Friday, October 31, 2008

This is Halloween

OK! Halloween, time the butt ugly come out to play... as in all the annoying little neighbourhood kids. Anonymity rules! I can insult anyone! Although apparently my anonymity is being threatened by some anonymous person who is most likely reading this... OH! OH! Another idea! :D hahaha! OK, Becca (the evil terrorist who still forces me to blog even as we speak!.... which... is what I'm doing right now...) might have recommended her favourite blog to people (who wouldn't?) and so you, mysterious stranger, may be a friend of hers! Yes! If I have guessed correctly then I am brilliant and wonderful! If I have guessed incorrectly I would have only have increased my number of suspects to a bigger number... one that will take time to shrink. Well I have determined that you're not a friend of my girlfriend and you're located within Australia (unless your friend is in Australia but you yourself live in New Zealand! Which is unlikely because... she was looking over your shoulder during your last blog entry so therefore you must definitely be in Australia and I have also proved that people read your blog and pay attention to the things in it!) OK... well you're therefore the friend of potentially a bunch of people I know...

... and then all of a sudden there's a murder in the Library and Marple and Poirot bind together to make one big SUPER DETECTIVE! They must solve the mystery of who the hell are you Brooklyn!? and the dead body in the library... dang... man that's going to smell in a couple of days you might want to move it... hmmm ye gad...


Anyhoo, halloween... yes it's so much fun! I love it I really do... even though I've never trick and/or treated in my life... well... unless you really count what I'm about to tell you what I do as tricking... yes! OK maybe it does :) Well my mother (being the stern woman she is) has decided that I need to be protected from the friendly neighbourhood PSYCHOPATHS! (We all know one... don't we just? mwahahagagagagjahagawa! Bizarre maniacal laughs are fun!) so I'm basically not allowed to take candy from strangers... yeah also need to be home before 8... Yeah but before then I can go out and do whatever I want, knock on doors ect... I just can't EAT STUFF! Which is fine because I don't actually like sugar that much (and I am a horribly twisted mutant who doesn't even like CHOCOLATE! AGH! RUN AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE!) so I have learnt to compensate for not getting sugar on this 31st of October by doing other things to amuse myself...

... evil... things....

... dark... twisted...


.... that don't involve eggs...

What they do involve is my friend (yes I have friends too Mrs B. You're not the only one with an odd friend who does things and tells you stuff and talks when talked to! ha!) We basically go round to local houses with whatever strange idea we have for that particular year and do it. Well by that I mean we get really enthusiastic, come up with a brilliantly funny idea and he chickens out constantly and I nag him "come on this house! It has lights on! oh that one is in the open! Come on just one house..." until we eventually knock on about two or three doors then go home... of course this takes about an hour or two of walking around aimlessly before we achieve what we came out here to do. "WHAT THE HELL IS IT YOU DO!? TELL US DARNIT! TEEEEELLLL UUUSSSS!!!" you might be screaming at your computer screen right now with anticipation (I like it when people yell things in anticipation... means they're anticipating something... :P yeah!) well it's simple: we do odd things... such as the following:

First year we came up with this annual tradition it was simple. Christmas Carolling for money. Yeah, that's right, we went round (completely costumeless) and decided to go christmas carolling around at places for money! One person just smiled, shoved candy into our hands and said "happy halloween" before trying to get rid of us before we could even tell her that WE DIDN'T WANT YOUR CANDY WOMAN! Yeah I know I shouldn't yell but LET US SING DARNIT! IT'S HALLOWEEN! So yeah, ended up singing very little songs that evening because neither of us could actually sing and no one actually wanted us too... except one house that was very amused by this idea and told us to wait when they went to get their wallets so they could pay us for half a rendition of "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" before we decided to walk briskly/run away... then I went home to watch Mythbusters (which was the style at the time)

Second year we did this... I think that was the year we handed out business cards........ for the mafia :) Need a hit-man? Call us! Don't need one? We whack you! We left them on people's cars, underneath their newly delivered yellow pages and even tryed handed them out to people walking past (who then met up with us again and asked for more... we denied the cards existence. We've never heard of this "mafia" you speak of and definitely do not promote killing people for money......... *shifty eyes*) The last thing we did was knock on the door of the person across the street from my friends house (he hid in the bushes of his house so he wasn't seen by his neighbours... why come along dude? You just try to avoid being seen or doing anything!) and handed the card to a slightly confused/entertained middle aged woman... who I then asked for money from and she laughed at me and said "no." So I said she shouldn't mess with me I'm part of the mafia... which mob of gangsters I was part of and who their leader (if any) was completely unclear to her... and me really... Strange how that mafia doesn't actually seem to exist...

OK I think we missed a year sometime but the next time we did someone we decided to print out satanic business cards (call 666-666-669...2) which had a pentagram in the middle and the Star of David around the edges (I apologise to the Jewish culture for that... but you know, I was going to see if anyone actually noticed the difference... no one did... in fact I don't remember even handing out any...)Well that year was pretty boring...

Last year! woo! yeah! My friends who were online that night when I got home should know this story very well (Hey ya coolest cheerleader around! :P Yeah you know who you are!... even if you probably will never read this... even though I'll tell you to on monday or something... everyone else who reads this who know who I'm talking about tell her that I mentioned her so she can go "oh cool! awesome ily!" or "garw6sh! Stalker lol nah just kidding") Well the story is as follows: why hand out business cards? They're boring... why not delve into IRONY! (Irony: as in that thing that I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!) Well (for those who don't know) Halloween works by simply having little kids in costumes knock on doors and the adults handing out unhealthy sugary stuff... now, if you were to reverse this slightly you'd get what my friend and I did: Well we were BIG kids WITHOUT costumes knock on people's doors and try to hand the adults nice, healthy apples! :D Yeah, we grabbed a bunch of apples, put them in a bag (and my pocket) and went round offering people apples! Well interestingly enough my mother isn't the only one cautious of people handing stuff out during Halloween because everyone looked at me weird and questioned me if the apple was poison (stop watching Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs dude... I'm not some evil witch I don't even have a costume) and to which my reply was "well technically Apples DO contain very small trace amounts of cyanide..." they didn't seem reassured by my nerdyness "because you know... cyder, cyanide? Both come from apples..." (as obvious by the root of both words) and the last guy (who had one of those delightful Irish accents... but one of those not so delightly Irish attitudes... the one that's like "let's drink beer, get blind-drunk and fight some English guys!". There's more than one attitude towards things associated with the Irish and his seemed to be the bad one but yeah...) asked us who we were and what we were doing and I go "I'm John Howard and he's Kevin Rudd" "No you're not" "Yeah, why do you think we're annoying the voters on Halloween?" He decided he wasn't getting a proper response from that (I think we annoyed him) he then asked us why we're doing it (because we're weird?) and we said "Well we just thought that we would try to make Halloween healthier" and so he holds the apple and looks at me and goes "There's nothing wrong with this?" "No." "So if I give this to my kids..." "No don't do that" "Why not?" "Well uh... you've just scared me really..." (The apple had been in my hand for a while... it was slightly sweaty! I don't want to give the scary big irish man's kids a sweaty apple!) and he had previously (or afterwards, not sure but he did this not long before we left) said that "if anything is wrong with this apple I will hunt you down and kick you to death" to which I replied "Can't you just punch us instead? It's just so much more fun..." "No. I will kick you to death." The scary thing was he REALLY WASN'T KIDDING! This guy only lived in the street next to mine he wouldn't have to go far to hunt me down and beat me to a bloody pulp... and he looked like he could do it too! Well the other person we tried to give the apple was a bit less interested in the apple and a bit less agressive about the whole thing. We knocked on his door and he opens it (only guys seem to open doors when you're holding apples... unless you're one of THOSE houses that don't open the door regardless of who it is just because it's Halloween!) and we go "do you want an apple?" "...what?" "We're giving out apples" (then comes explaning) "Well you see kids these days are just so fat. We thought if we gave you an apple you could hand it out to children so they'd have something healthy to eat instead of sugar..." (he stares at me) " look like a fat kid sir! Sure you don't want the apple?" My overly amused giggle at my insult to him (he was thin and middle aged) most likely eliminated any temptation in his head to take the apple from these strange deranged kids on his front doorstep so they'd go away. Yeah, first rule of salemenship: DON'T CALL THE PERSON YOU'RE CONNING THAT THEY'RE FAT AND CHILDISH! Tis not good... not it tis not... oh well, he tried to get rid of us instead of listening to us being weird after that...

And so yeah, this year I didn't think of anything and didn't get in contact with my friend in time to organise anything so tonight I sit here on this computer (avoiding doing work I'm going to be assessed on in less than a week... I have to PERFORM an original play by myself so basically need to first write it, then learn my lines, then actually figure out how to move ect by Wednesday... yay!) and I have now blogged an nice long blog to amuse my stalkers, terrorists and whatever people I manage to convince to come read this... I hope you're all happy now :)

Oh yeah plus I've discovered that it doesn't matter how long my blog entries are, they'll always show 7 of them to a page (click "older posts" and another 7 will come up) so I can write as much as I want or as little and if it makes 7 blog entries then to see any previous ones you need to click more buttons... that's why I didn't want to write a smaller blog before now because I like my Stalker Chain Letter post... it's cool ( and creepy... that reminds me, my list of suspects just grew! OK... if Mrs B. turns out to be a friend of The Nameless One (trying to avoid releasing personal information here... like names...) then that's just... interesting... well I'm not entirely sure but I guess I'd be very flattered she thinks my blog is interesting enough to tell other people about :) Just so Mrs B. knows who The Nameless One is (Because only I call The Nameless One The Nameless One) her name starts with E...

So I hope Becca L. Blogmore the terrorist enjoys my blog entry and stops yelling at me over MSN to blog more :P (which she will now she just because I said I hope she won't)

P.S. Cheerleaders never die...

Saturday, October 18, 2008


OK I'd just to inform everyone that neo-classical symphonic cello metal is the best genre of music of all time and I love it... it is also not real. (I just put lots of different genres together because they're similar and all just really awesome) I have recently discovered that Metallica sounds unbeleivably awesome when played on the cello and so I have gone out and bought every Apocalyptica album I could find! As in ONE ALBUM! (Btw if you haven't realised yet... Apocalyptica is a band with lots of cellos in it and is famous for doing covers of Metallica and having other people sing in their songs) Yeah, why is it that all the bands that I love over all others decide to just so happen to not be popular enough to have much mention in shops? AC DC has... OK apparently their still doing things (Darn, bad example. Was going to say they haven't done anything since the mid 80's and they still have a whole row of space in JB-Hi-Fi to themselves) Well I like bands that people don't care about... The little section for apocalytpica is a little card with their name on it hidden behind other cards with bands names on them that also don't appear to be popular... Took me a while to find it before I realised there wasn't anything there next to it! So had to wander around a lot before I found another CD store and finally found (after experiencing the same problem) that they had only one of their albums and only one copy of that. It was their newest one which has "I don't care", "I'm not Jesus" (It's true, Corey Taylor isn't Jesus) and "Worlds Collide" so yeah. Unfortunately no Metallica covers (or Nirvana. Now I dare anyone on earth to listen to the Cello rendition of Smells like Teen Spirit and not at least smile or think it sounds cool :P) but it does have that lovely voice from Lacuna Coil in one song so I is happy now :)

... Oh yeah plus Good Charlotte had a "Buy me now! I'm cheap!" Sticker on it... I like Good Charlotte... but apparently not many other people do because the stores want to get rid of the CD's they have...

OK I'm now uncool for liking bands with "I'm cheap" stickers on them. Yay!

Oh yeah plus this blog entry isn't actually funny and it's just me blogging about what I did today (Because I have nothing to do on the computer I just want to listen to my NEW CD and so need to do something so I have an excuse for hogging the computer... and it's lovely black speakers that play the sweet cello music I do so adore) so hope anyone out there has enjoyed my story of how I went to the shops and then bought something... as you normally do at shopping centres...

CENTRES! OK! NOW I have something to blog about! I am currently reading a book on psychology I got from (guess where?) THE LIBRARY! :O And there's this thing that I do when reading books that I have developed this year where I read things and check for any spelling errors. The Choson by Chaim Potok is one prime example of how not to write a book... As in writing it without going over and checking for errors like on pg 155 "Siad" and 254 "looke" and a few more but I don't remember them. Anyway, (btw if anyone can tell me the grammatical error in Twilight and what chapter it is in you shall get a free cookie point! :P I know where it is now you go find it. Btw, Oestrogen is spelt with an O on the beginning so grr you Americans! Even though the author is... English) I was reading this book only a minute after getting it out and I have a little thing where I get annoyed at American spellings but can handle reading an entire book with people spelling "Colour" without a U so when I read the middle of the first page and it said "Center" at the end of a sentence that was OK... But then the very next sentence only THREE words away from "center" was "centre" (which for those out there is actually the real spelling. Just want to inform you that everyone else is wrong and "Litre" and "Metre" are spelt like that because their French...) and I was just like "... WHAT!?" And I rushed over to my mother to inform her that the book was basically WRONG! (WRONG!) I am OK with people spelling words one way or another... but you must PICK ONE! (ONE!) It just looks stupid if you say "The gray colour of the armor was not the color of normal armour but an amasingly amazing shade of grey" (It's also weird that you're repeating the same words over and over again... and over again...) so yeah. First page and I've found something that's not quite a spelling error but very weird and in the same sort of ballpark as one. (I write these things down on the bookmarks I use for the book)

Please don't correct the spelling in this blog though... I know I might spell a few words wrong but when I look back I realise and then correct them... very annoying seeing "jsut" (I type fast and make mistakes... Jsut is just one of those common ones)

Have a nice day to all the people who I know for sure read this. (A lot of them start with the Letter B :) yes, You know who you are! :D And have a very good day to that someone who starts with L)

Friday, October 17, 2008


Zombies... they eat people flesh... no matter what kind of zombie they are (human, dog... cow...) they all seem to like human flesh. Gee wow being human just generally sucks doesn't it? Come on! Be like Aliens and go for dogs every now and then... or cats. Zombies (for those who don't know) are undead corpses of dead people who consist of necrotic tissue due to their recent death...... they are also no longer living. They eat human people flesh meat and somehow seem to digest this... In fact they are dead and therefore have no heartbeat and cannot distribute any blood to places... yet Zombies are often seen bleeding... This is because zombies are magical beings like pixies (pixies also bleed profusely)

They also do not digest food so obviously do not get fat... as a sure way to lose weight one must become a zombie. This will unfortunately lead to the death of everyone you previously cared about because you will eat them... But you won't get fat... This poses the question: What happens to the human flesh meat that is devoured by zombies? Well I cannot answer that question never having studied a zombie myself... I do not reccomend you study zombies closely because this will most likely end up with you getting eaten... (Because they like to bite... like your mum...)

Zombies are like old people... I don't think I need to explain why. Old folks homes are never destroyed during zombie attacks because zombies do not attack their own (but pixies do... cannabalistic pixies! Pixie murder squad... finding dinner for their young... by hunting other pixies young... :P) So zombies don't eat old people... This also means that your grandmother is now the most dangerous person to be around in case of zombie attack because they will flock around her and help her find children to devour (She may just be one already and you didn't know it... why did you think she hugs you so tightly and doesn't want to let you go? She also pinches your cheeks... TO GET TO YOUR BRAINS!) so all of a sudden a bunch of teenage youths stop being the violent, out of control and dangerous youth, that they are at their young age, into the saviours of mankind for they are no longer dangers to things living but dangerous to the undead... (unfortunately popping a cap in a zombie butt is not effective for killing them... we all know it's just really fun to see them jump with their blank eyes as the bullet penetrates the squishy tissue :P BAM! Bullet to the butt!) Our violent tendencies and completely reckless attitudes combined with stuff we've seen in movies (and therefore MUST IMITATE! :D) allow us to go out and kill lots and lots of zombies with our friends with whatever we can find (Nearly everything can be used as a blunt weapon as any teenager will tell you) and our lack of morals and lack of social skills due to our over computer use and our desensitised reactions to gore and death from watching movies make killing your best friend because they've been bitten all that much easier...

... mwahahahahaha... (Don't go zombie hunting with me... I hog the sniper rifle)

Zombies are also funny when they dance...Zombies are also good at Elvis impersonations for no real reason...

... hehehe dancing zombies...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Nostalgia prt 2 ('Cause 1 isn't enough!)

Terminator Parody extract:

Meanwhile, a blonde girl materialised in the middle of the street. This caused Sarah to swerve into her in an attempt to kill as many people as possible. This only caused injury to the car.
Blonde: Whoa! What have I been smoking?
The woman walked away with a dazed look on her face.
Sarah: What a strange woman… I wonder if she’ll join my book club…
Reece: This isn’t the time or place! Our car has just been semi-destroyed and we’ve got a Terminator on our tail!
Janitor: Don’t worry I can fix it!
Sarah: Janitor! You can fix cars!
Janitor: Yes! I’m a janitor/nightclub owner/mechanic/stalker!
Sarah: What’s a nightclub and can you fix the car?
Janitor: Yes.
Sarah: Nightclub… yes… hmm…

OK now imagine that sort of thing....

... only FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO PAGES OF IT! Yeah sounds like a pointless waste of time to have accumulated that much randomness right?... Yeah I wrote that... I wrote 422 pages of scripts and stories (and even a few song parodies) in the past year and a half. How on earth did I have the time? Well no one can really answer that question... Not even me really... and I wrote them all. I have collected a manifesto of old projects of mine, some completed, some finished a few paragraphs into them, all of them bizarre attempts to be funny... none of them written with any proper script formatting. Now really when you think about it that's kind of impressive writing 422 pages worth of comedy... until you realise it's all just weird stuff that occasionally gets so unusual people will just stare blankly before throwing beer bottles at my head... not empty ones that wouldn't as much but FULL beer bottles with lots of weight in the through... which reminds me...

Tricia: stop it! You know his feelings are delicate!
Zaphod: I wish his skull were delicate so the beer bottles I constantly throw at him will break his face!
Marvin: why don’t you drink the beer before you throw at me instead of after! I’m the one that has to clean your spit off the floor!
Zaphod: why don’t you shut up!
Marvin: because I’m not program-
Zaphod: shut up!
Zaphod threw a beer bottle at Marvin.

Bonus cookie points for those who can realise the blatently obvious (As in what that is a parody of... as in what masterfully written, brilliant and wonderful english comedy have I taken and torn to shreds into a pool of gibberish and repeditive crude jokes about how much people smell, hate each other and how everyone's a complete idiot... especially the person who wrote it) But where does all this idiotic nonsense come from? Well to be honest... it's how my mind works really. Because I don't think when I write these sorts of things... I go in with a basic plan (And sometimes no plan at all) and it just develops. Now this is fine and all but I get dragged down with long strings of nonsensical dialogue (In the longest thing I've written which was designed to be a feature film for my youtube channel the characters constantly bring this point up saying "Shut up! You seem to keep interupting me with long dialogue so the plot won't progress!" so really it's like they've broken the 4th wall... but other parts of it also try to re-establish the wall which sounds quite interesting... but it's not...) and I really sometimes take too long to develop plot... when really the long lines of nonsensical drivel is what inspires the plot. Somehow I start with a joke about someone having no friends into an epic story of conspiracies and evil clones and satanic deals with the devil and Australian parliament... It's just how my mind writes things... it just keeps talking and talking and I never make a second draft and then I go "This is now my funny thing!... Laugh..." and so there's dozens of scripts I've never made into anything because quite frankly... A lot aren't that good. Here is an example of how my mind develops plot from randomness:

Midget: Hello.
It giggled.
Mulder: Hi! I’m Mulder! Here’s a card with my address, pin number and workplace number on!
Mulder handed the midget a card and it grabbed it. It giggled.
Midget: Hehe… boom!
Mulder: So what’s your name?
Midget: Fire! Burn orphans burn! Ah ha ha ha!
Mulder: Nice to meet you too!
Captain: (over speaker) This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts while we prepare for take off. Thankyou that is all.
Mulder fastened his seatbelt.
Mulder: Aren’t you going to fasten your seat belt?
Midget: Mwahaha! Aeroplane!
Mulder: Ah! Of course how stupid of me!
The midget giggled and the plane started to take off.
Well you see the midget was previously stated to be a pyromaniac which then causes him to blow up the planes engines which then makes the plane to crash into a secret government base in the ocean (I think atlantic...) where Mulder meets the man who is paying off some guy who has kidnapped scully and then subsequently saves the day... somehow... I forgot how he gets back to America but he blows stuff up as he does this. Hoorah! Oh yeah plus I totally parody Saw in that too... Oh yeah, plus all my characters seem to become drooling idiots... it's the only reason why anything ever happens... because no one is stupid enough to just stop and go "This... is stupid... I'm going home" I also think it might be because characters can only display intelligence lower or equal to the writer... hmm... nah :P Anyhoo, I write nonstop nothingness (as demonstrated in this blog) so who knows... in another year I'll have another 400 pages of weirdness to show you?
Here is an extract from wikipedia:
Steven Cummer, from Duke University's Pratt School of Engineering, said, "These are higher energy gamma rays than come from the sun. And yet here they are coming from the kind of terrestrial thunderstorm that we see here all the time."
Think about it...
Hehehe... Pratt school :P
CB the Movie Extract:
Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…


Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The End of Days (Holidays)

You know what I would've loved to have done? (Insert dirty joke about your mum... hehe insert *immature giggle*) I would have loved to actually finish one of the things I set out to do these holidays... mainly at least one my immensely numerous assignments or even study for exams that are in a month. Yes, you see I am a simple man... very simple. In fact I'm so simple I need special treatment... but I am a stubborn person who doesn't believe that I am capable of failure (I AM INVINCEABLE!) so right now I'm kinda annoyed I have so much work to do that I haven't already done and succeeded at easily... I also am annoyed that this means I actually have to do work which also annoys me because not only am I stubborn but really just plain lazy...

... in fact I have a monkey to type my blog for me as I just dictate it. No mum I'll feed the rabbit later... blogging... no blogging... No don't write that you stupid monkey! Just... no... ugh.. anyhoo, stupid monkey (My master is an idiot) who doesn't understand (He is also fat) and so I need to (Lose weight) then (lose more weight) and that's why I would write this myself if I weren't so darn lazy... anyhoo, I have done homework I just never completed any of it which is quite annoying (I blame terrorists... I was expecting them all day and not focusing then afterwards I was tired... and I got lost on the way home...) so yeah...

Oh yeah plus exams are coming up (If I haven't mentioned this before?) Which means I won't be making many videos anytime soon (Now I'm sure I've mentioned that to anyone who would care...)

So holidays are going to be over in a few hours when I decide to sleep... I can feel the end coming... oh noes! I'll also have to go back to school... actually talk to people (yay!) wait that's good! OK school good now :D To the library! (I just came from there actually. Come on kids, reading is fun! Guns are bad... they're fun but they're bad... reading is fun and good! :D You want to be well behaved right kids? :D.... kids?............ hello?) Well I somehow feel like I need to make this blog longer... when really it shouldn't be (I never have anything to say... why do you care?) Oh well. Holidays are over, I've got lots things due and I havent completed any of it... life has never been better :D

Have a nice day :)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Into the Terrorist Lair

OK children, gather round while I tell you a story! A story most... not very interesting... so I'll spice it up a little with great exaggerations, twisted retellings and even some downright massive lies thrown in for dramatic effect! (Just like politicians and used car salesmen) OK, today I was hard at work with my 3 ton load of paperwork and assignments for school when all of a sudden I recieved a phone call from the head of the terrorist group holding me hostage (and forcing me to blog as mention in previous post just below this one... scroll down if you want to read it I'm not giving you a link...) telling me that they're bored and want me to walk their dog (Yes, Terrorists want to hang out with me... Osama just last weekend asked me to play basketball... I refused on the grounds that I didn't live in the middle east and that I knew that his basketballs were really just big orange bombs in disguise... as brightly coloured balls that are easily seen from a distance) so basically I had to go because I promised and if I don't they'll just hit me and then get the small girls to cry again... Which they did! grr! I can't Blog while I'm walking your dog you know so there's no point in yelling me as I walk down the street trying not to walk off the path! Yes, terrorists (as in one... not as plural although I do like putting an S on the end of words... just to confuse people :P) have made their demands and those demands are to BLOG! (I think I may have mentioned this before) and to Blog while outside and with no computer... Unfortunately my physic abilities have no developed to this point where I can do what they demand of me...

... On the bright side I was warned the dog would bark like mad but instead just seemed to sniff my pockets and then ignore me... Damn dog won't acknowledge my existence! Acknowledge! Anyhoo, I then was led to the terrorist's lair... (where she lives... as in house... strange how it's not a cave but I guess swimming pools don't suit caves very well...) where I was then forced to look at the terrorists collection of books... (Evil satanic books on dark magic and evil magical places of learning called Hogwarts) I was then taken outside where I was attacked by the dog (I was near licked on the cheek by the viscious silent hound! Agh! It stood on my lap!) then attacked by feet... the feet then captured my feet and demanded a ransom of a thousand dollars... until I moved my feet away and gave Becca L. Blogmore an odd look... Then I met the evil overlords of the house... who smiled and said hello :P Then walked off... Oh yeah plus they own a car... one with wheels... Then a sneak attack was unleashed as I was backed into a sharp kitchen bench (A kitchen bench most definitely used to cut up the meat flesh of a thousand blogless orphans... that's what you get for not being computer literate! BBQ sauce!) then led to the couch where I was nearly smothered to death by a cushion (THAT WASN'T PURPLE! It's the purple room "because everything in the room is purple"... just like that orange curtain or those 3 white walls or that brown table or this browny green couch next to the reddish couch...) Obviously the terrorists want me to blog or die... I for one choose: Running away...

Why am I saying this? Well because quite simply I'm informing everyone about my current situation with the terrorist organisation forcing me to blog (if anyone hasn't got that this is a joke by now is really flipping stupid!) and quite simply... I have nothing to blog about! So I'm hoping this will temporarily appease the purely evil terrorist (and despicable mastermind) so they will let me get back to my homework! Come on! Please stop yelling at me to blog! I'm doing the best I can! (Breaks down and cries)

(citate! Citate! Citate! Oh citate! Cita- oh citate! CITATE! YEAH CITATE! ...Told you it would sound dirty...)

Oh yeah... plus I ate a plant... yeah we were wondering if it was edible and I ate it to find out... turns out I didn't die (or did I?) and due to that little trip the terrorist lair I am kinda behind schedule slightly with my massive amount of pre-exam homework... oh well... at least I got some exercise walking the dog (which then tried attacking me with its tongue as payment)


Friday, October 10, 2008

Terrorists are Holding me Captive (And want me to blog about it)

Attention readers! (All... two of them...) I am being forced against my will to blog to you this evening (or morning depending on timezone.... all... two of them...) because if I don't I will make small girls cry! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, beheading and physical torture is no longer the aim of such terrorist cells as Al-quaida, Babbar Khalsa, The world tamil movement and Woolworths (I have just recently discovered that Canada has terrorist organisations! Huh!? But... it's Canada... do they... throw maple syrup at people in rebellion of free health care?) but they now employ the use of small children to basically sit at their computers yelling and crying at me to basically BLOG! and BLOG FASTER!

... I fear this is the end people... The world has come to such an utter mess that it is forcing it's fine citizens (well... just me really... no one else cares...) to BLOG! BLOG LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS! (Until we die! Oh no! Death by blogging accident!? I thought it was only the stuff of myth and legend amongst cyberspace but no... I shall be the 3rd man to die of a blogging accident!) So this is what I have done... may this relatively short blog entry save my life from more bloody annoying crying emoticons typed over and over again! (I use webmessenger! They take a long time to load ok?) Hopefully this has appeased the great terrorist leader Becca L. Blogmore... because if not she knows where I live... and can walk there within 10 minutes!

... someone hide me!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Stalker Chain Letter

Well we all know chain letters are spawned by Satan (Along with terrorists, AIDS and 2001: A Space Oddessey) but do you know why they exist? (Besides the obvious reason that people are bored idiots with too much time on their hands and decide to pass some generic drivel on instead of writing a proper intelligent email! Come on people? Talking so hard for you!? If you're hiding on the internet all day that you're bored enough to create or send a chain letter then yeah... talking to people probably isn't one of your strong points...) Well they exist not just because the world is socially inept and hooked to a global network of porn, attention seeking bloggers (aww damn... I'm complaining about myself now!) and wikipedia entries (A bit too many say "Citation needed"... come on sad losers of the world! Citate! Citate! Cit- OK that's going to start sounding dirty if I keep yelling it...) but they exist because all your friends are stalking you! Seriously, Chain letters try to find out every detail about your life then force you to send it off to everyone humanly possible to be spread across the web and if you don't you die in strange and frankly disturbing ways involving little kids at the end of your bed (Maybe an ironic death for paedophiles?) so my idea is basically... that the internets is stalking you and you're letting them stalk you. Stop posting chain letters!

... OR....

... Send one around that doesn't hide the PURE EVIL and FIENDISHLY DESCIPABLE motive of the dreaded chain letter! Forward one that isn't the slightest bit subtle when it comes to finding out every little piece of information about you as it possibly can before you're hunted down by every sick weirdo on the internets... A.K.A. You're best friend... (who is also the spawn of satan... and his lover HAL 9000... yeah I just don't like 2001 OK?) why not send THIS to you're friends and family... or complete strangers (which is the ultimate plan for the chain letter organisation)

Creepy Stalker Chain Letter

Fill in your answers then send this onto everyone you know! And even people you don't know (especially people you don't know....)

1. What is your full (including middle) name?

2. Are you planning on lying during this string of perfectly innocent questions?

3. Why?

4. Do you think the exits to your house are suitable enough in case anything might go wrong?

5. Do you wear fire resistant pyjamas?

6. Who do you like?

7. Do you think he/she looks pale? Do you think they might accidentaly die of natural causes?

8. If the answer to the last question was "no" then why do you think your judgement is infallible?

9. Are you superman or any other superhero?

10. Do you have anyway of defending yourself from an attacker like mace or panic whistle?

11. Do you know any self defence techniques?

12. Do you love the person who sent this to you?

13. Why don't you love them?

14. Could you learn to love them?

15. What if your life depended on it?

16. Where do you live?

17. Do you keep a spare key in case you're locked out in the area around the door?

18. If so, where?

19. Why won't you give me a spare key?

20. Where in the house is your bedroom located?

21. How many people live with you?

22. Do you have a guard dog or any other form of security system?

23. Do you think bunnies or guinea pigs are cuter?

24. Calm blue skies or my dark dank basement where no one can hear you scream?

25. When is the latest time anyone in your house would go to sleep?

26. Are any of them light sleepers and easily woken by creeping footsteps?

27. Do you have any heart condition that will affect you if a taser is used to incapacitate you?

28. What are you wearing?

29. Why don't you wear something else?

30. Don't you like the clothes I bought for you?

31. Why don't you ever open your bedroom curtains?

32. OPEN YOUR BEDROOM CURTAINS! I wasn't asking....

33. What colour do you think is better? Blood red or the cold dark Black of nothingness?

34. Do you like flowers in the mail?

35. Do you like chocolate in the mail?

36. Do you like dead puppies in the mail?

37. Would you like me in the mail?

38. What's your MSN password?

39. What's your bank password?

40. Do you have a panic room?

41. How do I get into your panic room?

42. Do people behind bushes creep you out?

43. What's infront of you right now?

44. What's the most precious thing to you in your bedroom?

45. Would you do anything to get your mother/father back safely alive?

46. Do you like cats or dogs more?

47. What's your favourite flavour of icecream?

48. Do you think your room would look good coloured red?

49. I do...

50. Are your windows reinforced or easy to break?

51. Are you a good runner?

52. What's your social security number?

53. Don't you think "security" is ironically amusing?

54. I do...

55. How many people will you send this to?

56. Do any of them deserve your attention more than I do?

57. Why?

58. Do you expect to hear back from any of the people you sent this to... ever again...?

59. Where do you go on sunday nights?

60. Where do you go on saturday nights?

61. What subjects do you take at school and when are then on during the day?

62. What school do you go to?

63. Who do you sit next to?

64. Do you think they could outrun my car?

65. Do you think they could survive a car "accident"?

66. What do you dream about?

67. What was your first word?

68. Did you cry during the movie bambi?

69. Did you laugh at the number 69?

70. Who did you last talk to?

71. Do they know where you are right now?

72. Will you be missed?

73. What's your favourite film?

74. I'm always watching you

75. Do you like baby pandas?

OK if you don't send this on to anyone in the next 24 hours they will assume you missing and you shall not be harmed.

... also, if you send this to anyone they will most likely call the police on you! Anyone who ever reads this will think you're the biggest psychotic stalker of all time... and I somehow made this up while listening to Stone Sour so what does that say about me? (Reborn is such an awesome song) Anyhoo, hope you have learnt that chain letters really are completely pure evil and you shouldn't endorse them by sending them on to other poor victims... no one likes chain letters (or at least I don't and in true internetz person fashion I shall try to enforce my views onto everyone!)

Have fun...

... I am always watching you...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Let us Glomp the Heathens!

Glomping. Google it. Nasty. Anyhoo, my mother is a christian and so am I but I just don't really go to church too often (Maybe if I was awake early enough to get ready? Also maybe if teachers didn't give me so much homework? Yeah, that's right, homework and academic achievement is causing our children to burn in hell :) Yay for good report cards! :P High maths scores aren't just completely pointless but satanic too!) so she's decided to find a church that's convinient to go to and she thought she had found one (It had teenagers in the pictures on the website! Teenagers!) so we basically drive along towards it and she forces me to read the road map (Bah! Maps... also spawn of satan) and in the end we get there 10 minutes early. Now this is apparently a bad thing according to my devout christian mother because we're new to this church. Unless you haven't noticed: being early to a new church is very very bad because people apparently will try to talk to you! (gasp! :O! But... part of the reason was so I would talk to people... teenagers! Instead of the two score of octegenarians in our other church) So my mother really didn't want to go inside for 10 minutes because they'll just flock to us noobs (Noob alert! Preparing to save...) and try to welcome us and get involved and socialise and worst of all... try to save us! If we went in 10 minutes early we'd be glomped by baptists trying to convert us to something we already were part of so my mother solution to learning new faces: Continue driving down the road. Now this would be a good idea if the road didn't connect to a highway... a long highway where you can't turn around... so we went down it, we passed some really old houses from collonial times, we kept going, we passed another church and eventually managed to turn around and find our way back to the church with no time to spare. Perfect! Punctuality saves us from hell.... and people... Well while driving around we had our fun avoiding Christians and joking around about what we would say if they tried to talk to us to see if we were christians. The favourites included: "Hey want to go get mass married with 100 strangers with me next weekend?" and "Praise Allah!" just to see the reactions we would get :D Anyhoo, we go inside and only one person tries talking to us on the way in before we sit down and church starts. About 2 hours (or most likely longer according to what it felt like) we leave and some random old person asks my mother if she'd mind her taking my curls. Yeah, old people are jealous of my hair, sorry but it's true! Older women totally dig my lucious thick red curls and untameable hair :D Just.... I don't share a mutual affection for their gray strands that are loosely scattered on their heads... But yeah, people seriously adore my hair... mainly older women like those at church, used car saleswomen (crazy used car saleswomen...) and school gardners but the occasional younger woman falls for my physical charm ;) (Because my hair is so totally smexier than thou) Anyhoo, after a very brief conversation basically telling her that NO! NO she may NOT have my hair! (As clearly stated and conveyed when I replied "no" to her question "Doesn't it frustrate you when it gets knotted?") we left and instead of finding a more convinient church to go to, my mother basically decides that, even though the idea was to get my and my siblings opinion on the church, she doesn't like the church because the guy giving the sermon talked nonstop without making a point. OK so apparently my occasional thoughts drifting off to something else for a moment (like "what happened to the baby that was right infront of me 10 minutes ago? The mother walked away with it then came back without it and now it's gone...") before snapping back to what he was saying weren't the thing stopping me from understand what life guards at the beach had to do with Moses fleeing egypt and seeing a burning bush. Moses was in a tidal rip which caused him to go out of egypt and then the burning bush was a man dressed in yellow and red and then we realise why we need God in everyday life... if that makes sense then congratulations! I'll see you in heaven... in the meantime my theologean mother says that he kept talking without getting anywhere and we're never going back there again.

And that is the story... of how we nearly got glomped by christians...

... oh yeah then we went home and ate pancakes. It was fun.... yep... I just thought I'd say that because it's about as useful to you knowing that as it is to know that going to church may cause high risk levels of people trying to talk to you.

Oh yeah... plus the internet lied... it was still full of old people with very very few people my age... so that's where old people congegrate when the suns out! :O Churches! (Because zombies can't get in to feast on the old people flesh)



... Now to find my way into yours... What do you say about me to your parents!? Yeah I'm just blogging about you just to prove I'd put you in my blog! So I know you're happy about this but I thought I'd just add some more to it... (A.K.A. Typing about nothing)

OK yeah I am probably going to continue to edit this (You see the caps locked text at the top? That's the original post everything else is added on later) and say a few more things. Maybe I should explain this post to the outside readers? OK then I shall! OK basically... I have no idea really it was... a whole three hours ago when I originally posted this!? (That's... so long ago... I feel old now! So old...) But I remember something to do with a phone call. You see I have recently overcome my phobia of making phone calls (Thanks to my dear girlfriend... who basically asked kindly to call her so I did... and it was fun! :P) so I decided to call an old (but really quite young... barely legal young? Nah I'm not that old... although I am quite old... after all I mean three whole hours!? THREE HOURS!?) friend who never finds the time to call me even when I remind her too. I had previously mentioned that I had a blog in an email and she was reading it when I called and (insert conversation that I don't remember verbatim here) then there was yelling and high pitched noises that could crack windows (mainly coming from me... I breathe in Helium on a regular basis) and something about "I'm not in your blog!" and "you won't put me in your blog!" and "eewa! garr waaa! waaa! Blog!"...

...and so she is now in my blog :)

Anyone else want to be in my blog!? anyone?... hello?... They've all left me now! :(

Oh and uh... yeah also her mother was reading my blog too so if her mother sees this... she might think I'm creepy... very creepy... I just told the entire internet about her daughter and she's heard of me but has never met me or gotten to know me. Now if you were her wouldn't you think that I'm some kind of bizarre weirdo? (Even if you weren't her you'd probably think the same thing you just wouldn't fear for your daughters safety) Well OK! Now a bunch of complete strangers that I've never met, Becca has never met, Her mother has never met, and none of the aforementioned people even have heard of are now imagining what it's like to be someone's mummy... so NOW if I was someone's mother I'd be more creeped out by the people her daughter doesn't know than the good, kind, considerate, strange, wonderful friend that she's heard so much about :D OK so basically everyone reading this blog is actually the sick bizarre pervert not me! (Even though... I'm just friends with a girl that's barely younger than me...)

...P.S. Talking about my personal life on the internet for everyone to see is FUN!!!! :D (Regretting being in my blog now?)