the moon because it happens as often as the lunar cycle). After they've had a few psychotic moments, shaved their legs and calmed down they're back to their normal loving selves :) Unless they were always moody and evil in which case run because she doesn't need fangs to hurt you!
Women feel that they have a special place on their body that only a special man may one day be allowed to see. Well what exactly is this special place!? I'd like to see it one day if it's that special. Well quite simply this "special place" which a woman tries to keep for her special man is quite low down on her body. "Her stomach?" you might ask ignorant foolish man-boy-thing! No it's lower... that's right! It's the soles of her feet. (Say whaaaa?) Silence parenthesis person! Well quite simply, women are obsessed with shoes! (No duh!) They always have lots of shoes! The bottom of their feet are pretty much always covered in a variety of ways. Now why would they need all those shoes? They're hiding their special place yet showing off the general area to tease the nearby guys! Why else do you think they get so excited and just have to tell us about shoes that they bought? (I mean, seriously why the hell do we care? You already have a pair of shoes...) That my man-friends is why the most generic piece of dating advice is "compliment her on her shoes." (along with complimenting her on her hair and clothes as to not appear too foreword. You don't want her to think you think she's easy. By which I mean easy to get her shoes off.) You compliment her shoes... and you might get lucky enough to see the soles of her feet. It may sound strange at first but trust me... there's a lot of stuff about women's feet on the internet that some people may find shocking.
It makes sense. My logic makes sense doesn't it? I see no other explanation possible thus I must be correct by default! :)
Anyhoo, I hope I have enlightened you all on the secret of women's business :) Now you are one of the very few (besides women themselves) who know about this top secret knowledge! Use it wisely my man-friends.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Many people say things that are wrong and stupid. You for one are reading this blog which is a very stupid thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you double the dumb?)
Anger also prevents us from apologising when we're obviously wrong. It also makes us arrogant and think we're above the other person. This is not one of those times. I know for a fact that I'm right! (Now that statement no one would pay any attention to but when you think about it it's very complex and weird. For you see, I say I know that I'm right that you're wasting your life reading this blog but to tell you that I'm right about it you must continue to read after I have told you to stop and thus if you stop reading before I say it I'm wrong... But if you've read this explanation then I'm right. And I'm still right. I'm continueing to be right! Why do you continue to prove me right!? I pity you...)
That is, assuming I am right... but if I'm not then I'm wasting my life saying you're wasting yours (but then how am I wrong if this is pointless for me to do how does it become meaningful for you to read?)
Well OK I have something and you try to find a constructed meaning in it... it is part of the goal of Atheistic and Theistic Exstentialism and there is such a thing as meaning or value in both. It is essential an individual creats meaning in life themselves...
OK that... meant nothing to my arguement. Absurdism! The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is a futile gesture but the pursuit itself may have meaning...
OK.... that actually didn't go where I wanted it to go. I wanted it go "There is no meaning but you can try to find it." Well that was fascinating wasn't it? Oh yes... oh and by the way in nihilism everything is pointless entirely and without question! And that makes me AAAAANNNGGGRRYYYY!!! (rar!)
Well here I am... wallowing in ANGER (Which is now in CAPITALS) because Nihilism done hurted me. There should always be a reason behind things. A good reason. Having good reasons behind things prevents ANGER from happening. I feel that if you are angry at someone you shouldn't overreact but if you're angry you obviously have a reason to be angry and this very fact should hint that the person who did the angerering (that's a word!... like, yeah, totally) should probably rethink their motives behind their actions. If they actually didn't do anything perhaps the person who got angry is just suffering from psychosis and is crazy?
I like to think that this imaginary person with no connection to life (non-mimetic in every sense of the word. Down to the tittle) isn't crazy and therefore has a reason. To say the person who supposedly did the bad thing is the only one to think things through is to say that the angered person is infallible and since they're not the pope (who doesn't get angry so we've instantly ruled him out at the beginning) then they too need to reconsider things.
OK so let's both put these imaginary people in the naughty corner in opposite sides of the imaginary room thingy... of... stuff. OK no. No I say they'll be in a large stadium! For playing basketball! No! Icehockey! (We're talking about ANGER here so duh!) OK so everyone needs to calm down and decide who exactly went wrong...
The problem is in many situations both of the people did something wrong. This is not the case. (Why? WELL BECAUSE I SAID SO! RRAAARRRR!!! Plus, it's a lot easier to say one person's wrong if you're angry so you don't have to blame yourself... that and there's too many variables in two people being wrong. Even more complicated if there's a third person who comes in wearing silly clothes. Or maybe one of the peoples clothes? THAT would probably get someone angry. "You stole my clothes!" "You killed my mother!" "She lied to me! She said we could both kill your mother!" "What? Who are you?" "Who are you!?" "Who's talking!?" "Who said that!?" "I'm androgynous!" "You're imaginary! And text! How can we tell?" "Because he just told you." "I'm a girl." "Aha! Proof you're androgynous!") So Person A has done something that has upset Person B and now Person B is experimenting with Voodoo dolls while Person C starts setting fire to Person A's house because Person D is dead.
No I just realised that this is incredibly ridiculous! What the hell? Oh for let's just say Person A did something bad, Person B has every right to be angry but shouldn't yell and go RARRR at Person A because of something I call regret.
Regret. It consumes you... it makes you go waaaaa!!! Then hurt yourself. It causes us to wallow around saying pathetic things to people but then again they deserve to hear "sorry"? How can you tell? This is an out of context, completely unexplained minimalist hypothetical situation and so is you answered anthing then waaaaa!!! I'm sorry for not explaining this! (I'm a bad person and I smell. I don't really but I'm regretful and so I'm going to say mean things about myself.)
Many people regret things that are wrong and stupid. You for one are reading this blog which is a very regretful thing to do... you're regretting wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you wasted your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you double the dumb? "Yes! Yes I am! I'm sorry! I feel so bad...")
Regret also prevents us from standing up when we're obviously right.... because then the other person will get ANGRY at us.
So to conclude: we're trapped. Help. We're in a vicious cycle! We can't escape! We're just going to go from ANGER to regret to ANGER to regret and then repeat because we don't like to accept the idea that maybe we did something right... or maybe we're wrong... or maybe we're just plain confusing... The person who wins is the one smart enough to give a proper reason as to why someone else did something wrong.
This has been an unusual and, as always, unhelpful explanation to why I believe my conclusions are rational and not motivated my anger. Or was it? Now that statement is something you wouldn't pay attention to but when you think about it it's very complex and weird... because you see I said it was hypothetical and imaginary so was I talking about myself or just an example of what I would do? (Yes, I break into Ice Hockey rinks to be angry...)
For you see, you're wasting your life reading this blog... because it's very very repetitive...
Repetitiveness. It dulls us. It makes us go AAAGGHHH! Then try to kill ourselves. It causes us to bang our heads against the walls saying random things to no one but then again maybe we deserve it? How can you tell? This is an out of context, completely unexplained minimalist REAL LIFE SITUATION so if you answered anything then AGGGHHH!!! You're giving in to the repetitiveness! (and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you just skipped this didn't you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person for not reading this because I'm actually typing this not just copying and pasting you smell and you're a bad person and you smell and you're a bad person and you smell.... I don't actually know this but I'm repetitive so I'm going to repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself.)
Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very repetitive thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you the dumbest person on earth for reading this far?) Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very anyone who reads this sentence will have gold. life. Haha the more you read the morI promise you riches if you comment saying the word Arkansow dumbest person on earth for reading this far?) Many people say/do things that are repetitive and boring. You for one are reading this blog which is a very repetitive thing to do... you're wasting your life. Haha the more you read the more you waste your life while I mock you! (Well aren't you the dumbest person on earth for reading this far?)
Have a nice day. For you are free now. I have released you.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
As recalled and written by Bilby P. Dalgyte, based upon his experiences from the afternoon of Friday the 3rd of April to the morning of Saturday the 4th of April.
- The Corsage
- Getting Dressed
- The Preball and Evil Brigade
- The Photographer
- The Ex Girlfriend
- Guys and Dolls
- The Psychologist
- Emperor Penguin
- Dance Floor
The Corsage:I open the protective bag that holds the suit I've hired out. Suddenly I realise something. I don't have a corsage. I rush downstairs to tell my mother that I don't have one and she suggests we quickly rush down to the shops to get one!Oh yes, plus I just so happened to call Lorna (cutest entity on earth. Screw you baby bunny rabbits! Lorna owns you in terms of cuteness!) 5 minutes before that saying "Yeah I'm ready feel free to come round in half an hour." So guess what I should never ever say when I'm NOT ACTUALLY DRESSED YET?To the shops! Do do da do! (Not-so-epic driving from one place to another) I'm busy putting on my shoes because as comfortable I am getting strange looks in public I think I'm pushing it a bit walking into a florist with wet hair (shower) and bare feet that clearly show off my metallic green and purple toenails. (OK it was LORNA'S FAULT OK? She thought it would be fun to paint them and so I gave in after her asking me 25 times in a row if she could. I'm whipped and I love it.) So we walk in and turns out you have to pre-order these things (Thanks mum for telling me this beforehand...) OK! Not to worry, Lorna is not known for her punctuality (Her cuteness overshadows this.) so we try another store (FAIL!) before going home empty handed (on the bright side... I didn't spend any money? I'm sure Lorna will see my side of the story when I mention NOT SPENDING MONEY ON HER! Yeah you can tell that I am one of those guys who really understand women! :D) Oh well no corsage but that's fine I'll just get changed into my suit (which is quite smashing) so... I do...
Getting Dressed:Getting dressed! Yay! This is where I prove that I'm a big boy! :) OK there's a tie.... OK skip that bit I can't do that. OK now there's a shirt. Yeah I know that... waistcoat thing... um... why are these strappy like things on the back? Huh? OK jacket. Woo! That got on fine... Somewhere in this desperate attempt to quickly button things up... Lorna arrives. Agh! Where's my manly ability to get dressed FASTER THAN THE GIRL!? (OK seriously... what the hell!? I'm a GUY! I put clothes on I walk downstairs I wait 15 minutes for Lorna to finish doing her hair! Oh the irony!) Well the last thing to put on is the shoes. "Size 11" they say. Huh? Who gave me size 11 shoes!? As I struggle to get the tightly fitting pair of shoes I think "What idiot gave me these!? Why do I have size 11!?" then suddenly they slip on and everything is fine... "Oh... that's why..." Then I stand up. "Wah! I'm abnormally taller!". OK get all my stuff on and I'm thinking that I look pretty awesome already (even though I haven't seen a mirror) and soon discovered the shoes that I thought were ridiculously shaped and sized were just that... ridiculously shaped and sized. Traversing down stairs should never be attempted in shoes that long.
I meet Lorna at the bottom of the stairs and she looks GORGEOUS! A real beauty standing right there.
I sure hope she doesn't notice the fact that she doesn't have a corsage... or that my shirt isn't tucked into my pants...
...or the fact that my pants are crooked and I don't have my cufflinks in. Oh yes... Stylish.
"I need help with my tie."
Oh yes, time for the big grown up teenager who is taking his girlfriend of the past nearly a year to the year 12 Ball for the last year of highschool before he goes off to Uni to bend down slightly so his mother can reach up and try to do his tie up... You may laugh and mock me sir but I have the true victory! The victory for me here is... I get other people to do things for me! (Sucker! I've got slaves! I've got minions! I'm... completely dependant...) Anyhoo after a lot of trying, we finally get the tie the right length, tuck in all of my shirt, get my cufflinks in and then the pants... they're crooked somehow and adjusting them won't work. There's a tag in them! Huh? "OK takes off your pants..." "What? No!" "Not here! I don't want to see you take them off..." Cue the innapropriate joke about Lorna and me taking my pants off (oh yes we ALL KNOW you're thinking of those innapropriate jokes! I know I was! But I dare not say it near my mother...) so I return with my pants on my arm and them being replaced by camouflage patterned shorts...
Oh yeah I wish I had pictures of that. Me with camouflage pants on... and complete formal attire from the waist up. Nothing says best Year 12 Ball ever like arriving to find that your boyfriend is not only not dressed but needs to wear camouflage pants with his jacket and tie... ("I'm going to be late to my own wedding and dress in camouflage pants!" "Please don't...") Don't worry the problem is soon fixed and I'm soon wearing proper pants again (and THIS time I actually wore black socks to go with my shoes! Yeah it takes me about... 3 tries to get dressed properly?) Anyhoo, it's time to take pretty pictures before heading off to the Preball!
Flash, Flash, Click, Exchange cameras, More Flashing, Stealing camera and taking GENERIC MYSPACE PHOTO! (Stretching up camera to get a slightly high-angle of face without actually getting any detail of the person thus making it the worst and most pathetic kind of photo when YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT! DUH!)
Yes, I got a picture of me looking evil too :)
And yes, Lorna DID notice that she didn't have a corsage...
The Preball and Evil Brigade:
"Where am I going?" "Here." I hand my mother the invitation. "Now I've got two of these things..."
10 minutes later. We're there! AN's house (or at least I think it was... yeah AN is a codename because EVERYONE has a codename... except for Brooke... Seriously why are you the odd one out actually using their REAL name!? Loner! I am also probably most likely not allowed to mention AN's name on the internet or she'll hunt me down and hurt me... stalkers. Anyhoo...) has a few people out front looking exceptionally stylish in their black suits. Not many people are there yet but they arrive eventually. There's some introducing and comparing of cufflinks and shoes (Practically ALL the guys had the same long pointyish black shoes as I did, at least one other person had the same cufflinks but I was the only one with a gold tie and Ganesh has the most awesome cufflinks of all time. Guess what they were? They where the G's from scrabble in cufflink form. How awesome is that?) and many hugs, parents taking pictures, and people going "Wow you look so good!" (people coming over to me and mentioning how short Lorna is). TTTSNB had a trenchcoat, red tie and sunglasses so that was pretty cool. Ninka had an epic purple dress and of course I'm the one who has to mention that it could be even more epic if it had spikes and was on fire....
"It'd be really epic! Not as beautiful though but still pretty epic!"
Boyfriend walks over. Punches me. Walks back to her side.
Ow. OK. DON'T say dumbs things AGAIN! (I've said that before!... many times... unfortunately)
Lorna points out that Ninka has a corsage. So does Brooklyn and she hasn't even got a boyfriend.
The Evil Brigade seemed to be forming. Yeah, some guys just look EVIL in suits. TTTSNB included. Rat Boy and Little Willy both joined him in the foundation of The Evil Brigade (or so I had decided to nickname it later. No one seemed to pay attention to me though.) and at one point in time we started talking about mafia hit men and comparing us to The Godfather movies (which I haven't seen unfortunately) and putting "Don" next to our surnames. Mine didn't sound good but Slonkey's did. Don Serafini. While we were discussing this AN's mother brought out food and commanded us all to eat it (urgh. Suit tight enough as it was. Note to self: breath out slightly when getting measurements... chances are you'll get it slightly tighter than expected.)
We then started to comment on the pockets of all the clothes. Mine were all real. G mentioned that the ones on the outside of his jacket were fake and so were Cheeses. Only some of the ones on TTTSNB were real. Ninka's boyfriend got annoyed at how only the ones on the inside of his jacket were real. Meanwhile: "Ha! Mine are ALL real!"
So then I got punched again... damn... failed again at not being stupid. Well jokes on him my pockets were real instead of cloth designed to look like an opening that didn't go anywhere.
Someone's grandmother walked past. She had a massive line of stitches going down the back of her head behind her ear.
"Did you just call me Godzilla's girlfriend? I'm Godzilla's latest girlfriend!" *shows us the large cut* "I had a date with a surgeon."Pause. "Well he just doesn't know how to seperate his work from his personal life..." No one laughed at my joke. "I could've delivered that a lot better couldn't I?" Ganesh nods. (You see Ganesh is the only one I've mentioned who hasn't had a username, codename or nickname... His name really IS Ganesh! I'm surprised he found a suit large enough with enoguh sleeves for his name arms. It's just such an odd name there's nothing else we call him... oh woops we call him Gandalf. Damn. Now everyone can stalk him because he has such a unique name out of all of us... oh well! Nice knowing you Ganesh! Stalkers will soon hunt you down when you sleep... hahaha yeah I'm evil and I don't care!) Anyhoo we talked, we ate, we exchanged stories of our previous conquests (as you do with your ball date by your side), we drank non-alcoholic wine which to me tasted so incredibly bizarre... then it was time for photographs!
The Photographer:Professional photographer had been included in AN's Preball costs. Money for food, photos and most importantly: Limo! But in the meantime: Photos! Apparently AN (I'd like to point out that's not even her real initials.) had the same photographer as she did last year because we was pointing to people and saying their names and then turning to me and going "Have I met you? No... No I haven't." A brief introduction and we were off having group photos near the fish pond! How exciting! After that came the couple photos so Lorna and I are up and ready to go get our photos taken! "So whats your name?" She says. "Lorna." "Wow Lorna's a really scottish name." "Well she is Scottish." "Oh really? OK so we have a Scot and... a Canadian." (Referring to ME!?) "What!?" "Oh sorry you're Irish!" "WHAT!?" "OK where are you from? You're not Australian... are you?" "Yes I am!" "And your parents?" "Australian!" "Wow you seriously have a foreign accent." "No I don't!" "See? Right there. OK well lean over this way and face there..."
Limo! Dun nun nun nun nun Limo! Limo! Limooooo! (Time for the holiday show! As we ride in a limo!) OK most of The Evil Brigade can't fit into the two limos and so they must go in their awesome car (which truly was quite cool... convertable or something. Didn't get a good look at it but it was silver and shiny!) whereas we must now sort out seating arrangements. Lorna and I must kick someone out of Limo B so we can go because Limo A is couples limo which seats of 3 opposite to 3 (Which really doesn't work for 3 couples because teenagers generally like to be sitting right next to their snuggle-toys instead of being unable to reach them even with their outstretched legs.) So Brooklyn and Cheese (Yeah no really we ALL have nicknames like this. Brooklyn is actually L's name for B and so L was Brooklyn but now B, who is F not L, is Brooklyn and L is L but their blog is authored by both of them and it's all confusing and they don't blog anymore unfortunately!) had to go with AN (She doesn't have a nickname that I know of...) and Ninka and their respective boyfriends while I got to go with Audrey Hepburn (We just called her that on the night because she looked like her.... apparently. I think that's who we mentioned. Famous actress. Oh yeah! Google Image search has confirmed to me that she was indeed quite Audrey Hepburny! Wow that actress looks pretty good... Anyhoo... She looked pretty dang awesome in her sleeveless dress that was, of course, black and let's just call her G for the remainder of this blog. Because... G why wouldn't we? OK... G... Gee? OK no laughs there. *awkward*) I also was riding with Sym.... and um... oh.... wait....
...who was in the Limo with me? Sym was opposite me, Lorna beside me.... crud. OK I'm pretty sure TTTSNB was there too I think...... he commented on how unfortunate it was for Brooklyn and Cheese to be banished to the land of COUPLES LIMO (With AN! AN!... Meh.) OK can we all just forget that I only really knew two people (Besides myself and Lorna) who were definitely in the Limo and can only speculate on the third? It's... kinda pathetic... oh my failing memory! I know Shmooface wasn't there... neither was Frasbert.... Rat Boy and Little Willy had gone in the car... oh urgh... um... hmm.... cornflake arrived later.
Oh! OK no it WAS Sym, G, Lorna, Me, Brooklyn, Cheese! OK and Gandalf and TTTSNB went off to be with AN and Ninka! OK I found out at school today so it's all good... quick post-edit there.
Oh well. We arrived at the chosen place (Challenge Stadium) on time and then it was time to meet everyone else to see just how they'd dressed...
The Ex Girlfriend:
Who do you want your current girlfriend to meet out of all the people in the world? If you said "My Ex! Because she's so damn awesome!" Then um.... uhh... go away. Now. Lorna has met her once before so all's good so no surprises there when you run into her right? Right?
Wrong! OK now lets let your mind just go over ALL the things you think could POSSIBLY GO WRONG!
OK your mind come up with at least three different scenarios that involve SOMEONE getting hurt somehow? OK good! What are they? Tell me them in the comments section! Oh yeah by the way...
You're wrong. Don't care what you thought was going to go wrong because nothing went wrong! There was an absolutely HUGE surprise though! Well OK Arterial is (the strangest nickname) not the most womanly of girls... plays video games a lot, likes to do tomboy-ish things really. She ALWAYS wears (long, baggy) pants but don't call her a man because she'll kick you (hard). When I found out she was coming to the ball I was trying to imagine her in a dress....
I spent some time... trying... really hard... to imagine her... in a dress. NOTHING came to mind (I have a vivid imagination.) and I assumed that if I actually managed to break down all the mental barriers that prevented me from imagining this impossibilty my mind would break and my nose will start to bleed and the world's biggest aneurism would've just occured. She really is one of those peope you really can't imagine in a dress (as you may have guessed) so this was the biggest shock ever!
I see Shmooface arrive with Jesus (yes... Jesus...) and Karkus looking al very fine in a suit and who... who's that next to Shmooface? No. NO! WHAT!? There's too many people in my way because I'm now RUNNING towards them thinking "HOLY F----ING S----!!!" and I arrive to see her looking absolutely stunning in an electric blue dress that shows off her arms (SHE HAS ARMS!?) and she seems to... no it's not possible. A feminine figure!? (She has a personality you know...) Her hair is cut and straightened and styled to look good! WHOA! I force Lorna to come over and meet the NEW Arterial who is like WHOA! (WHOA!) But still just Arterial even if the fact that she's in a dress and looks pretty messes with my brain. She truly was quite the shock of the evening but definitely not the best part of it.
She wasn't the only one dressed strangely or awesomely though...
Guys and Dolls:
Guys and dolls! We're just a bunch of guys and dolls! In formal attire! Yeah we're just in formal attire! OK this is actually going back in time a bit (Yeah Arterials dress was far more important than the space time continuum so I had to type it out of order so you all read it first!) to the point where we're all outside waiting for people to arrive! There were a few people.... yes there were a few people... and a few more. No. OK (I forgot where that sentence was going) I was introducing people to Lorna with my patented game show "Whoa look at this!" arm gesture (I have a patent it goes 1234MINE!ALLMINE!..... that was um... a patent number... thing.... OK still not funny? Damn I suck at this funny business...) and people go "Hello" (as you do) and then wave (as you do) then walk off (as you do) and socialised with other people who you actually know (as you do) and were looking forward to meeting (as you do). Not that no one wanted to meet Lorna it's just at this point in time she hadn't really run into anyone she hadn't already met or was really one of those who really wanted to meet her.
Cornflake arrives! Oh how she looks stunning! Like a princess out of a Disney movie in a large billowy (hope thats the right word) dress with a bow on the back! She truly does look wonderful and I truly hoped she knew it. Her ball date also arrived at the same time as her (as they do) and we were introduced to this strange new guy she called "Jason". (She probably called him that because it was his name... but I didn't put it to the test by asking him if he was in the witness protection program or if he was a hitman. I was a bit too distracted by Lorna's cuteness and Cornflakes awesome dress.)
It was time to go into the dark dark depths of Challenge stadium to somewhere I don't know. I don't know what it's used for normally but there was carpet all over and the space was huge. It looked huge and had a large curtain next to it... which opened up to an equally huge place where the tables and dancefloor was. Anyhoo, they had put some sort of circuses tent like ceiling of cloth over us (that stretched so very very far) and through it you could see rows and rows of seats elevated an entire story off the ground. They stopped quite suddenly though so it made me wonder just what exactly this particular part of the building was used for when it wasn't for highschool balls. I never found out because no one actually knew...
Well we're in this huge place, at the entrace stands two statues (I swear they were real! They were people with facepaint on I swear! They must've moved!) and something shooting foamy bubbles into the air that went with (what I later figured out) what the ball's theme was. "Winter Wonderland." A man was on a slightly raised platform with a huge block of ice and a chainsaw. As guest walk in her starts to carve it up and it eventually forms a unicorn as we watch. We walk past people serving drinks (which held a lot more Fanta in than the fancy glasses back at AN's house so I was happy about that even though my suit was not designed for stretching.) and as I looked over everyone arriving I started to pick out faces I knew. Lots of people looked quite good in their dresses and suits but normal for people who are wearing formal wear. Some stood out though. Lu (who is the worlds tallest Year 11. He'd be in Year 12 but he went away for a while and so had to redo Year 10. He'd still tower over Year 12's...) had straight hair which was quite different looking for those who know him because he has long REALLY curly hair (When I say curly I mean his looks like its made of springs... it curls a lot and is still quite long looking even when curly) so he has this HUGE long fluffly bunch of straight hair on his head you can see from miles away because he's a head over nearly everyone there. To help you imagine this (and to realise why it's blog-worthy) he was basically a younger and less buff version of Sabretooth from Xmen. Yeah that's right... The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants are out and about and one of them is at our ball! He seriously looked like Sabretooth.
Later on I walked up to Jason with the evil intent of asking him a question!!! Little did he knew he should be running because I'd had a few drinks (of Fanta) and I was slightly hyper with something to prove.... Think I'm going to hurt him? Nah I was just being really dramatic just then. I just wanted to ask him what country I sounded like I was from. "OK listening to the sound of my voice what country do you think I'm from?" "Um... oh you're definitely European." "What? OK seriously?" Then I tell him the story of the photographer. "OK so where are you from?" "I'm Australiam." "No but originally?" "Australia." "Buy your parents?" "Australia!" "Grandparents?" "Australia! I'm Australian!"
Next to join The Evil Brigade was Jason. No, a different one. He also had straightened his hair (which is normally very large) and so looked exceptionally evil with this long black hair covering one eye as he walked along in a pure black suit and bright blood red tie. Black suit and blood red tie basically make you look evil. Rat Boy and Little Willy both had black suits and red ties. As they walked past I would mention how they were the Evil Brigade. (People still didn't care.)
Yeah but one thing EVERYONE cared about was the guy dressed up as the one, the only, The Joker! Green hair, white face paint with a smile and dark eyes. His waistcoast and tie were green and purple and he seriously looked like The Joker! Everyone thought that was absolutely awesome! (Including me! Don't forget me! I'm included guys! Include me! Include me! I'm lonely...)
Jimmy came dressed looking like a nerd... with big nerdy glasses with no lenses in them... how bizarre... meh. Screw you strange person who didn't dress excitingly! The teachers were more interesting than you! I ran into a lot of old teachers like... um... that guy... had him for year 9 Electronics. I don't know his name! Science teacher. Then I ran into Mrs Evans (which we all know is pretty cool.) and we discussed how the Year 11's are treating her. Apparently none of them seemed to compare to the sheer awesomeness and interesting behaviour that I exhibited (I sound so weird when I put it like that...) and she's got quite a boring class in comparison to last years one (that of course had ME in it!). She then decided to watch some guy who she thought was drunk or stoned or something and seemed not quite right... she's still getting the strange ones she is...
Lorna might have mentioned that a few of the people had corsages and she didn't...
The curtain opened and we all walked to our tables. I was on Table 16. 16 is a nice number... I like 16... yes... it's very nice.... yes... yes... 16 yes... yes... Ahem. Anyhoo... After about a few songs the DJ tells us all to go sit down and eat because unfortunately he'll get in trouble if no one actually eats anything... There's some bread... great. Bleh. There's people serving food on either side so after a bit of waiting we go up and get food...
...well... some food. Not much. They gave us a potato thing. It was definitely a potato. Not much of one. Obviously hadn't been growing for very long it was tiny! If Lorna was a potato and she was proportional to other potatos... the potato I was given to eat would be small compared to Lorna... OK that's a terrible terrible analogy where I call Lorna tiny and a potato (mm-mm tastes good with sauce!) but yeah... very tiny potato. Now I'm hungry... grr anyway. I mean hoo! Hoo! Anyhoo! (No! NOT allowed to use REAL English words! Erm um uh... I can has good spleling now plse? K thnks bai.) There was also some meat and salad! So I ate some meat! (Salad!? What!? Huh!? I got my mother to pay $100 for salad!? Yeah that's right! She paid for me. I got my mother to pay for the Ball and the suit! Oh yeah... that.... was actually my birthday present... "paying for the ball" was my birthday present....... yeah I'm fine with that suckers. Everyone else paid hundreds of dollars. I got someone else to do it for me. I only spent $77 for AN's Photographer and Limo fee. The only person who beat me in terms of least money spent was Slonkey who paid a total of $10. I don't even remember what that $10 was on...) Then there were even more (non-alcoholic) drinks at the table so there was much drinking of the sugary drinks and such! Oh yes there will be drinking of sugary drinks.
I love my schweppervescence...
Dinner was soon over and then came some dancing... some talking... then there's a mild blank in my mind but at one point we decide to go get photographs!
You were expecting me to talk about photographs now weren't you? Oh no you don't get that! No you don't! Well... you do get it later... so all is well. You can stop hating me now! OK well Lorna and I want to go get photographs from the OTHER professional photographers that AREN'T going to call me strange things like "Canadian" (What is that anyway!? A drink!?) but on our way between the opening in the curtain that seperates the two large rooms we ran into someone who seemed about 40 years old...
"Hello" she said. "Hello. Bah! Hello! You're the school psychologist!" (Who I'm pretty sure is called Kim.) Yes! Yes she is! And not just any school psychologist for my wonderful Highschool... but the former school psychologist of my former primary school! Basically... she knows me from year 4. Oh yes... saying hello to the school psyche in formal wear...
Nothing beats saying hello to the school psyche in formal wear..... WITH A GIRL! *Patented game show host arm gesture* Lorna! Meet the school psyche and psyche meet my wonderful cute little girlfriend Lorna! You see cornflake goes to the psyche every now and then and because I'm so awesome she just HAS to mention me and mentioned how I have a girlfriend. Kim was surprised and goes "Really?" "Yeah! He's had three!" "Well that's three more than I expected him too." Oh burn! Ouch... well understandable considering she hasn't ever really talked to me since year 4... Yeah well I'll show you psychologist! I'm better now! (Yeah I said that a lot... "I'm better now." Oh yes... not strange at all you know!) I have a girlfriend who I'm not afraid to hug and I've been dating for the past 10 and a half months! (She kept having to be reminded of this... yeah I wasn't trying to force it into her mind or make a point she honestly kept forgetting! "So 6 months?" "10 and a half." "Oh wow!" Then five minutes later: "So 8 and a half months was it?" "10 and a half.") So I was busy catching up with the good old psyche talking about what I've been up to and how I've developed into a perfectly functional member of society who has no major issues at all.... and how I set things on fire at my birthday (explained why I'm 710) and how that's perfectly normal for a teenager and I'm perfectly fine... You know all teenagers set things on fire! And it was ALL SHMOOFACE'S FAULT ANYWAY! (Yeah, at my party as people were leaving they all blamed Shmooface for the massive pile of molten wax from the 710 birthday candles we melted on the back stairs.) So I'm perfectly normal. Yes... She asked me what I was planning on doing in the future and I mentioned that I was going to be into Media and how Lorna is already doing that at TAFE. She's going to be a producer and I'd like to be a director/writer. I was suggested a movie to watch about some guy and a psychologist and a mother that abadons him or something... I forgot what it was called. Oh well... Then I mentioned that if I wasn't doing film ect as my future career I'd want to do psychology. It's truly fascinating! Human behaviour is the most interesting thing in the world. (I wasn't trying to impress the psyche... oh no...) Human behaviour is so complex and intricate and influenced by so many things and you have so many reasons and motives to do all sorts of things. Media influences what we say or do or feel and act. "Welcome to the guy who's going to influence what your grandchildren will grow up thinking and feeling."
Then mentioned family... and how I'm completely better now it's just my family is two steps behind on developing being normal... Yeah because we all know that I'm the normal one!
Then I said goodbye to the good old school psyche and we continued our journey to the line of people waiting to get photos!
Well the line isn't too long but it seems to be taking it's time. The Evil Brigade walks past me and Rat Boy hands me a flower for some reason. Corsage! I try to give it to Lorna but she points out it's not for the woman it's the flower the guy puts in his front pocket. So I was stuck with a flower that kept falling out. Well a few people walked past and tada! More hand gesturing and going "Look it's a Lorna!" and people go "Oh so you're Lorna! I've heard so much about you! (Pause) All good things of course!" Pretty much everyone has to pause and then mention that it was all good things... you know just in case I had said something terrible about my girlfriend...? No of course I wouldn't...
TTTSNB was in line in front of me and guess what humiliating thing he had to do? He had to get a photo with his sister! Little sister (blasted year 11's) called Rhea (Like Dia or Gonna... yeah those preffixes are spelt incorrectly I know but shut up. Not words I see written down often for a reason...) and he basically doesn't like his sister... Twas his mothers orders to get a photo with the two of them. So I'm in line laughing about it and then they step forward onto the place where they were to be photographed. You know those sheets that they prop up as a background? Those things. "That'd be so hilarious if the guy got them to hug! Hahaha! Hey do you think they're going to have to hug? Haha he's going to hate this so much!" Guess what happened 10 seconds later? The photographer came over and put his arm around her waist! Cue loud laughter. Too bad TTTSNB you have to smile as I mock you or it just takes longer!!!
The low moment of his night is over now and it's time for me to get a photo with Lorna! You know the section about me getting a photos taken of me for the third time that evening was basically just so I could tell the story about TTTSNB... hehehe. OK but I'll tell you about me getting my picture taken. We had to hold, smile, look at each other, smile some more and then the guy told me my hair was in the way of my face. Yeah randoms in the street might love my hair but photographers think "No get it out of the way!"
Lorna pointed out that the people she had just met had corsages...
Then it was over and then the night continued.... a bit of dancing ensued before it was time to give out awards!
I was handed a sheet of paper with sections on it to vote for Bell of the Ball and other things. Most popular girl and guy. Best couple. Best dressed guy (which is the only one I remember the odd name of. Yeah they all had different names to them. Best dressed guy was "Emperor Penguin." They were winter themed I remember that much.) Best dressed girl. And then random awards for year 11's that weren't as numerous or imporant. I didn't know any year 11's except for one I had seen there but I didn't know her last name so I just put it down. Of course I needed to vote cornflake for best dressed girl because quite frankly no one else looked like a princess.... and she really wanted to win something. The rest I filled in half-half with Lorna because I knew people's surnames.
A few minutes later Mr Martin (The Man behind it all! The one and only 6"4 giant maths teacher who has been telling us lame jokes since year 8 but is still cool anyway!) stands on stage and announces the winners of the numerous awards!
cornflake didn't win any...
Best dressed girl I didn't know... nor the Bell of the Ball. But the male equivalent I knew. No one else though...
....except... for THE JOKER!!! That's right! The Joker won BEST DRESSED MALE! The Joker is Emperor Penguin! Man that guy just keeps winning awards long after his death... good on him!
Only an hour and a half left! To the dancefloor! I promised cornflake a dance so she had one before I returned back to Lorna's side to spent the rest of the night dancing until our feet hurt and our arms were tired...
Because I'm just a teenage dirt-bag baby, come see Iron maiden with me on Friday don't say maybe... yeah RIP Wheatus. (Well you're not dead you're just a one-hit wonder.) Yes that was basically the BEST song that was playing that night. A few other ones I really liked but they was because they were the only rock songs. OK seriously Solja Boi and Baby got Back? And that song that goes "Put your hands up, put your hands up, put your hands up for Detroit! I love this city." again and again. Promiscuous girl ect ect. Those sorts of songs that you know... can dance to? I'd hate to listen to them if I could avoid it but something about dancing with Lorna in a giant group of bobbing heads and flashing lights (designed solely for the purpose of CAUSING EPILEPTIC SEIZURES!? f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-flashing lights!) that made it all kinda really fun! The music was so loud you could feel the vibrations thump against your chest and you knew that if you were where Sabretooth was standing then your ears would be screwed for the rest of the week if not the rest of your life because he was 3 metres away RIGHT NEXT to the speakers! OK seriously those things were really loud! You had to go up to someone and yell into their ear to be heard and it wasn't a very good chance you would...
Oh man I'm tired... better steal one (or two) of those cool drinks! I walk over to the table and pick out two and put them into my pockets. Then guess what I found under the table? It wasn't actually at this point in time I just don't know where to really fit in this part of the story into what I've written already (oh yeah plus while we waited for votes to be tabulated I was playing with a pen. I was also doing magic tricks where I magically made the flower from my pocket appear in my sleeve. It was dodgy at best.) so OK! Well no alcohol allowed at the ball. Someone ignored this and brought a bottle of alcohol to the ball! And drank it! And left it underneath my table! Near my seat! No one on my table had of course drank it... hmm... I picked it up and showed it to everyone... it was pretty interesting... yep... mhm... one of the true highlights of the evening. Anyhoo! Shoved it back under the tablecloth and walked away (I'm such a criminal oooohhh)
We're exiting the Stadium and some guy comes up to me and goes "Can you just empty your pockets?" and I think "Oh no I've been discovered!" I take out one of the drinks and he goes "Oh that's OK it just looked like you had a bunch of stuff in your pockets." Oh OK so I'm allowed to take the drinks! Well duh! They were being served to us I think they'd prefer it if we drank them all instead of it all being a waste... oh well... Sabretooth apparently stole 10 of them and had them in all his pockets. He also stole the stretchy seat covers... he wasn't allowed to steal those though. (He's an evil mutant what does he care if you don't like him stealing seat covers!? They're flipping seat covers!!)
I went home and Lorna and I changed into non-formal clothes (as you do) then went to Shmooface's for a calm afterball with no alcohol and just a few movies! Yay! We watched a Family Guy episode, Good Luck Chuck (Dane Cook must've LOVED being in that movie!) then Resident Evil. OK these were on a large plasma screen TV connected to a computer so these weren't DVD's... these were AVI's.... So it theoretically shouldn't stuff up like a DVD right and freeze? Well too bad! Resident Evil froze for a little bit before resuming (there was no way Shmooface's computer was lagging... it's far too awesome to lag just playing a movie.) and then stuffed up just before the evil monster was shot (but doesn't die) and before whatshername becomes a zombie so yeah... but that didn't matter because I was basically going home at that point in time at 4 in the morning after a long night of dancing and talking...
Lorna told me it was fine that I hadn't got her a corsage... she didn't mind at all really.
Sleep... oh how I welcomed thee.....
Sleep was relatively uneventful as always. Waking up at 8:30 with Lorna in my arms was pretty fun though...
Wait, what!? Hahaha OK no I'm not kidding........ just forgot to mention that I had woken up at 8 and walked over to hug Lorna and nodded off for a bit thus making you think that I had slept with her when in reality I hadn't! Haha I messed with your brain for fun :)
Then I went back to sleep and never ever woke up again...
Basically... It was an AWESOME night! I enjoyed every moment of it from start to finish! I wish I had gone to the year 11 ball last year because it's kinda sad that chances are I won't be doing this again. This was fun and I'm very glad I got over my fear of dancing and formal wear to come and attend something that will be with me for the rest of my life! It was absolutely wonderful and I wish it hadn't ended!.... Because Schoolwork isn't as fun...
OK! A cookie for the poor sad person who had to read ALL of that! Well here's something that will help you cool down after that EPIC BLOG ENTRY! It's my NEW BLOG! Which is pretty cool and has scripts in it. Check it out. But if you're too lazy to click on that and want to know the link then here it is: http://theuniverseofbilby.blogspot.com/ Enjoy it! Now!